Red Tartan: Envy/Ed
Red Tartan
Envy/Ed
R for language, sexual situations
Humor! True blue humor! FMA movie spoilers, cross-dressing involved, slightly evil Envy, but only very slightly, more blackmailing than murderous. And, yes, sexual situations in tartan skirts. Crack.
For absolut_artemis, who made the cabash.
He was going to kill him.
He wasn’t sure how yet, but he was going to kill him, and it was going to be painful. And slow.
Short red and green tartan skirts swished through the dark polished university corridors, low heels clicking on the marble floors. As a rule, Edward avoided any and all secondary-school invasions into the university because of the disastrous results of the past. Even if it was an all-boys academy, he still found himself mobbed by scientific hopefuls, and he liked kids, he really did, but Alphonse had to rescue him the last time from strangling one pompous demanding little snit with his own blasted tie. No. That hadn’t been pleasant.
“Who’re you calling SHORT you scrawny excuse for--” Ed had been halfway over Alphonse’s shoulder as the taller man dragged/carried him away.
Even in this world, even in Munich, Alphonse was still saving his butt.
“They were laughing!”
“They were just impress--”
“Laughing the snot-nosed little bastards! I would’ve floored the punk if you hadn’t gotten in the way!”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
“Who did he think he was!” Ed continued to seethe while Alphonse continued to watch him carefully, ready to grab and drag if Edward moved too quickly. There was one thing to say about being the Elric junior’s assistant, and that was the job was never boring. And it wasn’t exactly like he minded carrying a squirming Edward out the building either…
No. That hadn’t been pleasant at all.
Being mobbed by an all-girl school was worse.
They giggled. They whispered and gossiped behind their hands right where he could still see them; what was the point of that? They kept staring at his long hair and asked him stupid questions when they weren’t giggling, stammering, interrupting each other or interrupting themselves. They tugged their hair and ears and toyed with their white blouse buttons that were under a lot more stress than they should’ve been. They goggled. And blushed.
Ed had his back pressed against the corridor wall, hemmed in by nervous giggly apparitions in green and red skirts that really should have been a good deal longer.
It wasn’t that he was uncomfortable around girls. He liked girls, and he learned to be just cautious as around them as he was with men. There was nothing soft or cute about being beaten silly with a wrench, robbed blind and naked, shot, flashed or stabbed to death.
“So do you--” a brunette started.
“-I mean, when you get bored and you have free time-” a blonde continued.
“-not that we mean you get bored doing a job as, as-” a short curly black-haired brunette picked up.
“-if you ever like to go to, you know, quaint little bookstores or coffee shops--” a redhead stammered.
“-important as yours, Frau Holle lectured us for hours about your work, we were really-”
“-maybe walks in the park or in the lake, or even-”
“-can’t wait to come here, you’re an inspiration to-”
Edward couldn’t see over the tops of their heads anymore. All the blood seemed to have gone to his head. They were pointing at his cheeks now and laughing behind their hands. He couldn’t breathe. He was being reminded-horribly, horribly reminded-of Psiren. He began to panic.
Where was Alphonse? What if they’d gotten him too? What if they took him with them? Edward began to seriously panic, and squeezed/shoved/elbowed his way out with as little touching as possible, breaking free of the herd and dashing along the corridor with as much dignity as possible before slamming into something soft.
Edward took a closer look; correction, some things that were soft. He leaped back, or would’ve, if the taller (and damn, either they were getting taller or he was getting shor-no! Don’t think it!) girl hadn’t grabbed his left arm tightly.
“Well! They told me you were forward, but not that--”
There was the horrible predictable entourage of giggles and scandalous theatre whispers behind him, the kind that the whole university could hear. Damn the fame! Damn it! Sometimes, it just didn’t pay to be an Elric and young and available, it really didn’t.
Edward flushed again and yanked his arm out, “Sorry I’ve really got to go I--”
The girl grabbed his jacket and yanked him closer as he began to stride away, making him stumble.
Cocky little--!
