Becoming, Part 2
Steve updates everyone else, more things happen.
Part 2
When they tell the others, and by ‘they’ Steve means himself because Tony disappears at the last minute, the response is calmer than he expects. He waits 24 hours to do it; fairly certain the rest of them have already figured out what happened on their own at this point. It is also conveniently at a time where Steve knows Loki is both no longer at a S.H.I.E.L.D. base, but still in transit to the tower. This is not something he wants the Asgardian to walk in on even if whatever made him inclined towards violence is no longer a factor. Loki was still raised in a warrior culture and if the result is anything like Natasha (the closest person Steve knows that could be considered an equivalent) then just removing the inclination will not make him any less dangerous.
Once everyone but Iron Man has arrived in the sitting area of Steve’s quarters, another precaution just in case the journey back to the tower takes less time than he anticipates, Steve finds himself at a loss for words. He stands in front of them without speaking for a few seconds before the metaphor of the camera falls out of his lips without thinking.
“It’s still the same subject, but a filter changes the way it is seen and the approach of the person taking it.”
“And this filter,” Doctor Banner rubs the bridge of his nose. “What did it do?”
“It sounded like it made him more volatile. The filter was how I wrapped my mind around it, but they also said the word lattice. I looked it up, it’s woven I think. Like a net. Maybe it blocks too.”
“Blocks his sanity?”
“Yes, well… they might still be trying to work that out. If they do understand it then they weren’t exactly talkative. Maybe S.H.I.E.L.D. should look into a meeting with them.”
Natasha flicks her phone out of her pocket.
“If they weren’t forthcoming with you or Stark then the odds are low they’ll be any more so with S.H.I.E.L.D. officials.” The phone disappears again, she addresses Clint without looking at him. “We could have you ask them. Try to implant some sort of guilt and responsibility for Loki’s actions.”
Clint is leaning back into the couch, legs crossed and head tipped back. His posture is loose, but his eyes are knives hanging over Steve’s head. He does not speak; Natasha seems to take the role for him. He also does not look surprised by anything they are saying.
“But he was still making the decisions. It didn’t change his thoughts or beliefs,” Natasha continues, now speaking to Steve for confirmation. “Didn’t make him follow or believe someone else’s agenda. Everything Loki did was a result of what he chose to do.”
“That is how they explained it, yes.”
She rises from her seat as if she is floating, next to her Clint doesn’t so much as shift.
“I’ll report to Fury. He should have been told about the dwarves the minute they came back.” She’s looking intently at Steve when she says it, he doesn’t respond because he knows it’s true. “He’ll want to see the security footage. JARVIS?”
“I will have it prepared and upload it to your mobile momentarily.” The A.I. responds.
She walks out. Bruce is the next to leave, heading to the kitchen to finish dinner, leaving Steve and Clint alone in the room. Neither of them speaks and eventually Steve moves to sit on the table in front of the other man, not wanting to tower over the agent for this conversation.
“Clint?” He asks after a few seconds, not getting any response. “Agent Barton?” Still nothing. “Agent,” he says softly. “Status report.”
Clint glares at him. At least it’s something.
“You don’t seem surprised.”
“No.”
“Can I ask why?”
“That’s how it always is. A convenient reason that it isn’t their fault.”
“Clint, the point is that it was his responsibility. It wasn’t the same as what he did to you, no one forced him to do what he did.”
“They’ll use it to keep him free.”
“Maybe.” Steve shrugs. “I’d be a little surprised if they didn’t try, actually. But he does seem less… pointy than he did when I first met him.” Not less angry though, Steve can still see the threads of it in him. And the exhaustion (which is what he’s banking on).
“He’s tired.” Clint repeats the sentiment that Steve didn’t voice out loud, eyes drifting to the side again. It isn’t worth trying to draw them back as long as he keeps responding.
“Are you?”
Clint grumbles out, “I’m tired of this conversation,” and then proceeds to ignore him for five minutes; Steve doesn’t let his eyes leave the slumped man. When Barton speaks again it is clear that he’s talking because he knows it’s expected of him and not because he needs an answer. “How does his bond with Thor work into it?”
