It's a TWISTER! IT'S A TWISTER!!
At the very end of my day at work,
I learned a thing,
and then I felt a thing,
and then my brain
went
I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT!
I HAVE MANY COMPETING FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS!
I was writing wringing them out,
laying them out flat to dry on the page
when Sailor came home.
I greeted him,
planning to going back to the chore of being me -
but instead I talked to him,
and then he talked to me,
and my brain immediately clicked off the bullhorn,
calmly turned off all the lights and sirens
and went,
Easy as that.
Because Sailor is..... magic.
The **biggest problem** that keeps cropping up in my life
that isn't my bad health or financial destitution.
It revolves around the fact that
I generally say
what I think and feel
to other people.
We'll be kind today,
and call it
"being expressive".
I feel it as an actual responsibility,
actually.
I'm not here to call people names,
but I am here to call people out.
"GREAT HOOLA-HOOPING, DAD!!"
I shout out while giving thumbs up to a random dude
who was privately grinning as he realizes
he actually CAN hoola-hoop
while trying to teach his 5 year old son what hoola hoops ARE
at a Children's Museum in Olympia, Washington.
"Way to go, Buddy! You're the FASTEST! WOW!!"
as a toddler coasts his trike down a little hill
giggling like a maniac.
"Wow! I LOVE YOUR DRESS!"
"Amazing! You did that SO GOOD!"
"Hey, careful with that... no running, okay?"
"Aren't those flowers pretty? They look like the ones on your shirt!"
I talk to everyone around me.
While everyone else
is DESPERATELY trying to pretend
no one else exists
in this madhouse of museum.
There are literally people EVERYWHERE.
But everyone is being careful
not to interact
with anyone they don't know.
The children and the parents
both play this game.
The toddlers... don't know this game yet.
They'll talk to anybody
as long as they're feeling comfortable/confident.
I
am
a
confident
toddler.
In Venice there were CROWDS of people
lining up
to take the same romantic photos
in the same most romantic locations
where if you tilt the camera just right,
it looks like they're they only people alive
(and beautifully in love)
in all of Venice.
But it's not just Venice,
it's everywhere.
This isn't new.
BUT our programming has been updated.
Socially Distant Virtual Reality
Installed.
It is not the actual reality.
Most of us living in any sort of city
is DROWNING in people.
But people we can talk with?
Not so much.
Except front-end service people,
famous for their job description of:
Official Person-to-Person Direct Interaction Person for People Who Visit This Place
you surprise the HELL outta people,
by acknowledging their actual presence
and approaching them as an individual.
Many people probably know,
even our closest family and friends may not be
safe/happy/comfortable/enjoyable people
to talk with,
even in the best of times,
let alone the worst.
I remember taking out my nephew for a "Day Out"
when he got suspended from elementary school
and it was quite a thrilling day
because we did have fun and adventures,
(a road trip to a huge canyon!)
but I also made him explain himself truthfully
(ie: why an 11-year old is out on a school day)
to my boss,
a park ranger,
and a police officer.
I am both the fun Aunty,
and the scary Aunty.
YOU'RE WELCOME, WORLD!
Anyways,
when I was dropping him off,
I asked him what was his takeaway from the day.
He got thoughtful and made this face:
And said,....
"You talk to... EVERYONE."
What do you mean? I asked.
"You... talk to people,
and they even talk back!
Even... the people in line at the grocery store.
Even the people at the rest stop.
Even me."
Yes. Yes I do.
I like talking to people.
ESPECIALLY you, but also people in line at the grocery store.
"But, people like it when you talk to them.
You make them smile.
It's weird."
To this day I keep this as a memorably good compliment
because I could hear in his tone and delivery
that he was also saying,
"You made me smile...."
during what I knew
was an otherwise hard week for him.
What does any of this
have to do
with anything?
What does it have to do with that alarm I felt?
I've been having this feeling
that I **HAVE** to talk to a friend
about my many unresolved feelings
or I will explode,
pretty much.
So,
I sorta can't help myself in public with strangers
commenting on their fabulous hat
or the way they danced to avoid the dog poop on the sidewalk....
or they shouldn't talk to their girlfriend that way,
or they've got their tag sticking out.
That's me, natural... but filtered.
I'm just there... being what I am,
they can take me or leave me.
I'm just passing through.
Now.... imagine what I have to say
to the people in my life I actually know and love.
Just.
Fucking.
IMAGINE.