Edward’s outraged expression froze in place when the girl shoved her face in his, “Do you think I’m sexy? Seriously, look at my legs, my chest?” Her lashes fluttered and she winked. Ed blinked. “I already know my face is beautiful--”
Edward jerked back and pushed her hand off, boiling inside, wanting little more to shoot off. While it was one thing to go off on a visiting boy, he very much doubted the administration would be as lenient with a second event, especially with the way Ed had been pushing the envelope. Especially if it was a girl, even if she was a pervy little tart with--
“Do you have a girlfriend?” the girl asked a little louder, the rest of her tartan tribe ebbing closer.
“No,” Ed snarled, “and I don’t want one and you’re all under aged and even if you aren’t I still--!”
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
Edward blinked in confusion, and then froze.
Suddenly, it was a very, very good thing Alphonse wasn’t there. Very, very good.
“Of-of course not! That’s slander and I’m not--”
“Do you want one?”
The girl was standing closer to him again, her voice suspiciously lower, and Ed hadn’t hated having to crane his neck up to look at anyone this much since the last time he’d fought with Mustang. She even had Mustang’s smarmy little smirk, the same amused I-Know-More-Than-You-Do, even if she was blonde.
“Back off or you’re getting a black eye.”
True, not one of his most witty repartees, but it was simple and had the general thrust of Ed’s feelings at the time. He was not having fun. And the giggles had been replaced with a hot scandalized silence, which was somehow worse.
The girl broke out into a wide smile, delighted, “Love that temper. Meet me behind the greenhouse at four.”
“Go to hell.”
She laughed and waved at him before skipping off to rejoin the herd, “Already been there Fullmetal! Already been there.”
Somehow, everything that had just happened, as embarrassing as it had all been, became a lot more embarrassing. And humiliating.
The tall girl joined hands with one of the shorter brunettes as the herd began hurrying out and away from an incensed short Elric, putting her head down to gossip and giggle over…whatever the hell had happened. Whatever the hell she told them had happened, what Ed had said. The herd dissipated into the environment, with only a few blushing awed backward glances at him.
Oh, he was going to kill him. So very painfully. So very slowly.
It was bad enough having to put up with having a psychotic criminally insane mass murderer in the same city with him, bad enough having to put up with a semi-dead monster’s close proximity, the same monster that had killed him, had tried to kill his brother and had tried to kill Ed again and again, bad enough that Ed had to put up with the same monster’s mooching and breaking and entering his apartment whenever the bastard damn well felt like it, but he wasn’t putting up with at his own work!
Alphonse only coughed uncomfortably and readjusted his jacket when Ed found him. “So. I see they found you too. Well.”
Edward seethed. Alphonse fussed with his clothing, hiding a grimace and blushing. “I think we should hide somewhere restricted. Shall we?”
“Yes.”
Around 3: 45, Edward excused himself, and stalked off. He was going to kill him.
“Oh puh-leaze,” Envy stretched himself across one of the empty crates, the red and green skirt hitching higher on his pale thighs, “I don’t need alchemy for everything. You didn’t even recognize me until I gave the game away.”
“That wasn’t a fucking game Envy! How the fuck did you get them to play along! They knew you--”
“I bribed one of them to say I was her older sister,” Envy drawled lazily, examining his fingernails. He’d let Ed explode first and rant before even trying to explaining, toying with the white buttons on his blouse.
“It wasn’t hard. And I told you,” he said when Ed’s mouth began to snap open again, “I get bored in your grungy little apartment. It’s big enough for you, but I need space. There’s no one to talk to.”
“So get the fuck over it! Hell, I don’t care, go talk to your drugged out friends or thieves, but do not bother me here! I need this research and money and so do you. My cover can’t be blown,” Ed stopped for breath, yanking a hand irritably through his bangs. “So get over it. However you get over it, just don’t kill anyone, don’t burn anything down, and don’t try to kill me either. Fuck. Damn it…what if someone finds out? What if they connect you to me?”
“You’re just pissed because you thought I was cute,” Envy pouted and swung one leg sulkily, the skirt rising up even higher with the movements.
