It's The Little Things...
I'm in a hurricane of "futures"
all of them wind,
thin air,
promises of more... or less
... hopes,
dreams,
themes,
... there are screams in the background, too.
Low ones.
A sick animal, maybe.
It doesn't exist to remind me,
it just reminds me
that nothing is real,
until it's real.
That hopes and fears and all the years
(♫♪auld lang syne♪♫)
are misty water colored memories
(♫♪of the way.... things could've been
if any one thing was different....♪♫)
Things work out for some,
and they don't work out for others.
I am both someone,
and some other.
I know this.
Things feel like they got into full swing, fast.
Back to regular meetings with the radio station folk,
and our Board of Directors.
Our newest board member says,
"What... does the organization need money FOR?
I'm a CPA... I want to know what is needed.
Not just new staff and paychecks, I know that one.
I mean.. what do we technically NEED money for,
that we aren't already working on?"
Our Board Chair says,
"I asked before once, 'What ideas any of you have if money was no object?'
and I actually had trouble getting answers."
I raise my hand.
"Um, I have 50 ideas.
How long do you want me to talk?"
My radio show had already started
(I had intended to leave the meeting earlier...)
So I gave my top 3 answers,
and rushed to my show downstairs.
If there is one thing I am good at,
it's IDEAS.
Pretty solid... realistic... ideas.
I woke up this morning to a slurry of emails.
I am now looped in **completely**.
The entire board wants to hear from me...
... about everything.
Equipment.
Events.
Newsletters.
PR.
THE FUTURE.
I am flattered,
and yet also defeated, somehow.
I'm not sure exactly *why*.
Last week Sailor asked me what kind of fence I want for the front yard.
The last two nights I've been literally dreaming of fences.
Fences with secret messages.
Fences with moving pictures.
Fences with religious themes.
Fences with hidden faces.
Fences with clubhouses secreted inside.
I think of ZERO fences I've seen before.
I think of 100 fences I've never seen before.
That's what I want.
One I've never seen before.
My sleeping dreams have been fruitful lately.
Sailor and I have been talking to each other,
and with our mutual bestie and her husband
about whether (and how) they could/would
build a house on our land.
A way to make it affordable for them.
A way to help us fund our own future.
Two birds.
One stone.
Win-Win-Win
- is the only option.
I woke up at three in the morning.
I knew how to do it, I THINK.
My brain had been chewing on the money puzzle...
How to (and how much to) hand money back and forth
to benefit us all.
Trying to plan 10 years in advance
not just for our little household,
but for theirs.
This is not my normal inclination.
I plan for tomorrow.
Next week.
Maybe... next month.
Maybe, maybe not.
It's too scary to try to read a specific suture
tied in the fog of the future.
Why do I worry so much?
Why do I feel its so unstable?
I don't ask that as an existential groan,
or call into the void...
I ask in a quixotic rhetorical way,
because I *know* the answer.
Because this is normal for me:
Scene set:
This past Spring, I finished my Library & Information Sciences certification,
which was what I did during COVID.
I applied for graduation.
Last time I graduated from this school,
I got no notice
and 6 months later I got a diploma and an apology
for it "taking so long" to get to me.
*shrug*
I don't care.
The paper IS THE ONLY REASON I went,
but... I don't recognize it, either.
Whatever.
Anyways, so I applied for this certification/graduation...
and heard nothing,
and figured
The day I am ready to rub my hands together and find out
whether I graduated and what I can expect
(since its been 2 months now)
I get an email from my academic advisor.
"I don't know what happened, but...
for some reason you didn't graduate.
I've never seen this happen before.
They just gave you a non-credit standing,
even though you are signed up as a credit student.
You got a 4.0, I don't know why this is happening."
I'm surprised, but not surprised.
I never know HOW things are going to go sideways,
I just know, they're commonly sideways in my world.
The Graduate Credentials Director
(who is the guy to fix it)
was out of the office that day.
It was suggested I fill many forms out,
and hope.
I.... will do that.
I will.
Sure.
Whatever.
But... I kicked it down the road.
I want to be on the phone with the Credentials Man
when I email him my strange sheaf of forms
where I am being told to:
Withdraw from the program and school,
reapply to the school,
and then file for graduation... in one fell
(and bureaucratically confusing)
swoop.
That is... my life.
Who can plan for THAT?
Speaking of:
Two days ago Sailor emailed me a job opportunity.
It is actually a paying job,
with PBS
doing the TV version
of my longtime volunteer radio job.
Local non-profit,
well-compensated,
stable organization,
respected field,
... they specifically want someone with "local connections"
to the area music scene,
experience performing recorded interviews,
booking/scheduling for broadcast,
grant editing,
and whatever else it takes
(for they are unsure)
to handle a locally-produced
local-music/artist spotlight
that benefits everyone equally.
Part-time.
Independent contractor.
Um, yes?
Please?
I suppose I should have taken up the volunteer opportunity
to do this for the local community TV station...
... so I'd be FULLY prepped?
But, so it goes.
We'll see.
It's perfect,
but I'm not good at getting excited.
I am hopeful,
but... I also hope I wake up tomorrow.
Everyday is a gamble, ya know?
How am I supposed to plan for a fence for our house?
A house for a friend?
A rooftop concert during a pandemic?
A certification I already earned?
A job I'm already doing?
PR for an event with a last-minute drop-out,
(and where no one wants to actually make it better except me)?
I'm just trying to shower daily,
and paint some rafters,
and do some dishes
and answer all those emails
about all those ideas
I'm cooking.
