Two Filks--"I Am Sev'rus" and "Lord Voldemort"
Okay, I can explain this. Sort of.
The first one, "I Am Sev'rus," was written because underlucius took a quiz at Quizella--one of those "Which Wildly OOC Snape are YOU" deals. She got "Sexy Snape." Most of the rest of us got "Canon Snape."
I'm not really sure why I thought it would be a good idea to write a filk duet for Canon Snape and Sexy Snape. I just came up with the line, "I am Sev'rus, hear me snark"...and after that I couldn't stop.
The other one--"Lord Voldemort"--was written basically because I am certifiable. And because Dark Lords who keep frelling things up and getting away with it are ANNOYING.
I Am Sev'rus (To the tune of "I Am Woman")
Canon Snape:
I am Sev'rus, hear me snark,
As I stare at my Dark Mark
And lock the Dark Lord firmly from my mind.
Kids incompetent and lazy
Are all driving me quite crazy--
Swear I'll hit the next Gryff with Full-Body Bind.
[Chorus]
Oh, yes, I am wise,
But it's wisdom born of pain.
It's not worth the stress
That is sending me insane.
If I had to--
I might do anything!
I am strong (Strong!)
I am a greasy git (A greasy git!)
I am Sev'rus...
Sexy Snape:
I am sexy, I am gay
And the fans like me that way--
Picture me spread-eagled on a feather bed!
Every person, every creature
(Save that house-elf) has been featured
In my sexual escapades...or so it's said...
[Chorus]
Oh, yes, I am hot,
And seductive, and a dom.
Don't dare say I'm not,
For in bed I am da bomb!
If I have to,
I can do everyone!
I am sex! (Sex!)
I am quite passionate (Quite passionate!)
I am Sev'rus...
Canon Snape:
Go away now, you're not me,
You could never hope to be--
You're the kind of Gary Stu I've come to hate.
Sexy Snape:
Fans will go mad if they lack
Snupin, Snarry, Snucius, Snack--
And you can't destroy me now, it's far too late!
Canon Snape:
Oh, Merlin, I am doomed.
Sexy Snape:
You have been for quite a while.
Canon Snape:
How have things mushroomed?
Sexy Snape:
You're going down in style.
Canon Snape:
If I have to...I will slay JKR!
I am shrewd! (Shrewd)
Sexy Snape:
I am the god of sex! (The god of sex!)
Canon and Sexy Snape:
I am Sev'rus...
***
Lord Voldemort (to the tune of "Macavity" from Cats)
Lord Voldemort!
Lord Voldemort--the Darkest Lord. He's evil incarnate.
He's the terror of all wizards, the embodiment of hate.
Yet the Ministry swears he's not real, to Dumbledore's despair
For when they reach the scene of crime...Lord Voldemort's not there!
Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, there's no one like Lord Voldemort,
He violates all human law, commits each crime and civil tort.
His frequent resurrections make the Holy Father stare...
But once young Harry has appeared--Lord Voldemort's not there!
You may seek him 'neath a turban, with a basilisk perchance...
But Voldemort is leading his foes on a merry dance.
Lord Voldemort's an undead fiend. He's very tall and thin
With hands like whitish spiders and red eyes all sunken in.
His head looks like the ruined skull of some pre-history snake;
That helium-tinged speaking voice keeps Death Eaters awake.
He postures and pontificates--I'm sure you get the gist--
While most D.E.s pray that he'll read the famed Overlord List.
Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, there's no one like Lord Voldemort,
He fears no one but Dumbledore--and, perhaps, a toddler short.
You may see him in a graveyard, or a dream that brings a scare,
But once the trio dares appear…Lord Voldemort's not there!
He's outwardly still in control, despite twelve years of death,
Though the newspapers and Skeeter mock him with every breath.
But when the Aurors raid D.E.s or that Stone disappears,
Or a fang destroys a diary he's been lurking in for years,
When a prophecy is shattered, when each chance is past repair,
There's the wonder of the thing...Lord Voldemort's not there!
Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, there's no one like Lord Voldemort
His followers all fawn on him, they flatter and they pay him court
He excuses every failure--if a comment one should dare--
It's Potter's fault he didn't win! Besides, he wasn't there!
And they say that all Dark Wizards (there have always been a few)--
I might mention Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix or Pettigrew--
Are nothing more than agents...but this warning kindly heed:
Unlike the man who is their boss, they've been known to succeed.
Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, there's no one like Lord Voldemort,
He's the wizard's Willy Loman, two or three bricks of a load short.
He doesn't have the brains to win, by foul means or fair,
For once young Harry lifts his wand, Lord Voldemort,
Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort...
It's Potter's fault he didn't win! Besides, he wasn't there!
