The Little Death - Secret Lovers Exchange Fic
Title: The Little Death
Author: gedry
Recipient: thunder_nari
Rating: NC-17
Genre and/or Pairing: Gabriel/Cas
Spoilers: none
Warnings: Wing fic
Word Count: 2149
Notes/Prompts: - Where do angels go when they die? Gabriel/Castiel if Castiel hadn't been resurrected or in the time before he was resurrected.
Beta: moonofblindness
Summary: Castiel and Gabriel reconnect unexpectedly after Lucifer ends Cas’ life.
The Little Death
Castiel is getting tired of being blown up. There’s just something tacky about having little bits of your vessel blasted all over the surrounding area.
There should be some art to it at least; when his brothers have been killed they leave an empty vessel, and ash marks of where their wings used to be. He’s pretty sure the fact that he’s not awarded that right himself, says something about how utterly disgusted his siblings are by the damaged state of his wings.
Humans can’t see them; but angels can. Even in a vessel tucked in as close as Castiel can keep them, any angel who sets eyes on him can see how horrific his wings have become.
Hell stole part of his grace, and then he had to give yet more of it to heal Dean Winchester’s damaged soul. When he was finally able to return to the host, he was too damaged to be fully healed, and this battered state of his grace has become something he has grown used to over time.
In fact it was relief as his grace began to fade away the more time he spent on earth. The pain he was constantly in faded with it.
He doesn’t regret his choices. Castiel is starting to discover that it’s the act of making the choice, not the outcome of it that makes you who you are. At least this time as he is blasted away from his vessel, for the second time, Castiel is proud of what he’s becoming.
*****
“What are you doing here?” Gabriel asks as Castiel opens his eyes.
“I have no idea,” Castiel responds. “I could ask the same of you.”
Gabriel snorts, “I lost my mind, and stood up to Lucifer, and look where it got me; a one way trip to the forest of welcome to the middle of fucking nowhere.”
Castiel takes the time to look around then as he sits up. Gabriel is correct; they are in a forest. Everything is green and clean around them. But the skies are silent, and there’s no noise but the sounds of their own breathing.
Which gives Castiel pause; “Why do I still look like Jimmy?”
“You mean your vessel?” Gabriel asks, and he cocks his head to the side before shrugging and saying, “Maybe it’s just how you see yourself now. I think that’s why I still look like this.” He waves a hand across his chest as he wiggles a wing behind his back. “The wings are a new addition though; haven’t seen those in a hell of a long time.”
Castiel winces as he feels the shift of feathers behind his own back. Gabriel hasn’t seen them yet. He wonders how long it will be before the other angel realizes the extent of his shame, and begins with the harassment that must certainly follow.
After all, Gabriel played the role of a Trickster for far too long.
“How did you die?” Gabriel asks suddenly, and it’s then that Castiel remembers.
“Lucifer was irritated at something I had done so he ripped me apart,” Castiel comments; being careful to keep his wings presses tight and low against his back.
“What did you do?” Gabriel presses.
“I threw a bottle of flaming holy oil at Michael,” Castiel mutters.
There’s silence across the clearing where Gabriel sits, before the arch angel collapses in to a fit of giggles and gasps, “No fucking way!”
Castiel doesn’t answer he just watches as Gabriel struggles to pull himself together, before he rises to his feet and starts to pad over to where Castiel is sitting.
“You’re way more bad ass than I ever gave you credit for,” Gabriel rambles as he approaches. “That’s epic. Not a lot of angels would have had the balls for that.”
Castiel knows the moment he sees them. There’s a harsh intake of breath before Gabriel blurts, “What the hell is wrong with your wings?”
“They were damaged,” Castiel answers in a cold clipped tone, hoping to portray to the nosey angel that he doesn’t want to discuss it.
“Cas,” Gabriel breathes as he crouches down behind the matted mass of tangled feathers. “Doesn’t it hurt?”
Castiel turns to glare, to shout, to shove Gabriel’s silently questing fingertips away, but the grief he sees reflected in the archangel’s eyes makes him hesitate. “It’s agony,” he murmurs and the tears fall.
Even in death Castiel can’t escape the pain.
“I can’t suffer through eternity like this,” he sobs, and doesn’t resist when Gabriel tugs him into a tight embrace, and rocks him while he finally lets the shame and grief that’s been hounding him for two years pour out.