“I don’t know that yet.” Barton is still looking over Steve’s shoulder, like he is seeing something else in his mind. “Do you?” That startles a look back.
“What?”
“Do you know? How the bond works in.”
Clint shrugs. Steve lets it go, for the moment.
“When was the last time you ate?”
“Dunno. Early morning? What day is it?”
“Tuesday.”
A steady rhythm taps out on the end table where Clint is bracing himself against the armrest, finger the only part of him that moves. “I ate on Friday.”
“Clint-”
“Was busy.”
“You’re lucky we didn’t get called in. Come on,” Standing, Steve reaches a hand out to the agent who eyes it with distrust. It is a little… upsetting. “You are going to eat, then sleep. I will wake you up if it’s necessary.”
Clint doesn’t take his offer to help him up, but he does stand and follow Steve into the kitchen. He even eats some of the curry Bruce sets in front of him, so it’s better than it was before. The first thing he needs to do once he sees Clint settled, Steve decides, is find Stark and figure out exactly what steps they are going to take moving forward.
After dinner when Steve goes looking for him, Tony is gone.
And so is Loki.
-
They leave without packing.
“A text,” Stark says, flashing his phone screen at Loki for a fraction of a second before shoving it into his pocket. He’s leaning casually against a wall in the garage when the S.H.I.E.L.D. van pulls up, grabbing Loki’s sleeve and manhandling him into a new car once the van is gone. The driver turns back to them and smiles; Loki has no idea who he is.
“I have been summoned to Malibu. Business things, boring.” The car speeds down the highway which is thankfully not crowded. The Midgardian pays it no mind; Loki looks out the window at the numbers that pass. “But Pepper called and needs must be- Hey, you don’t care that I’m bringing you, do you? Good. Didn’t think you’d want to be alone in the tower again. Didn’t work out so well the last time. -something about meetings and I wouldn’t usually care, but Pepper and convenient timing and junk. Thoughts?” Loki blinks at him. The show Stark has been projecting drops to dead seriousness. “Loki,” for a second he thinks the man will reach out and touch him, but he doesn’t. “I’m taking you to Malibu, I’m trusting you with this, God help me. Please don’t make me regret it.”
Nothing comes out of Loki’s mouth, dead air he can’t turn into words that finally creaks out in an “alright” like his throat is a desert.
Tony nods.
He’s escorted to a private jet, casting a perception filter causing those they pass not to recognize him, and they are in the air. Loki looks curiously out the windows.
“How does this fly?”
Stark smiles and then talks.
-
Though he has not seen Pepper since before he returned he can still recall a fondness for her, the thought of her being like Eir in that her first impression of him seemed to be that he was a small child that needed taking care of, even though she knows he tried to kill Tony once.
It concerns him what her response to his return will be. Though he no longer wants to… smite Midgardians… it has clearly not been enough to reassure most of those he is in contact with (such as Colonel Rhodes who, having just arrived at the tower twenty six minutes after they had departed, expressed his displeasure thoroughly over the phone during the flight). Loki has so few allies at this stage that the idea of losing one he may have had, even though he had not even been himself and especially because she reminded him so of a quiet shining light in his childhood, is disconcerting.
If he is to stay here, on Midgard with this peculiar mortal that he is not sure he likes, her support is required. He will not last if she is not standing on his side.
What becomes apparent to him by the expression on her face as he exits the jet is that she had not expected his presence. She is upset, which displeases him, so he defers to Stark and remains unobtrusive as much as he can. Perhaps later she will still speak to him.
-
She has a panic attack in the ladies room.
A rapid shaking claustrophobia where the walls closed in and she couldn’t get any air, mouth dry like sand, curled in on herself and blocking the door until she no longer feels like she (or Tony) is going to die.
Pepper smooths her hair out, fixes her makeup, and then takes Loki to lunch while Tony works.
They go to Nobu, calling ahead to secure the full deck for privacy. The waiters who bring plate after intricate plate of fresh sea food do not seem to notice who Loki is nor that he isn’t eating, which is both comforting and disturbing all at once.
