Fic: Expiration Date (Part 4)
Title: Expiration Date
Author/Artist: GeekSlave
Pairing(s): Arthur/Merlin, Ganieda (OFC)/Gwaine, Lancelot/Gwen
Characters: Merlin, Arthur, Gwaine, Ganieda (OFC), Gwen, Lancelot, Gaius, Uther, Kilgarrah
Word Count: 35,554
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Just before receiving vital treatment for cancer, Arthur meets Merlin and his life is turned upside down when one night with Merlin results in an unforeseen pregnancy. To protect the baby, Arthur refuses the treatment.
Disclaimer: Merlin characters are the property of Shine and BBC. No profit is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.
Warnings: Mpreg, angst, lots of talk of cancer, fluff.
Notes: Written for the merlinmpreg fest. Special thanks to my beta dustfinger223. I'm not a doctor just play one while writing fic. :) I did a lot of research, but I'm sure I didn't get everything right.
Part 3
Merlin held on to Arthur’s hand tightly. “What about Anna?”
Arthur moved slowly, trying to balance himself on the skates. It took some convincing, but he’d gotten Merlin agree to teach him how to skate, but Merlin was insistent on being by his side the entire time. It made learning and getting his bearings on the skates a bit harder, but it would just take some time, once Merlin was sure that Arthur wouldn’t fall on his arse, or worse, on his stomach, he would be willing to let go a little. To pass the time, they had gotten started on trying to pick a name. They’d already nixed Anwen, Morgana, Ellen, Enid, Wendy, and Cordelia.
Arthur shook his head. “Anna makes me think of “Anna Karenina” and I hated that book.”
Merlin rolled his eyes. “That’s not arbitrary at all.”
“Says the man who nixed Cordelia because he didn’t like the character from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. Merlin moved a little and Arthur was able to move a little easier and faster on the skates. “I think I’m getting better.”
Merlin nodded. “I think we should stop in another five minutes.”
“But I think I’m hitting my stride.”
“We’ll come back tomorrow.” Merlin assured him.
Arthur nodded.
“What about Ariana?” Merlin suggested getting back to the topic of baby names.
Arthur considered it. After a few moments, he nodded. “That could definitely make the top five.”
Merlin smiled. His cell phone buzzed. He fished his phone out of his pocket. “Hello.”
“Is this Merlin Emrys?” A man with a gravelly voice asked.
“Yes. Who’s this?”
“Professor John Kilgarrah.”
“Oh.” Merlin quickly led Arthur over to a bench in the park and sat a heavily breathing, Arthur down. He’d called Professor a couple of times since Ganieda had given him the number, but he had never picked up the phone nor returned Merlin’s messages. He walked a few feet away from Arthur. “Thank you for returning my call.” Finally, he thought.
“I have a few moments now, if you wish to speak with me.” He announced, dispensing with any pleasantries.
“Now?”
“I was given the impression that this was important.”
“It is.” Merlin looked at Arthur. “Do you still have the same offices at the university?”
“That is correct.”
“Alright. I will be there in a half an hour.”
“Very well.” The professor quickly hung up.
“This is going to be fun.” Merlin mumbled. He walked back over to Arthur. “Professor Kilgarrah finally called me back. He wants me to meet him at his office.”
Arthur nodded and started to take his skates off. Merlin rushed to help him. “Is he going to explain things about your magic?”
“I hope so.” Merlin wiped some sweat from Arthur’s brow and then they headed back to the car.
~*~
Merlin cursed as he looked at the clock on his phone. It was forty minutes since he had last spoken to the professor. He hoped the professor wouldn’t be too upset about his tardiness. He had tried getting there as fast as he could, but for some reason traffic was horribly busy for a Wednesday afternoon. He knocked uneasily on Dr. Kilgarrah’s door. He heard the door unlock. “Dr. Kilgarrah?” He called out questioningly through the door. “My name’s...
“Merlin. Yes, I know. You may enter.”
Merlin walked in slowly. There was a man with gray hair, somewhat wild, sitting at the desk. He didn’t look up as Merlin entered the room further. “Uh...I’m sorry I was late. Traffic was...” He trailed off, sensing the man wasn’t interested in excuses. “I’m Ganieda’s brother.”
The professor finally looked up and scrutinized Merlin, to the point that Merlin began to squirm in discomfort. “I can see a lot of Ganieda in you. I can also sense a powerful magic.”
“You can sense my magic?”
“Yes.” Kilgarrah motioned for Merlin to sit in the chair opposite him.
Merlin sat down. “How can you sense it? Do you have magic?”
“No. But I’ve made it my business to understand everything I can about magic. People with magic give off a certain aura, that anyone can sense if they pay attention.”
“Oh.” Merlin nodded. There was something about the man’s stare that made him anxious, like he knew things about Merlin that Merlin didn’t. “I’ve looked up as much as I can about magic, but there’s so much I don’t know. I have so many questions.”
The professor nodded sagely. “I don’t know how much help I can provide, but I will try my best.”
“Thank you.” Merlin sighed. “My boyfriend is pregnant and we don’t know if the baby has magic. He has cancer and he told me that he thinks the baby’s keeping him alive and I don’t know if that’s possible. I’ve had magic ever since I can remember.
“Your baby will have magic, but he -
“It’s a girl.” Merlin interrupted.
Kilgarrah continued as if uninterrupted. “The child does not have access to his, excuse me, herpowers in the womb. She will come into her powers when she is born. She does not have the power to heal your mate at this time.”
“Is there anyone who can? I’ve tried to find spell books and tried all the spells I could. But nothing has worked.”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you how to heal him. If I knew that, I would be a rich man.” The professor lips curled almost imperceptibly. Merlin assumed that was what passed for a smile with him.
Merlin sighed heavily.
“The only thing I can tell you is it would take a greater power than you alone possess to heal his affliction.”
“So, it’s not impossible? Do you think there is a way to save him magically?”
Professor Kilgarrah leaned forward. “I believe anything is possible.”
Merlin looked up and shook his head. It was a nice sentiment, but not exactly helpful. Before Merlin could ask anything else, his phone buzzing interrupted him. “What?” He almost yelled into the phone. “
“Merlin, you need to get to the hospital” Ganieda said softly, but urgently. “It’s Arthur.”
Merlin shot up, breathing faster. “It can’t be labor. It’s too soon.”
“He’s not in labor. He had trouble breathing. I think he’s going to be ok, but you need to get here.” He hung up the phone absent-mindedly and raced towards the door. Ganieda sounded exactly the same way after their mother became sick. Before he left, he turned back to Kilgarrah. “Thank you.”
~*~
By the time Merlin made it to the hospital, a dozen worst case scenarios had gone through Merlin’s mind. He burst through the hospital doors, and frantically asked the receptionist for Arthur Pendragon’s room. She said without proof he was family, she couldn’t tell him anything. Merlin was close to making a scene, when Ganieda came down. She grabbed Merlin’s hand. “Come on.”
“Ganieda, what happened?” Merlin asked as they stepped in the elevator.
“Arthur seemed fine when he got back from skating.” Merlin nodded. “But he looked uncomfortable, but when I asked he said nothing was wrong. He was nauseous. Then a few minutes later, he said that he was having trouble breathing. I didn’t know what to do, so I drove him here.”
“That was good. You don’t want to take any chances.”
They stepped off the elevator and Ganieda led him to the waiting area. “The doctors are with him now.”
“Did you call Dr. Emerson?” Merlin asked.
Ganieda shook her head. “I didn’t think about it.”
Merlin took out his phone to call Gaius. “Hello, can I speak to Dr. Emerson, please?”
Arthur’s doctor came out then. Ganieda tugged on Merlin’s shirt to get his attention. They both walked over to him. Merlin hung up before he could speak with Gaius. “How is he?” Merlin asked immediately.
The blonde doctor looked to Ganieda. “This is my brother, Merlin. He’s Arthur’s boyfriend and the baby’s other father.”
“Hello. I’m Dr. Knight. Arthur was asking for you.” He said to Merlin. “He’s doing fine now. His breathing is back to normal, but given his cancer and the pregnancy we want to keep him overnight and run some tests and see what caused the problem.”
Merlin shook his hand. “Thank you, doctor.” Merlin rushed past him and walked into Arthur’s room. As he soon as Arthur saw him, he put a smile on his face that didn’t quite reach his eyes. When Merlin got to Arthur’s bed, he kissed him softly. Merlin grabbed a chair and sat down, clutching Arthur’s hand. “You scared me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize, just don’t do it again.”
Arthur shook his head. “I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try.”
“Do you think perhaps we pushed it a little hard with the skating today?” Merlin asked, already beating himself up for giving in to Arthur’s request.
Arthur bit his lip and looked down. “I don’t think that’s it.”
Merlin looked at him worriedly. “What do you think it is?”
Arthur shrugged. “I’m not sure. It’s possible that the medication has stopped working.”
Merlin swallowed, and then nodded before speaking. “That’s alright.” Arthur looked at him sharply. “Wasn’t the medication just supposed to be temporary until you started chemo in your third trimester?”
“It’s not ok, Merlin.” Arthur snapped. He sighed. “Sorry. Chemo was never decided on. We still have to talk about it with Gaius, figure out what’s best for the baby.”
“If chemo is your only option, there’s not much to discuss. Gaius said that the risk to the baby is minimal.”
“Minimal isn’t good enough.” Arthur argued.
“So what are you saying Arthur? Are you just going to do nothing?”
“I never said that.” Arthur put his head in his hands.
Merlin took a deep breath. He could see that he was stressing Arthur out and he didn’t want to put any more pressure on him. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Arthur. We’ll figure this out. I’m going to call Dr. Emerson and we’ll figure this out.”
~*~
The next day, Arthur was getting his things together as he was waiting for Merlin to finish signing him out. They had spoken to Dr. Emerson that morning. He had gone over Arthur’s tests with Dr. Knight and they confirmed what Arthur feared - that the drugs were no longer working. Arthur made an appointment with Gaius for the next day to see what their next step would be. Arthur was dreading it. There was a knock on the door. “Come in.” The door opened and when Arthur turned around, he gaped at his visitor. “Father?”
Uther walked further into the room without invitation. “Hello, son. How are you?”
Arthur chuckled mirthlessly. “Are you serious? ‘Hello, son. How are you?’ You threw me out of the house, while I’m pregnant. You haven’t seen me in months and those are your first words to me?”
Uther sighed. “I’m sorry. I know I didn’t handle things well.”
Arthur nodded. “That’s an understatement.” Arthur turned his back on Uther. “What are you doing here?”
“I heard that you were in the hospital.”
Arthur turned back to look at him. “How did you know that?”
“I’ve had someone keeping an eye on you. You’re my son, Arthur. No matter what happened, I care what happens to you...and your child.” Uther answered.
Arthur recoiled in shock. “You care about my child? You called it a thing and said you would never accept it.”
“I was angry, Arthur, and I overreacted. I can’t say that I’m happy about the circumstances in which my grandchild came to be, but I do want to be a part of its life.”
“Even though it may have magic?”
Uther paused briefly before answering. “Yes.”
Arthur crossed his arms in front of his chest, still very wary of his father and his apology. “It’s a girl.” He tried to gauge whether Uther was disappointed that the baby was a girl, no boy to extend the Pendragon line. But Uther actually smiled.
