Harbl.

[gelasia_kitty]

I know I'm not the most mature person. I know I have a hard time maintaining anything. Relationships. Jobs. Life. I freak out, start getting sick. I've never, EVER been able to maintain anything ever. Not even hobbies and things I like. Not in the 20 years I've been alive

Comments

[firinn]

You are not the only one who has dealt with pain, be it emotional, mental, or physical. There are people out there--Many people--who have dealt with far worse. Consider the following:

1) Jason has had his child die. Moreover, he was unable to attend the funeral for her. This is something that will live with him until the day he dies.
2) Ben was run over by a lawnmower, I think it was. His leg is fucked up for life.
3) Aleah has had far extreme cases of low self-esteem and emotional mood swings that would make the Richter scale tip at times. She's had to abort a child, and more emotional wrecks than the entire group combined, I think.

That's three examples. For my part, my father beat the everloving shit out of me when I was young. I was in a forcedly submissive state, disallowed from going out and doing anything with anyone for a good portion of the time. The first person I was ever really, truly in love with was raped--And I was unable to do a thing against the individual who had done it. I dealt with anger, real anger the likes of which I doubt most of the group could even comprehend, and had to learn how to choke it off. By myself, lest I be labelled insane.

I understand you may get frustrated and angry, but try and imagine waking up every morning for a year and spending at least fifteen minutes in the first hour of consciousness where you're lost in nigh-uncontrollable rage, fantasizing about gutting an individual, burying your arm up to the elbow in their chest, ripping out their heart, and eating it while they are still alive.

It sounds batshit insane, but I am dead serious, here.

I will not disagree--I'm sure you do have mental illnesses that need addressing, and that you've got a lot of shit on your plate. The problem that I have always had, though, is that you don't try to fix them, Jess. You run from them. You fling the blame elsewhere. You try and have something else take care of it. You don't do a damn thing to try and fix them.

Be it financial state, mental state, physical state.. I haven't seen a great deal of anything more than token effort, and then only when it's brought to your face and you don't decide to bolt.

And that is why you lost respect with me, and why I honestly, truly, don't care at all anymore. A piece of advice: Even if you stand alone, even if the forces of iniquity are arrayed against you, then no matter the odds, no matter how closely you stare death in the eye, you fight for what is right, and for what is true. You fight for yourself, and you fight to better yourself. Do not fight unnecessarily, and step away from a fight if you recognize you're in the wrong. If you are in the right, however, then you fight with your last breath, if need be. Carpe diem.

To move to another point, I must ask: What ultimatums was JD issuing? This confuses me.

I would also like to point out that I find great fault in your assertation that it's easy to blank out and forget if you aren't with the person you love. I find it difficult to not think of Sagi on a daily basis. If anything, I see that view on your end as a possible holding that maybe you never loved him to begin with.. and that just maybe you don't have any idea of what love is. Or, if you do, then maybe you don't have a full appreciation of it. I won't hold the concept of love in some form of sacred shrine--It just doesn't seem that you have a deep committing appreciation for much else, so it falls into question.

And lastly.. Yes, I dared to judge. For reasons above, regardless of what you may think otherwise. Partly it was due to things betwixt you and JD, as I said. But that wasn't all of it by a long shot.

Oh, and one last piece of advice: If you don't like your life and how it stands.. If you don't like being weak.. If you don't like the views that people have of you.. Then you need to analyze how justified the people are.. Analyze just what would make you really happy in life, independent of a relationship.. And do a healthy dosage of soul-searching.

In short:

Fix it.

How, I don't know, and I won't pretend to guess.

Fix it.

[firinn]

An attack, in the negative sense that I believe you're implying I was using, inherently implies that an individual is working for a negative effect on the overall wellbeing of another. As odd as it may seem, such was not the case at all. In fact, I would hope just the opposite comes of it.

It's not a matter of superiority that I'm trying to express. In all blatant honesty, non-egotism, and simple objective view.. I am, in terms of having my shit together as it were, actually better than most people. If it comes off as prickish, then that's not necessarily my fault. I can't help the fact that I am better in place, mentally, emotionally, and the whatnot and have no shame in that fact. This is tempered by a humility when I am, indeed, in the wrong. I suppose I may come off as arrogant and like an asshole in the phrasing here, but I tend to attribute that more to a negative social stigma than an actual intention. Damn near anyone who knows me (if you were to ask, I mean) knows that as far as assholery goes.. I'm usually anything but. *LOL*

Moreover, as I stated, she has lost my respect as a simple human being. As I've also stated: While the words may be harsh, I speak honestly. I am fully capable of being nice and honest at the same time, but at this point I really don't care to indulge in niceties. I am simply speaking my mind. While it may not be the kindest phrasing, it still is honest--If brutal in the process.

An unfortunate thing is that sometimes it takes experiencing brutality before a point sinks in. This is not a haphazard assumption of mine--It's a solid fact of life.

Lastly, I may've been able to phrase the final portion in a different way. The intended message with that is that if you don't like some aspect of your life, then you have three basic choices:

1) Whine/get angry/mope about/whatever regarding it.
2) Fix it.
3) Run away.

Eventually, most people go with either 2 or 3. It's a mark of your character as an individual for how you handle life's problems. In all my experience thusfar, her usual point of operation has been number 3. My asserting point 2 was more in a sense of further expression that I'm not of a mind to try and console, I'm not of a mind to try and be a friend. I am one human being speaking to another human being as to the best mode of operation in which to engage the problems that occur in life.

"Fix it." mentality is something that, I'm told, also applies fairly well into existential philosophy. Your mind is your own. If you don't like it, then fix it. Period. It isn't condescension that I put forward--That's what you perceive through my words. What I supply is advice. The choice is whether to listen to what is said, and damn me if you will, or ignore what is said, and damn me for no reason at all other than bruised feelings. In the former, I am understanding. In the latter, I have no care to deal with it--And I don't try to hide that fact.

Figured I'd offer up a response, to try and explain things a wee bit better.

[firinn]

*shakes head* This is about as effective as telling a mechanic, "my car is broke, fix it!" He'll ask what's wrong. You'll say, "I don't know. It's broke, fix it." If you don't say what's wrong or give some idea what you think is wrong, saying "fix it" is just more of the same condescending tripe you shared in this second comment.

UUUUHHHHHH..... COMING FROM A MECHANIC... If you tell them that "My car is broke, Fix it," will 99% of the time get it fixed.
Just thought I would point that out.

-=(Gh0sTly)=-