It doesn’t matter, that Gabriel probably doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter, that a millennia ago he and Gabriel had once twined their graces together so tightly, the other angels used to tease them about being one entity. Castiel had been so young then. So naïve and Gabriel was so full of laughter and hope. Then the archangel had fled Heaven without word to his nest mate, and Castiel had to suffer through the shame of that abandonment alone.
“You left me.” He accuses from where his face is pressed into Gabriel’s shoulder. “You left and you never said a word. I looked for you.”
“I know,” Gabriel murmurs, his voice thick with pain and regret, “I’m so sorry. I thought I was falling, and I didn’t want to take you with me. You were still so new to life.”
“I died a little when you didn’t come for me,” Castiel shoves at the arms surrounding him, but Gabriel doesn’t let him go. “I was so stupid, I thought you loved me.”
“I did,” Gabriel exclaims; his fingers no longer soothing but clinging, as Castiel struggles to free himself from the embrace. “I do. I love you. I tried so hard to forget you, and then you walked right into my illusion after the stupid Winchesters, and it was like everything came back.”
“So you beat the hell out of me?” Castiel snarls. “You missed me so much you covered me with duck tape and abused me?”
“I covered you with duck tape and shoved you in a hole,” Gabriel argues. “You hurt yourself trying to get out and you damn well know it.”
He has a point, but it doesn’t cool the rage Castiel feels building inside him. “Get away from me,” he orders.
But Gabriel was never much on listening when he didn’t want to. The other angel holds him tightly and smiles sadly as he whispers, “You’ve gotten so fierce in the time I’ve been gone.”
Then he kisses Castiel, kisses him the way he used to, when they were sailing together entwined and innocent of the trouble brewing ahead of them. Castiel tastes licorice, and herbs, and the faintest flavor of what Gabriel used to taste like underneath everything else.
It makes Castiel moan and turn so that he can push Gabriel down and kiss him some more.
“I’m so sorry,” Gabriel gasps against his mouth, but when Castiel squirms for more contact Gabriel pushes him away.
“Why not?” he snaps as he curls in on himself.
“Because it’s been too long, and you’re hurting, and I don’t deserve what you’re offering me,” Gabriel answers.
Castiel takes Gabriel’s outstretched hand, and allows himself to be turned so that he’s sitting in front of the other angel with his back towards him.
“Let me help you,” Gabriel whispers as he unfurls one of Castiel’s damaged wings. He tells Castiel of his life and his travels, while he works to untangle two years worth of neglect. It’s painful for Castiel, but Gabriel’s voice draws him away from the embarrassment and discomfort.
There are moments of humor where Castiel can’t help himself but chuckle, while Gabriel regales him of some wild period of time while he was masquerading as this or that. Then jealously as Gabriel sobers, and tells him of the children he’s had, and the people he spent his time with. Castiel tells himself that he had no claim over Gabriel; they had no understanding or formal bond. But he still feels the burn of someone whose lover threw them over for someone else.
After that they stay silent for a very long time, until Castiel finally tells the other angel about diving into the pit after Dean’s soul and pulling him free. Castiel follows it up with everything that came after, and his slow, painful fall from grace that lead him to this forest and Gabriel.
“Who ordered you to Hell?” Gabriel asks lightly, but Castiel hears the undercurrent of hostility there.
“No one ordered me Gabriel,” Castiel sighs, “I volunteered.”
“Why would you do that?” Gabriel gasps.
“Because, unlike you who had others to occupy your time; I spent all of my days in Heaven mourning the loss of my nest mate!” Castiel snarls, “I was tired. I didn’t want to go on.”
Gabriel’s on his feet in an instant and stalking away. Castiel bites down on the inside of his cheek and lets him go.
It’s less than an hour later that Gabriel is charging back across the clearing shouting, “YOU LET HIM CALL YOU CAS!”
Castiel shrugs, “It’s what he’s chosen to call me. Why does that matter?”
“It was my name for you; just mine.” Gabriel answers, as he sinks to his knees in front of Castiel and shakes his head slowly.
“Nothing of me belongs to you anymore,” Castiel comments. He watches Gabriel flinch but doesn’t offer to comfort him. It’s a harsh truth, but a truth never the same.
Castiel closes his eyes and concentrates on his breathing; reaching for a calm place inside him, so that he find some kind of center. He understands that he disobeyed, that he rebelled, but to be trapped here with Gabriel is a special kind of purgatory that he doesn’t feel prepared for.
