I'll miss you
The other day in the news paper I noticed they asked students how they would be celebrating Black History Month.
All the white kids simply said "I'm not"
Which I found some what comical.
The African American Kids all said what they were doing.
I wasn't surprised. I guess celebrating black history month doesn't mean much to white people sadly. But it seems like it's all I've heard of. It seems like alot of my African American friends just enthrawl themselves in history and past experiences. Thats how they celebrate it. They think back to the past. Try to learn and gain a new perspective.
I know this might come as a shock but...
I dont celebrate black history month.
I dont like to look back at the past.
White people weren't really the best example of good behavior. It's kind of a like a guilty feeling that comes over me when I think about Black History month even thought I really should not.
Ever since I came to college I felt like I haven't known who i was. It took me a very long time to feel like I was standing on steady ground. It seemed like it was always subjected to random earth quakes that would occur unpredictably.
This year I felt alot more stable. I will never shake the sense of an overwhelming anxiety of not accomplishing everything I need to. But I feel like I am capable. I feel like I have found constants in my life.
I've been speaking in code however.
I haven't been very honest with my live journal. And I think it's because my live journal sees the past. It's like a double sided mirror for myself. And all though it isn't a person I feel like I am betraying the lessons I have learned from last year. If I were to write about what has really been going on for the past several weeks I would feel ashamed.
These lyrics I've been posting with angry subjects. the short and brief comments about my weekend. All code.
I think in a way I was lying to myself.
I would like to refer you to Decemeber 7th, 2005. My freshmen year. A very emotional night.
http://gemelli817.livejournal.com/2005/12/07/
So i dont celebrate Black History month.
But last month I was ready to change. January.
After deciding that I had no standard and the only way I was going to acheive any peace of mind was to be sure of myself. To be attachment free. To not be brought down by guys I'm seeing who I know are wrong for me. To focus more on my school and my internship. My friends and my sister.
I put my foot down on everything. I ended everything with everyone. And even something with the one person I really didn't want to. Laurin calls it "Ill Ex Lex" so we can just call him Ex in this.
I didn't want to but I thought it was what I needed to do for myself. He hadn't done anything wrong but I was adiment to do it. I deleted him from my buddly list and my phone. I saw him at a party the night I called it off and just felt angry with myself for doing it. But at the same time I knew it was what I had to do. I felt alright. Torn up but knew it wasn't perminent.
But then for once he came around. Told me I was giving up. Told me we were worth working for it. Looked me in the eyes and gave me that reassurence that I was always asking for. Told me I was the girl he wanted to be with.
For lack of a better saying I was litterally on "Cloud 9....or 9,000"
We started meeting up for dinner 4-5 times a week. Bringing my friends over to his place on the weekend to hang out with him and his roomates. Going to his fraterity parties. Colleen told me it was the most affectionate she had ever seen me with somebody. "You were never like that with Jim"
She was right.
Understanding. Haviing different schedules and activites required patience. A healthy realationship. Effort. A mature effort.
Different then the feelings I expressed on Decemeber 7th, 2005.
I felt so comfortable. It was ok that I didn't see him every night. It was ok that I saw him alot with other girls when I would go out. I felt assured that I was the one he wanted to be with.
I guess it all started unbeknowning to me last tuesday. He stopped over before the "DZ Presents UNCC's Most Elidgable Bachlor". He surprised me. He stood in my door way while I did some homework on my computer and was dancing in the door way to music that wasn't there. He was poking me and picking on me. Smiling. Running around my room. Eating gross pitaschios and trying to kiss me. Told me we would meet up after the DZ pesentation.
I went to the presenation.
It was pretty silly. Frat boys showing off and girls yelling. It raised alot of money but I started to get bored.
Laurin pointed out that the ill ex lex was sitting in front of us. He wasn't sitting with his fraternity. In fact he was surounded by the whole DZ sorroity. This shouldn't have come as a shock. But what latter came as a shock that during the awful rendition of my favorite song "Konstontine" (See Febuary 20th, 2007) I noticed he was sitting next to his ex girlfriend.
It was like everything was manifesting right in front of my eyes. I would never be as good as his sorority girls, or his fraternity brothers. There is always gong to be something more important. I had convinced myself that that wasn't true but while I was hearing "The Presents Just A Pleasent Interuptiong To The Past" (See AIM Info for the past year) come across the speakers I knew. Those lyrics always made me think of him. And for once I knew that I wasn't on his mind. I never had been.
He never did call me that night. And I never did end up going over there.
Its Black history month and alot of people are looking back to the past. They glorify other peoples excrusiating experiences and seek strength throught that. Look at the examples set by strong level headed people who had to over come great strides.
I think I took February as an attempt to go back to Decemember 7th, 2005 and see if I was wrong. Maybe I could be stronger for this. Or Maybe my behavior has been wrong. I have this guilty awful feeling when I think back to that date right now. I just feel awful.
maybe I was right.
