Pros and Cons

[geminiwench]

Written on Friday:

Today I was a ballet dancer
and a shaman
and a conductor
and a unremarkable wind
and a shout
and a handshake
and a convenient pen
who could walk
and talk
and dance to the beat of today's rhythm
as if it were the most natural thing in the world
AND it was even beautiful.

[Friday?]In real life terms

Comments

[geminiwench]

I have my own problematic established patterns as well as exciting new discoveries about myself... we're all complicated and life is hard so, I try not to jump to hurtful conclusions.

It's wild how much her personality changed as her feelings of insecurity and isolation grew over the years, and then watching her foster those feelings exactly because someone else NEEDED her to be insecure and isolated, to be with her husband.

I don't want to put pressure on her that she needs to change to be loveable or loved by me because... that simply isn't the case. She is loved no matter how close or far away I am from her.

But the trust *I* feel and rely on has been eaten away by such a virulent defensiveness that disallows so many topics, so many questions, so many.... THOUGHTS. The point of defensiveness is that it doesn't allow people *in* to the vulnerable places, right? When I am blockaded out for years... of course I wonder what the basis of our friendship *is* anymore when she clearly doesn't feel safe sharing her heart or mind with me... and hasn't for a long time.

I've waited out that whole long time (until now) to tackle these feelings I've had about this.