Midlife Crisis at 22
I'm having a crisis.
Never mind that I'm in the middle of exams. I've picked the absolutely worst time possible to write in this thing, but I have to because I'm UPSET, and my state of mental well-being and self-satisfaction is in severe peril.
So:
I realized today that my life is completely meaningless.I feel like I have no purpose on this earth because I have not changed anything, and I'm never going to.
I think the problem is that I'm just SO non-confrontational that I've completely shunned away from everything in my life that has ever presented itself as a confrontation.
Let me explain.
I like to run, but I hate competing. As a result, I go for a "pleasant jog" by myself two or three times a week, at a very steady pace that has not changed one iota in over FIVE YEARS.
FIVE. YEARS.
I play the flute, but only recreationally. I joined the marching band in college, but only because there was no audition. I never practiced and ended up quitting my senior year because rehearsals were too long.
I have a "pretty voice" when I sing, but there's no way I could belt out like Mariah Carey or anything. I had potential, but I never took voice lessons, and I've even stopped doing it for fun.
I also like to write, but I never finish anything I start, and I get far too frustrated to attempt anything worthwhile.
I stopped going to church.
I don't make follow-up phone calls.
I procrastinate everything.
So you see what I'm saying???? I have no PASSION, no incredible talent that I've had to use along with sheer wit and cunning to drag myself out of the slums of the earth and overcome my dark past. I am mediocre to the core.. and, even worse, I'm not doing anything to try and change that. I'm just another useless piece of shit lazy American trying to live a pathetically normal life.
And I mean, what is "normal" anyway? It just means I want to do exactly what everybody else is doing. So how can I "make a difference" when I'm trying to avoid anything that's different?
I'm such a go-with-the-flow kind of person that I've dropped the paddles, and I'm not even steering my own boat anymore.
So what do I do?
Ultimately, I think one of two things can possibly happen:
1. Inspired by this realization, I will drastically change my life... set the world record marathon time, take up the flute again and practice until I'm a professional, perform three miracles and become canonized, and find the cure for cancer.
...In other words, not particularly likely.
Or...
2. Change nothing, amount to nothing, accomplish nothing. Die completely alone, surrounded by cats and abandoned by all my friends because I NEVER CALL.
So that is why I have this dilemma. I've discovered that I have nothing to show for in my life, and who the hell can study with that in mind???
Never mind that I'm in the middle of exams. I've picked the absolutely worst time possible to write in this thing, but I have to because I'm UPSET, and my state of mental well-being and self-satisfaction is in severe peril.
So:
I realized today that my life is completely meaningless.I feel like I have no purpose on this earth because I have not changed anything, and I'm never going to.
I think the problem is that I'm just SO non-confrontational that I've completely shunned away from everything in my life that has ever presented itself as a confrontation.
Let me explain.
I like to run, but I hate competing. As a result, I go for a "pleasant jog" by myself two or three times a week, at a very steady pace that has not changed one iota in over FIVE YEARS.
FIVE. YEARS.
I play the flute, but only recreationally. I joined the marching band in college, but only because there was no audition. I never practiced and ended up quitting my senior year because rehearsals were too long.
I have a "pretty voice" when I sing, but there's no way I could belt out like Mariah Carey or anything. I had potential, but I never took voice lessons, and I've even stopped doing it for fun.
I also like to write, but I never finish anything I start, and I get far too frustrated to attempt anything worthwhile.
I stopped going to church.
I don't make follow-up phone calls.
I procrastinate everything.
So you see what I'm saying???? I have no PASSION, no incredible talent that I've had to use along with sheer wit and cunning to drag myself out of the slums of the earth and overcome my dark past. I am mediocre to the core.. and, even worse, I'm not doing anything to try and change that. I'm just another useless piece of shit lazy American trying to live a pathetically normal life.
And I mean, what is "normal" anyway? It just means I want to do exactly what everybody else is doing. So how can I "make a difference" when I'm trying to avoid anything that's different?
I'm such a go-with-the-flow kind of person that I've dropped the paddles, and I'm not even steering my own boat anymore.
So what do I do?
Ultimately, I think one of two things can possibly happen:
1. Inspired by this realization, I will drastically change my life... set the world record marathon time, take up the flute again and practice until I'm a professional, perform three miracles and become canonized, and find the cure for cancer.
...In other words, not particularly likely.
Or...
2. Change nothing, amount to nothing, accomplish nothing. Die completely alone, surrounded by cats and abandoned by all my friends because I NEVER CALL.
So that is why I have this dilemma. I've discovered that I have nothing to show for in my life, and who the hell can study with that in mind???