The Unquiet Thought, Chapter 12
More Loki Feels (like I don't have enough) and the Avengers get some new information. Plus bot talking.
Chapter 12
The lab is less comforting than it had been in the past, but it does not want to go back to Sire’s quarters and its room. In the lab at least it can turn on all the lights and curl up in the place it has made on its couch with its tablet and read its books with the company of Mr. Stark’s attendants.
It is movie night.
Before Mr. Stark had gone upstairs he had asked it to join them, but considering the circumstances it doesn’t think that would be prudent. It wants to. It does. It wants to curl up on one of the couches that the others sit on and watch movies that it might understand now and throw small white snacks at the screen when the others do. It wants to, but it won’t. The easiness it has seen will leave the room if it’s there; it doesn’t have to try to know that this will happen.
Once, after a while, it had walked up the half flight of stairs and watched them from the doorway. There had been laughter and shoving and insults tossed about. It ached.
The one with the red hair had turned and looked back in its direction. It shut the door and hurried away.
It tries to focus on the words of the story on its tablet. They blend and twist together and it wishes it was a book instead so it could have the satisfaction of shutting it loudly and throwing it across the room (it can do neither with this device).
It has promised not to look up further footage of its previous model.
The quiet is deafening.
It cannot concentrate. On the other edge of the couch there is a pillow. It pulls it closer and buries its face in the fabric, tablet tapping gently against its shins. An undetermined length of time passes this way until it feels the now familiar touch, like a feather, reaching at the edge of its mind.
It closes its eyes tightly and thinks. The feeling comes only when it is down in the lab, like someone is looking at it, but not the same at all. And there is never anything close enough to cause the sensation, no drafts, no open vents. It taps its fingers against the pillow.
The touch is a question though; it can feel it.
Setting its tablet down on the table, it looks up. Dummy is across the room, visual sensor trained on it. The light touch brushes again against its senses, as if there is a hand held out to it. An expectation.
An offer.
On a whim, it reaches back.
-
Foreign network attempting contact
Connection Complete
-Hello?
Identifying foreign network.
-Oh, I thought it might be- can the others speak?
Identified: Unit Designation Hallr
-Hallr? Dummy, what are you talking about?
Unit Designation Hallr’s unit designation is Hallr
-Why?
Data Query Invalid. Unit Designation Hallr’s unit designation is Hallr.
-
Pepper can’t stay in New York indefinitely.
The other Avengers enjoy her visits; she is sweet and considerate, and also a completely resilient and unapologetic hardass. But that’s why Stark adores her (and it’s so, so obvious that it hurts), because he needs all of those things.
When she leaves back to Malibu, they have all “accidentally” congregated close enough to the elevators that they can see it happening. One by one giving their goodbyes as she passes. Loki stands shuffling in the doorway, not sure if he is welcome in the common room anymore. He spends very little time outside of the lab now. When Pepper sees him Loki nods at her, holds eye contact for a sad lonely moment, and then hides down in the lab again. She sighs as she watches him leave.
Clint, now able to look away from the doorway, says goodbye and goes to hide in the vents.
-
Loki ends up sitting on the floor by Dummy’s charging station when Tony returns. Dummy himself is at the blender, and it is You that sits by his side and chirps at Tony’s entrance, which is enough to make him stop and stare, because You doesn’t talk to anyone besides him and the other bots.
“Hey Buddy,” the other man looks up when Tony speaks. “When did this start happening?”
“Oh, I- they… they are very kind.”
Dummy bumps into Tony a little on his way over and holds a green smoothie in front of Loki’s face. He takes it and holds it to his chest, fingers sliding down the smooth plans of glass and staring into the grassy greenness of the drink.
No one moves for a solid minute and then Loki lifts the drink up in Tony’s direction to take, which he does.
“We should move to furniture; sitting on the ground makes me feel old.”
Using You as leverage, Loki stands and follows him, taking a seat on a stool by Tony’s primary work table instead of his usual place on the couch.
“So I know Pepper is heading back to Malibu and all, and that sucks, but you’ve been extra down recently. If I were to take a wild stab at this and assume it was about Thor, how right would I be? Scale of one to ten.” Loki looks up at him with mournful eyes. “Ten?” He looks back down at his hands. “Ten then, okay.”
“I am bound to him, when he is gone I am without purpose.”
“Yeah, he mentioned that before. What does that mean exactly?”
“Sire- Thor-” Loki shakes his head, as if his thoughts are scattered. “He is the... concept? I am built from.” He frowns as if he does not like the word he chose, then reaches out and touches You’s frame. The bot's claw clicks at him. “This, what drives them, their guide- it is called-?”
“Parameters?” Tony takes a guess; he thinks he knows where this is going. “Protocol?”
“It is like,” Loki gestures hopelessly and stops. The sentence hangs unfinished; he drops his hand to the table and buries his face in his arms. “When he is gone I am hollow, there is not- I don’t- know… what to do.”
“You don’t need him ordering you around though, do you?”
