Too Much Yet Not Enough

[geminiwench]

I'm not the only one, right?
Who feels like they're too much
but yet
not enough
in the grand scheme of things...

I haven't found that to be rare.

The special bit,
is the second bite...

That in reference to my all too much too muchness
and assorted holes made of
not enoughness
I find myselves counterbalanced by these competing woes...
rather than caught in the crossfire
between myselves as competing foes.

I'm well aware my biggest problem
(as usual)
is me.

But, I actually find that shit... comforting.

I'm also the sort of person who
when I fling my mind as far out as it can go
into a cold, empty, uncaring universe
where I am less meaningful than a speck
of a fleck on a dead flea....
... I smile
with relief.

I don't need to prove
or disprove my too muchness
or my not enoughness.

It is enough
and yet not enough
and yet too much....
that I am already all those things
whether I acknowledge,
admit,
attribute,
or condone it
or not.

The first step to catching a horse that doesn't know or trust you,
is turn your back to it,
and pointedly ignore it.

Emotions work that way, too.
The best way to get their focused attention
is to pretend they're not there.

So what I do,
is I spent the vast majority of my time
during any average day
listening to my feelings.

It's not an easy job,
but someone has to do it.
It feels like it's literally the least I can do for myself -
and it's also free
AND informative.

So, I ask....
why are we raising each other
to hide
or threaten
or judge
or distract our ourselves from
or ignore
or distrust
or dislike...
our own feelings,
and by extension, ourselves?

And then we're forced to wonder,
why we feel so...
hidden,
threatened,
judged,
distracted,
ignored,
distrusted,
disliked,

while actively
hiding,
threatening,
judging,
distracting,
ignoring
distrusting
and disliking
ourselves.

Although this is something we do to ourselves,
we didn't teach this to ourselves.

We are TAUGHT this.

How?
Is?
That?
Possible?