Edward inhaled deeply and rubbed his hands over his face, counting down from ten. He could handle this. He could handle one stupid human-now post-homunculus spoiled brat. He could.
He’d be able to handle it a lot better, of course, if Envy wasn’t right.
He still couldn’t get over how…how well Envy had blended in. Ed had seen men cross-dress before, and it never seemed to really work. There was thick curly leg hair sprawling all over the place, sharp awkward angles even the fluffiest of dresses couldn’t hide, there was toned muscle in places where women usually weren’t toned, the chest flatness, the Adam’s apple and deep voice and facial hair and facial features and…everything! It was a mess! It never ever worked unless you were really drunk!
At least, it never worked on Ed. Before.
He was used to finding Envy dressed messily his hair lank, loose, and uncombed because Envy was usually in a pissy depressed mood; becoming human had that effect on him. Losing his immortality, his ability to change forms as easily as talking, had had that effect on him. The last time Ed had seen Envy ‘cleaned up’ and proper, it’d been because the semi-dead human was going to rob a bank, and while Envy hadn’t died or been jailed in the process, Ed had never figured out what happened to the money.
Envy even had the skin right; light-colored but not pale, smooth if not shaven (were his legs shaved? Did Ed trust himself enough to look? Was Envy mad enough to shave his legs? Probably), his hips and calves curving sweetly in all the right places and how was that even possible? It wasn’t! But it was happening! Ed wasn’t quite prepared enough to wonder what was going on under Envy’s blouse, really didn’t want to know what was going on under there, but…the face, at least, should’ve tipped him off. It was Envy’s face. It was long and lean and expressive, and it shouldn’t have fitted so well with a female-apparently female body, but it had. It had, and it had even been…a little attractive. Sort’ve. In a smirky smarmy mischievous kind of way. And all Envy had really done to it, as far as Ed could tell, was add some lipstick and pull his hair up and out of his face and trim his bangs.
Ed sighed deeply and removed his hands, “Ok, this is what we’re going to do--”
“You did think I was cute,” Envy sounded surprised, then nastily delighted. “You pervert!”
“I’m not the sick bastard dressed up in girl’s clothes!” Ed shouted.
Envy laughed-at least it was a real laugh, and not that horrible worrying giggle-and leaned forward on the crate, legs open, “No, you’re the one getting off of it.”
Envy made a show of licking his lower lip, grin stretching wider when Ed rolled his eyes and rubbed his neck, cursing and muttering under his breath. “Want to molest me?” Envy purred.
Every word came out clipped, like a gunshot, while Ed ground his teeth together, “Fuck yourself, Envy. And get out of here. You came to me because you wanted my help--”
“What the hell were you talking about? All your stupid ‘research’” Envy bent his fingers in quotations, his voice sounding a lot more like him now that he was pissed, “was going fucking nowhere without my help.”
Did he want to be drawn into another argument about who was helping whom more? Did he want to be drawn into another argument period with Envy? No. No, not really, never mind that all their conversations eventually degraded into arguments after the first two or three sentences.
“Look. Just. Go. Now before I break your jaw.”
Envy raised an eyebrow high, then slid off the crate with a curt, “Fine,” the skirt sliding dangerously high until Edward looked away, pink and annoyed. “But I want a kiss first.”
“No.”
“Yes,” Envy stepped closer, and why hadn’t the height tipped him off? Ed had gotten used to people being unnaturally taller than him, even young girls, but Envy was tall even for them! Why hadn’t the mouth, the one that was always screaming at him when it wasn’t swearing? The damn voice! The eyes, at least, should’ve tipped him off but they--
Ed yelped (not squeaked never squeaked no sir! No squeaking from him, no not at all!) and slapped Envy’s hand away from his cheek and darted back, away from the lipstick and full lips that had been way too close to him, way, way too close, pink again across his nose and cheeks, his stomach tight and clinging to his spine.
“Che,” Envy sniffed, voice lower and dark and thankfully a lot more masculine “be glad I’m not telling you to fuck me in a skirt. Now kiss.”
“Hell no you sick fuck--”
“Do it or I’m molesting your little German boyfriend.”