“That’s wonderful. It’ll be a nice change to have a woman in the family.” Uther approached Arthur. Arthur, I was hoping that you would consider coming back home. I think that would be best for my granddaughter. You could have the best care possible and help with raising the baby.”
“Father, I can’t move back. I have my own family now, with Merlin.”
Uther pursed his lips and look down, before pacing to the other side of the room. “Arthur, I understand that men your age like to experiment...sexually.” Uther finished awkwardly. “But one mistake does not make this man family.”
“It wasn’t a mistake. I am gay, father. And I am in love with Merlin. He has been there for me when you haven’t. I’m not going to cut him out of my life or our daughter’s life. If you can’t accept that, then there’s nothing more to say.”
Uther strode over to Arthur. “That man is not your family. I am. If something happens to you, he cannot be trusted to take care of that child. You have no idea what those people are capable of.”
Arthur saw Merlin walk in just before Uther finished his rant. Uther heard the door shut, behind him and turned around.
“Am I interrupting something?” Merlin asked.
Arthur shook his head. “No.” He walked past a sputtering Uther. “Nothing’s changed.” He grabbed Merlin’s hand and started to walk out. He turned briefly, wanting to say something, reach out to his father in some way, but couldn’t see the point.
~*~
Arthur opened one eye and looked over at Ganieda. She was still sitting serenely with her legs crossed and eyes closed. Arthur regretted letting her talk into trying meditation. There was no hope of him clearing his mind and relaxing with the baby trying to kick its way out of his abdomen and his back felt as if it was being pricked slowly with sharp knives. He placed his hand on his ever expanding belly and took a deep breath. “May I please get up? I think I’ve put up this rubbish as long as I can. I’m not about to find my happy place any time soon.” Ever since Arthur’s talk with Uther, he had started to become sullen and withdrawn. And as his third trimester began, his pregnancy symptoms worsened.
“Gaius said you need to do some light exercise.” Ganieda replied, not opening her eyes.
“Yes, and he also said I need plenty of rest.” Arthur uncrossed his legs and got up with some difficulty. “So if you don’t mind I’m going to my room and sleeping for a week.
When Arthur got to his and Merlin’s room, he crawled slowly onto the bed, groaning as the cool sheets touched his body. He rolled onto his back. He closed his eyes for a few minutes, but he couldn’t get to sleep. He opened his eyes and pushed himself up, to sit against the headboard. He took a look around the room. Various pieces of clothing were strewn about the room. Merlin was an absolute slob Arthur was normally very neat, but he was far too tired lately to care where his clothes landed.
It was a moderately sized room, but there was room for little beyond the Queen-sized bed, dresser and two end tables. Arthur was very grateful to Ganieda and Gwaine for opening their home to him, but they needed something bigger for the baby. Arthur and Merlin had discussed it. The main thing keeping them there was money. Arthur’s mother had left him money in a trust but he wouldn’t be able to take control of it until he was 25. The only way he could access it now was through his father, and there was no way Uther would allow that. He wasn’t about to beg his father for help. Merlin had actually managed to get a job as Dr. Kilgarrah’s assistant. It wasn’t a particularly high paying job, but he always had interesting stories to tell. Gwaine and Ganieda had offered to help. They were living fairly comfortably. Ganieda had her own shop as a local psychic and had a decent stream of customers. And Gwaine’s family was well off, even though Gwaine shied away from taking their money.
A part of Arthur, a part he tried to squelch down as much as he could, felt that thinking about moving, or anything to do with his future was a moot point. He had spoken with Gaius about what his options were for treatment. Gaius was adamant that chemotherapy was Arthur’s best option for right now. Arthur wanted to wait a little longer and put off making a final decision. Merlin was trying his best to be supportive, but Arthur knew how anxious he was for Arthur to decide.
When Merlin came home, he climbed into bed with Arthur, wrapping himself around Arthur, touching his belly. He kissed the back of Arthur’s neck tenderly. “How’s my favorite pair doing?”
“Horrible. I don’t think your daughter knows what she wants and it’s driving me crazy. I’m tired all the time, but I can’t sleep. I’m hungry, but can barely eat because I’m nauseous.”
Merlin kissed the top of his head. “It’ll all be over soon.”
Arthur inwardly cringed at Merlin’s choice of words. He turned to face Merlin. ‘I want to leave.”
“You want to leave?” Merlin bit his lip. “Do you want to go out tonight?”
“No. I meant I want to go somewhere with you. Out of town.”
Merlin sat up slightly. “What brought this on?”
Arthur sighed. “I just want to go somewhere with you, away from this, where we can just relax for a minute. So I can clear my mind and be able to think.”
“Arthur...” Merlin bit his lip. “I don’t think it’s a good idea, for a lot of reasons. You’re seven months pregnant. What would happen if you went into labor? We don’t really have a lot of money. I just started working at a new job. And where would we go anyway?”
Arthur sat up fully. We don’t have to go far. One of the things on my list is taking a road trip. We can take the car and not go too far. I’m sure there’d be doctors wherever we went. We stay at a cheap hotel, well somewhat cheap. You can make up some excuse with the professor. And where we go?” Arthur paused. “You think of something. I’ve thought of everything else.”
Merlin rolled his eyes. “You’re unbelievable.” He rubbed the back of his neck, thinking it over. “I did want to go to Ealdor and visit my mum’s grave and tell her about the baby.”
Arthur squeezed his hand. “That sounds like a good idea.”
“I can’t believe I’m thinking about this. We’d have to be back quickly. I don’t like the idea of you being away from Dr. Emerson right now.
“We can be back in a couple of days.. This’ll be good for me, for us, I promise.” Arthur nibbled at Merlin’s ear. “Please, please say yes.”
“I don’t know...” Arthur licked the shell of Merlin’s ear. Merlin closed his eyes and groaned. “Alright.” He gently rolled Arthur onto his back. “Now what do I get in return?”
“My gratitude?” Arthur said haltingly. Merlin leaned down and started kissing Arthur’s neck. Arthur pushed Merlin back a little. “I’m sorry. I’m not really in the mood.”
Merlin rolled away with a long sigh. “That’s alright”
“I could give you a lazy blowjob.”
Merlin clasped his hands together, twiddling his thumbs. “No, thanks. I’d rather avoid the choking hazard of you falling asleep in my crotch...again.” He sighed. “I really miss that phase of your pregnancy when you were hornier than a horde of rabbits on viagra.”
Arthur burst out laughing, turning into Merlin’s shoulder. Merlin chuckled lightly. After his laughter subsided, Arthur looked up at Merlin. “You and me both.”
~*~
A couple of days later they headed out on the road. Merlin had invited Ganieda and Gwaine to come along, but Ganieda declined. She was never comfortable visiting their mother’s grave, preferring not to think of their mother’s remains in the ground, choosing her own way to commune with their mother’s spirit. They packed lightly, only planning to be away for two days.
It was a three hour trip. For the first half hour, they didn’t speak. The only sound inside the car was the squeaking of the leather seats as Arthur slept fitfully, unable to get comfortable. Finally he gave up on sleep and stared out the window. Merlin looked over and sighed. “We could try playing the “I spy…” game.”
Arthur scrunched up his nose. “What’s that?”
“You look out the window and say out loud something that you see. Like, ‘I spy two cows.”
Arthur looked puzzled. “That doesn’t sound very fun. And I don’t know why it would be called a game, there’s very little skill involved.”
Merlin rolled his eyes. “It’s just something to do. My mum used to have us do it on long car rides.”
Arthur gazed out the window again, and then turned back to Merlin. “You talk about your mum a lot, but never say anything about your father.”
Merlin shrugged. “There’s not much to tell. Never knew him.”
“What happened to him?”
Merlin pursed his lips before speaking. “He wanted to be able to better provide for my mum, my sister, and me. He wasn’t finding any work in Ealdor so he left. He got a job in London working as a chauffeur. One day he was going home and was robbed at knife point. He fought back and was killed. He died…alone. My mum didn’t even find out until two days later.”
Arthur squeezed Merlin’s thigh. “I’m sorry.”
Merlin smiled wanly at him. “Mum didn’t talk about him often. But she showed me pictures of them. They were really happy. I look like him. Mum said I was stubborn like him.” Arthur nodded. “He was a very quiet man and kind.”
“I’m sorry you never got to know him, Merlin.”
Merlin shook his head. “I missed not having him around, but I had my mum and my sister. I was never lonely.”
“You’re lucky that your mum at least talked about him.” Arthur caressed his belly absent-mindedly.
“Your father really told you nothing about your mother?”
“Very little. When I was ten, I found this photograph of her playing the piano. I showed it to him and he told me that she was a very good player. She won a few competitions and really could have been a professional. So I asked him to let me take lessons. I don’t think I was ever really good, but when I played I always pictured her playing, and it was the only thing that made me feel close to her.”
Merlin smiled. “What kind of music did you play?
Arthur looked down somewhat sheepishly. “It’s a little bit odd, but I was kind of going through an Elvis phase...”
Merlin quirked an eyebrow at him. “Really? I would never have pictured it.”
“Well he was the king.”
Merlin smiled broadly. “Right. And who wouldn’t want to be the king?” They both laughed. “Do you think you can teach our daughter how to play?”
Arthur shrugged. “I don’t think so. I’m not really a great teacher.”
Merlin chuckled. “So is it going to be up to me to teach her everything?”
“Maybe.” Arthur answered simply. “You might not have a choice.” He finished quietly.
Merlin gripped the steering wheel tighter. “You can’t think like that.”
Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn’t want to take his frustrations out on Merlin. “Look, Merlin, I know that you’re trying to be helpful but positive thinking is not going to help in this situation. I’m not getting any better.”
“You were. The drugs were working and Gaius said the chemo could help. You have three more months, and then after the baby is born, if the chemo doesn’t work, you can do the treatment you were supposed to before you got pregnant. I know you feel tired and horrible because of the pregnancy-
“Goddammit, Merlin! It’s not about the pregnancy! I have fucking cancer!” Arthur yelled. “Do you not get that? This isn’t something that I’ve been dealing with for a few months. I’ve been dealing with this for years. And I am...” He stopped and took a quivering breath. “I’m tired. Do you know that every night I am terrified to close my eyes because I’m afraid that I’ll never wake up again? It feels like I’m constantly struggling to stay alive and I’m just tired, Merlin. I don’t think I can do it anymore.”
Merlin slowly pulled the car over. He stared straight ahead. “What are you saying, Arthur?”
Arthur took a couple of deep breaths and exhaled slowly. “I don’t want to do the chemotherapy.”
Merlin didn’t say anything or look at Arthur. Arthur looked over at Merlin apprehensively. Merlin opened the car door suddenly and walked out, slamming the door behind him. Arthur was caught off guard and took a few seconds to respond. He followed Merlin out. They had stopped beside a barren field of partially dead grass. Merlin walked quickly away from the car and stopped in the middle of the field. He bent over and stuck his head between his knees.
Arthur caught up with him and stopped a few feet away. “Merlin?” He called out tentatively.
Merlin slowly stood up. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Arthur. I feel like I’m supposed to be supportive and tell you this is ok. It’s your body, your life, so you get to decide what to do with it. But I can’t.” He turned to look at Arthur. “This isn’t just your life anymore, Arthur. We’re supposed to be a family. How can you just give up like this?”