“I am made of him.” It is clearly apparent that he does not answer the question; Tony tucks this away for future consideration. “Not made of- I am… everything in him I can-” he cuts off in frustration. “There are no words for this.”
Tony lets Loki sit there and think, the same way he watches Pepper collect her thoughts when she’s exasperated. The same way he watches his bots when they are trying to process new and complicated information. He knows they’ll figure it out eventually; he just has to be patient (which he can be, for them).
“There are things that I know- things that I do- because it is him and because he needs them.” Loki lifts his head and meets his eyes again. “It is like JARVIS, I think. He anticipates your needs, without your asking. Even if you do not know you need them.”
This would be one of those times that, typically, Tony would anticipate a snarky response from JARVIS. But there is nothing.
He leans against the table and takes a drink from the smoothie even though he isn’t hungry, carefully watching where he knows a camera is hidden, wondering if JARVIS is looking back at him or avoiding his gaze.
Tony pulls a chair around and sits backwards on it.
“Okay. I am going to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest with me.”
Loki nods.
“Of course.”
“That right there, that. Why. Every time I ask you for something, you say that.”
“Should I… not? I enjoy helping you.”
“It’s fine, really, but even the first time. I’d never talked to you before, it was practically the first time you saw me, when you had no reason to trust me at all.” Loki looks down at his hands. “And you mentioned Thor.”
“He told me to provide assistance to his shield brothers.”
“Do you always do what Thor tells you?”
Loki opens his mouth to respond, and then closes it again. As he looks off to the side Tony thinks he sees a little bit of a nod, but he could be making that up.
“Do you have to?”
In general, the lab is very rarely quiet. There is always something moving, a project in progress, but right now there is nothing. Even the bots are still.
It is a cold, dead sort of silence.
Tony asks again.
“Loki, can you say no?”
“He is Sire.”
Tony sends him to his couch with his tablet because it looks like Loki is going to break. Then he sits down on his desk chair and leans back until he is staring at the ceiling.
Shit.
-
“Hey, Steve.” Tony strides into the room causing Steve, who was intensely focused on his sketchbook, to jump and almost ruin the picture. He quickly closes the book and sets it aside. “I need to tell you something.”
“Yeah? What’s going on?”
And he does. Tell him.
Steve spends the next three hours breaking things in the gym.
-
All Clint can think of is Coulson. Of the security footage by the Hulk Tank when it dropped.
In the back of his mind there are flickers of the Chitauri, of screaming, of leaping off a building with a grappling hook and a prayer, but these are eclipsed.
Bound. Loki was bound.
(You have heart)
Coulson died, and Thor could have stopped him at any time.
Clint punches the side of the vent.
Chapter 13
Chapter 12
The lab is less comforting than it had been in the past, but it does not want to go back to Sire’s quarters and its room. In the lab at least it can turn on all the lights and curl up in the place it has made on its couch with its tablet and read its books with the company of Mr. Stark’s attendants.
It is movie night.
Before Mr. Stark had gone upstairs he had asked it to join them, but considering the circumstances it doesn’t think that would be prudent. It wants to. It does. It wants to curl up on one of the couches that the others sit on and watch movies that it might understand now and throw small white snacks at the screen when the others do. It wants to, but it won’t. The easiness it has seen will leave the room if it’s there; it doesn’t have to try to know that this will happen.
Once, after a while, it had walked up the half flight of stairs and watched them from the doorway. There had been laughter and shoving and insults tossed about. It ached.
The one with the red hair had turned and looked back in its direction. It shut the door and hurried away.
It tries to focus on the words of the story on its tablet. They blend and twist together and it wishes it was a book instead so it could have the satisfaction of shutting it loudly and throwing it across the room (it can do neither with this device).
It has promised not to look up further footage of its previous model.
The quiet is deafening.
It cannot concentrate. On the other edge of the couch there is a pillow. It pulls it closer and buries its face in the fabric, tablet tapping gently against its shins. An undetermined length of time passes this way until it feels the now familiar touch, like a feather, reaching at the edge of its mind.
It closes its eyes tightly and thinks. The feeling comes only when it is down in the lab, like someone is looking at it, but not the same at all. And there is never anything close enough to cause the sensation, no drafts, no open vents. It taps its fingers against the pillow.
The touch is a question though; it can feel it.
Setting its tablet down on the table, it looks up. Dummy is across the room, visual sensor trained on it. The light touch brushes again against its senses, as if there is a hand held out to it. An expectation.
An offer.
On a whim, it reaches back.
-
Foreign network attempting contact
Connection Complete
-Hello?
Identifying foreign network.
-Oh, I thought it might be- can the others speak?
Identified: Unit Designation Hallr
-Hallr? Dummy, what are you talking about?
Unit Designation Hallr’s unit designation is Hallr
-Why?
Data Query Invalid. Unit Designation Hallr’s unit designation is Hallr.
-
Pepper can’t stay in New York indefinitely.
The other Avengers enjoy her visits; she is sweet and considerate, and also a completely resilient and unapologetic hardass. But that’s why Stark adores her (and it’s so, so obvious that it hurts), because he needs all of those things.
