12 Steps - Step 10
Title: 12 Steps
Author: Gedry
Pairings: Dean/Castiel, Sam, Bobby AU
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 33032
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. I am making no profit from this fanfiction.
Beta: dragonmage86
Alpha: moonofblindness
Spoilers: None
Warnings: mentions of past drug use, mentions of parental neglect.
Summary: The 12 Steps tell you to keep it simple, but Dean Winchester has never been good at keeping anything simple. So, with the help and support of the core people in his life he’s giving sobriety his best shot, which even on a good day is a struggle. But as he works at it he makes progress and starts to rediscover himself, and maybe find love with the new guy next door.
10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
There’s a saying about all good things coming to an end. Dean’s not sure where it originates from, but he knows it has meaning when applied to his life.
Cas comes stalking over to his house on a random Thursday waving papers and yelling about his sister-in-law. It takes Dean almost half an hour to calm him down enough to explain what’s happening, and even then Cas just slaps the papers into Dean’s hands and collapses on the couch, huffing and muttering.
It’s court documents for visitation rights. “What is all this, Cas?”
“She’s suing me for visitation with Jesse. Can you believe that shit? The woman is a mess-she killed my brother, put my nephew at risk, and now she has the gall to sue me?”
“I thought you said she was drinking,” Dean offers. “If she’s drinking there’s no way they are going to let her see Jesse, and you don’t have anything to worry about.”
Cas groans. “She says she went to treatment. Like that makes it all better. Her lawyer says she’s been sober for three months and she should have rights to supervised visits to start out with.”
Dean shrugs. “How does Jesse feel about it?”
Cas won’t meet his eyes and Dean comments, “You haven’t told him yet have you?” At the shake of Cas’ head Dean adds, “You have to talk to him-he’s old enough to have an opinion. This is his mom and he might want to see her if she’s sober. This could be a good thing.”
“She fucking killed my brother, Dean,” Cas growls. “She doesn’t deserve to get a good thing. She’s not the one who had to bury him, and she’s not the one who had to uproot her whole life to keep Jesse safe and put up with his anger and his pain for all these months. She doesn’t deserve another chance.”
“If life was about getting what we deserved then I wouldn’t have you,” Dean murmurs, and feels an ache start in the center of his chest. He and Cas have disagreed before but never actually fought. He doesn’t want to break this thing they have between them but Dean’s done trying to become what other people want him to be.
Cas is hurt and angry and wants to blame someone. Amelia is a good target and Dean can’t dispute the fact that her behavior caused all of this. “I’m not going to give her anything, Dean. I don’t care what they say. I’m going to fight her. I’m not going to lose Jesse when she decides it’s time to go out on bender. I have to keep him safe.”
“Give her a shot, Cas-It’s supervised visitation.” Dean argues, and Cas erupts.
“She’s a fucking drunk, Dean-she didn’t care about anything and she left a trail of shit behind her where ever she went. She’s irresponsible, she’s unpredictable, she’s untrustworthy…”
“She’s me,” Dean interrupts.
At Cas’ blank look Dean adds, “She’s an addict, Cas. Just like me. You don’t want to see it because you want to hate her. You want to blame her so you don’t have to deal with the fact that Jimmy is gone. You’re acting like a hypocrite. You come over here all the time and watch me struggle with resentments, and making amends, and the whole time you don’t really think change is possible-if you did you would be willing to give her a chance. You resent her so much you want to keep her son from her just because you think she hasn’t earned him. It’s not right and I’m not going to stand here and tell you it is. Go home, Cas.”
Dean watches the other man as his eyes widen and his hands clench. “Don’t you dare tell me how I feel,” Cas growls, and Dean closes his eyes before he orders. “Get out of my house, Cas.”
He doesn’t move until after he hears his front door slam shut. Dean slides down the wall in his living room and curls in on himself, crying. He doesn’t see or speak to Cas for a week.
Dean buries himself in work and meetings, even though most of the time he’s numb, tired and just wanting to be at home in bed alone. Bobby keeps a close eye on him but holds his tongue. It’s a painful process. There’s an ache in Dean’s chest and he wants so badly to rewind time and make it all just disappear. It’s a dangerous place for him to be.
Wandering out of the local wholesale place after picking up supplies for the garage one afternoon, Dean bumps into a guy he knew on the street. He can’t even remember the man’s name but Dean gets a rush of heat up his spine from just seeing him. That slow burn he remembers from shooting up grabbing a hold of him and squeezing tight like an old friend that’s been missing for so long. The guy is still using-Dean can see it in his eyes and the shake of his hands while they talk. The temptation is so strong and Dean’s got nothing to go home to tonight, no one waiting for him, nothing to answer to but himself.