Loki is calm and quiet, nearly fading from her attention as if by magic. She hopes he is just as out of sorts as she is. Anxiety claws at her stomach so she focuses instead on the waves splashing up on the shore. It is usually enough for her to nod off, or forget any worries she might have, but then she is finished eating and can put it off no longer. Fear has never stopped her from doing what she needs to do.
There is not a delicate way to ask.
“Are you the same person who attacked New York?”
Loki freezes. There is a lie in his eyes; she braces herself for it.
“I’m-” he stops, looks to the side. “No, I’m- it’s not… not precisely? I’m not that person any-” he stops again. She watches him close his eyes and count to ten in his mind, the same tactic she uses when Tony is being particularly frustrating. When he opens his eyes he avoids hers. “Yes.”
For some unworldly reason the admission causes some of the tension to run out of her. “What did you mean by ‘not precisely’?”
“I am also it- him, from before. He is… in me, I think.”
His hands shift and he looks down in a way that with anyone else she would identify as insecurity. That with him a few weeks ago she would have thought the same.
She doesn’t know what it means now.
Please, she thinks. Please be real.
“You act like him sometimes.” Loki laughs and she is firmly reminded that he is not Tony’s Loki. “Is that unusual?”
“Yes,” he frowns. “I think so.” The water in his glass whirls as he spins it, clearly not at ease and searching for ways to distance himself from the conversation. She feels the same way. “You make me uncomfortable.”
“Why?” He does not respond, only sits there examining the empty air between them and the planes of the glass in his hand. “I need you to be honest with me for a few minutes. Can you do that?” Loki does not look at her, but he nods. “Have you talked to Tony yet?”
“Yes.”
“Have you Talked to him.”
“… there is a specific topic you have in mind?” She raises an eyebrow. “No, I have not.”
“Thor told you to stop, didn’t he? To come home with him. When you were here with the Chituari.”
“Yes.”
“And you didn’t, obviously.” He echoes her on the last word, but makes no other move to clarify. “Tony explained the binding to me when he was waiting for you to wake up. That you follow Thor’s orders, or followed them I should say. Except,” she twirls the straw in her iced tea, “for all the times that you didn’t.” Loki looks at the main building of the restaurant, focusing on the way the light plays across the windows next to them. “So, how does that work?”
“There is a difference,” he starts, still looking at the window. “Between what he wants or demands and what he Needs.” He finally looks back to her. “You are familiar with the reasons I was made?”
“I think so, maybe. But it’s all been second or third hand.”
“When I was new, my only purpose was to support Thor and help him grow into a successful King; which I have failed at, naturally, because everything I try to do results in failure.” Pepper bites back a reassuring noise. “Regardless, that was at least the intention. Everything about me developed around him, to… balance him out. To provide what he did not have himself.” Pepper can hear the frustration edging up in Loki’s voice and leans back into her chair out of instinct, like that would actually protect her is he tried something, and then feels stupid. She reaches out for her drink and tries to relax; Loki continues as if she had not reacted at all, but his eyes skip away from her to the waves. “As Thor grew, he became arrogant. It comes and goes now; he has gotten… a little better, maybe. But he is still not ready. Not worthy enough for the throne. And it felt like I was the only one who saw this. Midgard,” he stops, taps the table heavily, and starts again. “Midgard was good for Thor. He learned things here that I was never able to impart to him, because he does not listen when it comes from me. He was improving, and he… liked it here, but he could not stay, not without reason. He asked me to stop, he demanded it, and he meant it on some level, of course he did because while Thor is arrogant and foolish he will protect those who need it. But in order to stay here, with his shield brothers, with… this Jane, he knew he needed a reason. In that part of him that acknowledged this, he also knew that he would always be able to provide this protection, because he would always defeat me.”
“Because,” Pepper looks at him carefully, feeling out his reaction. “You would never let him lose.”
Loki gives her a wry smile.
“He needed to be on Midgard, Ms. Potts. I arranged things.” He lets out a gust of air. “And so he meant and didn’t mean all of these things, and I was able to look past his demands because of this. Because of what he needed to become worthy.” They sit in silence, Pepper placing her glass back on the table as their waiter comes out to check on them. She smiles at the man, waves off the offer of a fresh tea, and they are once again left alone. It is some time before Loki continues. “I did not anticipate him tiring of the arrangement… at least… not in this way.”
