(no subject)

Mar 19, 2004 00:40

so it's 12:30 at night, and i am oddly restless despite being exhausted. i don't know what made me do it, but i picked up a book i have lying next to my bed. it's a journal, a special journal. Katie made it for me when we were dating. it was a journal of us, of all the things we did together, or her thought and feelings about us. she kept it in secret, and planned to give it to me on our one year anniversary. but, we never made it that far....

i leafed through it, and felt such a sadness descend upon me. i have refused to read that book for a long time, because i haven't been ever able to make it more than a few pages without crying. i still cannot forgive myself for what happened, all the things that transpired in the tail end of our relationship, and for what our relationship has become. in my eyes, our relationship is still a beautiful thing i never want to forget, but to her it is a blemish in her past she cannot forget soon enough. the fact that i managed to turn something she once saw as so beautiful into such a hideous beast saddens me greatly. through all of this, i have kept the same picture i always have on my desk, of me and her, a constant reminder of what transpired, what i forced upon myself. it became hidden for a time, and still remains so, but i cannot bring myself to remove it, or the book, as painful as these things are sometimes. i can't just throw away my past, though sometimes i feel as though it would make the future easier. but i can't bring myself to do it.

i don't know where i am really going with this, and i apologize for submitting to you the morose ramblings of a fool.
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