this is quite a repetetive little diddy...
For the longest time I was only truly comfortable around guys and more than just the better part of my friends were guys. I've never been a girly girl and never been truly comfortable around other girls, however recently I've found myself more or less a member of an all-girl group of friends. Not only are my friends mostly girls now, but I've stopped clicking so well with all of my male friends, but I don't find myself anymore girly than before. It's a strange place for me, because I'm still not entirely comfortable around girls, I don't feel quite in place around them. For someone who has stayed in a steady place for so long I'm not sure what to do or at least what I'm supposed to do. As I'm sure I've mentioned somewhat recently on here I find myself quite distant from feelings; of sympathy, understanding of other, compassion, etc. One of my male friends I'm still quite close with describes it, I've become a very cold person, I've forgotten how to be truly nice. My judgemental personality which I've had my whole life has grown to a new low, I'm constantly commenting, critiquing, making fun of, discussing, gossiping. It's disgusting, I know and a lot of people tell me.
I'm not entirely happy with where I am at the moment, this distantness, this new type A in me scares the hell out of me. I've always been a very compassionate and caring person and not truly feeling that anymore leaves me so lost. Obviously I've come to some conclusions about this new personality growth (or shrink?) but I'm lost for that one final conclusion which explains it, gives it a name, the one thing about it that can tell me where I go from here.
This loneliness that comes from not being able to connect with anyone emotionally has left this void, I don't understand myself anymore - atleast even less than ever before. Not only do I feel as though I have no one to talk to, I feel as though I have nothing to talk to anyone about. I'm not a stranger to being alone and wanting some affection but normally I have no trouble finding that and returning that affection.
THIS LOSS OF CONTROL OF MYSELF HAS ME IN A STATE I CAN'T QUITE PUT INTO WORDS, I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM.
I'm not entirely happy with where I am at the moment, this distantness, this new type A in me scares the hell out of me. I've always been a very compassionate and caring person and not truly feeling that anymore leaves me so lost. Obviously I've come to some conclusions about this new personality growth (or shrink?) but I'm lost for that one final conclusion which explains it, gives it a name, the one thing about it that can tell me where I go from here.
This loneliness that comes from not being able to connect with anyone emotionally has left this void, I don't understand myself anymore - atleast even less than ever before. Not only do I feel as though I have no one to talk to, I feel as though I have nothing to talk to anyone about. I'm not a stranger to being alone and wanting some affection but normally I have no trouble finding that and returning that affection.
THIS LOSS OF CONTROL OF MYSELF HAS ME IN A STATE I CAN'T QUITE PUT INTO WORDS, I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM.