i'm so used to being wrong, so put me where i belong
this song. is. amazing.
it's not exactly something that i would usually pick. but it's beautiful. i have matt&rob to thankg for introducing it to me. harhar.
i haven't updated in quite a while. i figure i'll take this extra hour and twenty minutes that i have, due to a class cancellation, to update everyone on my always-exciting life.
i've been having trouble lately feeling completely content with everything. perhaps it's not content that i am feeling a lack of. in fact, i think it is a surplus of content, and not enough actual happy. too many philosophy classes have me categorizing my feelings and analyzing my life and intentions.
it just seems that i don't know what i want anymore. everything that i thought i was working toward now seems all but important.
today during my first year seminar, i looked out the window. i saw some tree branches, with the vibrant yellow an deep red and burnt orange leaves. the wind was blowing and some leaves were falling. the sun was shining and i could see how blue the sky was. at the same moment my professor was talking about time. how we take it for granted, as people usually speak of time.
it got me thinking of a lot of things seriously. i hardly had time to remember all of the thoughts, with trying to also pay attention as the subject changed.
but i recall feeling selfish. for not having any idea of what i want, and for being too scared to figure it out for myself. and for dragging everybody else along for the ride, for comfort, for the company.
i don't appreciate life enough. i know that it's precious and priceless and wonderful. but i take it for granted because i don't let my life flourish. i bury myself in my safe, comfortable, little burrow. and i just sit and wait for something to try to make me change. someone to present a decision or an obstacle for me. and then i do my best to avoid it.
if i see these things that i need to work on, why don't i just work on them already?
because i'm afraid.
and talking about this makes me think of other things.
such as the way i am contented feeling sad and guilty. i don't know the fuck why.
but i feel like i should be back at the playground next to my house... swinging and crunching leaves by the picnic table, feeling sorry for myself, and longing for certain feelings or events.
only i have no feelings. or events. to long for. everything is fine.
so what the hell am i even talking about? i don't really know.
i'm sick of being fine. give me a direction to go in. whether it's up or down. i need some sort of definition.
and seriously. download this song. join me in my thoughtfulness and pretty songness.
neverending white lights - "the grace"
GO.
it's not exactly something that i would usually pick. but it's beautiful. i have matt&rob to thankg for introducing it to me. harhar.
i haven't updated in quite a while. i figure i'll take this extra hour and twenty minutes that i have, due to a class cancellation, to update everyone on my always-exciting life.
i've been having trouble lately feeling completely content with everything. perhaps it's not content that i am feeling a lack of. in fact, i think it is a surplus of content, and not enough actual happy. too many philosophy classes have me categorizing my feelings and analyzing my life and intentions.
it just seems that i don't know what i want anymore. everything that i thought i was working toward now seems all but important.
today during my first year seminar, i looked out the window. i saw some tree branches, with the vibrant yellow an deep red and burnt orange leaves. the wind was blowing and some leaves were falling. the sun was shining and i could see how blue the sky was. at the same moment my professor was talking about time. how we take it for granted, as people usually speak of time.
it got me thinking of a lot of things seriously. i hardly had time to remember all of the thoughts, with trying to also pay attention as the subject changed.
but i recall feeling selfish. for not having any idea of what i want, and for being too scared to figure it out for myself. and for dragging everybody else along for the ride, for comfort, for the company.
i don't appreciate life enough. i know that it's precious and priceless and wonderful. but i take it for granted because i don't let my life flourish. i bury myself in my safe, comfortable, little burrow. and i just sit and wait for something to try to make me change. someone to present a decision or an obstacle for me. and then i do my best to avoid it.
if i see these things that i need to work on, why don't i just work on them already?
because i'm afraid.
and talking about this makes me think of other things.
such as the way i am contented feeling sad and guilty. i don't know the fuck why.
but i feel like i should be back at the playground next to my house... swinging and crunching leaves by the picnic table, feeling sorry for myself, and longing for certain feelings or events.
only i have no feelings. or events. to long for. everything is fine.
so what the hell am i even talking about? i don't really know.
i'm sick of being fine. give me a direction to go in. whether it's up or down. i need some sort of definition.
and seriously. download this song. join me in my thoughtfulness and pretty songness.
neverending white lights - "the grace"
GO.