“You wouldn’t dare.” But then, what wouldn’t Envy dare? “I’ll kill you.”
Envy blinked his eyes innocently, “So he is your boyfriend. You had me wondering with you virgin-act.”
Edward’s hands fisted almost by themselves, came up, and it was with a good deal of self-control that he forced them back down. No. He couldn’t let Envy get the best of him; not Envy, certainly not a human Envy that mooched off his couch and fridge, absolutely not. The weaker whiny version of Envy that couldn’t afford to have him dead. No. Wouldn’t do, not at all.
Even if he really, really wanted to break all his teeth. Hah; what would Envy’s famous smirk look like then, when he didn’t have any teeth? Ed bit back the grin; too tempting, far too tempting, just like watching the green and red tartan dance and slip over Envy’s thighs--
“Out,” Ed’s finger jabbed towards the exit. “Now.”
“Give me a kiss,” Envy rocked back and forth on his heels, “and I won’t do this again. Ever.”
“You’re a liar.”
“Yes, but only about important things. Give me a kiss.”
“NO!”
“I can make your life worse, you know. Without ever crossing the line or getting caught,” Envy smiled and folded his hands behind his back, pushing his chest (breasts? There was no way in hell those were real) out against the loosened blouse. Ed ignored the gesture magnificently; they weren’t even real, that was just gross.
“C’mon, I’m not asking for anything big. And it’ll be the last time I’ll bother your precious sanctum in a skirt. Unless…you want me to come more often like this. I could do that,” Edward would’ve paid good money to have that smile ripped forever off Envy’s face. He felt like screaming again. “If you wanted me to. Have you ever been called teacher during sex?”
Ed didn’t say a word, but then he didn’t have to; Envy looked his face over before sighing with rolled eyes and slumping his shoulders. “C’mon. One little kiss. Then I go and don’t come back. And…I’ll never mention it again, all right?” Envy shrugged. “No one’s here anyway. One kiss?”
Ed clenched his hands, and kept them down. He could do this. He could do this. He bit the inside of his cheek. Somehow, he wasn’t surprised: Envy was all sorts of perverted sadism, he really was. The best thing would just to get rid of him now, when Ed’s hands were tied, then murder him when they weren’t.
“Fine.”
He yanked Envy down by his shoulder-he wasn’t going to stretch up that far, not for that bastard-and brushed his mouth quickly over Envy’s cheek. Then he stepped back and scrubbed his mouth hard with the back of his sleeve before spitting on the ground.
He wasn’t blushing. His lips weren’t tingling. He was not having difficulty meeting Envy’s eyes.
“Now get out,” Ed stared at Envy’s right shoulder, his face a little warmer than usual. “And don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out either.”
Envy was silent.
Then hands grabbed his arms and pushed him against the greenhouse wall and a body pressed against his, warm and hard and strangely squishy in places. His mouth was a hot crazy place, his lips were bitten and licked, all the blood rushed up to his face except for the blood that rushed down his belly and shot into his groin, Envy’s thigh shoving his legs further apart and rubbing his hips into Ed’s. Something dark and deliciously drunk slid down Ed’s stricken and stunned brain, and he moaned, Envy’s tongue devilishly clever and seductive against his, tickling his palette.
When Envy let go and dashed off, Ed could have killed him. He almost did, if Envy hadn’t shouted, “Schatzi! Where’ve you been?” and rejoined elements of the female green and red tartan herd.
He was going to kill him.
He wasn’t sure how yet, but he was going to kill him, and it was going to be painful. And slow.
And no, he was not having problems walking. The world was just wobbling a bit more than usual, was all.
***
A/N: Er. This is…sort’ve part of a larger piece. Sort’ve. Um. Only the rest of it’s not out and I’m not sure if I’ll fit this into the larger story even it follows the same plot/timeline so…yeah. Fun anyway!
For all those who hate writing summaries…why isn’t there a beta-reader job out there who MAKES the summaries for you? Why? That would be so much nicer…
I’m not sure what the dresscode was for private all-girls schools during post WWI pre WWII Munich, but I had fun with my version anyway.
