The Future is Now!
I just walked a circle through my house going,
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
I think I was trying to outrun outwalk the future.
I love my job,
which is a rare thing in my life.
The other jobs I loved were:
Being an after-hours emergency operator for 2,500 companies simultaneously
and
Managing a 2-screen arthouse movie theater
The thing about this job,
is I am a scheduler...
and as I come up to three years in this position
there are now no blank spots in my calendar.
It is all filled up.
Planned head.
Scheduled out.
Fixed.
I find myself worrying acutely about an event that is 6 months out,
and then I worry about the event in 6 weeks.
And then I worry about the event that's 9 months out.
And then I worry about a thing I'll be doing in a year,
that I'm already planning.
Feeling like there is no "now"
there is only
The Calendar Of Schedules
and no matter how far ahead I am,
I am still behind
because the thing about the future is
that every second between then and now,
is a moment that can still be used to PLAN.
And if I don't use it for planning,
surely... I will have forgotten something.
Something mundane, but helpful.
Or huge and definitive,
or minuscule and negligible,
and yet VERY stressful none the less.
Or maybe I forgot nothing at all,
but it will FEEL like I forgot things
every moment
until the future becomes the reality of now.
It's anxious here,
living in the future.
Yesterday one of my pictures
(one I took as a staff photographer)
was the front page of the local newspaper.
Photo Credit: The Wench
*bow*
*blows kisses*
It's from a finale event that aired on Monday
but was recorded live back in March.
There is no time,
there is only
my To Do list.
I have a stack of calls to make,
texts to return,
people to talk to,
people to organize,
facts to confirm,
expectations to set
... At work I keep mostly ahead of it!
But in my personal life?
I realized in past jobs,
that if I do it for work
I struggle to do it for myself anymore.
My day is already too full of
IT
(whatever it is)
that I am otherwise done with it.
And right now?
My job is planning the future.
And I think this is the root of my rootless feeling recently.
I'm just tired
of thinking ahead
at the moment.
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
I think I was trying to outrun outwalk the future.
I love my job,
which is a rare thing in my life.
The other jobs I loved were:
Being an after-hours emergency operator for 2,500 companies simultaneously
and
Managing a 2-screen arthouse movie theater
The thing about this job,
is I am a scheduler...
and as I come up to three years in this position
there are now no blank spots in my calendar.
It is all filled up.
Planned head.
Scheduled out.
Fixed.
I find myself worrying acutely about an event that is 6 months out,
and then I worry about the event in 6 weeks.
And then I worry about the event that's 9 months out.
And then I worry about a thing I'll be doing in a year,
that I'm already planning.
Feeling like there is no "now"
there is only
The Calendar Of Schedules
and no matter how far ahead I am,
I am still behind
because the thing about the future is
that every second between then and now,
is a moment that can still be used to PLAN.
And if I don't use it for planning,
surely... I will have forgotten something.
Something mundane, but helpful.
Or huge and definitive,
or minuscule and negligible,
and yet VERY stressful none the less.
Or maybe I forgot nothing at all,
but it will FEEL like I forgot things
every moment
until the future becomes the reality of now.
It's anxious here,
living in the future.
Yesterday one of my pictures
(one I took as a staff photographer)
was the front page of the local newspaper.
Photo Credit: The Wench
*bow*
*blows kisses*
It's from a finale event that aired on Monday
but was recorded live back in March.
There is no time,
there is only
my To Do list.
I have a stack of calls to make,
texts to return,
people to talk to,
people to organize,
facts to confirm,
expectations to set
... At work I keep mostly ahead of it!
But in my personal life?
I realized in past jobs,
that if I do it for work
I struggle to do it for myself anymore.
My day is already too full of
IT
(whatever it is)
that I am otherwise done with it.
And right now?
My job is planning the future.
And I think this is the root of my rootless feeling recently.
I'm just tired
of thinking ahead
at the moment.