“What did you think would happen?”
“That he would kill me. Eventually. Once I had convinced everyone there was nothing worth saving. That he would struggle with the decision and weigh the odds and realize that to be a true leader one must make sacrifices for the greater good. That he would strike me down, and mourn, and allow Midgard to help rebuild him, and then he would become worthy. But of course that is not what happened, and I have made it worse. It is what I do best.”
The empty air between them is painful in its silence.
“Why are you telling me all of this?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know,” and then sighs and shakes his head. “Yes, I-” He buries his face in his hands then runs them both back over his face, into his hair to grip tightly for a moment and if to ground himself, and then rests them back on the table. “You told me once that I was- you told him that he was more than a thing for people to use. That he was worth- and I… I think he was, I do, but I don’t know… I don’t know if I am.” He finally stops. She reaches out to take his hand and they stay like that.
“This isn’t a good idea.”
“I know.”
“I don’t think he trusts you. I don’t trust you.” Loki nods, eyes fixed on her hand still covering his. “But he still wants to keep you… Don’t hurt him- them, any of them. Please.”
“I won’t,” he says, she doesn’t respond. “It’s not something I- I… have a list. Of things, that I shouldn’t do. Tony made it.”
She sighs, lips quirking up without her permission. “Of course he did.”
-
“So, what do you think of California?”
Across the room Tony is pouring an amber liquid into his glass, probably alcohol. Loki turns to cross his arms along the back of the couch so he can watch him. What an odd question.
“It is sufficient, what I have seen of it at least. Which is mostly the house.”
“No gushing about the countryside?”
“… it is green?” Loki shifts again and leans back into the cushions, Tony laughs. “Will Ms. Potts be returning?”
There is noise at the bar, Tony fussing with glassware, shuffling and reshuffling them into different patterns. “No, I don’t think so,” he says, not looking up. “Needs some space, I dropped a bomb on her today… not literally, but… you know… can’t just show up with ex-genocidal alien invader and expect her to be fine with it just because it’s over… That’s over now, right?”
“I was never genocidal…”
“That is over now. Right?”
“I have no particular desire to subjugate your species, no.”
“Lovely.” The clinking finally stops, he takes the moment to look at the Midgardian again, a heavy feeling starting to build in his gut.
“When you say she will not be returning… you mean tonight.” Tony doesn’t look at him. “During this visit?”
“I don’t know.”
“I…” there is really nothing to say. “I should go back to the tower.”
“No, it’s fine-”
“She is not comfortable because I am here, if I leave she will-”
“How do you feel at the tower, Loki?”
The non-sequitur throws him.
“… what?” He rather misses his ability to articulate thoughts, doesn’t think he’s been able to do it properly since his fall. “It is fine?”
“At the tower, Loki. At.” It is lucky that Tony ignores any potential response and keeps talking, because Loki has no intention of answering his question. Stark is not an idiot, he already knows how Loki felt. “Because I don’t know about you, but I for one am feeling a little stifled. And uncomfortable, which makes me worried about my babies, so I’m going to have them picked up and brought home. Except JARVIS, he can multi-task if he wants to. He’s a big boy. Besides, I need the space. I have a couple projects I want to work on.” The talking stops for a moment, Tony falling silent looking down at his untouched drink. He finally walks around the length of the bar and, after only a second or two of hesitation, sits down on the couch next to Loki who remains quiet, watching the mortal with the smallest bit of awe growing in his chest. “… do you want to move here?” He swallows. “A fresh start and all. Everything at the tower will still be there if you change your mind, I’ll put it on lock down so you’ll still have it, no one else will be able to get to it. I’m not taking anything away from you, just… no memories here. Not yet. You can make good ones from the beginning. We can go back after business is over, pack up whatever you want and make our excuses.” Tony stops and looks at Loki for a second looking like he expects to be shot down, voice hesitant. And vulnerable. “What do you think?”
-
Loki lies on the floor of his room (his new one, still empty and waiting for his belongings across the country to be packed up and moved in) staring up at the empty expanse of the ceiling above him. His mind is quiet for the first time in ages.
He smiles.