Crack inspired by THIS pic.
Envy/Ed
R for language, sexual situations
Humor! True blue humor! FMA movie spoilers, cross-dressing involved, slightly evil Envy, but only very slightly, more blackmailing than murderous. And, yes, sexual situations in tartan skirts. Crack.
For absolut_artemis, who made the cabash.
He was going to kill him.
He wasn’t sure how yet, but he was going to kill him, and it was going to be painful. And slow.
Short red and green tartan skirts swished through the dark polished university corridors, low heels clicking on the marble floors. As a rule, Edward avoided any and all secondary-school invasions into the university because of the disastrous results of the past. Even if it was an all-boys academy, he still found himself mobbed by scientific hopefuls, and he liked kids, he really did, but Alphonse had to rescue him the last time from strangling one pompous demanding little snit with his own blasted tie. No. That hadn’t been pleasant.
“Who’re you calling SHORT you scrawny excuse for--” Ed had been halfway over Alphonse’s shoulder as the taller man dragged/carried him away.
Even in this world, even in Munich, Alphonse was still saving his butt.
“They were laughing!”
“They were just impress--”
“Laughing the snot-nosed little bastards! I would’ve floored the punk if you hadn’t gotten in the way!”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
“Who did he think he was!” Ed continued to seethe while Alphonse continued to watch him carefully, ready to grab and drag if Edward moved too quickly. There was one thing to say about being the Elric junior’s assistant, and that was the job was never boring. And it wasn’t exactly like he minded carrying a squirming Edward out the building either…
No. That hadn’t been pleasant at all.
Being mobbed by an all-girl school was worse.
They giggled. They whispered and gossiped behind their hands right where he could still see them; what was the point of that? They kept staring at his long hair and asked him stupid questions when they weren’t giggling, stammering, interrupting each other or interrupting themselves. They tugged their hair and ears and toyed with their white blouse buttons that were under a lot more stress than they should’ve been. They goggled. And blushed.
Ed had his back pressed against the corridor wall, hemmed in by nervous giggly apparitions in green and red skirts that really should have been a good deal longer.
It wasn’t that he was uncomfortable around girls. He liked girls, and he learned to be just cautious as around them as he was with men. There was nothing soft or cute about being beaten silly with a wrench, robbed blind and naked, shot, flashed or stabbed to death.
“So do you--” a brunette started.
“-I mean, when you get bored and you have free time-” a blonde continued.
“-not that we mean you get bored doing a job as, as-” a short curly black-haired brunette picked up.
“-if you ever like to go to, you know, quaint little bookstores or coffee shops--” a redhead stammered.
“-important as yours, Frau Holle lectured us for hours about your work, we were really-”
“-maybe walks in the park or in the lake, or even-”
“-can’t wait to come here, you’re an inspiration to-”
Edward couldn’t see over the tops of their heads anymore. All the blood seemed to have gone to his head. They were pointing at his cheeks now and laughing behind their hands. He couldn’t breathe. He was being reminded-horribly, horribly reminded-of Psiren. He began to panic.
Where was Alphonse? What if they’d gotten him too? What if they took him with them? Edward began to seriously panic, and squeezed/shoved/elbowed his way out with as little touching as possible, breaking free of the herd and dashing along the corridor with as much dignity as possible before slamming into something soft.
Edward took a closer look; correction, some things that were soft. He leaped back, or would’ve, if the taller (and damn, either they were getting taller or he was getting shor-no! Don’t think it!) girl hadn’t grabbed his left arm tightly.
“Well! They told me you were forward, but not that--”
There was the horrible predictable entourage of giggles and scandalous theatre whispers behind him, the kind that the whole university could hear. Damn the fame! Damn it! Sometimes, it just didn’t pay to be an Elric and young and available, it really didn’t.
Edward flushed again and yanked his arm out, “Sorry I’ve really got to go I--”
The girl grabbed his jacket and yanked him closer as he began to stride away, making him stumble.
Cocky little--!
