Wonderful World of Academia: And that's a wrap.
Yesterday, I had my thesis defense. It went okay (grade was 1,7 which is still really good in relation) but I could have done better. I mean, I know I could have done better because I had the best ideas for two questions they asked after the defense was over *head desk
I also got the second expertise and was really worried about it because the second referee was playing hard to get about it and only gave it to me at the end because I asked for it. I didn't actually read it (because he kept saying that the thesis really wasn't his cup of tea, after all and that he thought it was way too sociological for his taste (he's a cultural studies scholar) and yeah) and went straight for the grade... which was another 1,0 O_o I probably should read that expertise, after all...
Anyway, the thing I actually wanted to write about: during the defense, my advisor dropped mutiple hints that he found my topic "really interesting" and that he would welcome it if I decided to "make more of it" (read: to turn it into a PhD thesis) and yes, of course, he'd totally understand it if I'd ultimately decide against it because of the current professional framework in which social scientists have to work today (you know, precarious living conditions, practically no available PhD positions, being dependent on scholarships...) but really, if I decided to go for a PhD...
So, anyone remember how I said that getting a PhD was decidely not on my bucket list? Yeah. Considering everything, it would be a really stupid idea to even think about it. There are practically no suitable PhD positions (as military sociology is not something many German universities are fond off, and the couple non-university alligned research institutes that do are all under Department of Defense jurisdiction. Which in itself is not a problem for me but there are a couple let's say pecularities about research there that really put me off. Plus they only have less than a handful available PhD positions, either), I absolutely do not want to do this on a scholarship (scholarships don't count towards pension points or social security and I'd have to keep paying for my health insurance and if I'd had to step off the PhD for longer because of health reasons, I'd lose the scholarship) and doing a PhD on the side, additionally to a day job almost never gets results that are anything close to satisfactory or even good. So, stupid idea.
And yet. Despite all the trouble I had with the thesis and the doubts I had about it, I kinda... had fun writing it? And researching it, you know, the high you get when you have that "That's how it works!" moment or that "OMG, yes, that could work!" moment. I actually like doing that. I like burying myself in research literature and mentally arguing with authors and turning over arguments, examining them from head to toe and dissecting them. Intellectual struggle exhausts and frustrates me but it also kinda... makes me happy? And I realized that now that it's over I don't only miss my student pass for public transit (Semesterticket is the best invention ever, trust me on this. And I really fucking miss mine), I actually miss the intellectual challenge and struggle of academic life, after less than two weeks of officially not being a student anymore :S
So what the hell am I gonna do? It's stupid but despite everything speaking against it, the thought of doing a PhD suddenly has a lot more allure than it had when I thought last about it (I kept mulling this over over the course of the four years I was stuck in my Master's program and there were a few times when I really, really liked the thought of it but kept pushing it away for the aforementioned reasons). After almost messing up that research project on World War I, I'd lost most of my confidence in my academic skills but the thesis and the way my advisor kept saying that he really like the topic and the work... yeah.
Right now, the only thing I could come up with is that I'll give myself time to come to a decision until the end of the year and that's what I'll tell my advisor. Other than that... I'm drawing a blank :S Any ideas, suggestions, advice? Anyone?
I also got the second expertise and was really worried about it because the second referee was playing hard to get about it and only gave it to me at the end because I asked for it. I didn't actually read it (because he kept saying that the thesis really wasn't his cup of tea, after all and that he thought it was way too sociological for his taste (he's a cultural studies scholar) and yeah) and went straight for the grade... which was another 1,0 O_o I probably should read that expertise, after all...
Anyway, the thing I actually wanted to write about: during the defense, my advisor dropped mutiple hints that he found my topic "really interesting" and that he would welcome it if I decided to "make more of it" (read: to turn it into a PhD thesis) and yes, of course, he'd totally understand it if I'd ultimately decide against it because of the current professional framework in which social scientists have to work today (you know, precarious living conditions, practically no available PhD positions, being dependent on scholarships...) but really, if I decided to go for a PhD...
So, anyone remember how I said that getting a PhD was decidely not on my bucket list? Yeah. Considering everything, it would be a really stupid idea to even think about it. There are practically no suitable PhD positions (as military sociology is not something many German universities are fond off, and the couple non-university alligned research institutes that do are all under Department of Defense jurisdiction. Which in itself is not a problem for me but there are a couple let's say pecularities about research there that really put me off. Plus they only have less than a handful available PhD positions, either), I absolutely do not want to do this on a scholarship (scholarships don't count towards pension points or social security and I'd have to keep paying for my health insurance and if I'd had to step off the PhD for longer because of health reasons, I'd lose the scholarship) and doing a PhD on the side, additionally to a day job almost never gets results that are anything close to satisfactory or even good. So, stupid idea.
And yet. Despite all the trouble I had with the thesis and the doubts I had about it, I kinda... had fun writing it? And researching it, you know, the high you get when you have that "That's how it works!" moment or that "OMG, yes, that could work!" moment. I actually like doing that. I like burying myself in research literature and mentally arguing with authors and turning over arguments, examining them from head to toe and dissecting them. Intellectual struggle exhausts and frustrates me but it also kinda... makes me happy? And I realized that now that it's over I don't only miss my student pass for public transit (Semesterticket is the best invention ever, trust me on this. And I really fucking miss mine), I actually miss the intellectual challenge and struggle of academic life, after less than two weeks of officially not being a student anymore :S
So what the hell am I gonna do? It's stupid but despite everything speaking against it, the thought of doing a PhD suddenly has a lot more allure than it had when I thought last about it (I kept mulling this over over the course of the four years I was stuck in my Master's program and there were a few times when I really, really liked the thought of it but kept pushing it away for the aforementioned reasons). After almost messing up that research project on World War I, I'd lost most of my confidence in my academic skills but the thesis and the way my advisor kept saying that he really like the topic and the work... yeah.
Right now, the only thing I could come up with is that I'll give myself time to come to a decision until the end of the year and that's what I'll tell my advisor. Other than that... I'm drawing a blank :S Any ideas, suggestions, advice? Anyone?