68 weeks ago
68 weeks ago was my last post. It was about the fire in the kitchen, and that seems so long ago. Now the kitchen is done, has been done for about 65 weeks I would say, and once again I am sitting at the computer not sure about what I want to type, but knowing that I need to tell someone.
I don't want to hate my husband. I don't hate my husband, I love him but 10, 15, 5, maybe even a year from now I don't want to hate him. Perhaps I should explain some more. We have a lovely daughter, she is such a joy and I love her so very much. So does He. We have always talked about having two, we both want two, and yet I very much doubt that second one will ever happen. Right now we live in the house he grew up in. It is a nice house, the kitchen subfloor is rotten in a few places, and there is a small leak somewhere above the living room. Some of the ceilings are cracking, but it is a nice house, it has served the family well but we need to move, and we will be moving this summer. My aunt and uncle needs help with the farm and my grandmother so we will moving up there, they will help us buy a house and help us get established there and we will be making the payments on it, it will be our house. We are waiting until summer so I can finish my student teaching in the spring, and DD will finish her first year of preschool. Yes you read that right come summer I will be a license elementary teacher.
But none of this is coming to why I am worried about hating my husband in a few years. I feel now is our last chance to have another child, well to be fair last month and maybe the rest of this month. If we had tried my due date would be end of May or June, finished after my student teaching it would be around our moving time, but we could handle that. Once I start teaching taking the time off for maternity leave will be difficult, and our bills will be greater with a house payment, taxes, house insurance and all of that. I will be older and I'm honestly worried about how my body would handle a pregnant, I loved being pregnant but it wasn't easy. I'm worried about our fertility declining as that goes down when you get older.
SO adding in the fertility issues, with the monetary issues as me being the bread winner, adding in the fact that DD will be older as well and I'm worried about sibling bonding or hating, I just don't think that a time will come later.
And DH doesn't think now is a good time. He is worried with me in school and working the stress of being pregnant. DD is now just starting preschool and with him being a Stay at home dad he is enjoying this time. His parents most likely won't approve and he is worried about that. They were not thrilled about DD.
And so I say I understand. That without both of us wanting it I don't want to have another child, and that is true. I know what is to be born for reasons other then just being wanted, and I don't want that for a child of mine.
And so right now I am trying to be understanding. I'm trying to accept that our family maybe be destined just to be the three of us, and that is harder then I thought it would be, because it still feels like someone is missing. And I'm worried that while I don't hate my husband, while I don't resent his emotions and choice on this, that I am respecting that he isn't ready, I am worried that there will be a time in the future, when I look around and know that someone is missing, that someone is not here with us, that there is a place in my heart that is on a reservation that will never be filled and knowing that we had this chance now, that was not taken because of him, I will hate him. That spot in my heart that is empty will start filling with resentment and hatred for this man I love.
I don't want to hate my husband. I don't hate my husband, I love him but 10, 15, 5, maybe even a year from now I don't want to hate him. Perhaps I should explain some more. We have a lovely daughter, she is such a joy and I love her so very much. So does He. We have always talked about having two, we both want two, and yet I very much doubt that second one will ever happen. Right now we live in the house he grew up in. It is a nice house, the kitchen subfloor is rotten in a few places, and there is a small leak somewhere above the living room. Some of the ceilings are cracking, but it is a nice house, it has served the family well but we need to move, and we will be moving this summer. My aunt and uncle needs help with the farm and my grandmother so we will moving up there, they will help us buy a house and help us get established there and we will be making the payments on it, it will be our house. We are waiting until summer so I can finish my student teaching in the spring, and DD will finish her first year of preschool. Yes you read that right come summer I will be a license elementary teacher.
But none of this is coming to why I am worried about hating my husband in a few years. I feel now is our last chance to have another child, well to be fair last month and maybe the rest of this month. If we had tried my due date would be end of May or June, finished after my student teaching it would be around our moving time, but we could handle that. Once I start teaching taking the time off for maternity leave will be difficult, and our bills will be greater with a house payment, taxes, house insurance and all of that. I will be older and I'm honestly worried about how my body would handle a pregnant, I loved being pregnant but it wasn't easy. I'm worried about our fertility declining as that goes down when you get older.
SO adding in the fertility issues, with the monetary issues as me being the bread winner, adding in the fact that DD will be older as well and I'm worried about sibling bonding or hating, I just don't think that a time will come later.
And DH doesn't think now is a good time. He is worried with me in school and working the stress of being pregnant. DD is now just starting preschool and with him being a Stay at home dad he is enjoying this time. His parents most likely won't approve and he is worried about that. They were not thrilled about DD.
And so I say I understand. That without both of us wanting it I don't want to have another child, and that is true. I know what is to be born for reasons other then just being wanted, and I don't want that for a child of mine.
And so right now I am trying to be understanding. I'm trying to accept that our family maybe be destined just to be the three of us, and that is harder then I thought it would be, because it still feels like someone is missing. And I'm worried that while I don't hate my husband, while I don't resent his emotions and choice on this, that I am respecting that he isn't ready, I am worried that there will be a time in the future, when I look around and know that someone is missing, that someone is not here with us, that there is a place in my heart that is on a reservation that will never be filled and knowing that we had this chance now, that was not taken because of him, I will hate him. That spot in my heart that is empty will start filling with resentment and hatred for this man I love.