“That’s not fair. I have fought every day. And I am still fighting. I’m just fighting for her now.” Arthur clutched his belly.
“You think I don’t care about our daughter? Of course I want her to be as safe as possible. But this isn’t the way. What am I supposed to do without you, Arthur? What am I supposed to tell our daughter? ‘Sorry your other father couldn’t be here. He got too tired to fight and be here for you.’” Merlin wiped furiously at the tears beginning to fall. “And what about me? You said that you loved me. But now you want to leave me just like almost everyone else in my life.”
Arthur walked over to Merlin, reaching out for him. Merlin backed away, putting his hand up. Arthur stopped in his tracks. “I’m sorry.”
Merlin laughed bitterly. “That really helps.” He looked around and shook his head. He wanted to hit something, preferably Arthur. But he didn’t want to hurt him, at least not physically. “What is this trip even supposed to be about? Is going to my mother’s grave supposed to be practice for saying good-bye to you? The big difference being my mum actually fought until her last breath to be with her family.”
“Merlin-
“Don’t! Don’t say a word, Arthur. I don’t want to hear anything else. You’ve made your choice, now I have to make mine.” He walked back to the car, not sparing Arthur another glance.
The rest of the way to the hotel was filled with silence. Arthur couldn’t bear to look at Merlin and see the hurt and anger etched in Merlin’s features. Merlin stared ahead robotically, barely blinking. He couldn’t think of anything but just getting to the hotel, going to sleep, and putting this miserable day behind on. Not that the thought of visiting his mother’s grave the next day made him feel any better. As soon as they got to the hotel and was handed the key, Merlin snatched it and broke land speed records getting to their room and leaving Arthur to finish checking them in.
It was still light out, but Arthur found Merlin asleep, or at least had his eyes closed, on the couch in the alcove. They had planned for Merlin to show him around Ealdor, but he assumed that was off. Arthur had the bed to himself all night, but didn’t sleep a wink.
~*~
The next morning, Arthur woke up to the smell of sausage, eggs, and hash browns. When he opened his eyes there was a tray full of food beside him - but no Merlin. There was no sign of him. Arthur ate and washed up. When he was done Merlin was back. He glanced at him briefly when he came out of the bathroom, but still said nothing. After getting dressed and still not a word from Merlin, Arthur sighed and walked over to him. “Are you ever going to say anything to me again? Believe it or not, I miss your idle chatter.” Arthur joked weakly.
Merlin grabbed his keys and headed for the door. He turned slightly to Arthur. “Are you still coming?”
Arthur didn’t think Merlin would still want him there at the cemetery. He was a little startled, but quickly nodded. “Yes.”
It was a short trip to Avalon cemetery. Merlin parked the car. He gathered the orchids he’d brought, his mum’s favorite. Arthur could tell that Merlin was a little shaky. He wanted desperately to be right there with Merlin, offering him comfort, but any overture from him wouldn’t be welcome now. He decided not to wait in the car, but stood a few feet away. If Merlin needed him, he would come to him.
Merlin crouched down at the grave and put the flowers on the flat gray marble marker. “Hi, mum. I’m sorry I haven’t come sooner. I’m sorry Gan isn’t here either. She sends her love. Well not exactly. She doesn’t really see the point in coming here. ‘If I want to talk to her, I’ll just hold a séance so I can actually talk to her.’” He laughed. “You know how she is.” He sat down on the ground and tried to get more comfortable. “It’s still really hard to think of you being here. I mean I know you’re not really here, but...” He shook his head. “Sorry, I’m not making any sense.” He smiled sadly. “Though you would probably understand. You were always the one person in my life that understood me no matter how much I didn’t make sense. And I think I spent most of my life not making sense. And it wasn’t just because of my magic. I never fit in with any of the other kids. I was just this tall, gangly weirdo with Dumbo ears, who spent most of his time living in his own head rather than on Earth. You always said it was ok that I was different. ‘I wouldn’t have it any other way.’ And you were always so patient with me. I don’t know any other mothers who would have starred in every one of my ridiculous plays, especially when I had you dress up in that uncomfortable Dalek costume. You let me find myself in my own way and my own time. I know it might have taken a little longer than it should have, but I finally did it.”
He looked back at Arthur, who inched a little closer. “I’ve met someone, mum. He’s not at all who I pictured myself with. And he can be such a humongous prat. I swear if I didn’t love him so much, I could strangle him right now. But I do. I love him. I love him so much it scares me sometimes. I think you would have loved him. He doesn’t like to admit it, but he has such an amazing heart. He is kind and generous and smart. Did I mention that he’s kind of-sort of rich and beautiful? If it weren’t for the fact that he’s dying he’d be perfect.” He let out a loud and desperate laugh. His laughter abruptly died down and he leaned forward, bracing himself on the ground. “He has cancer and is refusing treatment to protect our baby. Sorry, I guess I forgot to mention that part. My boyfriend is pregnant. I’m going to be a father....I’m going to be a father. I have to keep repeating it because I still can’t really believe it. I have no idea how to do that. And if I have to do it alone...” His voice cracked.
“I don’t know how you did it, mum. I need you to tell me how to do this. I need you to be there when she’s born so you can meet her and make sure I don’t do irreparable damage. I need you to tell me how to save Arthur. I need you...” Tears began to fall and before he knew it his body was wracked with sobs. He felt two strong arms wrap around him and hold him close. He turned around in Arthur’s arms and clutched at him desperately. “I need you, Arthur.” Arthur just held up, stroking his hair, and rocking him back and forth until his tears subsided.
~*~
They were supposed to leave the next morning, but Arthur decided heading home right away would be for the best. Merlin didn’t put up a fight. He still looked drained. Despite protests from Merlin, Arthur drove most of the way home. He’d never officially gotten his license but he wanted Merlin to get some rest. Merlin had spent so much time taking care of him; he felt it was time he returned the favor. Arthur tried to listen to music on his IPod, but wasn’t in the mood for music and turned it off quickly.
“I’m sorry.”
After a half hour of silence, Arthur was so startled he swerved the car briefly, before getting back in the proper lane. “Bugger!” The baby apparently wasn’t a fan of the excitement and started kicking really hard. Arthur put his hand on his stomach.
“Are you alright?” Merlin asked with concern.
“Yes, I’m fine.”
“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to startle you.” Merlin put his hand on Arthur’s stomach. The baby always seemed to respond to Merlin’s touch and calmed down soon after.
“It’s alright. What did you say before?”
“I said I’m sorry.” Merlin repeated.
“What do you have to be sorry about?”
“I shouldn’t have yelled at you before. I can’t blame you for not wanting to do the chemo. I know that you’re trying to protect our daughter.”
Arthur shook his head. “Please don’t apologize to me, Merlin. You had every right to be upset. The truth is that I know I keep saying I want to protect our daughter, and that is true, but...” He took a deep breath. “I don’t want the chemo because I’m scared. I’ve been through this before Merlin. It’s maddening to know that the only thing I can do to get better is go through something that makes me feel ten thousand times worse and makes me want to die that much sooner. And then it still doesn’t get better.” Tears fell from eyes and he fought the urge to wipe them away. He was tired of holding it all in. “I don’t think that I can go through that again, especially now. I can’t have that hope that I might finally get the family that I’ve always wanted, only for it to not work again. I don’t want to waste the time I could be spending with the baby, being sick.” He looked over at Merlin, who stared straight ahead. He could see a tear running down his cheek. “I’m sorry that I’m not brave like your mother. I-I don’t want you to hate me, Merlin.”
“Pull over.” Merlin said simply.
Arthur looked over hesitantly, but did as instructed.
“Look at me, Arthur.” Arthur did so slowly. Merlin took his face in his hands. “I could never hate you. You are just as my mum was. You could have gotten rid of this baby so easily, and saved your own life, but you didn’t. You gave this baby a chance and you brought us together. I will always, always love you.” He kissed him tenderly. He pulled back and stroked Arthur’s cheek. “I just want you to give yourself the same chance. I understand that you’re scared and why and I won’t force you to do something that you’re not comfortable with, but I want you to please give yourself a chance. And I promise I will be here with you every step of the way.”
Arthur nodded. He had no doubt that Merlin would be there for him to lean and would take care of him. He wanted desperately to say he would do it, but he couldn’t manage to form the words.
Merlin sighed, but kissed Arthur’s forehead. He took him in his arms and hugged him tightly.” It’s ok. Just please promise me that you’ll think about it.”
“I will.” Arthur promised.
~*~
Arthur stared at a picture of his mother. It was one of the only ones he had. His father had given it to him before his first chemotherapy treatment. It was a simple picture. She was lying in bed, pregnant with him, and gazing down at her stomach with the most beautiful smile. It had given him a tremendous amount of piece during each treatment.
Arthur kept to his word and thought of nothing but what to do next for days. He tried to weigh the pros and cons, but it wasn’t making the decision any easier. He had spoken to Dr. Emerson and made an appointment to speak with him the next day. He still hadn’t decided what to do, but was determined to make a decision. He had spent most of the day staring at his mother’s picture, hoping that she would help him somehow decide. After three, it finally worked. He came to the only decision he felt he could live with. He picked up his phone and called Lance. “I need your help with something.”
~*~
When Merlin got home from work, he was surprised to find Arthur dressed in a suit, an oversized suit to accommodate his oversized belly, but looking very dapper nonetheless. He practically did a double take. “What’s going on?”
“We’re all going out tonight.” Arthur announced, doing up his cufflinks.
“We are?” Merlin asked skeptically. “I didn’t think you’d be up for any kind of socializing.”
Arthur shrugged. “I’m not really. My feet are killing me. I look like a giant penguin. And I can barely keep my eyes open.”
“Well, then it’s clearly the right time to party.”
Arthur chuckled. “I want to do this...for you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Just trust me. I’ve put out a suit for you on our bed and we’re going to meet our friends in an hour.” Arthur explained.
Merlin wrinkled his nose. “I hate wearing suits.”
Arthur put his arms around Merlin’s neck. “Please, for me.”
Merlin rolled his eyes, but had a soft smile on his face. “Alright.”
“Thank you.” Arthur gave him a peck on the lips.
“Where are we going?”
Arthur gave him a long, lingering kiss. Merlin still had his eyes closed when Arthur pulled back. “It’s a surprise.”
~*~
When they arrived at their destination, Merlin smiled. “Does this mean what I think it does?”
Arthur just smirked. “Perhaps.”
Merlin laughed. “Piano Kensington.” Merlin looked at the narrow opening. “It’s really tiny.”
“It’s bigger on the inside.”
“Like the TARDIS.”
Arthur rolled his eyes. “You’re such a nerd, Merlin.” Merlin laughed as Arthur took his arm and escorted him inside. “The others are inside.”
They walked into a somewhat small rectangular room with pale yellow walls. There was a small black leather couch in the front, with a few rectangular tables stuffed into the room. A grand piano was in the back. Gwaine, Ganieda, Lancelot, and Gwen were seated at a table near the piano. Merlin and Arthur were greeted with big smiles and hugs. Lance and Gwaine were looking just as dashing as Arthur and Merlin in black tie suits. Ganieda looked stunning in a fiery red spaghetti strapped dress. Gwen looked beautiful in an off the shoulder purple floor length dress.
“So young Pendragon, you’ve got us all dressed up. What’s the special occasion?” Gwaine asked, guzzling champagne already.
