FanFic100: #083 And
“Ich kenn' dich in- und auswendig, scheint mir,
und all' meine Erinn'rungen verweben sich ganz mit deinem Namen und mit dir.
Sie sagen, du tust gut,
ich glaube eher, du rührst mich, wühlst mich auf, wenn ich dich seh',
du triffst mich tiefer, du gehst mir viel näher, du tust mir weh!”
Reinhard Mey, “Berlin tut weh”
She knows she shouldn’t do this. It’s over and done, and there’s nothing else she can do… or should do. It’s already been over half a year back, and she should have stuck to her resolution not to think about it anymore. She had done so well on that, the last six months. Right in the moment his door closed behind her, she had shut off her heart against anything that had to do with him. She could ignore her feelings when he passed her in the hallways of the SGC or when he gave her team a briefing. She was over him, already in the moment she left his place forever.
Well, at least that was what she told herself for six months… until this assignment. No retrieval op, no rescue mission, no first contact mission. In fact, a diplomatic mission. And not even to another planet, just another country. She wasn’t even scheduled for this, but Captain Hawkins had caught some extraterrestrial virus, and someone up the chain of command thought it was a good idea to send her along the diplomatic delegation to Berlin as his replacement. It’s a top-secret conference on the European participation in the Stargate-program, and they told her that it would do her career good if she could prove herself on less bullet-heavy stages as well.
Up until the moment she saw who else was part of the accompanying military contingent, she even looked forward to going to Berlin. She’d never been to Germany, but the German soldiers, scientists and technicians she got to know in Atlantis assured her that it’s a country worth visiting. Unfortunately the list of participants had totally spoiled her anticipation. Major Evan Lorne it had said under the tag “Advisor USAF”, and she had felt such a lurch in her stomach that she was almost sick.
A week in his vicinity, with almost no opportunity to get away from him… that had just been almost too much. But she just bucked up, packed a bag, went along the rest of the delegation. And right from the start… she felt watched. By him. She tried to catch him, but every time she threw him a look, he would be occupied with talking or writing or listening. All until… they were offered a tour through Berlin. The hosting German Department of Defense had given them two guides and because the city interested her she had opted to come along. As had he.
During the tour one of the guides - a Hauptmann going by the name of Christian Dühring - had started to take a particular interest in her and she had found herself returning his flirting almost naturally, because he was very easy to be with, spoke excellent English and made her feel… special. At first she hadn’t really seen it, but when they stood on the roof of the Reichstag and Dühring took her aside to show her the hospital where he had been born - he called it the Charité - suddenly Evan stood beside her and the look he threw the Hauptmann was practically the essence of dark. The only reason he didn’t tell Dühring to back off even though he was junior in rank to Evan was probably that the German officer represented their host country.
Dühring, on the other hand, had simply refused to acknowledge the antipathy radiating off the US-American officer. The whole thing lasted about five minutes, and when Evan simply wouldn’t go away and answered the German’s remarks and questions with curt, polite answers, she’d excused herself because she just couldn’t take any more of this.
Hadn’t he been the one to call it quits? Hadn’t he been the one to tell her he simply didn’t feel anything for her anymore? It simply didn’t make any sense for him to act like there had never been anything between the two of them for six months and then suddenly turn jealous at the first guy who saw more in her than just a fellow soldier.
After that, Dühring had offered her to show her a little more of the city than just the official sights, and she had taken him up on the offer, just to get away from Evan and the inexplicable dark looks.
He showed her glittering façades at Potsdamer Platz and rotten backyards in Mitte, looking like 80 years had passed without them changing a bit. He also showed her the spot where Stauffenberg had been murdered after the misfired attempt on Hitler’s life during WWII, the ruins of the GDR prestige building Palast der Republik and even a part of the infamous Marzahn-Hellersdorf borough, said to be home only to German-Russian immigrants and neo-Nazis. She saw a city where even after decades wounds from civil war, occupation and separation can be seen still and where people are proud to say that no blow was hard enough for the city to succumb to oppression and destruction.
Dühring also gave her lots of attention during the long conference hours where he functioned as a kind of jack of all trades for the US delegation. And every time he did, she could feel Evan’s eyes burn on her back. After three days he didn’t even hide the looks anymore, and she wondered why the hell he didn’t just come over and talk to her. She sure as hell wouldn’t do it, because she still had some pride left. No, he was the one to break it all up and he had to be the one to try and fix it.
Or at least that’s what she thought until she realized that this would be the last evening before flying back to the US and that flying back to the US would also mean separate teams, separate schedules… At the start of this week, she thought she wanted to go back to that, to spare herself the hassle of having to see him again all too often, but while packing her stuff and mentally going through the week… she realized she doesn’t want separate schedules. She realized she wants him back, or at least that she wants to know what was behind all the dark looks and the attempts of scaring Dühring off.
There’s also something visiting this city has taught her: Separation and grudges don’t have to be forever. But it takes a lot to fight and overcome them… and most of all someone who starts the fight. No one ever gave this city anything for free and it always had to struggle for what it needed, and if this city could do it, she can do it as well.
So now she’s standing in front of his hotel room, and she knows she shouldn’t do this. But if people always had done what they should do… Berlin, for example, would never be what it is today. Taking a deep breath she finally brings herself to raise her hand and knock at his door. At first nothing happens and she’s ready to turn tail and never come back, but then the door opens. It reveals a Major in slacks and t-shirt, looking like he just got ready for bed, with his hair still wet from the shower and his feet bare.
Initially she had wanted to appear cool, tell him they needed to talk about his strange behavior and give him a piece of her mind about not having the right to do all of this, but when she sees him… her mind goes blank for a moment. Everything she wanted to say is suddenly replaced with just one sentence, because that’s the only important thing anyway. “I… miss you.”
For a moment, he just looks at her, his face closed off and inscrutable, and she’s positive that he’ll simply close the door and never even look at her again, but then… the mask slips and pain mingled with relief shows through. Without a word he steps aside to let her into his hotel room and hopefully into his life again.
~*~
“I know you inside out, it seems
And all my memories are interwoven with your name and you.
They say you do them good
I rather think you move me, disturb me when I see you
You strike me deeper, you affect me more, you pain me!”
Reinhard Mey, “Berlin hurts”
~*~
TBC in One Without a Permanent Scar.