They stay in California for three weeks.
Part 3
Part 2
When they tell the others, and by ‘they’ Steve means himself because Tony disappears at the last minute, the response is calmer than he expects. He waits 24 hours to do it; fairly certain the rest of them have already figured out what happened on their own at this point. It is also conveniently at a time where Steve knows Loki is both no longer at a S.H.I.E.L.D. base, but still in transit to the tower. This is not something he wants the Asgardian to walk in on even if whatever made him inclined towards violence is no longer a factor. Loki was still raised in a warrior culture and if the result is anything like Natasha (the closest person Steve knows that could be considered an equivalent) then just removing the inclination will not make him any less dangerous.
Once everyone but Iron Man has arrived in the sitting area of Steve’s quarters, another precaution just in case the journey back to the tower takes less time than he anticipates, Steve finds himself at a loss for words. He stands in front of them without speaking for a few seconds before the metaphor of the camera falls out of his lips without thinking.
“It’s still the same subject, but a filter changes the way it is seen and the approach of the person taking it.”
“And this filter,” Doctor Banner rubs the bridge of his nose. “What did it do?”
“It sounded like it made him more volatile. The filter was how I wrapped my mind around it, but they also said the word lattice. I looked it up, it’s woven I think. Like a net. Maybe it blocks too.”
“Blocks his sanity?”
“Yes, well… they might still be trying to work that out. If they do understand it then they weren’t exactly talkative. Maybe S.H.I.E.L.D. should look into a meeting with them.”
Natasha flicks her phone out of her pocket.
“If they weren’t forthcoming with you or Stark then the odds are low they’ll be any more so with S.H.I.E.L.D. officials.” The phone disappears again, she addresses Clint without looking at him. “We could have you ask them. Try to implant some sort of guilt and responsibility for Loki’s actions.”
Clint is leaning back into the couch, legs crossed and head tipped back. His posture is loose, but his eyes are knives hanging over Steve’s head. He does not speak; Natasha seems to take the role for him. He also does not look surprised by anything they are saying.
“But he was still making the decisions. It didn’t change his thoughts or beliefs,” Natasha continues, now speaking to Steve for confirmation. “Didn’t make him follow or believe someone else’s agenda. Everything Loki did was a result of what he chose to do.”
“That is how they explained it, yes.”
She rises from her seat as if she is floating, next to her Clint doesn’t so much as shift.
“I’ll report to Fury. He should have been told about the dwarves the minute they came back.” She’s looking intently at Steve when she says it, he doesn’t respond because he knows it’s true. “He’ll want to see the security footage. JARVIS?”
“I will have it prepared and upload it to your mobile momentarily.” The A.I. responds.
She walks out. Bruce is the next to leave, heading to the kitchen to finish dinner, leaving Steve and Clint alone in the room. Neither of them speaks and eventually Steve moves to sit on the table in front of the other man, not wanting to tower over the agent for this conversation.
“Clint?” He asks after a few seconds, not getting any response. “Agent Barton?” Still nothing. “Agent,” he says softly. “Status report.”
Clint glares at him. At least it’s something.
“You don’t seem surprised.”
“No.”
“Can I ask why?”
“That’s how it always is. A convenient reason that it isn’t their fault.”
“Clint, the point is that it was his responsibility. It wasn’t the same as what he did to you, no one forced him to do what he did.”
“They’ll use it to keep him free.”
“Maybe.” Steve shrugs. “I’d be a little surprised if they didn’t try, actually. But he does seem less… pointy than he did when I first met him.” Not less angry though, Steve can still see the threads of it in him. And the exhaustion (which is what he’s banking on).
“He’s tired.” Clint repeats the sentiment that Steve didn’t voice out loud, eyes drifting to the side again. It isn’t worth trying to draw them back as long as he keeps responding.
“Are you?”
Clint grumbles out, “I’m tired of this conversation,” and then proceeds to ignore him for five minutes; Steve doesn’t let his eyes leave the slumped man. When Barton speaks again it is clear that he’s talking because he knows it’s expected of him and not because he needs an answer. “How does his bond with Thor work into it?”