Edward’s outraged expression froze in place when the girl shoved her face in his, “Do you think I’m sexy? Seriously, look at my legs, my chest?” Her lashes fluttered and she winked. Ed blinked. “I already know my face is beautiful--”
Edward jerked back and pushed her hand off, boiling inside, wanting little more to shoot off. While it was one thing to go off on a visiting boy, he very much doubted the administration would be as lenient with a second event, especially with the way Ed had been pushing the envelope. Especially if it was a girl, even if she was a pervy little tart with--
“Do you have a girlfriend?” the girl asked a little louder, the rest of her tartan tribe ebbing closer.
“No,” Ed snarled, “and I don’t want one and you’re all under aged and even if you aren’t I still--!”
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
Edward blinked in confusion, and then froze.
Suddenly, it was a very, very good thing Alphonse wasn’t there. Very, very good.
“Of-of course not! That’s slander and I’m not--”
“Do you want one?”
The girl was standing closer to him again, her voice suspiciously lower, and Ed hadn’t hated having to crane his neck up to look at anyone this much since the last time he’d fought with Mustang. She even had Mustang’s smarmy little smirk, the same amused I-Know-More-Than-You-Do, even if she was blonde.
“Back off or you’re getting a black eye.”
True, not one of his most witty repartees, but it was simple and had the general thrust of Ed’s feelings at the time. He was not having fun. And the giggles had been replaced with a hot scandalized silence, which was somehow worse.
The girl broke out into a wide smile, delighted, “Love that temper. Meet me behind the greenhouse at four.”
“Go to hell.”
She laughed and waved at him before skipping off to rejoin the herd, “Already been there Fullmetal! Already been there.”
Somehow, everything that had just happened, as embarrassing as it had all been, became a lot more embarrassing. And humiliating.
The tall girl joined hands with one of the shorter brunettes as the herd began hurrying out and away from an incensed short Elric, putting her head down to gossip and giggle over…whatever the hell had happened. Whatever the hell she told them had happened, what Ed had said. The herd dissipated into the environment, with only a few blushing awed backward glances at him.
Oh, he was going to kill him. So very painfully. So very slowly.
It was bad enough having to put up with having a psychotic criminally insane mass murderer in the same city with him, bad enough having to put up with a semi-dead monster’s close proximity, the same monster that had killed him, had tried to kill his brother and had tried to kill Ed again and again, bad enough that Ed had to put up with the same monster’s mooching and breaking and entering his apartment whenever the bastard damn well felt like it, but he wasn’t putting up with at his own work!
Alphonse only coughed uncomfortably and readjusted his jacket when Ed found him. “So. I see they found you too. Well.”
Edward seethed. Alphonse fussed with his clothing, hiding a grimace and blushing. “I think we should hide somewhere restricted. Shall we?”
“Yes.”
Around 3: 45, Edward excused himself, and stalked off. He was going to kill him.
“Oh puh-leaze,” Envy stretched himself across one of the empty crates, the red and green skirt hitching higher on his pale thighs, “I don’t need alchemy for everything. You didn’t even recognize me until I gave the game away.”
“That wasn’t a fucking game Envy! How the fuck did you get them to play along! They knew you--”
“I bribed one of them to say I was her older sister,” Envy drawled lazily, examining his fingernails. He’d let Ed explode first and rant before even trying to explaining, toying with the white buttons on his blouse.
“It wasn’t hard. And I told you,” he said when Ed’s mouth began to snap open again, “I get bored in your grungy little apartment. It’s big enough for you, but I need space. There’s no one to talk to.”
“So get the fuck over it! Hell, I don’t care, go talk to your drugged out friends or thieves, but do not bother me here! I need this research and money and so do you. My cover can’t be blown,” Ed stopped for breath, yanking a hand irritably through his bangs. “So get over it. However you get over it, just don’t kill anyone, don’t burn anything down, and don’t try to kill me either. Fuck. Damn it…what if someone finds out? What if they connect you to me?”
“You’re just pissed because you thought I was cute,” Envy pouted and swung one leg sulkily, the skirt rising up even higher with the movements.
Edward inhaled deeply and rubbed his hands over his face, counting down from ten. He could handle this. He could handle one stupid human-now post-homunculus spoiled brat. He could.
