I Hear, Acknowledge, and Recognize Your Thunderstorm.
I spy
with my little eye
something
(someone)
that is
breaking.
I feel surrounded by emotionally compacted people,
their feelings fiefdom so full,
they can barely stroll their own garden paths
without choking on panicking tears,
bursting into feverish heart attacks
at the thought
of feeling
all the feelings
they're feeling.
Most I know are trying to escape,
through THOUGHT.
Waging brain against heart,
in a battle
which has no winner,...
and then they feel bruised,
hushed, controlled, misrepresented...
which they hustle up
and rustle up
to corral in the Feeling Fief,
where the new feelings organize themselves,
alongside the imprisoned old feelings...
speaking up more loudly, as a bigger more hard-to-herd group...
...forcing the brain into authoritarian maneuvers
to maintain control
under Any Means Necessary.
Repeat.
Ad infinitum.
Sailor had his first medical appointment with a primary care physician
just to have a doctor, at all.
Before the appointment,
he filled out his health survey...
and as he described it,...
he "told to truth"
during those basic questions about
feelings of depression, hopelessness, or being overwhelmed.
His TeleDoc, immediately asked him about these answers,
searching for clinical depression or signs of self-harm and danger....
but Sailor is nonchalant,
he says, "It's just the news.. and the world.
I think I should be considered sick if I DIDN'T feel more depressed, hopeless, or overwhelmed
than usual, right now!
I'm fine, I'm just... ya know... *AWARE*."
Teledoc laughed.
Neither were engaging in tomfoolery...
it was simply... a bitter truth
acknowledged socially
in a way to dispel the tension
they both felt
sharing the reality
of all
that is
before us,
and agreeing on the horror of it all.
Yes.
We are in a pressure cooker right now,
but we're but two beans
just soaking in sweet juices.
Luxuriously, we're FINE,
all things considered
at the moment.
However, around us
people
are
MELTING
from the heat
of the dome doom
we're simmerin' in.
But really,
in the whole world
is there ANYTHING that makes as much sense right now
as FAMILY and
FRIENDSHIP?
Except, we have to be careful,
and that is making some avoidant,
rather than *safe*.
I mean, we can't even trust the future right now....
so I get it...
And yes NOW *is* scary...
and overwhelming,...
but... what else is there?
Constant state of existential crisis
over the uncertain future,
and yet also being panicked by... today?
And maybe, by yesterday, too?
Possibly, sure.
It's not unrealistic.
Lots of people live in this state...
just.... shock 24/7.
... but if you had a choice,
would you?
Does that mindset help you grow a seeds of security,
happiness, or confidence...
or does it kill those things?
(spoiler: it kills those things)
Most of us have little/no choice as the world falls down around us...
... or is burned down,
... or is murdered in broad daylight o camera,...
... or dies in a hospital without you...
But we have the freedom to react,
and to move forward,
or NOT move forward.
Is there any answer?
I think we tear down those walls, those shields,
those armors we've built for ourselves
and our fragile egos
and our too-short and very individual lives...
and *choose* to FEEL again.
Fully.
Whole-heartedly.
Breakingly achingly so.
My brainy-thoughty parts,
tell my meaty-hearty parts
this unraveling is what happens
when we, as individuals
(and as groups),
sublimate our feelings for long periods of time.
Funny my brain tells my heart that,
but my brain has always been the talkative one
yet rather sensitive... for a brain.
We cannot choke down the reality of our experiences forever.
We cannot keep hiding from crying.
We cannot survive convincing ourselves
that we don't need (let alone deserve)
a full night's sleep,
or a healthy, delicious meal,
or 7 loving touches,
or behaving with honesty to yourself and others,
or scant minutes practicing an art you love,
or fresh air and the chance to break a sweat,
or having an inspired conversation about anything with a loved one,
or 20 FULL minutes of peace and quiet, actually used for peace and quiet,
or space to **feel whatever we feel** without judgment,..
and also space to have feelings without *having* to act on them...
or.... any of the many gifts we need to be sure we are giving *ourselves*
almost every day.