I'm still just there, passively expressing myself in my true form -
but there is more of me.
A bit more vast
definitely deeper,
a little less pure,
and somewhat more complicated.
But I consider myself generally... *contained*.
Although I might get active and
surprise or confuse you,
But, I'm not a hurricane, baby.
That ain't me.
Some like to relax in my ambiance
of my cool energy....
But, not everybody.
I get it.
But it does feel like a dam
when I have to hold back thoughts and feelings.
It builds pressure inside me.
I find it intolerable, actually.
A kinked hose pressurizing the whole house's water system.
So when I learned something yesterday
that made me feel
I HAD to talk to someone close to me
about EXACTLY the thing
I've been holding back....
It was the same sort of pressure alarm
they probably
(definitely)
have inside
(human-made)
dams.
I am the water.
I am the dam.
I am the pressure.
I am the alarm.
And Sailor was able to flick a switch,
and slowly drain that rocky reservoir that has been filling
for over a year
into the irrigation ditch
that feeds entire fields.
And he did it without fear
and with beautiful precision
and in just a few words.
"Have you looked at it... this way?"
And woosh...
I am not just redirected,
I am
relieved
and so is everything/everyone else.
I was all twisted up,
pressurized,
with unexpressed thoughts and feelings.
An elephant in the room.
Ignored
for politeness' sake.
And although I am not necessarily *rude*
I am not necessarily *polite* either.
Politeness is a custom,
not a dictum.
Being KIND
is a dictum,
and I strive for that, instead.
Note:
Being nice is like being polite,
it's a protective social behavior topcoat.
Being kind is like being conscientious
it's fundamentally social behavior.
So when I strive to talk about the elephant in the room,
I'm not attacking anyone,
I'm not defending anyone,
I'm just trying to talk about that elephant in the room,
as if it were an elephant... in the room.
I see it.
I smell it.
I've touched it.
I've loved it.
I've hated it.
I've named it.
I feed it every day
and muck out the corner every night
and have cursed it more than once....
Won't someone talk to me about this elephant we're sharing a room with?
So Sailor talked to me about the elephant.
And the pressure dropped
and siren stopped,
and there was no crisis....
... there was only a conversation
I needed to have.
It turns out,
I didn't need to have it
with her.
I learned a thing,
and then I felt a thing,
and then my brain
went
I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT!
I HAVE MANY COMPETING FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS!
I was writing wringing them out,
laying them out flat to dry on the page
when Sailor came home.
I greeted him,
planning to going back to the chore of being me -
but instead I talked to him,
and then he talked to me,
and my brain immediately clicked off the bullhorn,
calmly turned off all the lights and sirens
and went,
Easy as that.
Because Sailor is..... magic.
The **biggest problem** that keeps cropping up in my life
that isn't my bad health or financial destitution.
It revolves around the fact that
I generally say
what I think and feel
to other people.
We'll be kind today,
and call it
"being expressive".
I feel it as an actual responsibility,
actually.
I'm not here to call people names,
but I am here to call people out.
"GREAT HOOLA-HOOPING, DAD!!"
I shout out while giving thumbs up to a random dude
who was privately grinning as he realizes
he actually CAN hoola-hoop
while trying to teach his 5 year old son what hoola hoops ARE
at a Children's Museum in Olympia, Washington.
"Way to go, Buddy! You're the FASTEST! WOW!!"
as a toddler coasts his trike down a little hill
giggling like a maniac.
"Wow! I LOVE YOUR DRESS!"
"Amazing! You did that SO GOOD!"
"Hey, careful with that... no running, okay?"
"Aren't those flowers pretty? They look like the ones on your shirt!"
I talk to everyone around me.
While everyone else
is DESPERATELY trying to pretend
no one else exists
in this madhouse of museum.
There are literally people EVERYWHERE.
But everyone is being careful
not to interact
with anyone they don't know.
The children and the parents
both play this game.
The toddlers... don't know this game yet.
They'll talk to anybody
as long as they're feeling comfortable/confident.
I
am
a
confident
toddler.
In Venice there were CROWDS of people
lining up
to take the same romantic photos
in the same most romantic locations
where if you tilt the camera just right,
it looks like they're they only people alive
(and beautifully in love)
in all of Venice.
But it's not just Venice,
it's everywhere.
This isn't new.
BUT our programming has been updated.
Socially Distant Virtual Reality
Installed.
It is not the actual reality.
