long days, long nights
I have been skimming my friends list the past couple of days, rather than reading. I feel out of touch with some people, but I've been so busy, as always. I'm anxious for Wednesday. My day off. I always say I'm going to take a day to be lazy, but I never get to anymore.
Today, I've basically been thinking frantically about how I'm turning 25 this month and the clock is ticking. I have to get pregnant in 2009. If there's one goal I'm making myself, that's it. I have to get pregnant. It has been so hard these past few years and it can only get harder from here.
I feel like I wasted an entire year. I spent all of last year pretending I didn't care one way or another. Pretending I didn't want to get pregnant or it didn't matter if I did or didn't. Everyone said "It'll just happen when you stop trying." Yeah, whatever. Oh well. Another year wasted. We've tried on and off for four years and I'm starting to wonder if it will ever happen. Brian will be 29 this year. It only gets harder from here.
I have so many friends who are wonderful, loving mothers. I want that. I want what they have. I want to be like them. I want to share the world with a little guy or girl. I want to share them with the world. I think I'm going to be a great mother and Brian is going to be a great dad.
I'm bound and determined to get pregnant this year.
In other news, my mom isn't having any better luck. She can't find work. It's hard for her. She has a lot of physical limitations. I don't know how disability works, but I'm sure she's looked into it. She might be getting some sort of government assistance, but it's not much if she is. The point is, she's talking about moving to NC to live with her sisters. But she'd be living with her sister Sarah and Sarah says she George can't come.
For those new to my journal, George is my 26 year old brother. He's autistic. Mildly. He has asperger syndrome. Sarah said she "doesn't want to deal with him." Which I think is pretty shitty. I know my mom has spent the past 26 years of her life taking care of him, I can understand her being to a point where she's ready to push him out of the nest, but I think it's a little more than rude for Sarah to be like that about it. Oh well.
I don't know if that will be a scenario or not, but I told my mom if so, I would watch after my brother by stopping by at least once a week or so and maybe helping tidy up or cooking him a meal once a week at least. I mean, he's capable of taking care of himself, but I know him, I would come over and it would basically be a ring of chip bags and lunchable wrappers around his computer desk. He would live off of chips and shit. He basically does anyway. I dunno. I don't know if he knows how to do laundry. Seriously. I don't know. Hm.
Well, either way, I don't know how I feel about my mom moving or not. I think it would be good for her to be with the family which is all down there. At least she'd have a life. But she told me that she can only take so much of her sisters, which I completely understand... I can seriously only handle my brother for like two hours at a time. It's weird, I'm kind of really indifferent about the situation. I wish I could help more, but I can't and I really am not willing to put myself out there and offer either one of them board here at our place. I know we have an empty room, but woah. I finally have a place I'm happy and proud of that I can call my own. I'm not willing to compromise that. Call me greedy, but I just can't do it. I've been on my own since I was 17 and I've personally been through some really rough times. I don't know.
I feel kind of like a bitch, but it's whatever. I'm trying to work out my own life right now and I've done a lot to get where I am. I couldn't deal with a step backwards right now. Jeff being alive was a step back enough for me emotionally.
This is getting really long winded lol.
I'll end this with some other goals I have for this year.
I want to make a cake that has fondant and is decorated really cool.
I want to take up sculpting again.
I want to continue the 365 photo project I've already begun.
I want to get pregnant.
Today, I've basically been thinking frantically about how I'm turning 25 this month and the clock is ticking. I have to get pregnant in 2009. If there's one goal I'm making myself, that's it. I have to get pregnant. It has been so hard these past few years and it can only get harder from here.
I feel like I wasted an entire year. I spent all of last year pretending I didn't care one way or another. Pretending I didn't want to get pregnant or it didn't matter if I did or didn't. Everyone said "It'll just happen when you stop trying." Yeah, whatever. Oh well. Another year wasted. We've tried on and off for four years and I'm starting to wonder if it will ever happen. Brian will be 29 this year. It only gets harder from here.
I have so many friends who are wonderful, loving mothers. I want that. I want what they have. I want to be like them. I want to share the world with a little guy or girl. I want to share them with the world. I think I'm going to be a great mother and Brian is going to be a great dad.
I'm bound and determined to get pregnant this year.
In other news, my mom isn't having any better luck. She can't find work. It's hard for her. She has a lot of physical limitations. I don't know how disability works, but I'm sure she's looked into it. She might be getting some sort of government assistance, but it's not much if she is. The point is, she's talking about moving to NC to live with her sisters. But she'd be living with her sister Sarah and Sarah says she George can't come.
For those new to my journal, George is my 26 year old brother. He's autistic. Mildly. He has asperger syndrome. Sarah said she "doesn't want to deal with him." Which I think is pretty shitty. I know my mom has spent the past 26 years of her life taking care of him, I can understand her being to a point where she's ready to push him out of the nest, but I think it's a little more than rude for Sarah to be like that about it. Oh well.
I don't know if that will be a scenario or not, but I told my mom if so, I would watch after my brother by stopping by at least once a week or so and maybe helping tidy up or cooking him a meal once a week at least. I mean, he's capable of taking care of himself, but I know him, I would come over and it would basically be a ring of chip bags and lunchable wrappers around his computer desk. He would live off of chips and shit. He basically does anyway. I dunno. I don't know if he knows how to do laundry. Seriously. I don't know. Hm.
Well, either way, I don't know how I feel about my mom moving or not. I think it would be good for her to be with the family which is all down there. At least she'd have a life. But she told me that she can only take so much of her sisters, which I completely understand... I can seriously only handle my brother for like two hours at a time. It's weird, I'm kind of really indifferent about the situation. I wish I could help more, but I can't and I really am not willing to put myself out there and offer either one of them board here at our place. I know we have an empty room, but woah. I finally have a place I'm happy and proud of that I can call my own. I'm not willing to compromise that. Call me greedy, but I just can't do it. I've been on my own since I was 17 and I've personally been through some really rough times. I don't know.
I feel kind of like a bitch, but it's whatever. I'm trying to work out my own life right now and I've done a lot to get where I am. I couldn't deal with a step backwards right now. Jeff being alive was a step back enough for me emotionally.
This is getting really long winded lol.
I'll end this with some other goals I have for this year.
I want to make a cake that has fondant and is decorated really cool.
I want to take up sculpting again.
I want to continue the 365 photo project I've already begun.
I want to get pregnant.