Spoiler-Free Essay-Fic: The Patronus Method (Anonymous Death Eater, G)
Title: The Patronus Method
Rating: G
Word Count: 826
Summary: An anonymous Death Eater gives us the lowdown on the way that the members of the Order of the Phoenix communicate.
Author's Note: Written because of this answer to a question on JKR's website-- How Do the Members of the Order Communicate? I'm focusing solely on JKR's website answer, which she claims is found in (or backed by) Book 4.
SO THERE ARE NO SPOILERS FOR BOOK 6. NONE. NADA. ZIP. ZILCH.
***
If this were an essay, for school, like, it would be entitled "Why We, the Group Commonly Known as Death Eaters, Has Not Been Completely Wiped Out by the Order of the Phoenix." Because, let's face it, we're up against the laws of narrative causality and the pure dumb luck of the Potter kid. We should have been wiped out by the Order of the Phoenix ages ago...well.
If it wasn't for the Order of the Phoenix, that is.
'Strewth. The Order's the most impractical group in the wizarding world, and considering that most wizards react to logic as if it causes hay fever, that's saying a lot.
One of the things that's been the saving of us has their communications system. To be honest with you, it's pure shite.
It's not exactly a secret how they allegedly communicate. They use their Patronuses--well, we'd have said 'Patroni' when I was at school, but standards have dropped tragically since then--to send messages to each other.
Think about this for a minute.
A Patronus is a spirit guardian in the form of an animal. People who can cast Patroni are supposed to be really fucking rare--and they were, until dear ickle Harry decided to teach a whole bunch of fourth, fifth and sixth years, and at least one second-year, how to do it. Now I guess Patroni are in the category of "really hard spell that almost no adult wizard can do. Except for Aurors. And Dumbledore. And Snape. And Pettigrew. And every single member of an underground resistance organisation. And schoolkids, ages twelve to sixteen, in Dumbledore's Army. Aside from all those people, it's rare, do you understand, RARE."
Obviously this is some new and different definition of the word 'rare' with which I am not familiar.
Now, the thing about Patroni is that they are a) silent--so they can't talk--and b) noncorporeal. Young Harry's Scribe, she claims that 'a Patronus can also appear as a shapeless silver mist, but when cast correctly, it forms a "corporeal Patronus," which means it takes the form of an actual creature.' I shall have to send her a copy of the OED for her next birthday. 'Corporeal' does not mean having a form. 'Corporeal' means having a solid, physical body--and Patroni, whether they are mist or mammal, are not solid creatures. They pass through things. And, not being solid, they can't carry physical messages. Owls is more use, really. Granted, a member of the Order can conjure a Patronus--but what's the point? Yes, the other members of the Order would know who sent it, but they wouldn't know what message someone was trying to send. And the Patronus couldn't tell them.
That's not the only problem with this method, either. See, a Patronus is a defensive spell. They fight things like Dementors and Lethifolds. If they have nothing to fight, they fade. Fast. That's the way the spell works.
Can't you just picture the frustration of the Order members seeing a Patronus?
"Well, we saw three silvery thingies that might have been Patroni. Or ghosts. Or our eyes playing tricks in the moonlight. They didn't say anything and they faded before we could see what they was, so I guess three people in the Order--we've no clue who--was trying to contact us. For some reason. That might be completely casual. Or crucial to the success of the war. No idea. No pressure, really."
Brilliant, innit?
Now, Dumbledore, he likes this because he figures that Patroni are anti-Dark Arts--and of course, we in the Death Eaters are all about the Dark Arts. Why, Tarantallegra--which forces the victim's legs to do a crazy dance--is my absolute favourite Dark Arts spell of all time, and I for one was thrilled that spell was used against Harry Potter and his friends in the Department of Mysteries...but I digress.
He also likes the Patroni because they aren't hampered by physical barriers. Like I said before, noncorporeal. Which I really do think is more of a hindrance than a help.
He also claims that everyone's Patronus is unique, so there's never any doubt about who sent what, and that since no one can conjure another person's Patronus, obviously no false messages can be passed on.
I guess he's never heard of the Imperius Curse. You know, the spell that dissolves your will and makes you do whatever someone else says. The one that could be followed by a command to send your Patronus to the other members of the Order and lure them into a deadly trap.
One of the three Unforgivables that we Death Eaters is known to like, and to use.
Yeah. That spell.
So like I said--the Order of the Phoenix protects us from the Order of the Phoenix.
There's a certain elegance to that.
