No More Love Songs
No More Love Songs
By Shinea Marion Igielinski
“So, Anna, are you going to be able to make it to the party?” Jason asked, glancing over at his fiancée, who had been quietly reading a book. He took a quick glance at the title; “In Cold Blood” by Truman Capote.
“My office Christmas party. I thought I told you last week?”
“Oh, that’s right!” Anna cried, smacking her forehead. “I’m sorry, I forgot. I am going to a press conference with my father. It’s his first as the newly elected senator and he really wants Mom and I to be there with him. I can try to make it out early, but no promises.”
“Really? Wow I am jealous,” Jason mocked. “I wish I could go to a press conference. That sounds so much better than a dumb Christmas party.”
“If you really want to I can talk to Dad. I’ll make sure we get front door seats.” Anna replied, a devilish grin spread across her face.
“Oh, sorry I can’t. They put me in charge of bringing the eggnog, and if I don’t bring eggnog to those people, there will be hell to pay on Monday.” joked Jason. Anna laughed, throwing her head back.
“Your such a dork!” she said, laughing and giving him a playful slap on the shoulder. He chuckled along with her, listening to Anna’s girlish giggle. After all giggles were gone, they went back to silence. Anna returned back to her book, and Jason focused on the dark, snowy road in front of him. The Washington DC highway was barely visible through the thick clumps of snow that fell from the sky like an endless supply of confetti. Jason squinted his eyes, trying to make out what the road signs were saying, concentrating on not missing their own exit. When he finally spotted the green exit sign, or what was left of the sign underneath the white blanket that covered it, he breathed a sign of relief and turned the steering wheel, carefully guiding the Mercedes across the slick highway.
Anna, becoming bored with her book, reached up and turned on the radio. A slow song had just started; Solitaire, by The Carpenters.
“Oh my gosh, I love this song!” Anna cried, turning up the volume, “It is such a sad song.” She paused for a moment, listening to the lyrics about the man who foolishly lost his only love, and spends his days waiting in vain for the day she would return:
And Solitaire's the only game in town
And every road that takes him, takes him down
And by himself it's easy to pretend
She's coming back again
“Don’t worry,” Jason replied, taking a hold of her hand, “It never will.”
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There was a man, a lonely man
Who lost his love through his indifference
Jason examined his face in the windows reflection. He could see the dark bags under his young eyes. He ran his and across his perfectly combed dark brown hair, which had started to protest against the mousse, sticking out in the back. Jason looked down at his own cup. He swirled the eggnog and the extra whiskey he had added to it around the cup, watching the creamy tan liquid create a thick coating on the inside of the plastic. He took a sip, grimacing as the whiskey burned his tongue. There was a squeak of his door opening from behind him, but he didn’t take his eyes off his cup.
“Hey Jason, what are you doing in here al by your lonesome self?” asked a women’s voice. He turned around and saw Jennifer Montega, Jason’s morning co-anchor standing in the doorway. Her long, wavy black hair was free from its usual bun, and her navy pant suit was replaced with a black mini skirt that revealed long, tan legs, and a black sweater that Jason couldn’t help but notice showed off her “assets” a little too well. She smiled at him and closed the door. “What’s on your mind?”
“Nothing,” he muttered, looking back down at his drink. They were silent for a moment, until Jason looked up and noticed Jennifer was right next to him.
“Did you…uh, see Anna out there?” Jason asked.
“No, sorry babe.” She replied, a hint of happiness showing slightly through the sympathy. She leaned up against the back of his desk, her body only a few feet from his. Jason could smell her usual sweet flowery mix of lavender and honeysuckle that seemed to follow her everywhere.
“Oh, okay. Well, she said she probably couldn’t make it anyways. She’s going to some press conference with her parents.” He explained with a sigh. He tried to focus his gaze forward, but it was getting much more difficult by the second to focus his thoughts anywhere’s else but the tan beauty that was now mere inches away. For months now, Jason had been desperately trying to hide his crush on Jennifer. Sure, her loved Anna, and always would, but there was something about Jennifer that even the mere sight of her put butterflies in his stomach and made him weak in the knees.
Her arm brushed against his, sending a tingle up his arm. He looked up and saw himself reflected in her chocolate brown eyes. He noticed her mouth was twisted into a seductive smile. He could tell that she was seducing him, but for some reason, this didn’t concern him…
He didn’t know who made the first move, but quite frankly, he didn’t care.
