Being Tired is Tiring Work
There are things I'm trying to do
and
things I'm trying to
not do.
Ya'll can relate, I'm sure.
I feel like a certain kind of tired and empty
that comes from simultaneously
evacuating your meat tube from both wet ends
until you've been totally squeezed of any/all crud-juice.
All that was built up in the hidden spaces
of your softest places
has been wrenched free and washed out
on a wave of acidic cramps
that trample your guts
into putty.
How when the urge to purge finally stops
and the heavenly-fever that made the whole process
feel like some cosmic-sized personal joke, broke -
and how wave of calm sleepiness can fall over us.
Or... maybe that's just me?
Either way,
I am feeling
emptied
past and present active tense.
I just want to lay down
and down
and down.
So that is what I am doing
as best as I know how.
Simple as that.
I won't be able to do it for long,
(American worker's benefits and all...)
but I can do it
for a little while
and so I'm trying to enjoy what parts of it I can.
I feel like if I could sit with this feeling
a good long time
I could be a monk
or fakir
or a pearl diver
who can slow their heart and stop breathing
to travel to worlds beyond known worlds
beyond everyone else's experience...
for just a little while
and just because they can.
I feel like I could lay down and touch ground
and become earth,
and come back
reborn
after a wearied rest there
in among the warm soil of decay.
But instead,
I slouch on the couch and become
the fluff of its stuffing
and there is no *real* rest there
at home
where as an owner -
every mess is mine to bless
or polish or dust
or fold or sweep
or wash or wipe
or scrub or sharpen
or move or remove
or retain and maintain
paint or stain
sort and resort to creative uses....
etc etc.
And that is before I learned
we got a mouse in the house.
At least 5 have been dispatched!
A sudden fury of furry feet pawing their ways in
to my humbled hovel.
A baby mouse and mother were discovered yesterday
in the best mouse trap
engineers can buy.
Which means I am crevice-cleaning this mess-fest,
slowly and methodically
to find where they are living,
and where they came in.
It's a lot of work,
a lot of stress
for a person who wants to disappear below the forest
for awhile.
Maybe I'd prefer to just dive away?
Is there any safe harbor for me to have
a patient date with quiet despair
for little while?
A place to sink down in stately fashion
and settle to the bottom
in sight of land....
but away from the wars?
A soulful submarine in the world of whales
instead of...
... mice?
Like I said,
I'm tired.
My teeth are tired.
My heart is tired.
My budget is tired.
My mind is tired of me being so tired
in so many ways.
When/if you feel like this....
how does it feel
for you?
How does it *go* for you?
The wanting to melt
AND melt away somehow?
To float away?
Fly away?
Run away?
Scream away?
Power through?
Push/pull?
Blow up?
Burn down?
Berate and denigrate?
Become wet like a puddle,
or dry like smoke,
or both?
Or neither?
Shatter or smash?
Shutter or crash?
How do you.... pause/stop/reboot/respond,
to the need to pause/stop/reboot/respond?
and
things I'm trying to
not do.
Ya'll can relate, I'm sure.
I feel like a certain kind of tired and empty
that comes from simultaneously
evacuating your meat tube from both wet ends
until you've been totally squeezed of any/all crud-juice.
All that was built up in the hidden spaces
of your softest places
has been wrenched free and washed out
on a wave of acidic cramps
that trample your guts
into putty.
How when the urge to purge finally stops
and the heavenly-fever that made the whole process
feel like some cosmic-sized personal joke, broke -
and how wave of calm sleepiness can fall over us.
Or... maybe that's just me?
Either way,
I am feeling
emptied
past and present active tense.
I just want to lay down
and down
and down.
So that is what I am doing
as best as I know how.
Simple as that.
I won't be able to do it for long,
(American worker's benefits and all...)
but I can do it
for a little while
and so I'm trying to enjoy what parts of it I can.
I feel like if I could sit with this feeling
a good long time
I could be a monk
or fakir
or a pearl diver
who can slow their heart and stop breathing
to travel to worlds beyond known worlds
beyond everyone else's experience...
for just a little while
and just because they can.
I feel like I could lay down and touch ground
and become earth,
and come back
reborn
after a wearied rest there
in among the warm soil of decay.
But instead,
I slouch on the couch and become
the fluff of its stuffing
and there is no *real* rest there
at home
where as an owner -
every mess is mine to bless
or polish or dust
or fold or sweep
or wash or wipe
or scrub or sharpen
or move or remove
or retain and maintain
paint or stain
sort and resort to creative uses....
etc etc.
And that is before I learned
we got a mouse in the house.
At least 5 have been dispatched!
A sudden fury of furry feet pawing their ways in
to my humbled hovel.
A baby mouse and mother were discovered yesterday
in the best mouse trap
engineers can buy.
Which means I am crevice-cleaning this mess-fest,
slowly and methodically
to find where they are living,
and where they came in.
It's a lot of work,
a lot of stress
for a person who wants to disappear below the forest
for awhile.
Maybe I'd prefer to just dive away?
Is there any safe harbor for me to have
a patient date with quiet despair
for little while?
A place to sink down in stately fashion
and settle to the bottom
in sight of land....
but away from the wars?
A soulful submarine in the world of whales
instead of...
... mice?
Like I said,
I'm tired.
My teeth are tired.
My heart is tired.
My budget is tired.
My mind is tired of me being so tired
in so many ways.
When/if you feel like this....
how does it feel
for you?
How does it *go* for you?
The wanting to melt
AND melt away somehow?
To float away?
Fly away?
Run away?
Scream away?
Power through?
Push/pull?
Blow up?
Burn down?
Berate and denigrate?
Become wet like a puddle,
or dry like smoke,
or both?
Or neither?
Shatter or smash?
Shutter or crash?
How do you.... pause/stop/reboot/respond,
to the need to pause/stop/reboot/respond?