and if it takes shit to make bliss, well, I feel pretty blissfully.
well... the last six weeks or so have been overwhelming. throughout the second half of October, I kept holding off on writing about anything that was going on, mostly because I felt like none of it was mine to write about. so many of my friends had serious loss and sadness in their lives in such a short time, and all I could do was stand by and try to support them. I was already feeling pretty vulnerable after what had happened with Alex, and I was really struggling to keep my emotional resources from being completely exhausted. I actually thought it might be possible... until my grandmother was diagnosed with lymphoma.
she'd been saying for weeks, since she first went into the hospital, that it was "the beginning of the end" for her. all of us had tried to talk her out of that frame of mind, but when my dad told me about the lymphoma, all I could think was, "holy shit, it IS the beginning of the end."
I basically spent two days moping on the couch and not getting anything done, and then managed to snap myself out of it to some degree. at that point, her prognosis was pretty good. she was supposed to undergo three courses of chemotherapy, which the doctors believed would put the cancer into remission. I didn't see her at all during the first course of the chemo - I had a cold and no one wanted to risk her getting sick - but I guess it was pretty hard on her. when I finally did get in to see her, she seemed completely dejected. apparently at that point she had already started saying that she didn't want to continue the chemo treatment - that she wanted to give up, essentially. at this point it is almost certain that she will choose not to finish out the chemo, which makes me really sad, but in a weirdly calm and accepting way.
a few good things have happened in the midst of all this, of course. a few weeks ago I got a weekend job at a coffee shop - I was starting to worry about how long it would take me to get the kind of job I was really looking for, and I was also damn close to running out of money. as it turned out, I didn't need to worry, because I landed an office job the next week. now, in addition to the weekend gig, I'll be working 20 hours a week as an administrative assistant at a company that manufactures and distributes medical devices. (it's called Normatec, in case anyone's interested.) once again I've gone right past "having stuff to do" and straight into the realm of "crazy busy", but I'm better off keeping myself occupied, and it'll be good to have some extra money in my pocket around the holidays.
it might go without saying that I voted a straight Democratic ticket, and was exceedingly happy about the outcome of the midterm elections. I was also pretty content with the midterm I had that Thursday - I'd taken part in a couple of informal study groups and hardly panicked at all. (I ended up getting an A-, so my confidence, or lack of sheer blinding terror, was apparently not misplaced.) I was slated to start the new job the following Monday, so I went to New York over that weekend for a brief respite and a lovely visit with my friends down there. I had a great weekend with them - I hadn't seen any of them since May or earlier, and didn't even realize how terribly I missed them.
unfortunately, that little bit of R&R wasn't enough to get rid of my lingering cold, which came back with a VENGEANCE, making my first week at work less than awesome. I had to call in sick on my second day, and then leave early the next day because I was dizzy... not the best way to impress a new employer. oh well. hopefully this week will be easier, you know, what with it only being 3 days long and all.
in spite of my persistent cough and the emotional impact of my grandmother's decision, I was starting to feel, by the time this weekend came around, like things might be getting better. Friday night I got to hang out with the local chapter of the Divine 13 for a while, which doesn't happen as regularly as any of us would like, I think. (not that I can really complain... in fact, I must owe Laura some kind of debt of honor by now for all the times she's done my share of planning D13 activities as well as her own.)
then on Saturday afternoon, I was grocery shopping after my shift at the coffee shop and got a call from my sister, who told me she'd just been on the phone with my dad, who had gotten a frantic and tearful phone call from my mom saying that something terrible had happened. (who says my family can't communicate?) I came home to learn that one of my cousins - the youngest son of my mom's older sister - had died in his sleep on Friday night. he was 25 years old. twenty-fucking-five. we don't yet know what happened, except that he wasn't using drugs and it's very unlikely that it was suicide - i.e., it was probably some undetected medical condition. my mother was beside herself. I haven't seen her cry that much in years. I think in some misplaced way she feels responsible or guilty. since my aunt died a little over 5 years ago, my mom has always felt like she had to take care of her nephews, even though they live 2000 miles away and were already basically adults by that time.
as for me, well, I'm a little bit shell-shocked. I feel like the only rational reaction is to put 100 percent of my energy into everything I'm doing right now, because - well - because I'm still here, and I'm damn lucky, and I'm just in the process of realizing that. at the same time, ironically, I was so blindsided by this that I'm having a hard time sorting out what I want and need to do... my brain is just shaken up and discombobulated, I guess.
yeah... definitely glad this is going to be a three-day week.
she'd been saying for weeks, since she first went into the hospital, that it was "the beginning of the end" for her. all of us had tried to talk her out of that frame of mind, but when my dad told me about the lymphoma, all I could think was, "holy shit, it IS the beginning of the end."