He’d be able to handle it a lot better, of course, if Envy wasn’t right.
He still couldn’t get over how…how well Envy had blended in. Ed had seen men cross-dress before, and it never seemed to really work. There was thick curly leg hair sprawling all over the place, sharp awkward angles even the fluffiest of dresses couldn’t hide, there was toned muscle in places where women usually weren’t toned, the chest flatness, the Adam’s apple and deep voice and facial hair and facial features and…everything! It was a mess! It never ever worked unless you were really drunk!
At least, it never worked on Ed. Before.
He was used to finding Envy dressed messily his hair lank, loose, and uncombed because Envy was usually in a pissy depressed mood; becoming human had that effect on him. Losing his immortality, his ability to change forms as easily as talking, had had that effect on him. The last time Ed had seen Envy ‘cleaned up’ and proper, it’d been because the semi-dead human was going to rob a bank, and while Envy hadn’t died or been jailed in the process, Ed had never figured out what happened to the money.
Envy even had the skin right; light-colored but not pale, smooth if not shaven (were his legs shaved? Did Ed trust himself enough to look? Was Envy mad enough to shave his legs? Probably), his hips and calves curving sweetly in all the right places and how was that even possible? It wasn’t! But it was happening! Ed wasn’t quite prepared enough to wonder what was going on under Envy’s blouse, really didn’t want to know what was going on under there, but…the face, at least, should’ve tipped him off. It was Envy’s face. It was long and lean and expressive, and it shouldn’t have fitted so well with a female-apparently female body, but it had. It had, and it had even been…a little attractive. Sort’ve. In a smirky smarmy mischievous kind of way. And all Envy had really done to it, as far as Ed could tell, was add some lipstick and pull his hair up and out of his face and trim his bangs.
Ed sighed deeply and removed his hands, “Ok, this is what we’re going to do--”
“You did think I was cute,” Envy sounded surprised, then nastily delighted. “You pervert!”
“I’m not the sick bastard dressed up in girl’s clothes!” Ed shouted.
Envy laughed-at least it was a real laugh, and not that horrible worrying giggle-and leaned forward on the crate, legs open, “No, you’re the one getting off of it.”
Envy made a show of licking his lower lip, grin stretching wider when Ed rolled his eyes and rubbed his neck, cursing and muttering under his breath. “Want to molest me?” Envy purred.
Every word came out clipped, like a gunshot, while Ed ground his teeth together, “Fuck yourself, Envy. And get out of here. You came to me because you wanted my help--”
“What the hell were you talking about? All your stupid ‘research’” Envy bent his fingers in quotations, his voice sounding a lot more like him now that he was pissed, “was going fucking nowhere without my help.”
Did he want to be drawn into another argument about who was helping whom more? Did he want to be drawn into another argument period with Envy? No. No, not really, never mind that all their conversations eventually degraded into arguments after the first two or three sentences.
“Look. Just. Go. Now before I break your jaw.”
Envy raised an eyebrow high, then slid off the crate with a curt, “Fine,” the skirt sliding dangerously high until Edward looked away, pink and annoyed. “But I want a kiss first.”
“No.”
“Yes,” Envy stepped closer, and why hadn’t the height tipped him off? Ed had gotten used to people being unnaturally taller than him, even young girls, but Envy was tall even for them! Why hadn’t the mouth, the one that was always screaming at him when it wasn’t swearing? The damn voice! The eyes, at least, should’ve tipped him off but they--
Ed yelped (not squeaked never squeaked no sir! No squeaking from him, no not at all!) and slapped Envy’s hand away from his cheek and darted back, away from the lipstick and full lips that had been way too close to him, way, way too close, pink again across his nose and cheeks, his stomach tight and clinging to his spine.
“Che,” Envy sniffed, voice lower and dark and thankfully a lot more masculine “be glad I’m not telling you to fuck me in a skirt. Now kiss.”
“Hell no you sick fuck--”
“Do it or I’m molesting your little German boyfriend.”
