(no subject)
It's hard to be strong for someone when you feel the pain yourself.
I am struggling with beating myself up emotionally again.
I am realizing that I am not fit to care for older children. In fact, I suck at it. Toddlers, littles, that's easy. Older ones, yeah, I suck. There comes a stage in life that I have to question how much information is too much information?.
I'm not a parent. I don't have children. I've never raised a child. Maybe it's different when you've been a part of their life from the beginning. I'm the "step-parent". But even then, I don't want that title. I have no desire to replace anyone's mother.
How do you explain to a 15 year old that what she perceives to see as the truth is being seen through her dark colored glasses? How do you explain that she doesn't see the whole picture and I don't have to explain the whole picture to her? How do you explain to her that her father's feelings stem from things that started long before I stepped into her life?
How much space is too much space?
This sucks. This whole thing sucks.
I have moments where I wish I could simply sit back, toss my hands up in the air and proclaim, "Not my child. Not my problem." My dignity won't let me do that. My morals say that's the wrong attitude to take. It's easy to look in from the outside of things and say "This is how you should do that." Yeah, blow it out your ear.
You aren't here. You don't see the fine line I walk on a regular basis. You don't have to live with this on a regular basis. I do. This house does. This family does.
I once said I'd never date someone with kids. Then I fell in love with a man who had children. Fuck!
I'm not good at taking care of myself. He makes dinners. I don't. I eat crap when left to my own devices. I do eat when I'm hungry, just not always the best stuff. I reach for the easy things.
I guess I still feel like I don't "own" my life. I feel that everything is still a toss up. The instant things look great, something comes along and shatters it all. The large lack of open honest communication between all parties involved is part of the problem.
I can get angry. I can shout. (Although, this frustrates the teen, and apparently this is something that she shouldn't see; and although I agree that such disagreements should be kept to a minimum and as out of ear shot as possible, one is kidding themselves if they think their parents don't disagree and argue from time to time. How much should one shelter a child?)
I am an emotional being. Very emotional. To the point that I'm either all on or all off. Finding a middle ground is very difficult for me.
I resent those that make everything about them. And then I find myself doing it in my head and thus start to resent myself. In the process I just keep everything inside. I don't seek help, because then that would be me being self centered.
Yeah, I'm screwed.
I'm tired. I'm hurt. Shit is being dug up that happened almost 2 years ago! So much has changed since then. So many things have gotten better.
I won't apologize for making someone be responsible for their own shit.
You want your clothes clean, bring them downstairs, it's not my responsibility to check your room for dirty clothes. Have you seen your room? You do know there is a carpet under there, right? Are you sure you don't want a bed frame? You don't have to sleep on the mattress on the floor. (I guess teens like this?) I've finally stopped reminding her that if she needs anything to make her room here more comfortable to tell us and we'll do what we can.
I can't help give you any more light if all you are going to do is see the dark. Do you volunteer so much to help remind yourself that there are people out there that have it much worse than you? Do you do it so you'll forget about your own problems for a while?
I have lived my life dreaming of the other side of the fence. Constantly going where I think the grass is greener. Only to realize that I bring my own misery. No amount of money and no amount of "friends" will ever fix that. The only thing that can is myself.
I hold myself back. I keep myself from moving forward. I do not know peace because I have failed to live in the present. I long to correct the mistakes of the past and I dream of the possibilities of the future.
I am not perfect. I will make mistakes. I will shout. I will argue. I will cry a river. I will not hit. I will not throw things. I will not cause violence. And I will not delude you into thinking that everything is supposed to be strawberries and cream.
I am struggling with beating myself up emotionally again.
I am realizing that I am not fit to care for older children. In fact, I suck at it. Toddlers, littles, that's easy. Older ones, yeah, I suck. There comes a stage in life that I have to question how much information is too much information?.
I'm not a parent. I don't have children. I've never raised a child. Maybe it's different when you've been a part of their life from the beginning. I'm the "step-parent". But even then, I don't want that title. I have no desire to replace anyone's mother.
How do you explain to a 15 year old that what she perceives to see as the truth is being seen through her dark colored glasses? How do you explain that she doesn't see the whole picture and I don't have to explain the whole picture to her? How do you explain to her that her father's feelings stem from things that started long before I stepped into her life?
How much space is too much space?
This sucks. This whole thing sucks.
I have moments where I wish I could simply sit back, toss my hands up in the air and proclaim, "Not my child. Not my problem." My dignity won't let me do that. My morals say that's the wrong attitude to take. It's easy to look in from the outside of things and say "This is how you should do that." Yeah, blow it out your ear.
You aren't here. You don't see the fine line I walk on a regular basis. You don't have to live with this on a regular basis. I do. This house does. This family does.
I once said I'd never date someone with kids. Then I fell in love with a man who had children. Fuck!
I'm not good at taking care of myself. He makes dinners. I don't. I eat crap when left to my own devices. I do eat when I'm hungry, just not always the best stuff. I reach for the easy things.
I guess I still feel like I don't "own" my life. I feel that everything is still a toss up. The instant things look great, something comes along and shatters it all. The large lack of open honest communication between all parties involved is part of the problem.
I can get angry. I can shout. (Although, this frustrates the teen, and apparently this is something that she shouldn't see; and although I agree that such disagreements should be kept to a minimum and as out of ear shot as possible, one is kidding themselves if they think their parents don't disagree and argue from time to time. How much should one shelter a child?)
I am an emotional being. Very emotional. To the point that I'm either all on or all off. Finding a middle ground is very difficult for me.
I resent those that make everything about them. And then I find myself doing it in my head and thus start to resent myself. In the process I just keep everything inside. I don't seek help, because then that would be me being self centered.
Yeah, I'm screwed.
I'm tired. I'm hurt. Shit is being dug up that happened almost 2 years ago! So much has changed since then. So many things have gotten better.
I won't apologize for making someone be responsible for their own shit.
You want your clothes clean, bring them downstairs, it's not my responsibility to check your room for dirty clothes. Have you seen your room? You do know there is a carpet under there, right? Are you sure you don't want a bed frame? You don't have to sleep on the mattress on the floor. (I guess teens like this?) I've finally stopped reminding her that if she needs anything to make her room here more comfortable to tell us and we'll do what we can.
I can't help give you any more light if all you are going to do is see the dark. Do you volunteer so much to help remind yourself that there are people out there that have it much worse than you? Do you do it so you'll forget about your own problems for a while?
I have lived my life dreaming of the other side of the fence. Constantly going where I think the grass is greener. Only to realize that I bring my own misery. No amount of money and no amount of "friends" will ever fix that. The only thing that can is myself.
I hold myself back. I keep myself from moving forward. I do not know peace because I have failed to live in the present. I long to correct the mistakes of the past and I dream of the possibilities of the future.
I am not perfect. I will make mistakes. I will shout. I will argue. I will cry a river. I will not hit. I will not throw things. I will not cause violence. And I will not delude you into thinking that everything is supposed to be strawberries and cream.