“I don’t know that yet.” Barton is still looking over Steve’s shoulder, like he is seeing something else in his mind. “Do you?” That startles a look back.
“What?”
“Do you know? How the bond works in.”
Clint shrugs. Steve lets it go, for the moment.
“When was the last time you ate?”
“Dunno. Early morning? What day is it?”
“Tuesday.”
A steady rhythm taps out on the end table where Clint is bracing himself against the armrest, finger the only part of him that moves. “I ate on Friday.”
“Clint-”
“Was busy.”
“You’re lucky we didn’t get called in. Come on,” Standing, Steve reaches a hand out to the agent who eyes it with distrust. It is a little… upsetting. “You are going to eat, then sleep. I will wake you up if it’s necessary.”
Clint doesn’t take his offer to help him up, but he does stand and follow Steve into the kitchen. He even eats some of the curry Bruce sets in front of him, so it’s better than it was before. The first thing he needs to do once he sees Clint settled, Steve decides, is find Stark and figure out exactly what steps they are going to take moving forward.
After dinner when Steve goes looking for him, Tony is gone.
And so is Loki.
-
They leave without packing.
“A text,” Stark says, flashing his phone screen at Loki for a fraction of a second before shoving it into his pocket. He’s leaning casually against a wall in the garage when the S.H.I.E.L.D. van pulls up, grabbing Loki’s sleeve and manhandling him into a new car once the van is gone. The driver turns back to them and smiles; Loki has no idea who he is.
“I have been summoned to Malibu. Business things, boring.” The car speeds down the highway which is thankfully not crowded. The Midgardian pays it no mind; Loki looks out the window at the numbers that pass. “But Pepper called and needs must be- Hey, you don’t care that I’m bringing you, do you? Good. Didn’t think you’d want to be alone in the tower again. Didn’t work out so well the last time. -something about meetings and I wouldn’t usually care, but Pepper and convenient timing and junk. Thoughts?” Loki blinks at him. The show Stark has been projecting drops to dead seriousness. “Loki,” for a second he thinks the man will reach out and touch him, but he doesn’t. “I’m taking you to Malibu, I’m trusting you with this, God help me. Please don’t make me regret it.”
Nothing comes out of Loki’s mouth, dead air he can’t turn into words that finally creaks out in an “alright” like his throat is a desert.
Tony nods.
He’s escorted to a private jet, casting a perception filter causing those they pass not to recognize him, and they are in the air. Loki looks curiously out the windows.
“How does this fly?”
Stark smiles and then talks.
-
Though he has not seen Pepper since before he returned he can still recall a fondness for her, the thought of her being like Eir in that her first impression of him seemed to be that he was a small child that needed taking care of, even though she knows he tried to kill Tony once.
It concerns him what her response to his return will be. Though he no longer wants to… smite Midgardians… it has clearly not been enough to reassure most of those he is in contact with (such as Colonel Rhodes who, having just arrived at the tower twenty six minutes after they had departed, expressed his displeasure thoroughly over the phone during the flight). Loki has so few allies at this stage that the idea of losing one he may have had, even though he had not even been himself and especially because she reminded him so of a quiet shining light in his childhood, is disconcerting.
If he is to stay here, on Midgard with this peculiar mortal that he is not sure he likes, her support is required. He will not last if she is not standing on his side.
What becomes apparent to him by the expression on her face as he exits the jet is that she had not expected his presence. She is upset, which displeases him, so he defers to Stark and remains unobtrusive as much as he can. Perhaps later she will still speak to him.
-
She has a panic attack in the ladies room.
A rapid shaking claustrophobia where the walls closed in and she couldn’t get any air, mouth dry like sand, curled in on herself and blocking the door until she no longer feels like she (or Tony) is going to die.
Pepper smooths her hair out, fixes her makeup, and then takes Loki to lunch while Tony works.
They go to Nobu, calling ahead to secure the full deck for privacy. The waiters who bring plate after intricate plate of fresh sea food do not seem to notice who Loki is nor that he isn’t eating, which is both comforting and disturbing all at once.
Loki is calm and quiet, nearly fading from her attention as if by magic. She hopes he is just as out of sorts as she is. Anxiety claws at her stomach so she focuses instead on the waves splashing up on the shore. It is usually enough for her to nod off, or forget any worries she might have, but then she is finished eating and can put it off no longer. Fear has never stopped her from doing what she needs to do.
There is not a delicate way to ask.
“Are you the same person who attacked New York?”
Loki freezes. There is a lie in his eyes; she braces herself for it.
“I’m-” he stops, looks to the side. “No, I’m- it’s not… not precisely? I’m not that person any-” he stops again. She watches him close his eyes and count to ten in his mind, the same tactic she uses when Tony is being particularly frustrating. When he opens his eyes he avoids hers. “Yes.”
For some unworldly reason the admission causes some of the tension to run out of her. “What did you mean by ‘not precisely’?”
“I am also it- him, from before. He is… in me, I think.”
His hands shift and he looks down in a way that with anyone else she would identify as insecurity. That with him a few weeks ago she would have thought the same.
She doesn’t know what it means now.
Please, she thinks. Please be real.
“You act like him sometimes.” Loki laughs and she is firmly reminded that he is not Tony’s Loki. “Is that unusual?”
“Yes,” he frowns. “I think so.” The water in his glass whirls as he spins it, clearly not at ease and searching for ways to distance himself from the conversation. She feels the same way. “You make me uncomfortable.”
“Why?” He does not respond, only sits there examining the empty air between them and the planes of the glass in his hand. “I need you to be honest with me for a few minutes. Can you do that?” Loki does not look at her, but he nods. “Have you talked to Tony yet?”
“Yes.”
“Have you Talked to him.”
“… there is a specific topic you have in mind?” She raises an eyebrow. “No, I have not.”
“Thor told you to stop, didn’t he? To come home with him. When you were here with the Chituari.”
“Yes.”
“And you didn’t, obviously.” He echoes her on the last word, but makes no other move to clarify. “Tony explained the binding to me when he was waiting for you to wake up. That you follow Thor’s orders, or followed them I should say. Except,” she twirls the straw in her iced tea, “for all the times that you didn’t.” Loki looks at the main building of the restaurant, focusing on the way the light plays across the windows next to them. “So, how does that work?”
“There is a difference,” he starts, still looking at the window. “Between what he wants or demands and what he Needs.” He finally looks back to her. “You are familiar with the reasons I was made?”
“I think so, maybe. But it’s all been second or third hand.”
“When I was new, my only purpose was to support Thor and help him grow into a successful King; which I have failed at, naturally, because everything I try to do results in failure.” Pepper bites back a reassuring noise. “Regardless, that was at least the intention. Everything about me developed around him, to… balance him out. To provide what he did not have himself.” Pepper can hear the frustration edging up in Loki’s voice and leans back into her chair out of instinct, like that would actually protect her is he tried something, and then feels stupid. She reaches out for her drink and tries to relax; Loki continues as if she had not reacted at all, but his eyes skip away from her to the waves. “As Thor grew, he became arrogant. It comes and goes now; he has gotten… a little better, maybe. But he is still not ready. Not worthy enough for the throne. And it felt like I was the only one who saw this. Midgard,” he stops, taps the table heavily, and starts again. “Midgard was good for Thor. He learned things here that I was never able to impart to him, because he does not listen when it comes from me. He was improving, and he… liked it here, but he could not stay, not without reason. He asked me to stop, he demanded it, and he meant it on some level, of course he did because while Thor is arrogant and foolish he will protect those who need it. But in order to stay here, with his shield brothers, with… this Jane, he knew he needed a reason. In that part of him that acknowledged this, he also knew that he would always be able to provide this protection, because he would always defeat me.”
“Because,” Pepper looks at him carefully, feeling out his reaction. “You would never let him lose.”
Loki gives her a wry smile.
“He needed to be on Midgard, Ms. Potts. I arranged things.” He lets out a gust of air. “And so he meant and didn’t mean all of these things, and I was able to look past his demands because of this. Because of what he needed to become worthy.” They sit in silence, Pepper placing her glass back on the table as their waiter comes out to check on them. She smiles at the man, waves off the offer of a fresh tea, and they are once again left alone. It is some time before Loki continues. “I did not anticipate him tiring of the arrangement… at least… not in this way.”