In a split second, months of held back feelings and passion were splayed out into the open. Papers flew off the desk, and their glasses of eggnog crashed onto the office floor, spraying the black marble tile with warm eggnog and tiny pieces of thin plastic.
They were now so close that only her thick black sweater and his pale blue cotton button-up shirt were the only things standing between the two.
Jason took in her sweet taste of cinnamon and cherry Chapstick. Her embrace was just how he had pictured it; soft, but powerful. What he wasn’t expecting was the amount of yearning in the kisses, as if she had been fantasizing about this just as much as he had.
He didn’t hear the door open behind them, or the even the sound of heels on the tiled floor. In fact, it wasn’t until Jennifer pulled her lips away from his and turned her focus towards the door that he had even noticed that they were no longer alone. Jason followed her focus to the door, and saw a tall, petite women in black heels, black pants, and a grey sweater was standing rigid in the doorway. Tears were running down her flushed face.
“Anna!” Jason gasped, untangling himself from Jennifer’s arms. He didn’t know how long she had been standing there, but it was apparent she had seen more than enough. Anna turned around and ran through the rows off cubicles towards the elevator. Jason lunged after her, his now wrinkled, unbuttoned shirt catching on the corner of the desk, causing him to slip on the spilled eggnog. Regaining his balance, he tried to follow her black hair that bounced with every step she took, but it got lost in the sea of co-workers. He ran towards the elevators and he could see her stepping into one at the end of the hall. He yelled out, trying to make her hold the elevator, but it was no use. The only thing that met him at the elevator was his reflection in the golden elevator doors.
Jason stood there for what felt like years, starring at his reflection. He was already regretting tonight’s actions, mentally kicking himself allowing him to give in so easily to temptation. Closing his eyes and placing his pale face in his hands, he could still see his fiancée’s eyes as she stepped onto the elevator; her large, shiny blue “sapphire eyes” as he had called them. They were painful to look at.
“I’m so sorry,” he mumbled, though he knew she couldn’t hear him.
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Another day, a lonely day
So much to say that goes unspoken
And through the night, his sleepless nights
His eyes are closed, his heart is broken
It was a day just like the last, and the one before that one, and the one before that.
He woke up, got dressed, grabbed his bag, and headed down to the café. Nothing unusual. As he walked out the door, he noticed he had a message on his answering machine, which hadn’t been used in so long he could have sworn there were cobwebs growing inside it. He pressed the “listen” button an the machine, and listened quietly as the tape rewound, and then played back the message. It was from his manager at the restaurant he recently got hired to work at:
“Jason Heeley? This is Michael Fitzgerald.” boomed a deep, gruff voice through the speaker, “I am calling you to inform you that there is no need to come into work today. We have found a replacement for you; one who actually gives a damn about his job. You will be receiving your official notice in the mail within the next couple weeks. I thought I would just give you a heads up.” He paused for a moment, carefully choosing his next words, then continued, “Too bad, I actually liked you. Well, have a good day.” Beep.
Jason let out an soft sigh, hit the “erase” button, then made his way out of the apartment. It was another chilly March day, complete with a light rainfall that made the air feel even cooler. Jason listened to the clip-clop of his damp shoes as he slowly made his way down the street. He slid through the café door, and shook his head, making small droplets of water fly from his drenched shaggy brown hair.
Scottie, the bizarrely happy teenage cashier was in his usual place behind the register, but today a young girl with a long brown ponytail perched high on the back of her head was standing next to him. A nametag on her chest read “Geraldine”, and under it read in bold black letters, “Be nice to! I’m a trainee!” Jason gave a small smile to her, and she blushed.
“Hey Mr. Heeley, the usual?” Scottie asked. Jason nodded, and Scottie helped the new girl enter in his order. Jason watched her thin hands fumble over the buttons. They reminded him of when he used to watch Anna type her papers for college. They used to sit next to each other on the couch; him watching some criminal television show, and her typing away vigorously, as if her life depended on it.
“That will be a $1.25,” Geraldine informed. Jason reached into his bag and pulled out a crumpled dollar bill and a quarter. She took the money as Scottie handed him a light brown Styrofoam cup with a black lid.
“Here you go, medium coffee, two cream and two sugars. See ya later, Mr. Heeley!”
