(no subject)
I hate coming in last, I hate not being good enough, I hate it all. When I was young everything always came easily to me. For school I got straight As and never had to try. At swimming I always made it to the finals and hardly practiced. I hate that it's now the opposite. Even when I try I fail. This post has been brought on by water polo. I hate my coach(es). Tonight I was informed that I would be playing on the "B" team at provincials, but it's not really a "B" team, it's just the cadet team, but it's also not really a cadet team, and this is so that I get to play a lot rather than being benched. I hate that this is how she tells me I suck. I hate that she can't just tell me "You're not that great and we want a chance at winning, but don't worry, you'll get to play with the cadet team which is playing for extra practice". I hate that she wants to win, and she doesn't care who she squishes on the way to the gold. And the worst part is that WE NEVER WIN ANYWAYS. I hate that even when I try my hardest it's not good enough. I hate that I'm going to Vancouver and going to have to spend a shit load of my money that I've saved for school just to sit on the bench most of the time. I hate that she makes up see-through excuses about why she doesn't play me but the truth is RIGHT there, but she lies so she doesn't get in trouble. I'd appreciate if she'd just be straight with me. She always tells me that I should just tell her things like why I can't go to practice, why I didn't do what I was supposed to. She's seriously just a terrible coach sometimes. I hated my coach last year but I just wish he were still my coach because he tells me what I'm doing wrong and how to fix it. Not what I'm doing wrong and "don't do it again". I hate getting in trouble for things and then her not telling me what I should do instead and then getting in trouble again for doing it when she never told me what to do instead. I really love water polo but sometimes I freaking hate it. I'd really just appreciate some honesty from my coaches and instruction along with the criticism. I don't like coming home and crying after water polo when my parents are paying so much damn money for me to do this because I want to do it.