“What did you think would happen?”
“That he would kill me. Eventually. Once I had convinced everyone there was nothing worth saving. That he would struggle with the decision and weigh the odds and realize that to be a true leader one must make sacrifices for the greater good. That he would strike me down, and mourn, and allow Midgard to help rebuild him, and then he would become worthy. But of course that is not what happened, and I have made it worse. It is what I do best.”
The empty air between them is painful in its silence.
“Why are you telling me all of this?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know,” and then sighs and shakes his head. “Yes, I-” He buries his face in his hands then runs them both back over his face, into his hair to grip tightly for a moment and if to ground himself, and then rests them back on the table. “You told me once that I was- you told him that he was more than a thing for people to use. That he was worth- and I… I think he was, I do, but I don’t know… I don’t know if I am.” He finally stops. She reaches out to take his hand and they stay like that.
“This isn’t a good idea.”
“I know.”
“I don’t think he trusts you. I don’t trust you.” Loki nods, eyes fixed on her hand still covering his. “But he still wants to keep you… Don’t hurt him- them, any of them. Please.”
“I won’t,” he says, she doesn’t respond. “It’s not something I- I… have a list. Of things, that I shouldn’t do. Tony made it.”
She sighs, lips quirking up without her permission. “Of course he did.”
-
“So, what do you think of California?”
Across the room Tony is pouring an amber liquid into his glass, probably alcohol. Loki turns to cross his arms along the back of the couch so he can watch him. What an odd question.
“It is sufficient, what I have seen of it at least. Which is mostly the house.”
“No gushing about the countryside?”
“… it is green?” Loki shifts again and leans back into the cushions, Tony laughs. “Will Ms. Potts be returning?”
There is noise at the bar, Tony fussing with glassware, shuffling and reshuffling them into different patterns. “No, I don’t think so,” he says, not looking up. “Needs some space, I dropped a bomb on her today… not literally, but… you know… can’t just show up with ex-genocidal alien invader and expect her to be fine with it just because it’s over… That’s over now, right?”
“I was never genocidal…”
“That is over now. Right?”
“I have no particular desire to subjugate your species, no.”
“Lovely.” The clinking finally stops, he takes the moment to look at the Midgardian again, a heavy feeling starting to build in his gut.
“When you say she will not be returning… you mean tonight.” Tony doesn’t look at him. “During this visit?”
“I don’t know.”
“I…” there is really nothing to say. “I should go back to the tower.”
“No, it’s fine-”
“She is not comfortable because I am here, if I leave she will-”
“How do you feel at the tower, Loki?”
The non-sequitur throws him.
“… what?” He rather misses his ability to articulate thoughts, doesn’t think he’s been able to do it properly since his fall. “It is fine?”
“At the tower, Loki. At.” It is lucky that Tony ignores any potential response and keeps talking, because Loki has no intention of answering his question. Stark is not an idiot, he already knows how Loki felt. “Because I don’t know about you, but I for one am feeling a little stifled. And uncomfortable, which makes me worried about my babies, so I’m going to have them picked up and brought home. Except JARVIS, he can multi-task if he wants to. He’s a big boy. Besides, I need the space. I have a couple projects I want to work on.” The talking stops for a moment, Tony falling silent looking down at his untouched drink. He finally walks around the length of the bar and, after only a second or two of hesitation, sits down on the couch next to Loki who remains quiet, watching the mortal with the smallest bit of awe growing in his chest. “… do you want to move here?” He swallows. “A fresh start and all. Everything at the tower will still be there if you change your mind, I’ll put it on lock down so you’ll still have it, no one else will be able to get to it. I’m not taking anything away from you, just… no memories here. Not yet. You can make good ones from the beginning. We can go back after business is over, pack up whatever you want and make our excuses.” Tony stops and looks at Loki for a second looking like he expects to be shot down, voice hesitant. And vulnerable. “What do you think?”
-
Loki lies on the floor of his room (his new one, still empty and waiting for his belongings across the country to be packed up and moved in) staring up at the empty expanse of the ceiling above him. His mind is quiet for the first time in ages.
He smiles.
They stay in California for three weeks.
Part 3