“Can’t a man just invite his friends out for a night of drinking, good cheer, and music?” Arthur asked.
“Not a man named Arthur Pendragon.” Gwaine gave Arthur a cheeky grin.
Lance shook his head and looked at Gwaine with fondness and annoyance. “Would you let the man talk?”
“Thank you.” Arthur said, looking over at Lance appreciatively. “And thank you for getting your friend to let us have this place for the night.” Lance nodded. Arthur cleared his throat. “I just really want you all to know how much your support over the years, and especially now, has meant to me. I haven’t always made it easy, but you’ve all stuck with me and I know I don’t say it a lot, but I love you.”
Gwen sniffled loudly and buried her face in Lance’s shoulder. Out of all of them she had known Arthur the longest and had rarely heard him say that. She had a feeling that there was something Arthur wasn’t saying, and that it was bad. Gwaine and Ganieda just smiled at Arthur. Gwaine squeezed Ganieda’s hand extra hard. Ganieda squeezed his hand back and poked him in the side to make him laugh. She could tell that he was valiantly trying to hold in his emotions, but was close to cracking. The last thing he wanted to do was lose it in front of his friends, especially Arthur.
Merlin just put his arm around Arthur and beamed up at his boyfriend. He knew how much that took for Arthur to say out loud in front of everyone and was proud of him.
Arthur continued. “As you all know, I’ve been working on this bucket list of mine and having been trying to cross things off for the last few months. There have been many things on there that I’ve been very nervous about. But what I’m about to do was one that I was especially dreading. I wanted to play the piano for an audience. I suppose I’m cheating little by just doing it for my friends, but baby steps I suppose.” He took Merlin’s hand and walked over to the piano. “Sit here please.” He pointed to the stool right beside the piano. Merlin took a seat. Merlin saw his video camera mounted on a stand behind Arthur and grinned.
Arthur sat at the piano and adjusted the microphone. He looked down and took a few deep breaths before starting. Merlin smiled when he recognized the opening melody of “Can’t Help Falling in Love.”
Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you
Arthur faltered slightly starting the next verse. He stopped briefly and closed his eyes. When he looked up, Merlin mouthed, “it's ok” and nodded for him to continue. Arthur got back on track. He looked into Merlin’s eyes.
Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So take my hand, and take my whole life too
Cause I can't help falling in love with you
Merlin’s eyes were brimming with tears.
Like a river flows so surely to the sea
Oh my darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So won't you please just take my hand
Arthur paused and reached out for Merlin, who gripped his hand tightly. Arthur didn’t even notice that tears were running down his cheeks as well. He started to play again.
...and take my whole life too
Cause I can't help falling in love, in love with you
Cause I can't help falling in love, falling in love,
I keep falling in love with you
Before Arthur finished playing, Merlin sat right beside him. When he was finished, Merlin grabbed Arthur’s face and kissed him fiercely. Arthur wrapped one hand around Merlin’s neck and the other strayed unconsciously to his belly. Merlin pulled back slowly and pressed his forehead to Arthur’s. “I love you.” Merlin whispered.
“I’m going to do the chemo.” Merlin pulled back a little. “I keep thinking about my mother. I know that if there was a way she could have survived, she would have taken it. I can’t let our child grow up without me, not without doing everything in my power to make it. I’m scared, but I know that I have to fight.”
“We’re going to fight together.” Merlin vowed.
~*~
Gaius scheduled Arthur for five cycles of treatment, with a two week rest period between cycles. Merlin drove Arthur to his first treatment and to the almost daily doctor’s appointments afterwards to check Arthur’s blood count. Gaius was especially worried because the last time Arthur had chemo it had lowered his healthy blood cells considerably and he had been prone to infections, which now could be not only harmful to him but the baby as well.
At first, Arthur’s symptoms were manageable and were no different than during the first trimester of his pregnancy. He was incredibly tired and threw up violently the first day after treatment. But that quickly diminished with the anti-nausea medication he had been prescribed.
Taking care of Arthur became a team effort. After his second cycle of treatment, he developed mouth sores that made it incredibly difficult to eat or swallow. Gaius had prescribed him “magic mouthwash” to help with the pain, but it wasn’t helping. Ganieda bought a month’s supply of popsicles and ate them with him, while introducing him to the joys of “Doctor Who” with a marathon viewing of the show. The popsicles helped with the pain. Merlin was incredibly happy that Arthur was feeling better, but couldn’t help feeling a tad jealous (“You popped your ‘Who’ cherry without me.”)
Arthur could barely make it out of bed most days. Ganieda and Gwaine tried to engage him with some more light exercise, but he was having none of it this time. The only one who was able to coax him outside for short walks. Gwen even managed to convince Arthur to come to one meeting of a cancer support group she volunteered at. Arthur didn’t say anything, but did feel somewhat comforted being around others who knew what he was going through.
Merlin took care of Arthur every way he knew how. He made sure Arthur ate right, managed Arthur’s medications, and helped him every time (and it was quite a lot) he needed to go to the bathroom. He went shopping for baby clothes, diapers, formula, and a crib with his sister and Gwen and had started to fix up the guest room next to his and Arthur’s bedroom as a temporary nursery. He had also started talking to the baby. He would rub Arthur’s feet and read stories to the baby or tell her about his day. Unfortunately, Arthur became more and more withdrawn and not talking to Merlin or anyone.
Merlin came home and found Arthur asleep in the comfy leather armchair in the family room. Merlin approached quietly and kissed Arthur’s forehead, sweeping his fringe aside. Arthur blinked open his eyes slowly. “Hey, Artie-
“I told you not to call me that.” Arthur grunted.
“Sorry.” He took a thick book out of the plastic bag in his hand. “I bought a book of baby names. Maybe we can go through it and try and narrow down our choices?” He handed the book to Arthur.
Arthur dropped the book immediately. “We don’t need some stupid book to name our child.”
Merlin sighed and picked up the book. He wrung his hands, trying to think of something to say, something that might engage Arthur’s interest. “You’re birthday’s in a few weeks. Do you want to have some kind of get together with your friends?”
“No. I just want to stay here.”
“Is there anything special I can get you?”
“You could make me not sick. That would be a great present.” Arthur stood up with some effort, waving off Merlin’s attempt to help. He walked over to their bedroom.
“Where are you going?” Merlin asked, following Arthur.
“I’m going to take a bath.”
“Do you need help?”
Arthur turned to face him. “No. I can still bathe myself. I’m not that pathetic.” He closed the door behind him.
Merlin sighed, laying his head against the door. Soon, he went to it on their bed. He tried to look the baby naming book, but couldn’t concentrate, one eye on the bathroom door. After about twenty minutes he heard a loud thud and muffled shout. He raced to the door. “Arthur?!” When he opened the door, Arthur was naked on the ground, crouched on one knee. Merlin raced to him. “Arthur, what happened?” He helped Arthur up slowly.
“I just lost my balance. I just fell on my knee, it’s ok.” He said shakily.
Merlin inspected his knee. There was a big, red bruise already forming. “Do you think I should call Dr. Emerson?”
“It’s just a bruise, Merlin.” Arthur said, walking away from Merlin with a slight limp.
“But you’ve been bruising a lot easier lately.”
“I’m well aware of that, Merlin. I think I know what’s going on with my body better than you do.” Arthur turned to the dresser drawer and had difficulty opening it.
“I know that, Arthur. I’m just worried. And...” He stopped when he noticed Arthur just staring at the contents of the drawer. “Arthur, is something wrong?”
Arthur turned to him, staring down at his hands. He sighed. “I can’t feel my handsome feet. I can’t even pick up a shirt.”
Merlin calmly walked over and picked out a shirt for Arthur. He helped Arthur raise his arms and put the large burgundy pullover on him. “It’s ok.”
“It’s not ok, Merlin. I can’t even fucking dress myself.” His voice was trembling and he avoided looking into Merlin’s eyes.
Merlin lifted Arthur’s face to look at him. “We’re going to call Gaius, and he’ll know what to do. You’ll get through this.” He looked confidently into Arthur’s eyes and nodded. Arthur nodded back. Merlin led Arthur to their bed and held him close. He kissed the top of Arthur’s head.
“I’m sorry.” Arthur said suddenly.
“What are you sorry about?”
“I’m sure it hasn’t escaped your attention that I can be a horrible prat when I’m sick.” Arthur explained.
“I hate to break it to you, Arthur but that’s the case even when you’re not sick.” Merlin teased.
Arthur laughed for the first time in weeks. “Shut up, Merlin.” Arthur’s smile fell. “I don’t mean to take this out on you. I know you’re doing your best and I can’t imagine how much worse I would feel if you weren’t here.”
“I’m a big boy, Arthur. I can take whatever you dish out.” He chuckled. “I mean, within reason. I know why you act the way you do and I know that you love me.”
“I do.” He snuggled closer to Merlin. “I just want this to be over. I’m so scared, Merlin especially for the baby. I’ve barely made it past the first month of treatment. I don’t know how to do this for another three months.”
Merlin didn’t know what to say; he just held Arthur a little tighter.
After Arthur fell asleep, Merlin grabbed one of Arthur’s shirts. He quietly left the room and looked for his sister. She was in the kitchen chopping up fruits and vegetables for one of her smoothies. Merlin grabbed her hand and placed Arthur’s shirt in it. “Here.”
She looked down at it and crinkled her nose. “Sorry Merlin, not my week for laundry.” She attempted to hand it back.
Merlin shook his head. “I don’t care what you have to do, but you need to get some kind of vision.”
Ganieda looked at the shirt incredulously. “Merlin, you know that’s not how my visions work. If I could help you, don’t you think I would be doing everything I can? I’ve been trying. The only thing I see when I think about saving Arthur is you and the baby.”
“That’s it?”
Ganieda shrugged. “Yes.”
“That’s great, Ganieda.” Merlin retorted. “That doesn’t tell me anything.”
“I’m sorry, Merlin. You know I only see what I’m meant to.”
Merlin groaned, snatching Arthur’s shirt back. “So what does that mean? I’m not meant to save Arthur?”
Ganieda shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know.”
Merlin ran his hands through his hair, tugging at it roughly. “Then what good are your stupid visions? You can tell people all kinds of stupid shite for your business, but when it really counts you’re completely useless. You couldn’t save mum and now you can’t save Arthur. What good are you?”
Ganieda recoiled at Merlin’s words. She knew he was incredibly stressed, but she’d never seen him like his. He had never said something so hurtful before. She dug her fingernails into her palm, and tried to hold back a bitter retort. She could tell by the look on his face that he knew what he said was wrong.
He covered his face with his hand and shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Gan. You didn’t deserve that.”
Ganieda put her arms around Merlin and hugged him. “I know that you’re worried.”
“I’m more than worried. I’m scared out of my mind. And I can’t let Arthur see that. He is in so much pain and I’m useless to stop it.” His breath hitched and he fought back tears. “I can’t bear to lose anyone else, Gan. I don’t want to lose him.”
Ganieda pulled back and looked at her brother. “I understand why you have to keep it together for Arthur, but you can’t keep this all inside. You can talk to me or Gwaine.” Merlin nodded. “Merlin, I may not have any visions to back this up, but I truly believe with all my heart that Arthur will survive. You’re going to get him through this.”
Merlin could see that Ganieda truly believed that. He hoped that he could find the faith that she had.
