That's not... UNTRUE.....
Perhaps you remember Sailor and I went to Italy this past summer.
But also that maybe I wasn't feeling great
when we got home
due to many roiling feelings
about people's roiling feelings.
Since then,
I have been obsessed
with wanting to understand my friend's point of view....
... excepting that
when I try to ask,
it is made clear I am the asshole
for asking/not already understanding/prying
and these are rude questions
which will be dealt with
accordingly.
As if I've never seen this trauma response before.
May I introduce: my grandmother.
A lady who kept all her hurt,
and all her secrets,
and all her fears,
and all her meaningful stories,
locked up and away
as if they never existed.
Even when she was dying of cancer,
she kept it a secret
(from her husband,
her children, her living siblings, her friends)
out of pride.
So I try to satisfy myself
with general inquiry
with everyone I find
who *admits* to
this style of defensiveness.
(ie: usually people who have been to,
or are currently going to -
therapy)
And we talk about it in their life...
.. and how they battle it.
And I ask the occasional loving third party,
how she's doing.
Spending a joyous time
with my oldest close friend last week
I asked if she got an account of Italian Summer from our mutual friend.
She replied,
"Oh, she had a great time.
But she said you guys really struggled, though."
I wonder how much surprise
showed on my face.
I might have involuntarily chuckled.
"Really??"
Feeling incredulous.
"We thought she was the one who struggled to enjoy it."
But then I thought a second and said,
"Sure. Actually, I could agree to that.
It's not necessarily untrue.
We DID have a rough time,
that is totally true."
What was most surprising to me,
was that our friend DID have a good time.
That's excellent news, of course...
but you coulda fooled us.
In fact, that very point
was the crux of the struggle
Sailor and I felt
on the trip.
When I love what is going on,
I say, "I love what is going on!"
As far as I can tell,
when my friend loves what is going on
she says something along the lines of,
"That wasn't even a good creme brulee'.
My homemade flan is better."
or
"Their bus system makes no sense, I almost got stranded.
Everyone was so rude."
Her homemade flan,
IS amazing, guys.
But, it was like being irradiated with negativity...
...and I didn't know how to handle it.
I still don't.
She recently got back into theater,
and was stage managing a play this fall.
She talked about it as a lifeline,
but when I asked if she was enjoying herself,
she knit her brows and rolled her eyes
and began listing off the responsibilities
that she has to take on on top of her normal responsibilities
because other people don't know how to do anything "right".
This is her version of,
"I'm needed and I love what I'm doing!"
But I have to carefully decode her speech...
much like when I was learning Mandarin Chinese.
But now that I've got my finger on this frame,
where the daily world is couched as a never ending series
of struggles, fights, battles, contests, challenges and chores...
I recognize that all I hear is negativity
no matter whether the loved one "won" or not.
A whole world calculated in terms of
losses versus victories.
It sounds like a tragedy, to me.
But maybe that's how they turn it into a comedy, for them?
Or simply a drama,
rather than a full-on tragedy?
My living theory is that you don't have to look for:
pain, suffering, work, sadness, grief, fear, or loss.
YOU WILL ENCOUNTER THEM.
They WILL find you.
Happiness is not guaranteed,
and therefore you must look for *that*.
Keep your eyes on it.
Acknowledge it.
Talk about it.
Remember it.
Invite it EVERYWHERE,
even if only accepts the invitation sometimes.
Expectation can hide itself as excitement.
Beware.
Check that shit.
It feels good to acknowledge my own failure of imagination,
and my struggle to enjoy myself during that particular trip.
I can't blame her for our differences.
I don't blame myself, either.
But I can remember
pleasure doesn't look/feel the same to everyone.
But also that maybe I wasn't feeling great
when we got home
due to many roiling feelings
about people's roiling feelings.
Since then,
I have been obsessed
with wanting to understand my friend's point of view....
... excepting that
when I try to ask,
it is made clear I am the asshole
for asking/not already understanding/prying
and these are rude questions
which will be dealt with
accordingly.
As if I've never seen this trauma response before.
May I introduce: my grandmother.
A lady who kept all her hurt,
and all her secrets,
and all her fears,
and all her meaningful stories,
locked up and away
as if they never existed.
Even when she was dying of cancer,
she kept it a secret
(from her husband,
her children, her living siblings, her friends)
out of pride.
So I try to satisfy myself
with general inquiry
with everyone I find
who *admits* to
this style of defensiveness.
(ie: usually people who have been to,
or are currently going to -
therapy)
And we talk about it in their life...
.. and how they battle it.
And I ask the occasional loving third party,
how she's doing.
Spending a joyous time
with my oldest close friend last week
I asked if she got an account of Italian Summer from our mutual friend.
She replied,
"Oh, she had a great time.
But she said you guys really struggled, though."
I wonder how much surprise
showed on my face.
I might have involuntarily chuckled.
"Really??"
Feeling incredulous.
"We thought she was the one who struggled to enjoy it."
But then I thought a second and said,
"Sure. Actually, I could agree to that.
It's not necessarily untrue.
We DID have a rough time,
that is totally true."
What was most surprising to me,
was that our friend DID have a good time.
That's excellent news, of course...
but you coulda fooled us.
In fact, that very point
was the crux of the struggle
Sailor and I felt
on the trip.
When I love what is going on,
I say, "I love what is going on!"
As far as I can tell,
when my friend loves what is going on
she says something along the lines of,
"That wasn't even a good creme brulee'.
My homemade flan is better."
or
"Their bus system makes no sense, I almost got stranded.
Everyone was so rude."
Her homemade flan,
IS amazing, guys.
But, it was like being irradiated with negativity...
...and I didn't know how to handle it.
I still don't.
She recently got back into theater,
and was stage managing a play this fall.
She talked about it as a lifeline,
but when I asked if she was enjoying herself,
she knit her brows and rolled her eyes
and began listing off the responsibilities
that she has to take on on top of her normal responsibilities
because other people don't know how to do anything "right".
This is her version of,
"I'm needed and I love what I'm doing!"
But I have to carefully decode her speech...
much like when I was learning Mandarin Chinese.
But now that I've got my finger on this frame,
where the daily world is couched as a never ending series
of struggles, fights, battles, contests, challenges and chores...
I recognize that all I hear is negativity
no matter whether the loved one "won" or not.
A whole world calculated in terms of
losses versus victories.
It sounds like a tragedy, to me.
But maybe that's how they turn it into a comedy, for them?
Or simply a drama,
rather than a full-on tragedy?
My living theory is that you don't have to look for:
pain, suffering, work, sadness, grief, fear, or loss.
YOU WILL ENCOUNTER THEM.
They WILL find you.
Happiness is not guaranteed,
and therefore you must look for *that*.
Keep your eyes on it.
Acknowledge it.
Talk about it.
Remember it.
Invite it EVERYWHERE,
even if only accepts the invitation sometimes.
Expectation can hide itself as excitement.
Beware.
Check that shit.
It feels good to acknowledge my own failure of imagination,
and my struggle to enjoy myself during that particular trip.
I can't blame her for our differences.
I don't blame myself, either.
But I can remember
pleasure doesn't look/feel the same to everyone.