I could easily do nothing but work all day
every day,....
and I don't even have a job!
all of them wind,
thin air,
promises of more... or less
... hopes,
dreams,
themes,
... there are screams in the background, too.
Low ones.
A sick animal, maybe.
It doesn't exist to remind me,
it just reminds me
that nothing is real,
until it's real.
That hopes and fears and all the years
(♫♪auld lang syne♪♫)
are misty water colored memories
(♫♪of the way.... things could've been
if any one thing was different....♪♫)
Things work out for some,
and they don't work out for others.
I am both someone,
and some other.
I know this.
Things feel like they got into full swing, fast.
Back to regular meetings with the radio station folk,
and our Board of Directors.
Our newest board member says,
"What... does the organization need money FOR?
I'm a CPA... I want to know what is needed.
Not just new staff and paychecks, I know that one.
I mean.. what do we technically NEED money for,
that we aren't already working on?"
Our Board Chair says,
"I asked before once, 'What ideas any of you have if money was no object?'
and I actually had trouble getting answers."
I raise my hand.
"Um, I have 50 ideas.
How long do you want me to talk?"
My radio show had already started
(I had intended to leave the meeting earlier...)
So I gave my top 3 answers,
and rushed to my show downstairs.
If there is one thing I am good at,
it's IDEAS.
Pretty solid... realistic... ideas.
I woke up this morning to a slurry of emails.
I am now looped in **completely**.
The entire board wants to hear from me...
... about everything.
Equipment.
Events.
Newsletters.
PR.
THE FUTURE.
I am flattered,
and yet also defeated, somehow.
I'm not sure exactly *why*.
Last week Sailor asked me what kind of fence I want for the front yard.
The last two nights I've been literally dreaming of fences.
Fences with secret messages.
Fences with moving pictures.
Fences with religious themes.
Fences with hidden faces.
Fences with clubhouses secreted inside.
I think of ZERO fences I've seen before.
I think of 100 fences I've never seen before.
That's what I want.
One I've never seen before.
My sleeping dreams have been fruitful lately.
Sailor and I have been talking to each other,
and with our mutual bestie and her husband
about whether (and how) they could/would
build a house on our land.
A way to make it affordable for them.
A way to help us fund our own future.
Two birds.
One stone.
Win-Win-Win
- is the only option.
I woke up at three in the morning.
I knew how to do it, I THINK.
My brain had been chewing on the money puzzle...
How to (and how much to) hand money back and forth
to benefit us all.
Trying to plan 10 years in advance
not just for our little household,
but for theirs.
This is not my normal inclination.
I plan for tomorrow.
Next week.
Maybe... next month.
Maybe, maybe not.
It's too scary to try to read a specific suture
tied in the fog of the future.
Why do I worry so much?
Why do I feel its so unstable?
I don't ask that as an existential groan,
or call into the void...
I ask in a quixotic rhetorical way,
because I *know* the answer.
Because this is normal for me:
Scene set:
This past Spring, I finished my Library & Information Sciences certification,
which was what I did during COVID.
I applied for graduation.
Last time I graduated from this school,
I got no notice
and 6 months later I got a diploma and an apology
for it "taking so long" to get to me.
*shrug*
I don't care.
The paper IS THE ONLY REASON I went,
but... I don't recognize it, either.
Whatever.
Anyways, so I applied for this certification/graduation...
and heard nothing,
and figured
The day I am ready to rub my hands together and find out
whether I graduated and what I can expect
(since its been 2 months now)
I get an email from my academic advisor.
"I don't know what happened, but...
for some reason you didn't graduate.
I've never seen this happen before.
They just gave you a non-credit standing,
even though you are signed up as a credit student.
You got a 4.0, I don't know why this is happening."
I'm surprised, but not surprised.
I never know HOW things are going to go sideways,
I just know, they're commonly sideways in my world.
The Graduate Credentials Director
(who is the guy to fix it)
was out of the office that day.
It was suggested I fill many forms out,
and hope.
I.... will do that.
I will.
Sure.
Whatever.
But... I kicked it down the road.
I want to be on the phone with the Credentials Man
when I email him my strange sheaf of forms
where I am being told to:
Withdraw from the program and school,
reapply to the school,
and then file for graduation... in one fell
(and bureaucratically confusing)
swoop.
That is... my life.
Who can plan for THAT?
Speaking of:
Two days ago Sailor emailed me a job opportunity.
It is actually a paying job,
with PBS
doing the TV version
of my longtime volunteer radio job.
Local non-profit,
well-compensated,
stable organization,
respected field,
... they specifically want someone with "local connections"
to the area music scene,
experience performing recorded interviews,
booking/scheduling for broadcast,
grant editing,
and whatever else it takes
(for they are unsure)
to handle a locally-produced
local-music/artist spotlight
that benefits everyone equally.
Part-time.
Independent contractor.
Um, yes?
Please?
I suppose I should have taken up the volunteer opportunity
to do this for the local community TV station...
... so I'd be FULLY prepped?
But, so it goes.
We'll see.
It's perfect,
but I'm not good at getting excited.
I am hopeful,
but... I also hope I wake up tomorrow.
Everyday is a gamble, ya know?
How am I supposed to plan for a fence for our house?
A house for a friend?
A rooftop concert during a pandemic?
A certification I already earned?
A job I'm already doing?
PR for an event with a last-minute drop-out,
(and where no one wants to actually make it better except me)?
I'm just trying to shower daily,
and paint some rafters,
and do some dishes
and answer all those emails
about all those ideas
I'm cooking.
I could easily do nothing but work all day
every day,....
and I don't even have a job!