Most of us living in any sort of city
is DROWNING in people.
But people we can talk with?
Not so much.
Except front-end service people,
famous for their job description of:
Official Person-to-Person Direct Interaction Person for People Who Visit This Place
you surprise the HELL outta people,
by acknowledging their actual presence
and approaching them as an individual.
Many people probably know,
even our closest family and friends may not be
safe/happy/comfortable/enjoyable people
to talk with,
even in the best of times,
let alone the worst.
I remember taking out my nephew for a "Day Out"
when he got suspended from elementary school
and it was quite a thrilling day
because we did have fun and adventures,
(a road trip to a huge canyon!)
but I also made him explain himself truthfully
(ie: why an 11-year old is out on a school day)
to my boss,
a park ranger,
and a police officer.
I am both the fun Aunty,
and the scary Aunty.
YOU'RE WELCOME, WORLD!
Anyways,
when I was dropping him off,
I asked him what was his takeaway from the day.
He got thoughtful and made this face:
And said,....
"You talk to... EVERYONE."
What do you mean? I asked.
"You... talk to people,
and they even talk back!
Even... the people in line at the grocery store.
Even the people at the rest stop.
Even me."
Yes. Yes I do.
I like talking to people.
ESPECIALLY you, but also people in line at the grocery store.
"But, people like it when you talk to them.
You make them smile.
It's weird."
To this day I keep this as a memorably good compliment
because I could hear in his tone and delivery
that he was also saying,
"You made me smile...."
during what I knew
was an otherwise hard week for him.
What does any of this
have to do
with anything?
What does it have to do with that alarm I felt?
I've been having this feeling
that I **HAVE** to talk to a friend
about my many unresolved feelings
or I will explode,
pretty much.
So,
I sorta can't help myself in public with strangers
commenting on their fabulous hat
or the way they danced to avoid the dog poop on the sidewalk....
or they shouldn't talk to their girlfriend that way,
or they've got their tag sticking out.
That's me, natural... but filtered.
I'm just there... being what I am,
they can take me or leave me.
I'm just passing through.
Now.... imagine what I have to say
to the people in my life I actually know and love.
Just.
Fucking.
IMAGINE.
I'm still just there, passively expressing myself in my true form -
but there is more of me.
A bit more vast
definitely deeper,
a little less pure,
and somewhat more complicated.
But I consider myself generally... *contained*.
Although I might get active and
surprise or confuse you,
But, I'm not a hurricane, baby.
That ain't me.
Some like to relax in my ambiance
of my cool energy....
But, not everybody.
I get it.
But it does feel like a dam
when I have to hold back thoughts and feelings.
It builds pressure inside me.
I find it intolerable, actually.
A kinked hose pressurizing the whole house's water system.
So when I learned something yesterday
that made me feel
I HAD to talk to someone close to me
about EXACTLY the thing
I've been holding back....
It was the same sort of pressure alarm
they probably
(definitely)
have inside
(human-made)
dams.
I am the water.
I am the dam.
I am the pressure.
I am the alarm.
And Sailor was able to flick a switch,
and slowly drain that rocky reservoir that has been filling
for over a year
into the irrigation ditch
that feeds entire fields.
And he did it without fear
and with beautiful precision
and in just a few words.
"Have you looked at it... this way?"
And woosh...
I am not just redirected,
I am
relieved
and so is everything/everyone else.
I was all twisted up,
pressurized,
with unexpressed thoughts and feelings.
An elephant in the room.
Ignored
for politeness' sake.
And although I am not necessarily *rude*
I am not necessarily *polite* either.
Politeness is a custom,
not a dictum.
Being KIND
is a dictum,
and I strive for that, instead.
Note:
Being nice is like being polite,
it's a protective social behavior topcoat.
Being kind is like being conscientious
it's fundamentally social behavior.
So when I strive to talk about the elephant in the room,
I'm not attacking anyone,
I'm not defending anyone,
I'm just trying to talk about that elephant in the room,
as if it were an elephant... in the room.
I see it.
I smell it.
I've touched it.
I've loved it.
I've hated it.
I've named it.
I feed it every day
and muck out the corner every night
and have cursed it more than once....
Won't someone talk to me about this elephant we're sharing a room with?
So Sailor talked to me about the elephant.
And the pressure dropped
and siren stopped,
and there was no crisis....
... there was only a conversation
I needed to have.
It turns out,
I didn't need to have it
with her.