Review of a Tale on A Writers' Website From Which Criticism Has Been Banned
Dear Raven Moonflower The Uber-Leet,
I'm writing you about your latest narrative, "Elros and Morgoth and Arwen's Afreet."
This tale was fascinating, indeed one might truly say it was beyond description,
And your skillful use of Netspeak was most educational as I scoured the Net for useful sites about decryption.
Your tale brought me knowledge and wisdom beyond compare---
I had never before realized how identical in meaning were "there," "their" and "they're."
I knew not that Elros was an elf or that Morgoth was good,
Or that Mirkwood and Rivendell occupied the very same neighborhood.
I had been under the misapprehension that Galadriel was Arwen's grandmother and not her twin sister,
And I did not know that Arwen led a rebellion against her father and that it was all Elrond's forces could do to resist 'er.
For teaching me these things, I wish to express my gratitude,
Not to mention curtsying, bowing and tip-my-hat-itude.
I cheered at the discovery that Middle-Earth was the name of an alien planet,
And I particularly enjoyed the antics of the tenth member of the Fellowship, the fairer-than-Luthien elven daughter of Sauron, Mithoweniel Nightshade Tertullia Janet.
I applaud your use of punctuation
Which forces meaning to be left up to the reader's imagination.
Sentences like: I truly hate you Sauron said Arwen leaving the room
Encompass four or five possibilities of who is speaking and who is about to meet his doom.
Such imaginative flights
Lift my spirits to Olympian heights.
I also delight in your Shavian desire to spell words in whatever way you wish;
Your spelling is not unlike that of Shaw himself, who once said that G-H-O-T-I spells "fish."
The sheer minimalist simplicity of the sex scene in Sauron impregnates Glorfindel left me breathless beyond doubt--
I never would have dreamed of writing a pivotal scene of passion and seduction as "In out in out."
I found your handling of Glorfindel's pregnancy particularly fine.
I know of no woman alive who would not choose to be pregnant for two days rather than months totaling nine.
I wept with pleasure when Princess Arwen's rebellion was over and she married Legolas, who had promised to love her for the rest of her immortal life,
Especially when she instantly became the epitome of a 1950s sitcom housewife.
Truly, you have opened my eyes.
I must now kneel at the feet of one who is so surpassingly wise.
Your story was one that could not fail to impress.
I weep at such creativity as this, which I can never hope to possess.
I sob, I wail, I fling my unworthy self humbly at your glorious feet,
O blessed of the Muses, Raven Moonflower The Uber-Leet.
One piece of wisdom please impart, O Divine One, as the universe your praises rapturously sings:
Have you ever read a book called "Lord of the Rings"?
I'm writing you about your latest narrative, "Elros and Morgoth and Arwen's Afreet."
This tale was fascinating, indeed one might truly say it was beyond description,
And your skillful use of Netspeak was most educational as I scoured the Net for useful sites about decryption.
Your tale brought me knowledge and wisdom beyond compare---
I had never before realized how identical in meaning were "there," "their" and "they're."
I knew not that Elros was an elf or that Morgoth was good,
Or that Mirkwood and Rivendell occupied the very same neighborhood.
I had been under the misapprehension that Galadriel was Arwen's grandmother and not her twin sister,
And I did not know that Arwen led a rebellion against her father and that it was all Elrond's forces could do to resist 'er.
For teaching me these things, I wish to express my gratitude,
Not to mention curtsying, bowing and tip-my-hat-itude.
I cheered at the discovery that Middle-Earth was the name of an alien planet,
And I particularly enjoyed the antics of the tenth member of the Fellowship, the fairer-than-Luthien elven daughter of Sauron, Mithoweniel Nightshade Tertullia Janet.
I applaud your use of punctuation
Which forces meaning to be left up to the reader's imagination.
Sentences like: I truly hate you Sauron said Arwen leaving the room
Encompass four or five possibilities of who is speaking and who is about to meet his doom.
Such imaginative flights
Lift my spirits to Olympian heights.
I also delight in your Shavian desire to spell words in whatever way you wish;
Your spelling is not unlike that of Shaw himself, who once said that G-H-O-T-I spells "fish."
The sheer minimalist simplicity of the sex scene in Sauron impregnates Glorfindel left me breathless beyond doubt--
I never would have dreamed of writing a pivotal scene of passion and seduction as "In out in out."
I found your handling of Glorfindel's pregnancy particularly fine.
I know of no woman alive who would not choose to be pregnant for two days rather than months totaling nine.
I wept with pleasure when Princess Arwen's rebellion was over and she married Legolas, who had promised to love her for the rest of her immortal life,
Especially when she instantly became the epitome of a 1950s sitcom housewife.
Truly, you have opened my eyes.
I must now kneel at the feet of one who is so surpassingly wise.
Your story was one that could not fail to impress.
I weep at such creativity as this, which I can never hope to possess.
I sob, I wail, I fling my unworthy self humbly at your glorious feet,
O blessed of the Muses, Raven Moonflower The Uber-Leet.
One piece of wisdom please impart, O Divine One, as the universe your praises rapturously sings:
Have you ever read a book called "Lord of the Rings"?