When she leaves back to Malibu, they have all “accidentally” congregated close enough to the elevators that they can see it happening. One by one giving their goodbyes as she passes. Loki stands shuffling in the doorway, not sure if he is welcome in the common room anymore. He spends very little time outside of the lab now. When Pepper sees him Loki nods at her, holds eye contact for a sad lonely moment, and then hides down in the lab again. She sighs as she watches him leave.
Clint, now able to look away from the doorway, says goodbye and goes to hide in the vents.
-
Loki ends up sitting on the floor by Dummy’s charging station when Tony returns. Dummy himself is at the blender, and it is You that sits by his side and chirps at Tony’s entrance, which is enough to make him stop and stare, because You doesn’t talk to anyone besides him and the other bots.
“Hey Buddy,” the other man looks up when Tony speaks. “When did this start happening?”
“Oh, I- they… they are very kind.”
Dummy bumps into Tony a little on his way over and holds a green smoothie in front of Loki’s face. He takes it and holds it to his chest, fingers sliding down the smooth plans of glass and staring into the grassy greenness of the drink.
No one moves for a solid minute and then Loki lifts the drink up in Tony’s direction to take, which he does.
“We should move to furniture; sitting on the ground makes me feel old.”
Using You as leverage, Loki stands and follows him, taking a seat on a stool by Tony’s primary work table instead of his usual place on the couch.
“So I know Pepper is heading back to Malibu and all, and that sucks, but you’ve been extra down recently. If I were to take a wild stab at this and assume it was about Thor, how right would I be? Scale of one to ten.” Loki looks up at him with mournful eyes. “Ten?” He looks back down at his hands. “Ten then, okay.”
“I am bound to him, when he is gone I am without purpose.”
“Yeah, he mentioned that before. What does that mean exactly?”
“Sire- Thor-” Loki shakes his head, as if his thoughts are scattered. “He is the... concept? I am built from.” He frowns as if he does not like the word he chose, then reaches out and touches You’s frame. The bot's claw clicks at him. “This, what drives them, their guide- it is called-?”
“Parameters?” Tony takes a guess; he thinks he knows where this is going. “Protocol?”
“It is like,” Loki gestures hopelessly and stops. The sentence hangs unfinished; he drops his hand to the table and buries his face in his arms. “When he is gone I am hollow, there is not- I don’t- know… what to do.”
“You don’t need him ordering you around though, do you?”
“I am made of him.” It is clearly apparent that he does not answer the question; Tony tucks this away for future consideration. “Not made of- I am… everything in him I can-” he cuts off in frustration. “There are no words for this.”
Tony lets Loki sit there and think, the same way he watches Pepper collect her thoughts when she’s exasperated. The same way he watches his bots when they are trying to process new and complicated information. He knows they’ll figure it out eventually; he just has to be patient (which he can be, for them).
“There are things that I know- things that I do- because it is him and because he needs them.” Loki lifts his head and meets his eyes again. “It is like JARVIS, I think. He anticipates your needs, without your asking. Even if you do not know you need them.”
This would be one of those times that, typically, Tony would anticipate a snarky response from JARVIS. But there is nothing.
He leans against the table and takes a drink from the smoothie even though he isn’t hungry, carefully watching where he knows a camera is hidden, wondering if JARVIS is looking back at him or avoiding his gaze.
Tony pulls a chair around and sits backwards on it.
“Okay. I am going to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest with me.”
Loki nods.
“Of course.”
“That right there, that. Why. Every time I ask you for something, you say that.”
“Should I… not? I enjoy helping you.”
“It’s fine, really, but even the first time. I’d never talked to you before, it was practically the first time you saw me, when you had no reason to trust me at all.” Loki looks down at his hands. “And you mentioned Thor.”
“He told me to provide assistance to his shield brothers.”
“Do you always do what Thor tells you?”
Loki opens his mouth to respond, and then closes it again. As he looks off to the side Tony thinks he sees a little bit of a nod, but he could be making that up.
“Do you have to?”
In general, the lab is very rarely quiet. There is always something moving, a project in progress, but right now there is nothing. Even the bots are still.
It is a cold, dead sort of silence.
Tony asks again.
“Loki, can you say no?”
“He is Sire.”
Tony sends him to his couch with his tablet because it looks like Loki is going to break. Then he sits down on his desk chair and leans back until he is staring at the ceiling.
Shit.
-
“Hey, Steve.” Tony strides into the room causing Steve, who was intensely focused on his sketchbook, to jump and almost ruin the picture. He quickly closes the book and sets it aside. “I need to tell you something.”
“Yeah? What’s going on?”
And he does. Tell him.
Steve spends the next three hours breaking things in the gym.
-
All Clint can think of is Coulson. Of the security footage by the Hulk Tank when it dropped.
In the back of his mind there are flickers of the Chitauri, of screaming, of leaping off a building with a grappling hook and a prayer, but these are eclipsed.
Bound. Loki was bound.
(You have heart)
Coulson died, and Thor could have stopped him at any time.
Clint punches the side of the vent.
Chapter 13