I feel alright. So please. Dont get me rescued
All the white kids simply said "I'm not"
Which I found some what comical.
The African American Kids all said what they were doing.
I wasn't surprised. I guess celebrating black history month doesn't mean much to white people sadly. But it seems like it's all I've heard of. It seems like alot of my African American friends just enthrawl themselves in history and past experiences. Thats how they celebrate it. They think back to the past. Try to learn and gain a new perspective.
I know this might come as a shock but...
I dont celebrate black history month.
I dont like to look back at the past.
White people weren't really the best example of good behavior. It's kind of a like a guilty feeling that comes over me when I think about Black History month even thought I really should not.
Ever since I came to college I felt like I haven't known who i was. It took me a very long time to feel like I was standing on steady ground. It seemed like it was always subjected to random earth quakes that would occur unpredictably.
This year I felt alot more stable. I will never shake the sense of an overwhelming anxiety of not accomplishing everything I need to. But I feel like I am capable. I feel like I have found constants in my life.
I've been speaking in code however.
I haven't been very honest with my live journal. And I think it's because my live journal sees the past. It's like a double sided mirror for myself. And all though it isn't a person I feel like I am betraying the lessons I have learned from last year. If I were to write about what has really been going on for the past several weeks I would feel ashamed.
These lyrics I've been posting with angry subjects. the short and brief comments about my weekend. All code.
I think in a way I was lying to myself.
I would like to refer you to Decemeber 7th, 2005. My freshmen year. A very emotional night.
http://gemelli817.livejournal.com/2005/12/07/
So i dont celebrate Black History month.
But last month I was ready to change. January.
After deciding that I had no standard and the only way I was going to acheive any peace of mind was to be sure of myself. To be attachment free. To not be brought down by guys I'm seeing who I know are wrong for me. To focus more on my school and my internship. My friends and my sister.
I put my foot down on everything. I ended everything with everyone. And even something with the one person I really didn't want to. Laurin calls it "Ill Ex Lex" so we can just call him Ex in this.
I didn't want to but I thought it was what I needed to do for myself. He hadn't done anything wrong but I was adiment to do it. I deleted him from my buddly list and my phone. I saw him at a party the night I called it off and just felt angry with myself for doing it. But at the same time I knew it was what I had to do. I felt alright. Torn up but knew it wasn't perminent.
But then for once he came around. Told me I was giving up. Told me we were worth working for it. Looked me in the eyes and gave me that reassurence that I was always asking for. Told me I was the girl he wanted to be with.
For lack of a better saying I was litterally on "Cloud 9....or 9,000"
We started meeting up for dinner 4-5 times a week. Bringing my friends over to his place on the weekend to hang out with him and his roomates. Going to his fraterity parties. Colleen told me it was the most affectionate she had ever seen me with somebody. "You were never like that with Jim"
She was right.
Understanding. Haviing different schedules and activites required patience. A healthy realationship. Effort. A mature effort.
Different then the feelings I expressed on Decemeber 7th, 2005.
I felt so comfortable. It was ok that I didn't see him every night. It was ok that I saw him alot with other girls when I would go out. I felt assured that I was the one he wanted to be with.
I guess it all started unbeknowning to me last tuesday. He stopped over before the "DZ Presents UNCC's Most Elidgable Bachlor". He surprised me. He stood in my door way while I did some homework on my computer and was dancing in the door way to music that wasn't there. He was poking me and picking on me. Smiling. Running around my room. Eating gross pitaschios and trying to kiss me. Told me we would meet up after the DZ pesentation.
I went to the presenation.
It was pretty silly. Frat boys showing off and girls yelling. It raised alot of money but I started to get bored.
Laurin pointed out that the ill ex lex was sitting in front of us. He wasn't sitting with his fraternity. In fact he was surounded by the whole DZ sorroity. This shouldn't have come as a shock. But what latter came as a shock that during the awful rendition of my favorite song "Konstontine" (See Febuary 20th, 2007) I noticed he was sitting next to his ex girlfriend.
It was like everything was manifesting right in front of my eyes. I would never be as good as his sorority girls, or his fraternity brothers. There is always gong to be something more important. I had convinced myself that that wasn't true but while I was hearing "The Presents Just A Pleasent Interuptiong To The Past" (See AIM Info for the past year) come across the speakers I knew. Those lyrics always made me think of him. And for once I knew that I wasn't on his mind. I never had been.
He never did call me that night. And I never did end up going over there.
Its Black history month and alot of people are looking back to the past. They glorify other peoples excrusiating experiences and seek strength throught that. Look at the examples set by strong level headed people who had to over come great strides.
I think I took February as an attempt to go back to Decemember 7th, 2005 and see if I was wrong. Maybe I could be stronger for this. Or Maybe my behavior has been wrong. I have this guilty awful feeling when I think back to that date right now. I just feel awful.
maybe I was right.
I feel alright. So please. Dont get me rescued