That's right... giving OURSELVES.
Including the touching!
Including the conversation!
We must be among our own loved ones!
If we are not... the root of the problem
has just been found!
No justice, no peace!
We need emotional self-release!
Internally and externally,
this tension is real...
psychologically AND politically,
financially AND spiritually,
personally AND professionally,
we need
to be allowed
to NEED
without shame, guilt, or condescension,
including from our interior voice.
Holding it all in
is driving people crazy.
What I want to say is,
"You're not going crazy,...
you are going crazy... and it's okay."
It's not crazy,
to feel things are crazy,
when they're crazy.
Things ARE crazy right now!
You're feeling crazy?
Good.
It means you can still FEEL.
Hang on to that... don't run away.
Dig in deeper,
hold it.
Acknowledge it.... it's real.
Don't stop feeling!
Reality is trying to reach you!
It's scary!
It's dangerous!
It's uncertain!
It's even heart-breaking.
But it IS... okay, too.
We might have to ask for help,
we might have to prioritize our needs,
we might have to set boundaries,
we might have to start LOVING OURSELVES, for real...
My friends who are struggling,
are also my friends
who have historically had the hardest time
being kind to themselves.
They are the sort that motivate themselves
by beating themselves up,
or yelling at themselves.
Now, they are stopped-up.
Full-to-bursting,
constantly in danger of becoming
undone
by their own
emotional and psychological needs.
That is where I think that feeling of alarm comes from.
This spreading panic... oozing from seemingly every direction.
Insidious anxiety permeating everything, like smoke.
The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE.
The call is coming from INSIDE ALMOST EVERY HOUSE.
The very danger,
the very fear,
of having very basic needs
(like sleep, nutrition, creativity, justice, communion, quiet, respect, or touches)
that are also going unmet,
compounded by feelings of shame or guilt,
for having needs at all.
Add in... whatever feelings you used to have,
BEFORE The 'Rona!
Whatever trauma, feelings, or circumstances
you were dealing with
(or not dealing with)
from the Before Times.
I'm a nobody,
I'm a no one.
But if this advice hurts...
... just to be kind to yourself...?
... just to love yourself...?
... just to listen to the protesting feelings inside,
(or fuck yes, JOIN THEM!)
despite the fear, the danger, the mayhem
that might arise from march WITH yourself,
(ALL OF THEM! Don't pick and choose,
ALL YOUR FEELINGS! All their colors! All their REASONS!
All their demands! Just... LISTEN, like you care)
rather than ignore them,
or refuse them...?
Then.... you are admitting
that kindness, love, self-respect, and solidarity
are acting like your enemy.
WHY??
Why would kindness, love, self-respect, and solidarity....
DO that?
It's probably because they've been forced into submission so long,
their VERY EXISTENCE
hurts now.
If caring about one more thing,
even if that thing is yourself,
is a breaking point....
The riddle of why you feel so tired,
so depleted, overwhelmed,
under served,
undeserving,
thirsty-yet-drowning,
starving-yet-bloated,
calm.... but... panicking.
Avoid a nervous breakdown,
and listen to yourself,
AND reach out for support,
AND tell the truth about your needs,
AND love yourself, even when you don't know how...
ESPECIALLY if you don't know how!
Try anyways!
The 'Rona isn't a reasonable reason not to practice self-love.
It might seem counter-intuitive to ask for help now,
but 'help' can many so many things
that might really
help you out,
and people might have ideas
you never thought of.
Asking for help is not a weakness, its a strength!
So... be strong!
Sorry reality sucks!
But escapism.... won't help.
IMMERSION... *is* the only way in *and* out
of this beautifully scary trap
called
"life".
But, you're amazing!
You've got this!
I'm here for you!