I basically spent two days moping on the couch and not getting anything done, and then managed to snap myself out of it to some degree. at that point, her prognosis was pretty good. she was supposed to undergo three courses of chemotherapy, which the doctors believed would put the cancer into remission. I didn't see her at all during the first course of the chemo - I had a cold and no one wanted to risk her getting sick - but I guess it was pretty hard on her. when I finally did get in to see her, she seemed completely dejected. apparently at that point she had already started saying that she didn't want to continue the chemo treatment - that she wanted to give up, essentially. at this point it is almost certain that she will choose not to finish out the chemo, which makes me really sad, but in a weirdly calm and accepting way.
a few good things have happened in the midst of all this, of course. a few weeks ago I got a weekend job at a coffee shop - I was starting to worry about how long it would take me to get the kind of job I was really looking for, and I was also damn close to running out of money. as it turned out, I didn't need to worry, because I landed an office job the next week. now, in addition to the weekend gig, I'll be working 20 hours a week as an administrative assistant at a company that manufactures and distributes medical devices. (it's called Normatec, in case anyone's interested.) once again I've gone right past "having stuff to do" and straight into the realm of "crazy busy", but I'm better off keeping myself occupied, and it'll be good to have some extra money in my pocket around the holidays.
it might go without saying that I voted a straight Democratic ticket, and was exceedingly happy about the outcome of the midterm elections. I was also pretty content with the midterm I had that Thursday - I'd taken part in a couple of informal study groups and hardly panicked at all. (I ended up getting an A-, so my confidence, or lack of sheer blinding terror, was apparently not misplaced.) I was slated to start the new job the following Monday, so I went to New York over that weekend for a brief respite and a lovely visit with my friends down there. I had a great weekend with them - I hadn't seen any of them since May or earlier, and didn't even realize how terribly I missed them.
unfortunately, that little bit of R&R wasn't enough to get rid of my lingering cold, which came back with a VENGEANCE, making my first week at work less than awesome. I had to call in sick on my second day, and then leave early the next day because I was dizzy... not the best way to impress a new employer. oh well. hopefully this week will be easier, you know, what with it only being 3 days long and all.
in spite of my persistent cough and the emotional impact of my grandmother's decision, I was starting to feel, by the time this weekend came around, like things might be getting better. Friday night I got to hang out with the local chapter of the Divine 13 for a while, which doesn't happen as regularly as any of us would like, I think. (not that I can really complain... in fact, I must owe Laura some kind of debt of honor by now for all the times she's done my share of planning D13 activities as well as her own.)
then on Saturday afternoon, I was grocery shopping after my shift at the coffee shop and got a call from my sister, who told me she'd just been on the phone with my dad, who had gotten a frantic and tearful phone call from my mom saying that something terrible had happened. (who says my family can't communicate?) I came home to learn that one of my cousins - the youngest son of my mom's older sister - had died in his sleep on Friday night. he was 25 years old. twenty-fucking-five. we don't yet know what happened, except that he wasn't using drugs and it's very unlikely that it was suicide - i.e., it was probably some undetected medical condition. my mother was beside herself. I haven't seen her cry that much in years. I think in some misplaced way she feels responsible or guilty. since my aunt died a little over 5 years ago, my mom has always felt like she had to take care of her nephews, even though they live 2000 miles away and were already basically adults by that time.
as for me, well, I'm a little bit shell-shocked. I feel like the only rational reaction is to put 100 percent of my energy into everything I'm doing right now, because - well - because I'm still here, and I'm damn lucky, and I'm just in the process of realizing that. at the same time, ironically, I was so blindsided by this that I'm having a hard time sorting out what I want and need to do... my brain is just shaken up and discombobulated, I guess.
yeah... definitely glad this is going to be a three-day week.