The touch on his knee makes him jerk, but when he opens his eyes Gabriel’s face is very close to his and the archangel’s eyes are determined.
“What is it?” Castiel asks.
“It’s time for you to go back,” Gabriel answers.
“Go back?” Castiel gasps, “You mean I’m to be resurrected again? Why?”
“There’s more for you to do,” Gabriel answers. “More life for you to have.”
“I’m not sure I want it,” Castiel mutters.
“I don’t care.” Gabriel replies, and then he’s gripping Castiel face in his hands tightly, almost painfully, and tugging him forward so that their foreheads are touching.
“What are you doing?” Castiel stammers as he tries to jerk away.
“I want something of you to belong to me.” Gabriel announces. “And if there’s nothing you’re willing to give me, then I’m going to take it.”
Gabriel presses their mouths together roughly forcing Castiel’s mouth open, and kissing him deeply, before Castiel finally manages to rip his mouth away.
Gabriel crumbles into his lap, and as Castiel pants he realizes what Gabriel must have taken from him.
There’s no more pain.
He looks down and has to swallow back a scream, as he sees Gabriel’s once beautiful wings are now replaced by his tattered and scarred ones. Castiel tips out one of the wings attached to his back, and he sees nothing but white, and gold, and power there.
“What have you done?” he whispers.
Gabriel shifts and pushes himself up onto his hands shakily, before regarding Castiel with a sad, crooked smile. “I gave you something of mine so that you won’t forget how much you mean to me; and I took something of yours so that I never have to be without you. It’s simple.”
“It’s not a fair trade,” Castiel shakes his head as he cups Gabriel’s cheeks.
“Life’s not fair,” Gabriel chuckles weakly. “Haven’t you figured that out yet?”
Castiel kisses him then trying to pour all of his confused emotions in that one act. He can already feel something fading out here. He’s leaving soon.
“I don’t want to leave you,” he says as they part.
“It’s just my turn to wait on you this time,” Gabriel answers. “Go and save the world, or some shit. I’ll be waiting for you when you get done. Just do me a favor, and take a lot longer this time okay? Go live a real life Cas. I’ll be here I promise.”
And with that Gabriel pushes him gently backward and Castiel falls back to Earth, changed, reborn with the strength of an archangel.
Author: gedry
Recipient: thunder_nari
Rating: NC-17
Genre and/or Pairing: Gabriel/Cas
Spoilers: none
Warnings: Wing fic
Word Count: 2149
Notes/Prompts: - Where do angels go when they die? Gabriel/Castiel if Castiel hadn't been resurrected or in the time before he was resurrected.
Beta: moonofblindness
Summary: Castiel and Gabriel reconnect unexpectedly after Lucifer ends Cas’ life.
The Little Death
Castiel is getting tired of being blown up. There’s just something tacky about having little bits of your vessel blasted all over the surrounding area.
There should be some art to it at least; when his brothers have been killed they leave an empty vessel, and ash marks of where their wings used to be. He’s pretty sure the fact that he’s not awarded that right himself, says something about how utterly disgusted his siblings are by the damaged state of his wings.
Humans can’t see them; but angels can. Even in a vessel tucked in as close as Castiel can keep them, any angel who sets eyes on him can see how horrific his wings have become.
Hell stole part of his grace, and then he had to give yet more of it to heal Dean Winchester’s damaged soul. When he was finally able to return to the host, he was too damaged to be fully healed, and this battered state of his grace has become something he has grown used to over time.
In fact it was relief as his grace began to fade away the more time he spent on earth. The pain he was constantly in faded with it.
He doesn’t regret his choices. Castiel is starting to discover that it’s the act of making the choice, not the outcome of it that makes you who you are. At least this time as he is blasted away from his vessel, for the second time, Castiel is proud of what he’s becoming.
*****
“What are you doing here?” Gabriel asks as Castiel opens his eyes.
“I have no idea,” Castiel responds. “I could ask the same of you.”
Gabriel snorts, “I lost my mind, and stood up to Lucifer, and look where it got me; a one way trip to the forest of welcome to the middle of fucking nowhere.”
Castiel takes the time to look around then as he sits up. Gabriel is correct; they are in a forest. Everything is green and clean around them. But the skies are silent, and there’s no noise but the sounds of their own breathing.
Which gives Castiel pause; “Why do I still look like Jimmy?”