I'm here with you... even if I'm a minimum of 6 feet away!
with my little eye
something
(someone)
that is
breaking.
I feel surrounded by emotionally compacted people,
their feelings fiefdom so full,
they can barely stroll their own garden paths
without choking on panicking tears,
bursting into feverish heart attacks
at the thought
of feeling
all the feelings
they're feeling.
Most I know are trying to escape,
through THOUGHT.
Waging brain against heart,
in a battle
which has no winner,...
and then they feel bruised,
hushed, controlled, misrepresented...
which they hustle up
and rustle up
to corral in the Feeling Fief,
where the new feelings organize themselves,
alongside the imprisoned old feelings...
speaking up more loudly, as a bigger more hard-to-herd group...
...forcing the brain into authoritarian maneuvers
to maintain control
under Any Means Necessary.
Repeat.
Ad infinitum.
Sailor had his first medical appointment with a primary care physician
just to have a doctor, at all.
Before the appointment,
he filled out his health survey...
and as he described it,...
he "told to truth"
during those basic questions about
feelings of depression, hopelessness, or being overwhelmed.
His TeleDoc, immediately asked him about these answers,
searching for clinical depression or signs of self-harm and danger....
but Sailor is nonchalant,
he says, "It's just the news.. and the world.
I think I should be considered sick if I DIDN'T feel more depressed, hopeless, or overwhelmed
than usual, right now!
I'm fine, I'm just... ya know... *AWARE*."
Teledoc laughed.
Neither were engaging in tomfoolery...
it was simply... a bitter truth
acknowledged socially
in a way to dispel the tension
they both felt
sharing the reality
of all
that is
before us,
and agreeing on the horror of it all.
Yes.
We are in a pressure cooker right now,
but we're but two beans
just soaking in sweet juices.
Luxuriously, we're FINE,
all things considered
at the moment.
However, around us
people
are
MELTING
from the heat
of the dome doom
we're simmerin' in.
But really,
in the whole world
is there ANYTHING that makes as much sense right now
as FAMILY and
FRIENDSHIP?
Except, we have to be careful,
and that is making some avoidant,
rather than *safe*.
I mean, we can't even trust the future right now....
so I get it...
And yes NOW *is* scary...
and overwhelming,...
but... what else is there?
Constant state of existential crisis
over the uncertain future,
and yet also being panicked by... today?
And maybe, by yesterday, too?
Possibly, sure.
It's not unrealistic.
Lots of people live in this state...
just.... shock 24/7.
... but if you had a choice,
would you?
Does that mindset help you grow a seeds of security,
happiness, or confidence...
or does it kill those things?
(spoiler: it kills those things)
Most of us have little/no choice as the world falls down around us...
... or is burned down,
... or is murdered in broad daylight o camera,...
... or dies in a hospital without you...
But we have the freedom to react,
and to move forward,
or NOT move forward.
Is there any answer?
I think we tear down those walls, those shields,
those armors we've built for ourselves
and our fragile egos
and our too-short and very individual lives...
and *choose* to FEEL again.
Fully.
Whole-heartedly.
Breakingly achingly so.
My brainy-thoughty parts,
tell my meaty-hearty parts
this unraveling is what happens
when we, as individuals
(and as groups),
sublimate our feelings for long periods of time.
Funny my brain tells my heart that,
but my brain has always been the talkative one
yet rather sensitive... for a brain.
We cannot choke down the reality of our experiences forever.
We cannot keep hiding from crying.
We cannot survive convincing ourselves
that we don't need (let alone deserve)
a full night's sleep,
or a healthy, delicious meal,
or 7 loving touches,
or behaving with honesty to yourself and others,
or scant minutes practicing an art you love,
or fresh air and the chance to break a sweat,
or having an inspired conversation about anything with a loved one,
or 20 FULL minutes of peace and quiet, actually used for peace and quiet,
or space to **feel whatever we feel** without judgment,..
and also space to have feelings without *having* to act on them...
or.... any of the many gifts we need to be sure we are giving *ourselves*
almost every day.