Lord Voldemort's not there!
The first one, "I Am Sev'rus," was written because underlucius took a quiz at Quizella--one of those "Which Wildly OOC Snape are YOU" deals. She got "Sexy Snape." Most of the rest of us got "Canon Snape."
I'm not really sure why I thought it would be a good idea to write a filk duet for Canon Snape and Sexy Snape. I just came up with the line, "I am Sev'rus, hear me snark"...and after that I couldn't stop.
The other one--"Lord Voldemort"--was written basically because I am certifiable. And because Dark Lords who keep frelling things up and getting away with it are ANNOYING.
I Am Sev'rus (To the tune of "I Am Woman")
Canon Snape:
I am Sev'rus, hear me snark,
As I stare at my Dark Mark
And lock the Dark Lord firmly from my mind.
Kids incompetent and lazy
Are all driving me quite crazy--
Swear I'll hit the next Gryff with Full-Body Bind.
[Chorus]
Oh, yes, I am wise,
But it's wisdom born of pain.
It's not worth the stress
That is sending me insane.
If I had to--
I might do anything!
I am strong (Strong!)
I am a greasy git (A greasy git!)
I am Sev'rus...
Sexy Snape:
I am sexy, I am gay
And the fans like me that way--
Picture me spread-eagled on a feather bed!
Every person, every creature
(Save that house-elf) has been featured
In my sexual escapades...or so it's said...
[Chorus]
Oh, yes, I am hot,
And seductive, and a dom.
Don't dare say I'm not,
For in bed I am da bomb!
If I have to,
I can do everyone!
I am sex! (Sex!)
I am quite passionate (Quite passionate!)
I am Sev'rus...
Canon Snape:
Go away now, you're not me,
You could never hope to be--
You're the kind of Gary Stu I've come to hate.
Sexy Snape:
Fans will go mad if they lack
Snupin, Snarry, Snucius, Snack--
And you can't destroy me now, it's far too late!
Canon Snape:
Oh, Merlin, I am doomed.
Sexy Snape:
You have been for quite a while.
Canon Snape:
How have things mushroomed?
Sexy Snape:
You're going down in style.
Canon Snape:
If I have to...I will slay JKR!
I am shrewd! (Shrewd)
Sexy Snape:
I am the god of sex! (The god of sex!)
Canon and Sexy Snape:
I am Sev'rus...
***
Lord Voldemort (to the tune of "Macavity" from Cats)
Lord Voldemort!
Lord Voldemort--the Darkest Lord. He's evil incarnate.
He's the terror of all wizards, the embodiment of hate.
Yet the Ministry swears he's not real, to Dumbledore's despair
For when they reach the scene of crime...Lord Voldemort's not there!
Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, there's no one like Lord Voldemort,
He violates all human law, commits each crime and civil tort.
His frequent resurrections make the Holy Father stare...
But once young Harry has appeared--Lord Voldemort's not there!
You may seek him 'neath a turban, with a basilisk perchance...
But Voldemort is leading his foes on a merry dance.
Lord Voldemort's an undead fiend. He's very tall and thin
With hands like whitish spiders and red eyes all sunken in.
His head looks like the ruined skull of some pre-history snake;
That helium-tinged speaking voice keeps Death Eaters awake.
He postures and pontificates--I'm sure you get the gist--
While most D.E.s pray that he'll read the famed Overlord List.
Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, there's no one like Lord Voldemort,
He fears no one but Dumbledore--and, perhaps, a toddler short.
You may see him in a graveyard, or a dream that brings a scare,
But once the trio dares appear…Lord Voldemort's not there!
He's outwardly still in control, despite twelve years of death,
Though the newspapers and Skeeter mock him with every breath.
But when the Aurors raid D.E.s or that Stone disappears,
Or a fang destroys a diary he's been lurking in for years,
When a prophecy is shattered, when each chance is past repair,
There's the wonder of the thing...Lord Voldemort's not there!
Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, there's no one like Lord Voldemort
His followers all fawn on him, they flatter and they pay him court
He excuses every failure--if a comment one should dare--
It's Potter's fault he didn't win! Besides, he wasn't there!
And they say that all Dark Wizards (there have always been a few)--
I might mention Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix or Pettigrew--
Are nothing more than agents...but this warning kindly heed:
Unlike the man who is their boss, they've been known to succeed.
Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, there's no one like Lord Voldemort,
He's the wizard's Willy Loman, two or three bricks of a load short.
He doesn't have the brains to win, by foul means or fair,
For once young Harry lifts his wand, Lord Voldemort,
Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort...
It's Potter's fault he didn't win! Besides, he wasn't there!
Lord Voldemort's not there!