Part 5
Author/Artist: GeekSlave
Pairing(s): Arthur/Merlin, Ganieda (OFC)/Gwaine, Lancelot/Gwen
Characters: Merlin, Arthur, Gwaine, Ganieda (OFC), Gwen, Lancelot, Gaius, Uther, Kilgarrah
Word Count: 35,554
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Just before receiving vital treatment for cancer, Arthur meets Merlin and his life is turned upside down when one night with Merlin results in an unforeseen pregnancy. To protect the baby, Arthur refuses the treatment.
Disclaimer: Merlin characters are the property of Shine and BBC. No profit is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.
Warnings: Mpreg, angst, lots of talk of cancer, fluff.
Notes: Written for the merlinmpreg fest. Special thanks to my beta dustfinger223. I'm not a doctor just play one while writing fic. :) I did a lot of research, but I'm sure I didn't get everything right.
Part 3
Merlin held on to Arthur’s hand tightly. “What about Anna?”
Arthur moved slowly, trying to balance himself on the skates. It took some convincing, but he’d gotten Merlin agree to teach him how to skate, but Merlin was insistent on being by his side the entire time. It made learning and getting his bearings on the skates a bit harder, but it would just take some time, once Merlin was sure that Arthur wouldn’t fall on his arse, or worse, on his stomach, he would be willing to let go a little. To pass the time, they had gotten started on trying to pick a name. They’d already nixed Anwen, Morgana, Ellen, Enid, Wendy, and Cordelia.
Arthur shook his head. “Anna makes me think of “Anna Karenina” and I hated that book.”
Merlin rolled his eyes. “That’s not arbitrary at all.”
“Says the man who nixed Cordelia because he didn’t like the character from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. Merlin moved a little and Arthur was able to move a little easier and faster on the skates. “I think I’m getting better.”
Merlin nodded. “I think we should stop in another five minutes.”
“But I think I’m hitting my stride.”
“We’ll come back tomorrow.” Merlin assured him.
Arthur nodded.
“What about Ariana?” Merlin suggested getting back to the topic of baby names.
Arthur considered it. After a few moments, he nodded. “That could definitely make the top five.”
Merlin smiled. His cell phone buzzed. He fished his phone out of his pocket. “Hello.”
“Is this Merlin Emrys?” A man with a gravelly voice asked.
“Yes. Who’s this?”
“Professor John Kilgarrah.”
“Oh.” Merlin quickly led Arthur over to a bench in the park and sat a heavily breathing, Arthur down. He’d called Professor a couple of times since Ganieda had given him the number, but he had never picked up the phone nor returned Merlin’s messages. He walked a few feet away from Arthur. “Thank you for returning my call.” Finally, he thought.
“I have a few moments now, if you wish to speak with me.” He announced, dispensing with any pleasantries.
“Now?”
“I was given the impression that this was important.”
“It is.” Merlin looked at Arthur. “Do you still have the same offices at the university?”
“That is correct.”
“Alright. I will be there in a half an hour.”
“Very well.” The professor quickly hung up.
“This is going to be fun.” Merlin mumbled. He walked back over to Arthur. “Professor Kilgarrah finally called me back. He wants me to meet him at his office.”
Arthur nodded and started to take his skates off. Merlin rushed to help him. “Is he going to explain things about your magic?”
“I hope so.” Merlin wiped some sweat from Arthur’s brow and then they headed back to the car.
~*~
Merlin cursed as he looked at the clock on his phone. It was forty minutes since he had last spoken to the professor. He hoped the professor wouldn’t be too upset about his tardiness. He had tried getting there as fast as he could, but for some reason traffic was horribly busy for a Wednesday afternoon. He knocked uneasily on Dr. Kilgarrah’s door. He heard the door unlock. “Dr. Kilgarrah?” He called out questioningly through the door. “My name’s...
“Merlin. Yes, I know. You may enter.”
Merlin walked in slowly. There was a man with gray hair, somewhat wild, sitting at the desk. He didn’t look up as Merlin entered the room further. “Uh...I’m sorry I was late. Traffic was...” He trailed off, sensing the man wasn’t interested in excuses. “I’m Ganieda’s brother.”
The professor finally looked up and scrutinized Merlin, to the point that Merlin began to squirm in discomfort. “I can see a lot of Ganieda in you. I can also sense a powerful magic.”
“You can sense my magic?”
“Yes.” Kilgarrah motioned for Merlin to sit in the chair opposite him.
Merlin sat down. “How can you sense it? Do you have magic?”
“No. But I’ve made it my business to understand everything I can about magic. People with magic give off a certain aura, that anyone can sense if they pay attention.”
“Oh.” Merlin nodded. There was something about the man’s stare that made him anxious, like he knew things about Merlin that Merlin didn’t. “I’ve looked up as much as I can about magic, but there’s so much I don’t know. I have so many questions.”
The professor nodded sagely. “I don’t know how much help I can provide, but I will try my best.”
“Thank you.” Merlin sighed. “My boyfriend is pregnant and we don’t know if the baby has magic. He has cancer and he told me that he thinks the baby’s keeping him alive and I don’t know if that’s possible. I’ve had magic ever since I can remember.
“Your baby will have magic, but he -
“It’s a girl.” Merlin interrupted.
Kilgarrah continued as if uninterrupted. “The child does not have access to his, excuse me, herpowers in the womb. She will come into her powers when she is born. She does not have the power to heal your mate at this time.”
“Is there anyone who can? I’ve tried to find spell books and tried all the spells I could. But nothing has worked.”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you how to heal him. If I knew that, I would be a rich man.” The professor lips curled almost imperceptibly. Merlin assumed that was what passed for a smile with him.
Merlin sighed heavily.
“The only thing I can tell you is it would take a greater power than you alone possess to heal his affliction.”
“So, it’s not impossible? Do you think there is a way to save him magically?”
Professor Kilgarrah leaned forward. “I believe anything is possible.”
Merlin looked up and shook his head. It was a nice sentiment, but not exactly helpful. Before Merlin could ask anything else, his phone buzzing interrupted him. “What?” He almost yelled into the phone. “
“Merlin, you need to get to the hospital” Ganieda said softly, but urgently. “It’s Arthur.”
Merlin shot up, breathing faster. “It can’t be labor. It’s too soon.”
“He’s not in labor. He had trouble breathing. I think he’s going to be ok, but you need to get here.” He hung up the phone absent-mindedly and raced towards the door. Ganieda sounded exactly the same way after their mother became sick. Before he left, he turned back to Kilgarrah. “Thank you.”
~*~
By the time Merlin made it to the hospital, a dozen worst case scenarios had gone through Merlin’s mind. He burst through the hospital doors, and frantically asked the receptionist for Arthur Pendragon’s room. She said without proof he was family, she couldn’t tell him anything. Merlin was close to making a scene, when Ganieda came down. She grabbed Merlin’s hand. “Come on.”
“Ganieda, what happened?” Merlin asked as they stepped in the elevator.
“Arthur seemed fine when he got back from skating.” Merlin nodded. “But he looked uncomfortable, but when I asked he said nothing was wrong. He was nauseous. Then a few minutes later, he said that he was having trouble breathing. I didn’t know what to do, so I drove him here.”
“That was good. You don’t want to take any chances.”
They stepped off the elevator and Ganieda led him to the waiting area. “The doctors are with him now.”
“Did you call Dr. Emerson?” Merlin asked.
Ganieda shook her head. “I didn’t think about it.”
Merlin took out his phone to call Gaius. “Hello, can I speak to Dr. Emerson, please?”
Arthur’s doctor came out then. Ganieda tugged on Merlin’s shirt to get his attention. They both walked over to him. Merlin hung up before he could speak with Gaius. “How is he?” Merlin asked immediately.
The blonde doctor looked to Ganieda. “This is my brother, Merlin. He’s Arthur’s boyfriend and the baby’s other father.”
“Hello. I’m Dr. Knight. Arthur was asking for you.” He said to Merlin. “He’s doing fine now. His breathing is back to normal, but given his cancer and the pregnancy we want to keep him overnight and run some tests and see what caused the problem.”
Merlin shook his hand. “Thank you, doctor.” Merlin rushed past him and walked into Arthur’s room. As he soon as Arthur saw him, he put a smile on his face that didn’t quite reach his eyes. When Merlin got to Arthur’s bed, he kissed him softly. Merlin grabbed a chair and sat down, clutching Arthur’s hand. “You scared me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize, just don’t do it again.”
Arthur shook his head. “I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try.”
“Do you think perhaps we pushed it a little hard with the skating today?” Merlin asked, already beating himself up for giving in to Arthur’s request.
Arthur bit his lip and looked down. “I don’t think that’s it.”
Merlin looked at him worriedly. “What do you think it is?”
Arthur shrugged. “I’m not sure. It’s possible that the medication has stopped working.”
Merlin swallowed, and then nodded before speaking. “That’s alright.” Arthur looked at him sharply. “Wasn’t the medication just supposed to be temporary until you started chemo in your third trimester?”
“It’s not ok, Merlin.” Arthur snapped. He sighed. “Sorry. Chemo was never decided on. We still have to talk about it with Gaius, figure out what’s best for the baby.”
“If chemo is your only option, there’s not much to discuss. Gaius said that the risk to the baby is minimal.”
“Minimal isn’t good enough.” Arthur argued.
“So what are you saying Arthur? Are you just going to do nothing?”
“I never said that.” Arthur put his head in his hands.
Merlin took a deep breath. He could see that he was stressing Arthur out and he didn’t want to put any more pressure on him. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Arthur. We’ll figure this out. I’m going to call Dr. Emerson and we’ll figure this out.”
~*~
The next day, Arthur was getting his things together as he was waiting for Merlin to finish signing him out. They had spoken to Dr. Emerson that morning. He had gone over Arthur’s tests with Dr. Knight and they confirmed what Arthur feared - that the drugs were no longer working. Arthur made an appointment with Gaius for the next day to see what their next step would be. Arthur was dreading it. There was a knock on the door. “Come in.” The door opened and when Arthur turned around, he gaped at his visitor. “Father?”
Uther walked further into the room without invitation. “Hello, son. How are you?”
Arthur chuckled mirthlessly. “Are you serious? ‘Hello, son. How are you?’ You threw me out of the house, while I’m pregnant. You haven’t seen me in months and those are your first words to me?”
Uther sighed. “I’m sorry. I know I didn’t handle things well.”
Arthur nodded. “That’s an understatement.” Arthur turned his back on Uther. “What are you doing here?”
“I heard that you were in the hospital.”
Arthur turned back to look at him. “How did you know that?”
“I’ve had someone keeping an eye on you. You’re my son, Arthur. No matter what happened, I care what happens to you...and your child.” Uther answered.
Arthur recoiled in shock. “You care about my child? You called it a thing and said you would never accept it.”
“I was angry, Arthur, and I overreacted. I can’t say that I’m happy about the circumstances in which my grandchild came to be, but I do want to be a part of its life.”
“Even though it may have magic?”
Uther paused briefly before answering. “Yes.”
Arthur crossed his arms in front of his chest, still very wary of his father and his apology. “It’s a girl.” He tried to gauge whether Uther was disappointed that the baby was a girl, no boy to extend the Pendragon line. But Uther actually smiled.
