(no subject)
Gee golly. I haven't felt this hopelessly bored in years.
In the past week, maybe longer, I have only watched movies and beat Zone of the Enders 2. And maybe something else. Did homework. I don't know. That's how unimportant my activities are; I don't even remember them. At night I play chess and Literati against Marcus Aurelius. That's it.
Maybe I should make something, or write something, or film something, or do something. Oh wait, I have no money whatsoever. So, I guess that leaves me with only myself, my computer, and what I already have. But crikey, that seems so boring to me!
Please, someone, if some higher power exists, tell me that life will not always be this horribly boring.
Then again, I probably brought this upon myself. How? I have no idea. I only say that because there must be something I can be doing. But I'm so tired. I'm so lazy. I feel like I lost my ambition to the uncertainty of my future and ambiguity of my current situation: art school. Isn't that funny? I go to art school and I can't create anything. Not that my 'major' (oh, I shudder when I hear that word) calls for typical production or creation of typical 'art.'
Oh man, I think I'm losing my mind. Everything seems to be going in circles. Hopefully, in the end, I will find this circular line to be moving in a hermeneutic direction and, finally, it will amount to something. Everything will come together. I wish I had precognition so that I could see where the circle completes itself.
"The circle is complete. Now I am the master."
Will my lifeline come full circle? Will I be master of my own self? Will I be master of anything? Of my mind? Of my household? Of my possessions? Anything? At all? Someone, please answer me! What does the future hold? Where am I going and why!?
And now I really see the hopelessness and the pointlessness of it all. This ranting has only accomplished one thing: making me feel even more pathetic for wasting my time talking to myself. At least it made a little sense, but it was not enlightening in any way. It is just pointing out what is already existing by means of its own existence: boredom and yearning.
And now the time has come. Do I ride this out? Ride out this circling journey and see if it will ever come back to its beginnings? Or do I force a new direction hoping to find a new path to travel. Either way, I will be on a path. And either way, this is probably just me playing Oedipus. I'm fighting fate and trying to make myself believe that I have power against everything that has already been decided. That I have free will and I can choose my own future! But, it has already been decided what I will choose.
Simply, no other future exists! I am just fooling myself into thinking I can choose! I cannot choose! I am a pawn on the game of life! I am just another thread being used to stitch God's duvet so he can sleep soundly at night in this cold winter!
How selfish, you bastard!
And how depressing!
In the past week, maybe longer, I have only watched movies and beat Zone of the Enders 2. And maybe something else. Did homework. I don't know. That's how unimportant my activities are; I don't even remember them. At night I play chess and Literati against Marcus Aurelius. That's it.
Maybe I should make something, or write something, or film something, or do something. Oh wait, I have no money whatsoever. So, I guess that leaves me with only myself, my computer, and what I already have. But crikey, that seems so boring to me!
Please, someone, if some higher power exists, tell me that life will not always be this horribly boring.
Then again, I probably brought this upon myself. How? I have no idea. I only say that because there must be something I can be doing. But I'm so tired. I'm so lazy. I feel like I lost my ambition to the uncertainty of my future and ambiguity of my current situation: art school. Isn't that funny? I go to art school and I can't create anything. Not that my 'major' (oh, I shudder when I hear that word) calls for typical production or creation of typical 'art.'
Oh man, I think I'm losing my mind. Everything seems to be going in circles. Hopefully, in the end, I will find this circular line to be moving in a hermeneutic direction and, finally, it will amount to something. Everything will come together. I wish I had precognition so that I could see where the circle completes itself.
"The circle is complete. Now I am the master."
Will my lifeline come full circle? Will I be master of my own self? Will I be master of anything? Of my mind? Of my household? Of my possessions? Anything? At all? Someone, please answer me! What does the future hold? Where am I going and why!?
And now I really see the hopelessness and the pointlessness of it all. This ranting has only accomplished one thing: making me feel even more pathetic for wasting my time talking to myself. At least it made a little sense, but it was not enlightening in any way. It is just pointing out what is already existing by means of its own existence: boredom and yearning.
And now the time has come. Do I ride this out? Ride out this circling journey and see if it will ever come back to its beginnings? Or do I force a new direction hoping to find a new path to travel. Either way, I will be on a path. And either way, this is probably just me playing Oedipus. I'm fighting fate and trying to make myself believe that I have power against everything that has already been decided. That I have free will and I can choose my own future! But, it has already been decided what I will choose.
Simply, no other future exists! I am just fooling myself into thinking I can choose! I cannot choose! I am a pawn on the game of life! I am just another thread being used to stitch God's duvet so he can sleep soundly at night in this cold winter!
How selfish, you bastard!
And how depressing!