change
Something needs to change. I don't know. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of something. Like I'm so close, but I just can't quite get where I want to be. I'm a dreamer. I always have been. I day dream all day about things I may never have, places I may never see. I make "plans" based on nothing, about traveling to places far away and doing crazy things that normal people don't/can't do. I
There are things that I want in life that I feel like I do have control over. Things that I am capable of changing if I want to badly enough and am willing to work hard enough.
But there are other things in life that I want that I feel helpless to change. It's frustrating to wonder aimlessly if I have a set of bum ovaries or some bullshit, because I've tried trying and I've tried not trying and to be honest, I think I'm quite literally going to lose my mind over the whole thing... and I don't want to be a crazy person. It's just hard. There are lots of options, but all those options involve being rich. Which I am not.
I want a new job. I want a job that means something. I hate my job. I don't do anything. I mean that. I do nothing. All day. It's frustrating! I'm not making a difference for anyone. I'm not even making a difference for myself. It's a pay check. That's it.
I talk about it all the time, but I just don't know what to do. I'm in a rut. I wish it were more clear. I wish I could even have a goal to work towards. You know? It's really hard when you don't know what you want, just what you don't want. That doesn't help. Story of my life. I always know what I don't want, but I never know what I do want. Yup, story of my life.
If I was someone else reading this, I'd probably think I was a crazy person. Or something. I don't know. I don't want people to ask me if I'm okay. It's not about that. I don't know.
Brian just called to say good night. I am really tired. I've been so tired this week. I thought I'd get some things done while he was gone, but I've been asleep before midnight every night. My head hurts really bad. I'm just going to take some tylenol and go to sleep.
Gonna stop being weird now. Maybe I'll delete this in the morning, I don't even remember what I've typed.
There are things that I want in life that I feel like I do have control over. Things that I am capable of changing if I want to badly enough and am willing to work hard enough.
But there are other things in life that I want that I feel helpless to change. It's frustrating to wonder aimlessly if I have a set of bum ovaries or some bullshit, because I've tried trying and I've tried not trying and to be honest, I think I'm quite literally going to lose my mind over the whole thing... and I don't want to be a crazy person. It's just hard. There are lots of options, but all those options involve being rich. Which I am not.
I want a new job. I want a job that means something. I hate my job. I don't do anything. I mean that. I do nothing. All day. It's frustrating! I'm not making a difference for anyone. I'm not even making a difference for myself. It's a pay check. That's it.
I talk about it all the time, but I just don't know what to do. I'm in a rut. I wish it were more clear. I wish I could even have a goal to work towards. You know? It's really hard when you don't know what you want, just what you don't want. That doesn't help. Story of my life. I always know what I don't want, but I never know what I do want. Yup, story of my life.
If I was someone else reading this, I'd probably think I was a crazy person. Or something. I don't know. I don't want people to ask me if I'm okay. It's not about that. I don't know.
Brian just called to say good night. I am really tired. I've been so tired this week. I thought I'd get some things done while he was gone, but I've been asleep before midnight every night. My head hurts really bad. I'm just going to take some tylenol and go to sleep.
Gonna stop being weird now. Maybe I'll delete this in the morning, I don't even remember what I've typed.