The Twelve Steps of Writing Sick!Wilson Fan Fiction (parody)
Category: Humor
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: The House universe belongs to David Shore and a bunch of nice legal entities, who hopefully won't mind if I borrow a particular character for the sake of a cheap thrill.
Acknowledgments: Thanks to the always amazing silja_b for the beta!
Author's notes: In honor of Sick!Wilson's 300 member milestone, I've prepared a bit of silliness to help celebrate the occasion. This was inspired by The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and adapted from a little something I wrote for another fandom several years ago. It's merely a parody of my own warped imagination, and is in no way intended as any kind of official writing guide, or requirement for posting fics to sick_wilson. Of course, if you'd like to write a story based on any of these ideas, that would be great!
The Twelve Steps
of Writing Sick!Wilson Fan Fiction
We admit that we are powerless over our addiction to sick!Wilson fan fiction, and although we may often neglect our personal and professional responsibilities while we indulge in this guilty pleasure, we have no desire to seek help for our affliction. Yea, we even encourage others to appreciate and contribute to this glorious literary genre. Therefore, it is in this spirit that we offer our 12-step program for writing sick!Wilson fics.
- Decide what type of injury and/or illness you want to inflict upon our favorite oncologist. Be creative. The adult human body includes approximately 206 bones, 3 types of muscle tissue, 11 organ systems, 31 bilaterally-paired spinal nerves, about 210 cell types, and all sorts of other goodies that can be abused. The possibilities boggle the mind.
- Don't underestimate the sick!Wilson potential of minor injuries and/or symptoms. A simple paper cut from opening an envelope could provide an entry point for flesh-eating bacteria, a mosquito bite could lead to severe brain inflammation from West Nile virus, an annoying cough could indicate the onset of a drug-resistant form of tuberculosis, or a persistent headache could be the first manifestation of a brain tumor or aneurysm.
- Make sure that Wilson doesn't seek medical help right away. Keep him in denial, or have him conceal his symptoms until the consequences are dire. Early intervention could result in a quick, unremarkable recovery, and cause the reader to develop a severe case of sick!Wilson fictus interruptus-a condition characterized by extreme frustration and disappointment at having been deprived of a bunch of really cool medical stuff and angst.
- Have Wilson's problem become apparent in a dramatic way, preferably one that results in some kind of injury or complication. For example, if Wilson suddenly gasps and doubles over in pain from an acute onset of appendicitis, there's no reason why he can't fall and hit his head, causing a massive subdural hematoma.
- Stick as many tubes and needles in our adorkably sick patient as possible. Not only are they uncomfortable (and in some cases, embarrassing!), they can provide a nice breeding ground for bacteria to grow and thrive, leading to some rather wicked infections. *veg*
- If the nature of Wilson's illness isn't immediately obvious, please feel free to subject him to as many tests as your little sick!Wilson heart desires-the more invasive, the better. After all, any diagnostic procedure that requires informed consent carries some degree of risk. Wilson could suffer from a pneumothorax after a lung biopsy, or develop an anaphylactic reaction to the CT contrast dye, requiring the skills of a professional defibrillist. And if all else fails, stick him in the MRI of Doom! where something bad always seems to happen.
- Never administer an injection into Wilson's IV when you can give it to him intramuscularly, preferably in his gluteus maximus. It may be argued that it's not medically necessary, but why pass up the opportunity to give your reader a cheap thrill at the very thought of nekkid Wilson!butt?
- Include at least one complication per fic, even if it's not directly related to the illness and/or injury that landed Wilson in the hospital in the first place. He could suffer from an allergic reaction to a medication, aspirate a blob of Jell-O and develop pneumonia, contract E. coli from undercooked hamburger meat, go into cardiac arrest during a stress test, etc.
- If Wilson is suffering from a fever, it should eventually become high enough to make him delirious, and thus justify the need for restraints. The mental image of Wilson all slick with sweat, writhing and moaning...uh, there really was going to be a point to that train of thought somewhere...
- Don't discharge Wilson from the hospital as soon as his condition begins to improve. Yes, this might be deemed impractical in this current era of HMOs and other forms of managed health care, but how many times have we suspended belief when the show's writers took considerable dramatic license for the sake of an interesting plot? Besides, the longer he's stuck in a hospital bed, the greater the chances that he'll succumb to a hospital-acquired staph infection, which could lead to sepsis-a life-threatening condition that could result in multiple organ failure and circulatory collapse, and require that Wilson be placed on a ventilator, subjected to hemodialysis, total parenteral nutrition, and possibly several transfusions of blood products. O frabjous day!
- When Wilson is finally well enough to go home, have him stay with House for a week or so-where further hazards may await. He could get sick from food well past its expiration date, or trip over a pair of sneakers that House thoughtlessly left lying in the middle of the floor, causing Wilson to tear the cartilage in his knee as he twists and falls.
- If you still can't think of anything to write about, check out sick_wilson's Diagnosis prompts/tags table, Adopt-a-Plot-Bunny Program, or post a message asking for help. Your fellow sick!Wilson addicts will be more than happy to provide plenty of diabolical suggestions inspiration.