“That’s wonderful. It’ll be a nice change to have a woman in the family.” Uther approached Arthur. Arthur, I was hoping that you would consider coming back home. I think that would be best for my granddaughter. You could have the best care possible and help with raising the baby.”
“Father, I can’t move back. I have my own family now, with Merlin.”
Uther pursed his lips and look down, before pacing to the other side of the room. “Arthur, I understand that men your age like to experiment...sexually.” Uther finished awkwardly. “But one mistake does not make this man family.”
“It wasn’t a mistake. I am gay, father. And I am in love with Merlin. He has been there for me when you haven’t. I’m not going to cut him out of my life or our daughter’s life. If you can’t accept that, then there’s nothing more to say.”
Uther strode over to Arthur. “That man is not your family. I am. If something happens to you, he cannot be trusted to take care of that child. You have no idea what those people are capable of.”
Arthur saw Merlin walk in just before Uther finished his rant. Uther heard the door shut, behind him and turned around.
“Am I interrupting something?” Merlin asked.
Arthur shook his head. “No.” He walked past a sputtering Uther. “Nothing’s changed.” He grabbed Merlin’s hand and started to walk out. He turned briefly, wanting to say something, reach out to his father in some way, but couldn’t see the point.
~*~
Arthur opened one eye and looked over at Ganieda. She was still sitting serenely with her legs crossed and eyes closed. Arthur regretted letting her talk into trying meditation. There was no hope of him clearing his mind and relaxing with the baby trying to kick its way out of his abdomen and his back felt as if it was being pricked slowly with sharp knives. He placed his hand on his ever expanding belly and took a deep breath. “May I please get up? I think I’ve put up this rubbish as long as I can. I’m not about to find my happy place any time soon.” Ever since Arthur’s talk with Uther, he had started to become sullen and withdrawn. And as his third trimester began, his pregnancy symptoms worsened.
“Gaius said you need to do some light exercise.” Ganieda replied, not opening her eyes.
“Yes, and he also said I need plenty of rest.” Arthur uncrossed his legs and got up with some difficulty. “So if you don’t mind I’m going to my room and sleeping for a week.
When Arthur got to his and Merlin’s room, he crawled slowly onto the bed, groaning as the cool sheets touched his body. He rolled onto his back. He closed his eyes for a few minutes, but he couldn’t get to sleep. He opened his eyes and pushed himself up, to sit against the headboard. He took a look around the room. Various pieces of clothing were strewn about the room. Merlin was an absolute slob Arthur was normally very neat, but he was far too tired lately to care where his clothes landed.
It was a moderately sized room, but there was room for little beyond the Queen-sized bed, dresser and two end tables. Arthur was very grateful to Ganieda and Gwaine for opening their home to him, but they needed something bigger for the baby. Arthur and Merlin had discussed it. The main thing keeping them there was money. Arthur’s mother had left him money in a trust but he wouldn’t be able to take control of it until he was 25. The only way he could access it now was through his father, and there was no way Uther would allow that. He wasn’t about to beg his father for help. Merlin had actually managed to get a job as Dr. Kilgarrah’s assistant. It wasn’t a particularly high paying job, but he always had interesting stories to tell. Gwaine and Ganieda had offered to help. They were living fairly comfortably. Ganieda had her own shop as a local psychic and had a decent stream of customers. And Gwaine’s family was well off, even though Gwaine shied away from taking their money.
A part of Arthur, a part he tried to squelch down as much as he could, felt that thinking about moving, or anything to do with his future was a moot point. He had spoken with Gaius about what his options were for treatment. Gaius was adamant that chemotherapy was Arthur’s best option for right now. Arthur wanted to wait a little longer and put off making a final decision. Merlin was trying his best to be supportive, but Arthur knew how anxious he was for Arthur to decide.
When Merlin came home, he climbed into bed with Arthur, wrapping himself around Arthur, touching his belly. He kissed the back of Arthur’s neck tenderly. “How’s my favorite pair doing?”
“Horrible. I don’t think your daughter knows what she wants and it’s driving me crazy. I’m tired all the time, but I can’t sleep. I’m hungry, but can barely eat because I’m nauseous.”
Merlin kissed the top of his head. “It’ll all be over soon.”
Arthur inwardly cringed at Merlin’s choice of words. He turned to face Merlin. ‘I want to leave.”
“You want to leave?” Merlin bit his lip. “Do you want to go out tonight?”
“No. I meant I want to go somewhere with you. Out of town.”
Merlin sat up slightly. “What brought this on?”
Arthur sighed. “I just want to go somewhere with you, away from this, where we can just relax for a minute. So I can clear my mind and be able to think.”
“Arthur...” Merlin bit his lip. “I don’t think it’s a good idea, for a lot of reasons. You’re seven months pregnant. What would happen if you went into labor? We don’t really have a lot of money. I just started working at a new job. And where would we go anyway?”
Arthur sat up fully. We don’t have to go far. One of the things on my list is taking a road trip. We can take the car and not go too far. I’m sure there’d be doctors wherever we went. We stay at a cheap hotel, well somewhat cheap. You can make up some excuse with the professor. And where we go?” Arthur paused. “You think of something. I’ve thought of everything else.”
Merlin rolled his eyes. “You’re unbelievable.” He rubbed the back of his neck, thinking it over. “I did want to go to Ealdor and visit my mum’s grave and tell her about the baby.”
Arthur squeezed his hand. “That sounds like a good idea.”
“I can’t believe I’m thinking about this. We’d have to be back quickly. I don’t like the idea of you being away from Dr. Emerson right now.
“We can be back in a couple of days.. This’ll be good for me, for us, I promise.” Arthur nibbled at Merlin’s ear. “Please, please say yes.”
“I don’t know...” Arthur licked the shell of Merlin’s ear. Merlin closed his eyes and groaned. “Alright.” He gently rolled Arthur onto his back. “Now what do I get in return?”
“My gratitude?” Arthur said haltingly. Merlin leaned down and started kissing Arthur’s neck. Arthur pushed Merlin back a little. “I’m sorry. I’m not really in the mood.”
Merlin rolled away with a long sigh. “That’s alright”
“I could give you a lazy blowjob.”
Merlin clasped his hands together, twiddling his thumbs. “No, thanks. I’d rather avoid the choking hazard of you falling asleep in my crotch...again.” He sighed. “I really miss that phase of your pregnancy when you were hornier than a horde of rabbits on viagra.”
Arthur burst out laughing, turning into Merlin’s shoulder. Merlin chuckled lightly. After his laughter subsided, Arthur looked up at Merlin. “You and me both.”
~*~
A couple of days later they headed out on the road. Merlin had invited Ganieda and Gwaine to come along, but Ganieda declined. She was never comfortable visiting their mother’s grave, preferring not to think of their mother’s remains in the ground, choosing her own way to commune with their mother’s spirit. They packed lightly, only planning to be away for two days.
It was a three hour trip. For the first half hour, they didn’t speak. The only sound inside the car was the squeaking of the leather seats as Arthur slept fitfully, unable to get comfortable. Finally he gave up on sleep and stared out the window. Merlin looked over and sighed. “We could try playing the “I spy…” game.”
Arthur scrunched up his nose. “What’s that?”
“You look out the window and say out loud something that you see. Like, ‘I spy two cows.”
Arthur looked puzzled. “That doesn’t sound very fun. And I don’t know why it would be called a game, there’s very little skill involved.”
Merlin rolled his eyes. “It’s just something to do. My mum used to have us do it on long car rides.”
Arthur gazed out the window again, and then turned back to Merlin. “You talk about your mum a lot, but never say anything about your father.”
Merlin shrugged. “There’s not much to tell. Never knew him.”
“What happened to him?”
Merlin pursed his lips before speaking. “He wanted to be able to better provide for my mum, my sister, and me. He wasn’t finding any work in Ealdor so he left. He got a job in London working as a chauffeur. One day he was going home and was robbed at knife point. He fought back and was killed. He died…alone. My mum didn’t even find out until two days later.”
Arthur squeezed Merlin’s thigh. “I’m sorry.”
Merlin smiled wanly at him. “Mum didn’t talk about him often. But she showed me pictures of them. They were really happy. I look like him. Mum said I was stubborn like him.” Arthur nodded. “He was a very quiet man and kind.”
“I’m sorry you never got to know him, Merlin.”
Merlin shook his head. “I missed not having him around, but I had my mum and my sister. I was never lonely.”
“You’re lucky that your mum at least talked about him.” Arthur caressed his belly absent-mindedly.
“Your father really told you nothing about your mother?”
“Very little. When I was ten, I found this photograph of her playing the piano. I showed it to him and he told me that she was a very good player. She won a few competitions and really could have been a professional. So I asked him to let me take lessons. I don’t think I was ever really good, but when I played I always pictured her playing, and it was the only thing that made me feel close to her.”
Merlin smiled. “What kind of music did you play?
Arthur looked down somewhat sheepishly. “It’s a little bit odd, but I was kind of going through an Elvis phase...”
Merlin quirked an eyebrow at him. “Really? I would never have pictured it.”
“Well he was the king.”
Merlin smiled broadly. “Right. And who wouldn’t want to be the king?” They both laughed. “Do you think you can teach our daughter how to play?”
Arthur shrugged. “I don’t think so. I’m not really a great teacher.”
Merlin chuckled. “So is it going to be up to me to teach her everything?”
“Maybe.” Arthur answered simply. “You might not have a choice.” He finished quietly.
Merlin gripped the steering wheel tighter. “You can’t think like that.”
Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn’t want to take his frustrations out on Merlin. “Look, Merlin, I know that you’re trying to be helpful but positive thinking is not going to help in this situation. I’m not getting any better.”
“You were. The drugs were working and Gaius said the chemo could help. You have three more months, and then after the baby is born, if the chemo doesn’t work, you can do the treatment you were supposed to before you got pregnant. I know you feel tired and horrible because of the pregnancy-
“Goddammit, Merlin! It’s not about the pregnancy! I have fucking cancer!” Arthur yelled. “Do you not get that? This isn’t something that I’ve been dealing with for a few months. I’ve been dealing with this for years. And I am...” He stopped and took a quivering breath. “I’m tired. Do you know that every night I am terrified to close my eyes because I’m afraid that I’ll never wake up again? It feels like I’m constantly struggling to stay alive and I’m just tired, Merlin. I don’t think I can do it anymore.”
Merlin slowly pulled the car over. He stared straight ahead. “What are you saying, Arthur?”
Arthur took a couple of deep breaths and exhaled slowly. “I don’t want to do the chemotherapy.”
Merlin didn’t say anything or look at Arthur. Arthur looked over at Merlin apprehensively. Merlin opened the car door suddenly and walked out, slamming the door behind him. Arthur was caught off guard and took a few seconds to respond. He followed Merlin out. They had stopped beside a barren field of partially dead grass. Merlin walked quickly away from the car and stopped in the middle of the field. He bent over and stuck his head between his knees.
Arthur caught up with him and stopped a few feet away. “Merlin?” He called out tentatively.
Merlin slowly stood up. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Arthur. I feel like I’m supposed to be supportive and tell you this is ok. It’s your body, your life, so you get to decide what to do with it. But I can’t.” He turned to look at Arthur. “This isn’t just your life anymore, Arthur. We’re supposed to be a family. How can you just give up like this?”