“You wouldn’t dare.” But then, what wouldn’t Envy dare? “I’ll kill you.”
Envy blinked his eyes innocently, “So he is your boyfriend. You had me wondering with you virgin-act.”
Edward’s hands fisted almost by themselves, came up, and it was with a good deal of self-control that he forced them back down. No. He couldn’t let Envy get the best of him; not Envy, certainly not a human Envy that mooched off his couch and fridge, absolutely not. The weaker whiny version of Envy that couldn’t afford to have him dead. No. Wouldn’t do, not at all.
Even if he really, really wanted to break all his teeth. Hah; what would Envy’s famous smirk look like then, when he didn’t have any teeth? Ed bit back the grin; too tempting, far too tempting, just like watching the green and red tartan dance and slip over Envy’s thighs--
“Out,” Ed’s finger jabbed towards the exit. “Now.”
“Give me a kiss,” Envy rocked back and forth on his heels, “and I won’t do this again. Ever.”
“You’re a liar.”
“Yes, but only about important things. Give me a kiss.”
“NO!”
“I can make your life worse, you know. Without ever crossing the line or getting caught,” Envy smiled and folded his hands behind his back, pushing his chest (breasts? There was no way in hell those were real) out against the loosened blouse. Ed ignored the gesture magnificently; they weren’t even real, that was just gross.
“C’mon, I’m not asking for anything big. And it’ll be the last time I’ll bother your precious sanctum in a skirt. Unless…you want me to come more often like this. I could do that,” Edward would’ve paid good money to have that smile ripped forever off Envy’s face. He felt like screaming again. “If you wanted me to. Have you ever been called teacher during sex?”
Ed didn’t say a word, but then he didn’t have to; Envy looked his face over before sighing with rolled eyes and slumping his shoulders. “C’mon. One little kiss. Then I go and don’t come back. And…I’ll never mention it again, all right?” Envy shrugged. “No one’s here anyway. One kiss?”
Ed clenched his hands, and kept them down. He could do this. He could do this. He bit the inside of his cheek. Somehow, he wasn’t surprised: Envy was all sorts of perverted sadism, he really was. The best thing would just to get rid of him now, when Ed’s hands were tied, then murder him when they weren’t.
“Fine.”
He yanked Envy down by his shoulder-he wasn’t going to stretch up that far, not for that bastard-and brushed his mouth quickly over Envy’s cheek. Then he stepped back and scrubbed his mouth hard with the back of his sleeve before spitting on the ground.
He wasn’t blushing. His lips weren’t tingling. He was not having difficulty meeting Envy’s eyes.
“Now get out,” Ed stared at Envy’s right shoulder, his face a little warmer than usual. “And don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out either.”
Envy was silent.
Then hands grabbed his arms and pushed him against the greenhouse wall and a body pressed against his, warm and hard and strangely squishy in places. His mouth was a hot crazy place, his lips were bitten and licked, all the blood rushed up to his face except for the blood that rushed down his belly and shot into his groin, Envy’s thigh shoving his legs further apart and rubbing his hips into Ed’s. Something dark and deliciously drunk slid down Ed’s stricken and stunned brain, and he moaned, Envy’s tongue devilishly clever and seductive against his, tickling his palette.
When Envy let go and dashed off, Ed could have killed him. He almost did, if Envy hadn’t shouted, “Schatzi! Where’ve you been?” and rejoined elements of the female green and red tartan herd.
He was going to kill him.
He wasn’t sure how yet, but he was going to kill him, and it was going to be painful. And slow.
And no, he was not having problems walking. The world was just wobbling a bit more than usual, was all.
***
A/N: Er. This is…sort’ve part of a larger piece. Sort’ve. Um. Only the rest of it’s not out and I’m not sure if I’ll fit this into the larger story even it follows the same plot/timeline so…yeah. Fun anyway!
For all those who hate writing summaries…why isn’t there a beta-reader job out there who MAKES the summaries for you? Why? That would be so much nicer…
I’m not sure what the dresscode was for private all-girls schools during post WWI pre WWII Munich, but I had fun with my version anyway.
Crack inspired by THIS pic.