“Scottie, you can call me Jason. I feel old when you call me a ‘Mr.’”.
“Sure, Mr. He… uh, Jason.”
Jason gave him a quick smile, then grabbed his cup and headed towards the back of the café. He took a seat as his usual booth, and pulled out a sketchbook and pencil. On the wall across from him was a duplicated picture of the Mona Lisa. He looked at it for a moment, taking in every detail, and began sketching it himself in the book. Although a radio was playing an old Avril Lavigne song in the background, he could still slightly hear Scottie and Geraldine’s hushed voices in deep conversation at the front of the store
“So, who is that guy?” Geraldine murmured.
“Who him?” Scottie softly replied. Jason felt two pairs of eyes glance his way, although he made no indication that he could hear them. “His name is Jason Heeley. He used to be a big time news reporter…”
“Used to be? What happened?”
“Well…” Scottie started. He paused for a moment. Jason imagined he was checking around for any eavesdroppers, as if there was even anybody to listen. Beside the three of them, the café was almost completely empty, except for an older man sitting at a wooden table towards the front, reading the paper and taking an occasional sip from a silver thermos.
Scottie continued in a hushed voice so quiet, Jason had to strain his ears just to hear what he was saying. “Well, you see, he used to be engaged to Anna Olsen, Senator Harry Olsen’s daughter. They were considered the sort of “it” couple of DC. Everybody thought they had the perfect relationship. Dated for three years, engaged for one. They even had plans to have a Hawaiian wedding. Jeez, like half of Capitol Hill was invited.”
“Holy crap, how do you know all this?” Geraldine asked, amazed.
“My dad worked at the news station with him.” Scottie bragged “Well, anyways. its not totally clear what happened next, but the story goes that apparently Anna caught Jason cheating on her with some other woman. I think it was with one of his co-workers. Anyways, the next day she apparently gave him the ring back, and told him something along the lines of ‘I never want to see your face again’.”
“Oh my God,” Geraldine gasped.
“Yeah, and to make matters worse, somebody leaked the incident to some tabloid, and within a week, almost every major newspaper and magazine in the area had their story on the front story.”
“Well, you can’t exactly cheat on a famous politicians daughter and expect to keep it a secret.” Geraldine mumbled. “Actually, now that you mention it, I think I do remember reading about something like this in the Enquirer…”
“Poor guy,” Scottie sighed. “After the story hit the newsstands, he got the axe from ‘Wake Up’. I guess they didn’t want their network to be affiliated with that kind of behavior.”
“Makes sense.”
“Yeah,” Scottie agreed, “Well, I guess you can probably guess what happened next.” Jason felt two pairs of eyes return to him, burrowing a hole of pity and judgment into the back of his head.
“Well, if I was him, I would just forget about her. I mean, what has it been, like four months. Its obvious she’s never coming back…” Geraldine replied, her voice drenched in pity. Jason couldn’t take it anymore. He threw his books back into his bag, grabbed his cup, and marched through the café and out the door, feeling their eyes following him the whole way.
Stupid children, he thought to himself as he walked out into the cold day, What do they know about love? Of course she’s going to come back. She needs me, just like I need her. We were meant for each other. They’ll see…they’ll all see.
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That night, Jason laid in bed, praying for sleep. It didn’t come. It never came. His only visitor was the mocking face of insomnia, making its nightly appearance. He rolled onto one side, then the other, hoping to somehow find that magical spot so comfortable he couldn’t help but fall asleep. No such luck. He rolled onto his back and sighed. He looked over at the clock. The red florescent numbers revealed that it was only 1:13 a.m.. He had only been in bed for an hour and a half, and already it felt like an eternity.
He sat up and before he could fully comprehend what he was doing, he was across the room, dialing her number into the cordless phone. It rang three times, then Anna’s pre-recorded voice sang through the receiver. He listened patiently, a small pain growing in the pit of his stomach. It was the same pain he felt every time, he would see her on the television with her father, or on the front page of a newspaper.