“That’s not fair. I have fought every day. And I am still fighting. I’m just fighting for her now.” Arthur clutched his belly.
“You think I don’t care about our daughter? Of course I want her to be as safe as possible. But this isn’t the way. What am I supposed to do without you, Arthur? What am I supposed to tell our daughter? ‘Sorry your other father couldn’t be here. He got too tired to fight and be here for you.’” Merlin wiped furiously at the tears beginning to fall. “And what about me? You said that you loved me. But now you want to leave me just like almost everyone else in my life.”
Arthur walked over to Merlin, reaching out for him. Merlin backed away, putting his hand up. Arthur stopped in his tracks. “I’m sorry.”
Merlin laughed bitterly. “That really helps.” He looked around and shook his head. He wanted to hit something, preferably Arthur. But he didn’t want to hurt him, at least not physically. “What is this trip even supposed to be about? Is going to my mother’s grave supposed to be practice for saying good-bye to you? The big difference being my mum actually fought until her last breath to be with her family.”
“Merlin-
“Don’t! Don’t say a word, Arthur. I don’t want to hear anything else. You’ve made your choice, now I have to make mine.” He walked back to the car, not sparing Arthur another glance.
The rest of the way to the hotel was filled with silence. Arthur couldn’t bear to look at Merlin and see the hurt and anger etched in Merlin’s features. Merlin stared ahead robotically, barely blinking. He couldn’t think of anything but just getting to the hotel, going to sleep, and putting this miserable day behind on. Not that the thought of visiting his mother’s grave the next day made him feel any better. As soon as they got to the hotel and was handed the key, Merlin snatched it and broke land speed records getting to their room and leaving Arthur to finish checking them in.
It was still light out, but Arthur found Merlin asleep, or at least had his eyes closed, on the couch in the alcove. They had planned for Merlin to show him around Ealdor, but he assumed that was off. Arthur had the bed to himself all night, but didn’t sleep a wink.
~*~
The next morning, Arthur woke up to the smell of sausage, eggs, and hash browns. When he opened his eyes there was a tray full of food beside him - but no Merlin. There was no sign of him. Arthur ate and washed up. When he was done Merlin was back. He glanced at him briefly when he came out of the bathroom, but still said nothing. After getting dressed and still not a word from Merlin, Arthur sighed and walked over to him. “Are you ever going to say anything to me again? Believe it or not, I miss your idle chatter.” Arthur joked weakly.
Merlin grabbed his keys and headed for the door. He turned slightly to Arthur. “Are you still coming?”
Arthur didn’t think Merlin would still want him there at the cemetery. He was a little startled, but quickly nodded. “Yes.”
It was a short trip to Avalon cemetery. Merlin parked the car. He gathered the orchids he’d brought, his mum’s favorite. Arthur could tell that Merlin was a little shaky. He wanted desperately to be right there with Merlin, offering him comfort, but any overture from him wouldn’t be welcome now. He decided not to wait in the car, but stood a few feet away. If Merlin needed him, he would come to him.
Merlin crouched down at the grave and put the flowers on the flat gray marble marker. “Hi, mum. I’m sorry I haven’t come sooner. I’m sorry Gan isn’t here either. She sends her love. Well not exactly. She doesn’t really see the point in coming here. ‘If I want to talk to her, I’ll just hold a séance so I can actually talk to her.’” He laughed. “You know how she is.” He sat down on the ground and tried to get more comfortable. “It’s still really hard to think of you being here. I mean I know you’re not really here, but...” He shook his head. “Sorry, I’m not making any sense.” He smiled sadly. “Though you would probably understand. You were always the one person in my life that understood me no matter how much I didn’t make sense. And I think I spent most of my life not making sense. And it wasn’t just because of my magic. I never fit in with any of the other kids. I was just this tall, gangly weirdo with Dumbo ears, who spent most of his time living in his own head rather than on Earth. You always said it was ok that I was different. ‘I wouldn’t have it any other way.’ And you were always so patient with me. I don’t know any other mothers who would have starred in every one of my ridiculous plays, especially when I had you dress up in that uncomfortable Dalek costume. You let me find myself in my own way and my own time. I know it might have taken a little longer than it should have, but I finally did it.”
He looked back at Arthur, who inched a little closer. “I’ve met someone, mum. He’s not at all who I pictured myself with. And he can be such a humongous prat. I swear if I didn’t love him so much, I could strangle him right now. But I do. I love him. I love him so much it scares me sometimes. I think you would have loved him. He doesn’t like to admit it, but he has such an amazing heart. He is kind and generous and smart. Did I mention that he’s kind of-sort of rich and beautiful? If it weren’t for the fact that he’s dying he’d be perfect.” He let out a loud and desperate laugh. His laughter abruptly died down and he leaned forward, bracing himself on the ground. “He has cancer and is refusing treatment to protect our baby. Sorry, I guess I forgot to mention that part. My boyfriend is pregnant. I’m going to be a father....I’m going to be a father. I have to keep repeating it because I still can’t really believe it. I have no idea how to do that. And if I have to do it alone...” His voice cracked.
“I don’t know how you did it, mum. I need you to tell me how to do this. I need you to be there when she’s born so you can meet her and make sure I don’t do irreparable damage. I need you to tell me how to save Arthur. I need you...” Tears began to fall and before he knew it his body was wracked with sobs. He felt two strong arms wrap around him and hold him close. He turned around in Arthur’s arms and clutched at him desperately. “I need you, Arthur.” Arthur just held up, stroking his hair, and rocking him back and forth until his tears subsided.
~*~
They were supposed to leave the next morning, but Arthur decided heading home right away would be for the best. Merlin didn’t put up a fight. He still looked drained. Despite protests from Merlin, Arthur drove most of the way home. He’d never officially gotten his license but he wanted Merlin to get some rest. Merlin had spent so much time taking care of him; he felt it was time he returned the favor. Arthur tried to listen to music on his IPod, but wasn’t in the mood for music and turned it off quickly.
“I’m sorry.”
After a half hour of silence, Arthur was so startled he swerved the car briefly, before getting back in the proper lane. “Bugger!” The baby apparently wasn’t a fan of the excitement and started kicking really hard. Arthur put his hand on his stomach.
“Are you alright?” Merlin asked with concern.
“Yes, I’m fine.”
“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to startle you.” Merlin put his hand on Arthur’s stomach. The baby always seemed to respond to Merlin’s touch and calmed down soon after.
“It’s alright. What did you say before?”
“I said I’m sorry.” Merlin repeated.
“What do you have to be sorry about?”
“I shouldn’t have yelled at you before. I can’t blame you for not wanting to do the chemo. I know that you’re trying to protect our daughter.”
Arthur shook his head. “Please don’t apologize to me, Merlin. You had every right to be upset. The truth is that I know I keep saying I want to protect our daughter, and that is true, but...” He took a deep breath. “I don’t want the chemo because I’m scared. I’ve been through this before Merlin. It’s maddening to know that the only thing I can do to get better is go through something that makes me feel ten thousand times worse and makes me want to die that much sooner. And then it still doesn’t get better.” Tears fell from eyes and he fought the urge to wipe them away. He was tired of holding it all in. “I don’t think that I can go through that again, especially now. I can’t have that hope that I might finally get the family that I’ve always wanted, only for it to not work again. I don’t want to waste the time I could be spending with the baby, being sick.” He looked over at Merlin, who stared straight ahead. He could see a tear running down his cheek. “I’m sorry that I’m not brave like your mother. I-I don’t want you to hate me, Merlin.”
“Pull over.” Merlin said simply.
Arthur looked over hesitantly, but did as instructed.
“Look at me, Arthur.” Arthur did so slowly. Merlin took his face in his hands. “I could never hate you. You are just as my mum was. You could have gotten rid of this baby so easily, and saved your own life, but you didn’t. You gave this baby a chance and you brought us together. I will always, always love you.” He kissed him tenderly. He pulled back and stroked Arthur’s cheek. “I just want you to give yourself the same chance. I understand that you’re scared and why and I won’t force you to do something that you’re not comfortable with, but I want you to please give yourself a chance. And I promise I will be here with you every step of the way.”
Arthur nodded. He had no doubt that Merlin would be there for him to lean and would take care of him. He wanted desperately to say he would do it, but he couldn’t manage to form the words.
Merlin sighed, but kissed Arthur’s forehead. He took him in his arms and hugged him tightly.” It’s ok. Just please promise me that you’ll think about it.”
“I will.” Arthur promised.
~*~
Arthur stared at a picture of his mother. It was one of the only ones he had. His father had given it to him before his first chemotherapy treatment. It was a simple picture. She was lying in bed, pregnant with him, and gazing down at her stomach with the most beautiful smile. It had given him a tremendous amount of piece during each treatment.
Arthur kept to his word and thought of nothing but what to do next for days. He tried to weigh the pros and cons, but it wasn’t making the decision any easier. He had spoken to Dr. Emerson and made an appointment to speak with him the next day. He still hadn’t decided what to do, but was determined to make a decision. He had spent most of the day staring at his mother’s picture, hoping that she would help him somehow decide. After three, it finally worked. He came to the only decision he felt he could live with. He picked up his phone and called Lance. “I need your help with something.”
~*~
When Merlin got home from work, he was surprised to find Arthur dressed in a suit, an oversized suit to accommodate his oversized belly, but looking very dapper nonetheless. He practically did a double take. “What’s going on?”
“We’re all going out tonight.” Arthur announced, doing up his cufflinks.
“We are?” Merlin asked skeptically. “I didn’t think you’d be up for any kind of socializing.”
Arthur shrugged. “I’m not really. My feet are killing me. I look like a giant penguin. And I can barely keep my eyes open.”
“Well, then it’s clearly the right time to party.”
Arthur chuckled. “I want to do this...for you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Just trust me. I’ve put out a suit for you on our bed and we’re going to meet our friends in an hour.” Arthur explained.
Merlin wrinkled his nose. “I hate wearing suits.”
Arthur put his arms around Merlin’s neck. “Please, for me.”
Merlin rolled his eyes, but had a soft smile on his face. “Alright.”
“Thank you.” Arthur gave him a peck on the lips.
“Where are we going?”
Arthur gave him a long, lingering kiss. Merlin still had his eyes closed when Arthur pulled back. “It’s a surprise.”
~*~
When they arrived at their destination, Merlin smiled. “Does this mean what I think it does?”
Arthur just smirked. “Perhaps.”
Merlin laughed. “Piano Kensington.” Merlin looked at the narrow opening. “It’s really tiny.”
“It’s bigger on the inside.”
“Like the TARDIS.”
Arthur rolled his eyes. “You’re such a nerd, Merlin.” Merlin laughed as Arthur took his arm and escorted him inside. “The others are inside.”
They walked into a somewhat small rectangular room with pale yellow walls. There was a small black leather couch in the front, with a few rectangular tables stuffed into the room. A grand piano was in the back. Gwaine, Ganieda, Lancelot, and Gwen were seated at a table near the piano. Merlin and Arthur were greeted with big smiles and hugs. Lance and Gwaine were looking just as dashing as Arthur and Merlin in black tie suits. Ganieda looked stunning in a fiery red spaghetti strapped dress. Gwen looked beautiful in an off the shoulder purple floor length dress.
“So young Pendragon, you’ve got us all dressed up. What’s the special occasion?” Gwaine asked, guzzling champagne already.