He can taste the high and the sweet oblivion that would make the pain he’s still so unused to dealing with go away for a while. He wants it, and he might have gone with the guy if it hadn’t been for fate stepping in out in that parking lot.
Dean looks around to see if anyone is watching and his eyes happen to land on the shape of a woman loading bags and bags of groceries into a van. “Missouri,” Dean whispers, and it’s like the world starts moving again. “I have to go,” he tells the guy, and Dean’s crossing the parking lot as fast as he can.
“Are you willing to accept some help with that, or are you just going to tell me I’m loading them wrong,” he quips as he gets close. Missouri smiles and hugs him before she answers. “Both. You sure you still want to help?” He takes the bags from her and finishes putting them in the car, with Missouri bitching the whole way about his technique. It’s refreshing and a relief, and sometimes people never change-but maybe he can.
“Got yourself out of some trouble over there, I see,” she says, and Dean flushes with embarrassment. “I wasn’t thinking. I should have never even talked to that guy. I’ve been clean a long time.”
“I know,” she answers with a big smile. “I’ve been hearing all about you from the clients. You sound like you’re doing real good. Took you a while to notice me-I couldn’t have packed the car any slower.”
Dean laughs. “Thanks for keeping an eye on me.”
“So I hear you’re off the market,” Missouri comments and Dean shrugs. “Not so sure about that right now, but I hope so.”
He knows she catches on to what’s wrong; the woman always was way too smart. “Whatever you did, boy, go and apologize.”
Dean huffs. “What if I didn’t do anything wrong?”
She shakes her head and shuts the trunk of the van. “Sometimes it’s not about what you do, Dean-It’s about what you say and how you say it. If you hurt him then you need to own that and try to move on. You can be right and still be lonely.”
Dean’s pretty sure lonely is exactly what he is right now. He heads back to Bobby’s and has a long talk with his sponsor about what happened in the parking lot, and what went on with Cas. Bobby nods and finally comments, “Looks like God was lookin out for you, kid.”
“If God is a bossy little black woman then yeah, he sure was,” Dean laughs. He also spends the night sleeping on Bobby’s sofa, feeling a little too shaken, even after a meeting, to go home alone.
He wakes up to his phone ringing at four in the morning. It’s Sam and that can only mean bad things.
“Dean, Dad’s gone.” His little brother’s voice is tense and shaking over the lines. Dean wakes up Bobby and fills him in on the details before he goes home to pack.
He’s throwing his stuff in the back of his car when he sees the lights on in Cas’ house. He takes a deep breath and goes to knock on the door. When Cas opens it he looks tired and rumpled. He stares at Dean before saying coldly, “You didn’t come home last night.”
“I slept over at Bobby’s-I had a rough day.” Dean hesitates, uncomfortable with putting himself out there with no way of knowing what Cas’ reaction will be. “I want to apologize to you for how I said what I said when we fought. I was rude and I’m sorry. I need to talk to you about it more and I’m hoping we can work this out. I love you, Cas. But I have to go now-my dad just died this morning and Sam needs me. I didn’t want to leave without talking to you first, wanted you to know I’m going to be gone a couple of days at least.”
“I’m so sorry,” Cas whispers, and reaches out to Dean, who almost moans in relief and steps forward to hug his boyfriend. “Is it alright if I call you?” Dean asks.
Cas nods and mutters into Dean’s shirt. “I miss you, I love you. I’m so sorry.”
It’s tempting to just go inside with Cas and shut the door, so he doesn’t have to deal with all this. Instead Dean kisses him long and deep, holding Cas tightly and trying to pour everything he feels for the other man into that contact. “I have to go. Sam’s waiting on me.”
Cas clings to him for a second before stepping away. “Call me when you get there. Call me whenever you want-I’ll be thinking of you. I love you. Be safe.”
Cas watches as Dean pulls away, and Dean keeps looking back at him until he pulls out of sight. He’s done enough work on himself by now to know that they really haven’t resolved anything, but unlike Dean’s other relationships, it looks like they’re going to try-and it’s all he needs to feel better.
Halfway through the two hour trip Dean gets a text message from Cas telling him that he loves him, and asking Dean to let him know the funeral details so that Cas and Jesse can attend. He pulls over for gas and texts back that they don’t have to do that. Cas’ response is short and probably the most meaningful thing Dean has ever read.
Yes we do. You’re family. Now shut up and drive.