When the voice-mail message had finished, Jason waited for the bright Beeeeep, then stuttered his own message into the receiver, “Hey Anna, it’s me…again. I just wanted to, uh…call to see if you were available this time. I guess not. That’s okay, I’m sure your busy. So, um…I guess I’ll try again later. I’ve been thinking about you…a lot. I really miss you, and I…well I hope we can work this out.” He stopped for a moment, then breathed “I love you. Bye” into the receiver. Click. He let out another sigh and placed the receiver back onto the charger. He climbed back into the bed and wrapped himself tight with the thick plaid print fleece blanket Anna had given him as a birthday present last year. He closed his eyes tight, willing himself to fall asleep. His efforts were in vain, and finally he gave into the insomnia. He rolled onto his stomach and placed his face into the pillow. He could hear the sounds of the club across the street. The loud hum of the bass broke through the window. It pulsed along with Jason’s heartbeat, as though the speakers were hooked up to his heart, and he was the DJ. He closed his eyes, once again willing himself to fall asleep. Once again, it was in vain.
He missed the wonderful dreams he used to have that left him in a joyful, carefree mood the next morning. But those dreams are long gone. Now whenever he closes his eyes, he sees nothing but darkness.
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A little hope, goes up in smoke
Just how it goes, goes without saying
Solitaire!
Brrriiinnnggg! Brrriiinnnggg!
“Jason? It’s Ryan, Ryan Maxell.” said a low vice through the receiver. Jason’s heart dropped into his stomach. It was just Ryan, a close friend of both Jason and Anna’s.
“Oh, hey Ryan. What’s going on?”
“Jason, have you seen the news?” His voice was soft and comforting, as if he was about to console him.
“No, why?” Jason replied, starting to panic. Ryan voice cracked a bit, but he said nothing. “Ryan, what is going on?”
“A fire? Where? Ryan, what is going…?”
“Anna’s dead,” Ryan blurted out. Jason stood still, not believing what he was hearing.
“Dead? No there must be some kind of mistake or something…”
“Jason,” Ryan cried, “The Olsen’s house caught on fire last night. The entire house was engulfed in flames. They found all three of the Olsen’s bodies, burned beyond repair. They could barely recognize the bodies, but the body type of the one victim matched Anna’s perfectly. Jason…I’m so sorry.” His voiced cracked on the last part.
“Ok, thanks,” was all Jason could get out. He fell to his knees, tears welling up in his eyes. He dropped the phone and placed his head in his hands and began to sob.
“Oh God!
Dead?“This can’t be happening!”
How can this be?
“It can’t be!”
But why?
But you can make it all right!
“I can,” he whispered. In a moment of insanity, or sanity, depending on whose eyes you are looking though, Jason got up from the floor and stumbled out of his apartment and up the six flight of stairs that led to the roof. He trembled as he crossed the roof and climbed onto the edge. He turned so his back was facing the busy DC street. He was shaking so bad he couldn’t see straight, but he pulled himself together, knowing that this was something he had to do. Through an open window directly below him, he could hear the words of an all too familiar song floating lazily into the street:
And Solitaire's the only game in town
And every road that takes him, takes him down
And by himself, it's easy to pretend
He'll never love again
And then…darkness.
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Three blocks over, Ryan Maxell stood in the kitchen of his apartment, making a pot of coffee. He pulled out a blue mug, and was about to pour the steaming hot liquid into the cup when a knock at the door nearly gave him a heart attack. He set the coffee pot down and slumped over to the door. He took a quick glance in the mirror in the hallway, flattening his messy blonde hair onto his scalp and wiping away the dried tears stains from his cheeks. He took a deep breath to gain his composure, and opened the door. Standing at his doorstop was a tall, petite woman with bouncy black hair and big, blue eyes. Ryan’s jaw dropped.
“Anna?” He gasped, “But how…they said…you were dead.”
Anna gave a solemn smile. “The cops made a mistake. That wasn’t me they found, it was my cousin. She was staying the night while her parents were away.” She let out a small, sad laugh. “Dad always said we looked too much alike.” Her eyes filled with tears. Ryan moved forward and gave her a hug. They stood there for a moment, until Anna pulled herself away. Wiping the smudged mascara off her face with a Kleenex, she took a deep breath.
“Listen, I need a favor,” she instructed, “I need you to show me where Jason is living. I want to see him, and apologize for everything.”
Ryan sniffled and gave a reassuring smile. “Sure thing. C’mon, lets go. I’m sure he will be overjoyed to see you.”
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There was a man, a lonely man
Who lost his love through his indifference
A heart that cared, that went unchecked
Until it died in his silence