“You mean your vessel?” Gabriel asks, and he cocks his head to the side before shrugging and saying, “Maybe it’s just how you see yourself now. I think that’s why I still look like this.” He waves a hand across his chest as he wiggles a wing behind his back. “The wings are a new addition though; haven’t seen those in a hell of a long time.”
Castiel winces as he feels the shift of feathers behind his own back. Gabriel hasn’t seen them yet. He wonders how long it will be before the other angel realizes the extent of his shame, and begins with the harassment that must certainly follow.
After all, Gabriel played the role of a Trickster for far too long.
“How did you die?” Gabriel asks suddenly, and it’s then that Castiel remembers.
“Lucifer was irritated at something I had done so he ripped me apart,” Castiel comments; being careful to keep his wings presses tight and low against his back.
“What did you do?” Gabriel presses.
“I threw a bottle of flaming holy oil at Michael,” Castiel mutters.
There’s silence across the clearing where Gabriel sits, before the arch angel collapses in to a fit of giggles and gasps, “No fucking way!”
Castiel doesn’t answer he just watches as Gabriel struggles to pull himself together, before he rises to his feet and starts to pad over to where Castiel is sitting.
“You’re way more bad ass than I ever gave you credit for,” Gabriel rambles as he approaches. “That’s epic. Not a lot of angels would have had the balls for that.”
Castiel knows the moment he sees them. There’s a harsh intake of breath before Gabriel blurts, “What the hell is wrong with your wings?”
“They were damaged,” Castiel answers in a cold clipped tone, hoping to portray to the nosey angel that he doesn’t want to discuss it.
“Cas,” Gabriel breathes as he crouches down behind the matted mass of tangled feathers. “Doesn’t it hurt?”
Castiel turns to glare, to shout, to shove Gabriel’s silently questing fingertips away, but the grief he sees reflected in the archangel’s eyes makes him hesitate. “It’s agony,” he murmurs and the tears fall.
Even in death Castiel can’t escape the pain.
“I can’t suffer through eternity like this,” he sobs, and doesn’t resist when Gabriel tugs him into a tight embrace, and rocks him while he finally lets the shame and grief that’s been hounding him for two years pour out.
It doesn’t matter, that Gabriel probably doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter, that a millennia ago he and Gabriel had once twined their graces together so tightly, the other angels used to tease them about being one entity. Castiel had been so young then. So naïve and Gabriel was so full of laughter and hope. Then the archangel had fled Heaven without word to his nest mate, and Castiel had to suffer through the shame of that abandonment alone.
“You left me.” He accuses from where his face is pressed into Gabriel’s shoulder. “You left and you never said a word. I looked for you.”
“I know,” Gabriel murmurs, his voice thick with pain and regret, “I’m so sorry. I thought I was falling, and I didn’t want to take you with me. You were still so new to life.”
“I died a little when you didn’t come for me,” Castiel shoves at the arms surrounding him, but Gabriel doesn’t let him go. “I was so stupid, I thought you loved me.”
“I did,” Gabriel exclaims; his fingers no longer soothing but clinging, as Castiel struggles to free himself from the embrace. “I do. I love you. I tried so hard to forget you, and then you walked right into my illusion after the stupid Winchesters, and it was like everything came back.”
“So you beat the hell out of me?” Castiel snarls. “You missed me so much you covered me with duck tape and abused me?”
“I covered you with duck tape and shoved you in a hole,” Gabriel argues. “You hurt yourself trying to get out and you damn well know it.”
He has a point, but it doesn’t cool the rage Castiel feels building inside him. “Get away from me,” he orders.
But Gabriel was never much on listening when he didn’t want to. The other angel holds him tightly and smiles sadly as he whispers, “You’ve gotten so fierce in the time I’ve been gone.”
Then he kisses Castiel, kisses him the way he used to, when they were sailing together entwined and innocent of the trouble brewing ahead of them. Castiel tastes licorice, and herbs, and the faintest flavor of what Gabriel used to taste like underneath everything else.
It makes Castiel moan and turn so that he can push Gabriel down and kiss him some more.
“I’m so sorry,” Gabriel gasps against his mouth, but when Castiel squirms for more contact Gabriel pushes him away.
“Why not?” he snaps as he curls in on himself.
“Because it’s been too long, and you’re hurting, and I don’t deserve what you’re offering me,” Gabriel answers.
Castiel takes Gabriel’s outstretched hand, and allows himself to be turned so that he’s sitting in front of the other angel with his back towards him.