That's right... giving OURSELVES.
Including the touching!
Including the conversation!
We must be among our own loved ones!
If we are not... the root of the problem
has just been found!
No justice, no peace!
We need emotional self-release!
Internally and externally,
this tension is real...
psychologically AND politically,
financially AND spiritually,
personally AND professionally,
we need
to be allowed
to NEED
without shame, guilt, or condescension,
including from our interior voice.
Holding it all in
is driving people crazy.
What I want to say is,
"You're not going crazy,...
you are going crazy... and it's okay."
It's not crazy,
to feel things are crazy,
when they're crazy.
Things ARE crazy right now!
You're feeling crazy?
Good.
It means you can still FEEL.
Hang on to that... don't run away.
Dig in deeper,
hold it.
Acknowledge it.... it's real.
Don't stop feeling!
Reality is trying to reach you!
It's scary!
It's dangerous!
It's uncertain!
It's even heart-breaking.
But it IS... okay, too.
We might have to ask for help,
we might have to prioritize our needs,
we might have to set boundaries,
we might have to start LOVING OURSELVES, for real...
My friends who are struggling,
are also my friends
who have historically had the hardest time
being kind to themselves.
They are the sort that motivate themselves
by beating themselves up,
or yelling at themselves.
Now, they are stopped-up.
Full-to-bursting,
constantly in danger of becoming
undone
by their own
emotional and psychological needs.
That is where I think that feeling of alarm comes from.
This spreading panic... oozing from seemingly every direction.
Insidious anxiety permeating everything, like smoke.
The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE.
The call is coming from INSIDE ALMOST EVERY HOUSE.
The very danger,
the very fear,
of having very basic needs
(like sleep, nutrition, creativity, justice, communion, quiet, respect, or touches)
that are also going unmet,
compounded by feelings of shame or guilt,
for having needs at all.
Add in... whatever feelings you used to have,
BEFORE The 'Rona!
Whatever trauma, feelings, or circumstances
you were dealing with
(or not dealing with)
from the Before Times.
I'm a nobody,
I'm a no one.
But if this advice hurts...
... just to be kind to yourself...?
... just to love yourself...?
... just to listen to the protesting feelings inside,
(or fuck yes, JOIN THEM!)
despite the fear, the danger, the mayhem
that might arise from march WITH yourself,
(ALL OF THEM! Don't pick and choose,
ALL YOUR FEELINGS! All their colors! All their REASONS!
All their demands! Just... LISTEN, like you care)
rather than ignore them,
or refuse them...?
Then.... you are admitting
that kindness, love, self-respect, and solidarity
are acting like your enemy.
WHY??
Why would kindness, love, self-respect, and solidarity....
DO that?
It's probably because they've been forced into submission so long,
their VERY EXISTENCE
hurts now.
If caring about one more thing,
even if that thing is yourself,
is a breaking point....
The riddle of why you feel so tired,
so depleted, overwhelmed,
under served,
undeserving,
thirsty-yet-drowning,
starving-yet-bloated,
calm.... but... panicking.
Avoid a nervous breakdown,
and listen to yourself,
AND reach out for support,
AND tell the truth about your needs,
AND love yourself, even when you don't know how...
ESPECIALLY if you don't know how!
Try anyways!
The 'Rona isn't a reasonable reason not to practice self-love.
It might seem counter-intuitive to ask for help now,
but 'help' can many so many things
that might really
help you out,
and people might have ideas
you never thought of.
Asking for help is not a weakness, its a strength!
So... be strong!
Sorry reality sucks!
But escapism.... won't help.
IMMERSION... *is* the only way in *and* out
of this beautifully scary trap
called
"life".
But, you're amazing!
You've got this!
I'm here for you!
I'm here with you... even if I'm a minimum of 6 feet away!