Dean just strolls into his brother’s apartment when he gets there-the door’s not locked and Sam knows he is coming. What he sees sitting on the sofa is enough to make him want to turn around and drive right back home.
“What are you doing here?” he sputters.
“Nice to finally meet you, Dean. I’m Jessica.”
His brain just freezes with the shock of it all, and they are still standing there staring at each other when Sam walks around the corner. “Oh hey,” he says. “Have you guys met?”
“Yeah,” Dean chokes. “A long-ass time ago.”
“Wait, you know each other?” Sam is clearly confused. Jessica bows her head and stays thankfully silent.
“Sammy, do you remember when I was in the hospital that last time, and I would call you, moaning about that bitch of an evil social worker I had?” At Sam’s nod Dean points to Jessica and says, “THAT is the evil bitch of a social worker.”
Sam turns to Jessica who shrugs delicately. “You saw pictures of him,” Sam accuses. “You knew and you didn’t tell me.”
“I couldn’t,” she replies. “You know the drill; he was a client and that information is confidential. He had to tell you-not me.”
“Holy shit,” Sam groans, and Dean busts out laughing. “That’s one way of putting it.”
They show him the guest bedroom and Dean drops off his stuff, stopping long enough to call Cas and let him know he is safe and with Sam. He saves the part about Jessica for another time-mostly because he wants to see Cas’ face when he tells the other man about it. Stuff like that only happens once in a lifetime.
Dean stays what he likes to call ‘comfortably numb’ for most of the next two days. He talks to Bobby and finds a meeting. He calls Cas every spare second he gets, just to hear the other man tell him he loves him. He eats and sleeps and helps with the funeral planning without complaint because Sam is clearly torn up. Dean’s glad for Jessica, who takes responsibility for making sure that Sam is eating and resting and staying focused on the things he needs to do for himself, and not just the burial.
There’s a lot of hugging at the viewing and Dean tries to be comfortable with it. Sam is one thing-that’s his brother and Dean would hug him all night long if that’s what it took-but he doesn’t even know half these people, and the ones he does know are bad news, or at least they were when Dean was introduced to them years ago. It’s hot and he’s uncomfortable in this piece-of-shit suit he has on. Dress functions were never really his thing at the best of time and right now he just wants to go home.
Dean’s creeping off for just two minutes of alone time when he catches sight of Bobby, Cas and Jesse coming in the door of the funeral home. He’s so happy to see them he actually chokes up with relief, and can’t do anything but press his head into Cas’ shoulder and breath for along minute before Bobby steps up to offer a hug of his own.
“Thank you so much for coming,” Dean gushes, and then chuckles at his own shaky voice. Bobby jostles him a bit with his arm and then drags Jesse off to see if Sam needs any more help with the flowers. “Take a minute, kid,” he says. “You look like you could use one.”
“How are you?” Cas asks him as soon as they make it out of the building. Dean takes a deep breath of fresh air and squeezes the other man’s hand tightly. “Shitty.”
They chuckle and Cas hugs him tightly as Dean feels the first tears he has shed over his father’s death creep out from behind his tightly closed eyes. “I don’t want to feel anything about this-I want to be angry. It shouldn’t hurt this bad.”
“I’m sorry,” Cas whispers “I wish I could take it away.” That’s all Dean needs, it seems, to finally let it go-he sobs into Cas’ trench coat, clinging to his boyfriend until there’s just nothing left to cry out. When he’s finished he snuffles, embarrassed about the outburst, and Cas drags tissues out of his coat pockets and hands them over so Dean can wipe his face. “You’re like a boy scout, you know that?” Dean mumbles, and Cas gives him a shaky smile as he wipes his own eyes.
“Dean,” Sam calls from the door of the funeral home. “It’s time-I need you.”
Dean keeps a tight hold on Cas’ hand as they enter the room where the service is going to be held. He drags his boyfriend to the front pew with him and refuses to let him go sit in the back. Bobby brings up Jesse, and at Dean’s sharp look slides in next to them. “We shouldn’t be up here, Dean,” Cas whispers. “This is for family.”
“Jessica is here,” Dean points out. “If she’s here then you all are here too-you are my family.”
Dean’s attention wanders off as the pastor starts speaking. He’s more focused on getting through the last few hours of this ordeal sober than whatever people are saying about his dad. John Winchester was a lot of things to a lot of people; it’s sad he never took the chance to be a father to his sons. But only a few people sitting here know the truth and Dean’s not as angry as he used to be. He doesn’t have to ruin their version of his father with the truth. It’s enough that he knows it. It's enough that the people sitting right next to him believe. He doesn’t need to world to know he’s right anymore.