Can I just... sit here for a second?
Life is picking up speed,
as you may have noticed yourself.
Two weeks ago
I spent a dozen hours interviewing
pro-choice activists,...
OB/GYNs and EMS,
the regional director of Planned Parenthood
and a congresswoman.
I collected stories of personal abortion experiences,
and personal not-having-an-abortion experiences.
And edited it together into a show,
for a solidarity day
held around the country
regarding the new Texas anti-abortion law that went into effect last month.
This past week,
I spent dozens of hours interviewing
contemporary Native musicians and performance artists
and attending performances.
Life is so hard, obviously.
This is all under my Volunteer Work moniker.
This is the shit I do for fun,
because no one will pay me.
At least, not yet.
My new job,
so far,
just pays me to email musicians,
make schedules,
and to make spreadsheets.
I had my first meeting with the Development/Investment team,
and the director of the program
was INTENSE.
I came out of it feeling discontent,
frustrated, and defensive about my role
and my team.
The new hire on his team
is very nice.
After he left
she said,
"Yeah, I was intimidated by him at first, too."
In the name of diplomacy I said,
"Sure. Ok... maybe I'll call it 'intimidated'..."
But really?
I was in my first stage of anger.
The kind of anger waitstaff has for a customer
who condescends emphatically while making their requests
that make sense to THEM, but not necessarily to everyone else.
"No, I want one-half of a packet of Sweet&Low
and one-halfof a packet of Equal for my coffee, ok?
You just brought me a packet of Sweet & Low, and a packet of Equal,
do you SEE how you are making this DIFFICULT for me?"
The request,
technically... is reasonable.
It is literally doable.
They're not asking for magic,
only... a favor of some kind.
But the problem (for me) is where their emphasis is.
Their request is really more:
"Do this for me, because I'm telling you to"
rather than
"Do this for me, because I'm asking you to."
Demand
vs
Request
[Go on? Why yes... I will!]
One thing I learned working business-to-business sales
and also working in mental health with schizophrenics,...
.....is that salesmen and schizophrenics are both well-versed in emotional, psychological, and physical manipulation
and intimidation.
Also I learned that .... people don't scare me.
... And that people who are easily scared by people,
like and trust me.
To me, this feels.... like I've got the right balance in life.
But to aggressive personalities,
who expect a jump & fetch respect from those around them
feel a kind of hopeful malice toward me.
I defer,
I flatter,
I apologize,
I assent,
I show concern...
... which they enjoy.
... and which they approve of.
... and yet, I do not necessarily do as I am told.
I look at the backdoor of their upfront demand.
I question how things are being handled,
and why.
And they simply don't have time for that.
They do not know why I won't get on their page
how/when they tell me to.
I know I DO need to learn
how to better manage these situations.
I don't want either of us to be frustrated.
But on the other hand,
I don't want either of us bullied.
He had a strong 'push'
which is probably why he's so successful at fundraising.
Why he's been a development director all over town.
I wonder if I was more offended by his 'push'
and his way of making demands,
or simply by the way he talks about money.
A powerful respect for wealth, and wealthy people
which he wanted to confer on me;
that he expected me to share, automatically.
That these people and their large gifts
deserve to be made happy in return,
in whatever way he, or I
can possibly do.
Where on the inside,
I'm like,
"Naw, man.
That's YOUR job."
This organization has been around for 60 years.
Until about 7 years ago,
one wing was production,
and one wing was funding,
and they did not share an incorporated umbrella.
There were literally,
two different organizations
toward the same cause
working from different ends.
They are still trying to heal over that schism.
I was literally hired TO DO THAT.
So my knee-jerk reaction,
was really MY REACTION,
and not my JOB.
There is one other person like me.
They were hired by Development, to produce for-profit/profitable content.
Production, hired by Development/Marketing.
I am the opposite.
I was hired by Production, to connect created/creative content
to market opportunities.
Development/Marketing, hired by Production.
So I must find my inner salesman, again.
And dust my suit of marketing armor,
and remember....
.... I don't need to worry about money directly,
but I do need to worry about opportunities to make money.
And I may have missed an opportunity,
by refusing to be bullied into position.
...wait.
Is that right?
No... no... nevermind.
I think I did fine.
But...
I can find my own path to that position.
I know where he wants me to go.
He gave me THAT much with his direct verbal shoves.
Looking for a path I do like,
...to connect our worlds,
our desires, our expectations, our needs,
our priorities, and cross the divide....
IS indeed MY JOB.
(but that doesn't mean I have to sublimate my personality
and/or our broadcast/production priorities to make rich old white people happy)
as you may have noticed yourself.