“Can’t a man just invite his friends out for a night of drinking, good cheer, and music?” Arthur asked.
“Not a man named Arthur Pendragon.” Gwaine gave Arthur a cheeky grin.
Lance shook his head and looked at Gwaine with fondness and annoyance. “Would you let the man talk?”
“Thank you.” Arthur said, looking over at Lance appreciatively. “And thank you for getting your friend to let us have this place for the night.” Lance nodded. Arthur cleared his throat. “I just really want you all to know how much your support over the years, and especially now, has meant to me. I haven’t always made it easy, but you’ve all stuck with me and I know I don’t say it a lot, but I love you.”
Gwen sniffled loudly and buried her face in Lance’s shoulder. Out of all of them she had known Arthur the longest and had rarely heard him say that. She had a feeling that there was something Arthur wasn’t saying, and that it was bad. Gwaine and Ganieda just smiled at Arthur. Gwaine squeezed Ganieda’s hand extra hard. Ganieda squeezed his hand back and poked him in the side to make him laugh. She could tell that he was valiantly trying to hold in his emotions, but was close to cracking. The last thing he wanted to do was lose it in front of his friends, especially Arthur.
Merlin just put his arm around Arthur and beamed up at his boyfriend. He knew how much that took for Arthur to say out loud in front of everyone and was proud of him.
Arthur continued. “As you all know, I’ve been working on this bucket list of mine and having been trying to cross things off for the last few months. There have been many things on there that I’ve been very nervous about. But what I’m about to do was one that I was especially dreading. I wanted to play the piano for an audience. I suppose I’m cheating little by just doing it for my friends, but baby steps I suppose.” He took Merlin’s hand and walked over to the piano. “Sit here please.” He pointed to the stool right beside the piano. Merlin took a seat. Merlin saw his video camera mounted on a stand behind Arthur and grinned.
Arthur sat at the piano and adjusted the microphone. He looked down and took a few deep breaths before starting. Merlin smiled when he recognized the opening melody of “Can’t Help Falling in Love.”
Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you
Arthur faltered slightly starting the next verse. He stopped briefly and closed his eyes. When he looked up, Merlin mouthed, “it's ok” and nodded for him to continue. Arthur got back on track. He looked into Merlin’s eyes.
Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So take my hand, and take my whole life too
Cause I can't help falling in love with you
Merlin’s eyes were brimming with tears.
Like a river flows so surely to the sea
Oh my darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So won't you please just take my hand
Arthur paused and reached out for Merlin, who gripped his hand tightly. Arthur didn’t even notice that tears were running down his cheeks as well. He started to play again.
...and take my whole life too
Cause I can't help falling in love, in love with you
Cause I can't help falling in love, falling in love,
I keep falling in love with you
Before Arthur finished playing, Merlin sat right beside him. When he was finished, Merlin grabbed Arthur’s face and kissed him fiercely. Arthur wrapped one hand around Merlin’s neck and the other strayed unconsciously to his belly. Merlin pulled back slowly and pressed his forehead to Arthur’s. “I love you.” Merlin whispered.
“I’m going to do the chemo.” Merlin pulled back a little. “I keep thinking about my mother. I know that if there was a way she could have survived, she would have taken it. I can’t let our child grow up without me, not without doing everything in my power to make it. I’m scared, but I know that I have to fight.”
“We’re going to fight together.” Merlin vowed.
~*~
Gaius scheduled Arthur for five cycles of treatment, with a two week rest period between cycles. Merlin drove Arthur to his first treatment and to the almost daily doctor’s appointments afterwards to check Arthur’s blood count. Gaius was especially worried because the last time Arthur had chemo it had lowered his healthy blood cells considerably and he had been prone to infections, which now could be not only harmful to him but the baby as well.
At first, Arthur’s symptoms were manageable and were no different than during the first trimester of his pregnancy. He was incredibly tired and threw up violently the first day after treatment. But that quickly diminished with the anti-nausea medication he had been prescribed.
Taking care of Arthur became a team effort. After his second cycle of treatment, he developed mouth sores that made it incredibly difficult to eat or swallow. Gaius had prescribed him “magic mouthwash” to help with the pain, but it wasn’t helping. Ganieda bought a month’s supply of popsicles and ate them with him, while introducing him to the joys of “Doctor Who” with a marathon viewing of the show. The popsicles helped with the pain. Merlin was incredibly happy that Arthur was feeling better, but couldn’t help feeling a tad jealous (“You popped your ‘Who’ cherry without me.”)
Arthur could barely make it out of bed most days. Ganieda and Gwaine tried to engage him with some more light exercise, but he was having none of it this time. The only one who was able to coax him outside for short walks. Gwen even managed to convince Arthur to come to one meeting of a cancer support group she volunteered at. Arthur didn’t say anything, but did feel somewhat comforted being around others who knew what he was going through.
Merlin took care of Arthur every way he knew how. He made sure Arthur ate right, managed Arthur’s medications, and helped him every time (and it was quite a lot) he needed to go to the bathroom. He went shopping for baby clothes, diapers, formula, and a crib with his sister and Gwen and had started to fix up the guest room next to his and Arthur’s bedroom as a temporary nursery. He had also started talking to the baby. He would rub Arthur’s feet and read stories to the baby or tell her about his day. Unfortunately, Arthur became more and more withdrawn and not talking to Merlin or anyone.
Merlin came home and found Arthur asleep in the comfy leather armchair in the family room. Merlin approached quietly and kissed Arthur’s forehead, sweeping his fringe aside. Arthur blinked open his eyes slowly. “Hey, Artie-
“I told you not to call me that.” Arthur grunted.
“Sorry.” He took a thick book out of the plastic bag in his hand. “I bought a book of baby names. Maybe we can go through it and try and narrow down our choices?” He handed the book to Arthur.
Arthur dropped the book immediately. “We don’t need some stupid book to name our child.”
Merlin sighed and picked up the book. He wrung his hands, trying to think of something to say, something that might engage Arthur’s interest. “You’re birthday’s in a few weeks. Do you want to have some kind of get together with your friends?”
“No. I just want to stay here.”
“Is there anything special I can get you?”
“You could make me not sick. That would be a great present.” Arthur stood up with some effort, waving off Merlin’s attempt to help. He walked over to their bedroom.
“Where are you going?” Merlin asked, following Arthur.
“I’m going to take a bath.”
“Do you need help?”
Arthur turned to face him. “No. I can still bathe myself. I’m not that pathetic.” He closed the door behind him.
Merlin sighed, laying his head against the door. Soon, he went to it on their bed. He tried to look the baby naming book, but couldn’t concentrate, one eye on the bathroom door. After about twenty minutes he heard a loud thud and muffled shout. He raced to the door. “Arthur?!” When he opened the door, Arthur was naked on the ground, crouched on one knee. Merlin raced to him. “Arthur, what happened?” He helped Arthur up slowly.
“I just lost my balance. I just fell on my knee, it’s ok.” He said shakily.
Merlin inspected his knee. There was a big, red bruise already forming. “Do you think I should call Dr. Emerson?”
“It’s just a bruise, Merlin.” Arthur said, walking away from Merlin with a slight limp.
“But you’ve been bruising a lot easier lately.”
“I’m well aware of that, Merlin. I think I know what’s going on with my body better than you do.” Arthur turned to the dresser drawer and had difficulty opening it.
“I know that, Arthur. I’m just worried. And...” He stopped when he noticed Arthur just staring at the contents of the drawer. “Arthur, is something wrong?”
Arthur turned to him, staring down at his hands. He sighed. “I can’t feel my handsome feet. I can’t even pick up a shirt.”
Merlin calmly walked over and picked out a shirt for Arthur. He helped Arthur raise his arms and put the large burgundy pullover on him. “It’s ok.”
“It’s not ok, Merlin. I can’t even fucking dress myself.” His voice was trembling and he avoided looking into Merlin’s eyes.
Merlin lifted Arthur’s face to look at him. “We’re going to call Gaius, and he’ll know what to do. You’ll get through this.” He looked confidently into Arthur’s eyes and nodded. Arthur nodded back. Merlin led Arthur to their bed and held him close. He kissed the top of Arthur’s head.
“I’m sorry.” Arthur said suddenly.
“What are you sorry about?”
“I’m sure it hasn’t escaped your attention that I can be a horrible prat when I’m sick.” Arthur explained.
“I hate to break it to you, Arthur but that’s the case even when you’re not sick.” Merlin teased.
Arthur laughed for the first time in weeks. “Shut up, Merlin.” Arthur’s smile fell. “I don’t mean to take this out on you. I know you’re doing your best and I can’t imagine how much worse I would feel if you weren’t here.”
“I’m a big boy, Arthur. I can take whatever you dish out.” He chuckled. “I mean, within reason. I know why you act the way you do and I know that you love me.”
“I do.” He snuggled closer to Merlin. “I just want this to be over. I’m so scared, Merlin especially for the baby. I’ve barely made it past the first month of treatment. I don’t know how to do this for another three months.”
Merlin didn’t know what to say; he just held Arthur a little tighter.
After Arthur fell asleep, Merlin grabbed one of Arthur’s shirts. He quietly left the room and looked for his sister. She was in the kitchen chopping up fruits and vegetables for one of her smoothies. Merlin grabbed her hand and placed Arthur’s shirt in it. “Here.”
She looked down at it and crinkled her nose. “Sorry Merlin, not my week for laundry.” She attempted to hand it back.
Merlin shook his head. “I don’t care what you have to do, but you need to get some kind of vision.”
Ganieda looked at the shirt incredulously. “Merlin, you know that’s not how my visions work. If I could help you, don’t you think I would be doing everything I can? I’ve been trying. The only thing I see when I think about saving Arthur is you and the baby.”
“That’s it?”
Ganieda shrugged. “Yes.”
“That’s great, Ganieda.” Merlin retorted. “That doesn’t tell me anything.”
“I’m sorry, Merlin. You know I only see what I’m meant to.”
Merlin groaned, snatching Arthur’s shirt back. “So what does that mean? I’m not meant to save Arthur?”
Ganieda shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know.”
Merlin ran his hands through his hair, tugging at it roughly. “Then what good are your stupid visions? You can tell people all kinds of stupid shite for your business, but when it really counts you’re completely useless. You couldn’t save mum and now you can’t save Arthur. What good are you?”
Ganieda recoiled at Merlin’s words. She knew he was incredibly stressed, but she’d never seen him like his. He had never said something so hurtful before. She dug her fingernails into her palm, and tried to hold back a bitter retort. She could tell by the look on his face that he knew what he said was wrong.
He covered his face with his hand and shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Gan. You didn’t deserve that.”
Ganieda put her arms around Merlin and hugged him. “I know that you’re worried.”
“I’m more than worried. I’m scared out of my mind. And I can’t let Arthur see that. He is in so much pain and I’m useless to stop it.” His breath hitched and he fought back tears. “I can’t bear to lose anyone else, Gan. I don’t want to lose him.”
Ganieda pulled back and looked at her brother. “I understand why you have to keep it together for Arthur, but you can’t keep this all inside. You can talk to me or Gwaine.” Merlin nodded. “Merlin, I may not have any visions to back this up, but I truly believe with all my heart that Arthur will survive. You’re going to get him through this.”
Merlin could see that Ganieda truly believed that. He hoped that he could find the faith that she had.
Part 5