“Let me help you,” Gabriel whispers as he unfurls one of Castiel’s damaged wings. He tells Castiel of his life and his travels, while he works to untangle two years worth of neglect. It’s painful for Castiel, but Gabriel’s voice draws him away from the embarrassment and discomfort.
There are moments of humor where Castiel can’t help himself but chuckle, while Gabriel regales him of some wild period of time while he was masquerading as this or that. Then jealously as Gabriel sobers, and tells him of the children he’s had, and the people he spent his time with. Castiel tells himself that he had no claim over Gabriel; they had no understanding or formal bond. But he still feels the burn of someone whose lover threw them over for someone else.
After that they stay silent for a very long time, until Castiel finally tells the other angel about diving into the pit after Dean’s soul and pulling him free. Castiel follows it up with everything that came after, and his slow, painful fall from grace that lead him to this forest and Gabriel.
“Who ordered you to Hell?” Gabriel asks lightly, but Castiel hears the undercurrent of hostility there.
“No one ordered me Gabriel,” Castiel sighs, “I volunteered.”
“Why would you do that?” Gabriel gasps.
“Because, unlike you who had others to occupy your time; I spent all of my days in Heaven mourning the loss of my nest mate!” Castiel snarls, “I was tired. I didn’t want to go on.”
Gabriel’s on his feet in an instant and stalking away. Castiel bites down on the inside of his cheek and lets him go.
It’s less than an hour later that Gabriel is charging back across the clearing shouting, “YOU LET HIM CALL YOU CAS!”
Castiel shrugs, “It’s what he’s chosen to call me. Why does that matter?”
“It was my name for you; just mine.” Gabriel answers, as he sinks to his knees in front of Castiel and shakes his head slowly.
“Nothing of me belongs to you anymore,” Castiel comments. He watches Gabriel flinch but doesn’t offer to comfort him. It’s a harsh truth, but a truth never the same.
Castiel closes his eyes and concentrates on his breathing; reaching for a calm place inside him, so that he find some kind of center. He understands that he disobeyed, that he rebelled, but to be trapped here with Gabriel is a special kind of purgatory that he doesn’t feel prepared for.
The touch on his knee makes him jerk, but when he opens his eyes Gabriel’s face is very close to his and the archangel’s eyes are determined.
“What is it?” Castiel asks.
“It’s time for you to go back,” Gabriel answers.
“Go back?” Castiel gasps, “You mean I’m to be resurrected again? Why?”
“There’s more for you to do,” Gabriel answers. “More life for you to have.”
“I’m not sure I want it,” Castiel mutters.
“I don’t care.” Gabriel replies, and then he’s gripping Castiel face in his hands tightly, almost painfully, and tugging him forward so that their foreheads are touching.
“What are you doing?” Castiel stammers as he tries to jerk away.
“I want something of you to belong to me.” Gabriel announces. “And if there’s nothing you’re willing to give me, then I’m going to take it.”
Gabriel presses their mouths together roughly forcing Castiel’s mouth open, and kissing him deeply, before Castiel finally manages to rip his mouth away.
Gabriel crumbles into his lap, and as Castiel pants he realizes what Gabriel must have taken from him.
There’s no more pain.
He looks down and has to swallow back a scream, as he sees Gabriel’s once beautiful wings are now replaced by his tattered and scarred ones. Castiel tips out one of the wings attached to his back, and he sees nothing but white, and gold, and power there.
“What have you done?” he whispers.
Gabriel shifts and pushes himself up onto his hands shakily, before regarding Castiel with a sad, crooked smile. “I gave you something of mine so that you won’t forget how much you mean to me; and I took something of yours so that I never have to be without you. It’s simple.”
“It’s not a fair trade,” Castiel shakes his head as he cups Gabriel’s cheeks.
“Life’s not fair,” Gabriel chuckles weakly. “Haven’t you figured that out yet?”
Castiel kisses him then trying to pour all of his confused emotions in that one act. He can already feel something fading out here. He’s leaving soon.
“I don’t want to leave you,” he says as they part.
“It’s just my turn to wait on you this time,” Gabriel answers. “Go and save the world, or some shit. I’ll be waiting for you when you get done. Just do me a favor, and take a lot longer this time okay? Go live a real life Cas. I’ll be here I promise.”
And with that Gabriel pushes him gently backward and Castiel falls back to Earth, changed, reborn with the strength of an archangel.