Two weeks ago
I spent a dozen hours interviewing
pro-choice activists,...
OB/GYNs and EMS,
the regional director of Planned Parenthood
and a congresswoman.
I collected stories of personal abortion experiences,
and personal not-having-an-abortion experiences.
And edited it together into a show,
for a solidarity day
held around the country
regarding the new Texas anti-abortion law that went into effect last month.
This past week,
I spent dozens of hours interviewing
contemporary Native musicians and performance artists
and attending performances.
Life is so hard, obviously.
This is all under my Volunteer Work moniker.
This is the shit I do for fun,
because no one will pay me.
At least, not yet.
My new job,
so far,
just pays me to email musicians,
make schedules,
and to make spreadsheets.
I had my first meeting with the Development/Investment team,
and the director of the program
was INTENSE.
I came out of it feeling discontent,
frustrated, and defensive about my role
and my team.
The new hire on his team
is very nice.
After he left
she said,
"Yeah, I was intimidated by him at first, too."
In the name of diplomacy I said,
"Sure. Ok... maybe I'll call it 'intimidated'..."
But really?
I was in my first stage of anger.
The kind of anger waitstaff has for a customer
who condescends emphatically while making their requests
that make sense to THEM, but not necessarily to everyone else.
"No, I want one-half of a packet of Sweet&Low
and one-halfof a packet of Equal for my coffee, ok?
You just brought me a packet of Sweet & Low, and a packet of Equal,
do you SEE how you are making this DIFFICULT for me?"
The request,
technically... is reasonable.
It is literally doable.
They're not asking for magic,
only... a favor of some kind.
But the problem (for me) is where their emphasis is.
Their request is really more:
"Do this for me, because I'm telling you to"
rather than
"Do this for me, because I'm asking you to."
Demand
vs
Request
[Go on? Why yes... I will!]
One thing I learned working business-to-business sales
and also working in mental health with schizophrenics,...
.....is that salesmen and schizophrenics are both well-versed in emotional, psychological, and physical manipulation
and intimidation.
Also I learned that .... people don't scare me.
... And that people who are easily scared by people,
like and trust me.
To me, this feels.... like I've got the right balance in life.
But to aggressive personalities,
who expect a jump & fetch respect from those around them
feel a kind of hopeful malice toward me.
I defer,
I flatter,
I apologize,
I assent,
I show concern...
... which they enjoy.
... and which they approve of.
... and yet, I do not necessarily do as I am told.
I look at the backdoor of their upfront demand.
I question how things are being handled,
and why.
And they simply don't have time for that.
They do not know why I won't get on their page
how/when they tell me to.
I know I DO need to learn
how to better manage these situations.
I don't want either of us to be frustrated.
But on the other hand,
I don't want either of us bullied.
He had a strong 'push'
which is probably why he's so successful at fundraising.
Why he's been a development director all over town.
I wonder if I was more offended by his 'push'
and his way of making demands,
or simply by the way he talks about money.
A powerful respect for wealth, and wealthy people
which he wanted to confer on me;
that he expected me to share, automatically.
That these people and their large gifts
deserve to be made happy in return,
in whatever way he, or I
can possibly do.
Where on the inside,
I'm like,
"Naw, man.
That's YOUR job."
This organization has been around for 60 years.
Until about 7 years ago,
one wing was production,
and one wing was funding,
and they did not share an incorporated umbrella.
There were literally,
two different organizations
toward the same cause
working from different ends.
They are still trying to heal over that schism.
I was literally hired TO DO THAT.
So my knee-jerk reaction,
was really MY REACTION,
and not my JOB.
There is one other person like me.
They were hired by Development, to produce for-profit/profitable content.
Production, hired by Development/Marketing.
I am the opposite.
I was hired by Production, to connect created/creative content
to market opportunities.
Development/Marketing, hired by Production.
So I must find my inner salesman, again.
And dust my suit of marketing armor,
and remember....
.... I don't need to worry about money directly,
but I do need to worry about opportunities to make money.
And I may have missed an opportunity,
by refusing to be bullied into position.
...wait.
Is that right?
No... no... nevermind.
I think I did fine.
But...
I can find my own path to that position.
I know where he wants me to go.
He gave me THAT much with his direct verbal shoves.
Looking for a path I do like,
...to connect our worlds,
our desires, our expectations, our needs,
our priorities, and cross the divide....
IS indeed MY JOB.
(but that doesn't mean I have to sublimate my personality
and/or our broadcast/production priorities to make rich old white people happy)