Now, if they would just protect us from the Potter boy's infernal luck as well...
Rating: G
Word Count: 826
Summary: An anonymous Death Eater gives us the lowdown on the way that the members of the Order of the Phoenix communicate.
Author's Note: Written because of this answer to a question on JKR's website-- How Do the Members of the Order Communicate? I'm focusing solely on JKR's website answer, which she claims is found in (or backed by) Book 4.
SO THERE ARE NO SPOILERS FOR BOOK 6. NONE. NADA. ZIP. ZILCH.
***
If this were an essay, for school, like, it would be entitled "Why We, the Group Commonly Known as Death Eaters, Has Not Been Completely Wiped Out by the Order of the Phoenix." Because, let's face it, we're up against the laws of narrative causality and the pure dumb luck of the Potter kid. We should have been wiped out by the Order of the Phoenix ages ago...well.
If it wasn't for the Order of the Phoenix, that is.
'Strewth. The Order's the most impractical group in the wizarding world, and considering that most wizards react to logic as if it causes hay fever, that's saying a lot.
One of the things that's been the saving of us has their communications system. To be honest with you, it's pure shite.
It's not exactly a secret how they allegedly communicate. They use their Patronuses--well, we'd have said 'Patroni' when I was at school, but standards have dropped tragically since then--to send messages to each other.
Think about this for a minute.
A Patronus is a spirit guardian in the form of an animal. People who can cast Patroni are supposed to be really fucking rare--and they were, until dear ickle Harry decided to teach a whole bunch of fourth, fifth and sixth years, and at least one second-year, how to do it. Now I guess Patroni are in the category of "really hard spell that almost no adult wizard can do. Except for Aurors. And Dumbledore. And Snape. And Pettigrew. And every single member of an underground resistance organisation. And schoolkids, ages twelve to sixteen, in Dumbledore's Army. Aside from all those people, it's rare, do you understand, RARE."
Obviously this is some new and different definition of the word 'rare' with which I am not familiar.
Now, the thing about Patroni is that they are a) silent--so they can't talk--and b) noncorporeal. Young Harry's Scribe, she claims that 'a Patronus can also appear as a shapeless silver mist, but when cast correctly, it forms a "corporeal Patronus," which means it takes the form of an actual creature.' I shall have to send her a copy of the OED for her next birthday. 'Corporeal' does not mean having a form. 'Corporeal' means having a solid, physical body--and Patroni, whether they are mist or mammal, are not solid creatures. They pass through things. And, not being solid, they can't carry physical messages. Owls is more use, really. Granted, a member of the Order can conjure a Patronus--but what's the point? Yes, the other members of the Order would know who sent it, but they wouldn't know what message someone was trying to send. And the Patronus couldn't tell them.
That's not the only problem with this method, either. See, a Patronus is a defensive spell. They fight things like Dementors and Lethifolds. If they have nothing to fight, they fade. Fast. That's the way the spell works.
Can't you just picture the frustration of the Order members seeing a Patronus?
"Well, we saw three silvery thingies that might have been Patroni. Or ghosts. Or our eyes playing tricks in the moonlight. They didn't say anything and they faded before we could see what they was, so I guess three people in the Order--we've no clue who--was trying to contact us. For some reason. That might be completely casual. Or crucial to the success of the war. No idea. No pressure, really."
Brilliant, innit?
Now, Dumbledore, he likes this because he figures that Patroni are anti-Dark Arts--and of course, we in the Death Eaters are all about the Dark Arts. Why, Tarantallegra--which forces the victim's legs to do a crazy dance--is my absolute favourite Dark Arts spell of all time, and I for one was thrilled that spell was used against Harry Potter and his friends in the Department of Mysteries...but I digress.
He also likes the Patroni because they aren't hampered by physical barriers. Like I said before, noncorporeal. Which I really do think is more of a hindrance than a help.
He also claims that everyone's Patronus is unique, so there's never any doubt about who sent what, and that since no one can conjure another person's Patronus, obviously no false messages can be passed on.
I guess he's never heard of the Imperius Curse. You know, the spell that dissolves your will and makes you do whatever someone else says. The one that could be followed by a command to send your Patronus to the other members of the Order and lure them into a deadly trap.
One of the three Unforgivables that we Death Eaters is known to like, and to use.
Yeah. That spell.
So like I said--the Order of the Phoenix protects us from the Order of the Phoenix.
There's a certain elegance to that.
Now, if they would just protect us from the Potter boy's infernal luck as well...