Dec 14, 2019 15:50
I haven't been the greatest at keeping journals of any kind in the past years. There has been too much outwardly and inwardly to focus on that I guess I just didn't have the energy or will to sit down and write about it on top of it.
2019 has seen my highest highs and my lowest lows, and I think I am at the point where the swining of the pendulum is too much for me to bear.
I met a wonderful man named Ryan this autumn, in St. John's. He is basically my dream guy, on all levels. I was at peak health and fitness. I had finally saw the re-emergence of a dream: to be on a journey with a beautiful man, my man. It all seemed to be unfolding as it should. Then we engaged in one sexual act, and my ulcerative colitis was triggered. It is now December, and I am still laid flat. There is no sign of an end to this. In fact, when it seemed like I was recovering, it came back again.
There is nothing more painful than loving a man who you feel you are supposed to be with, but he's not only on the other side of the country, his life is thriving and vibrant in the way that yours could be, if only you had made dfiferent choices. Yes... where I am right now is 100% my fault. I chose a career that doesn't pay based on lofty ideals about being a healer. I chose to stay in a city that does not support me on any level, leaving me cut off from any sense of human connection or community. I have a health condition that I probably created through sheer ignorance, back living in China, and in the years after of extreme stress while trying to make life in Vancouver work. I chose to put all of my heart, faith, time, energy and codependency into people who were never capable of really being a support system for me. Most important, I have had a deep seated belief forever that I can't take care of myself, and never learned to be ruthlessly independent so that I don't feel I have to rely on anybody.
Now I am dependent, in ill health, alone and isolated, trapped even. I have painted myself into a corner and I don't know how to get out of it. The man I love more than anyone right now - even if I try not to admit it, or look for reasons why it "might not work between us" - is like a tormenting lure to remind me of all the things I should have by now, but I have squandered my time and energy in pursuing. I have wasted my life on endless distractions, on jobs that don't pay, on people who take from me (and I let them) who are ungrateful and non-reciprocal, and most importantly I ran away and hid from life's challenges because of my traumatic past.
I did this. And now... I don't know how I can undo it. I am stuck in bed shitting 15+ times a day, being taken care of by my mother who I don't really get along with. The disease is basically incurable and even relief is hard to come by at this point. I am tormented constantly by dreams when I sleep, of trying to find Ryan but not being able to; dreams of separation, distance, and the forelorn conclusion they represent. I am stuck in this bed being tormented by my own mind. The only solution is to have my bowel removed and hope that it doesn't lead to a further tortuous life. My chemistry course, which was my paultry attempt at furthering my education with maybe some idea of a new career down the road, is totally on hold. I can't even sit up to study it.
Why would someone like Ryan even want to be with someone like me? He is in need of nothing. He has a robust resume, can really get any job he wants even if he complains about the ideological conflicts he has with most work; his community is large, or at least he has people around a lot; he is smart, attractive, beautiful, and independent. He could go anywhere in the world he wanted. There is nothing I can really offer him.
Sure, I am "the spiritual one". I have discovered more truths maybe. I have done more inner work maybe. I have gone to inner places that a lot of humans never go, by virtue of being so ill and isolated. But am I proud of those things? Are those things even what I really want out of life? The taste of life I had with Ryan in September... THAT is the life I want. And yet it is denied to me, over and over. The door is slammed in my face. I did it to myself, but nonetheless, the recoil of such a small moment of intimacy is brutal, extreme and so long-lived. I don't understand anymore.
I don't understand the why. I don't know the lesson I am supposed to learn. I don't know what this "journey" is. I just know that I want to live a happy, blissed out life where I don't experience this kind of suffering on the regular. I want normalcy, groundedness, stability, beauty, pleasure, love, marriage and union. Whatever it is happening now, it is NOT what I want. It is the complete opposite. This is hell.
I am going to the hospital tomorrow, for the upteenth time. I'm hoping they can test me for a parasitic infection, or some other kind of pathogen. The return of my UC flare feels infectious this time. Maybe it was the worm therapy I tried -- maybe it hasn't fully left, despite trying to eradicate it. Or maybe I really am just flaring again, all over... and it's being reset to the default hell. In that case, it will come down to my usual options... long-term suffering or colectomy. I am at the point of choosing euthanasia because I simply can't see a way forward in my life that does not involve furhter pain and terror. I want to be healed with my body in tact, I want to return to being robust and vital, I want to be in the light and in love with Ryan. But this is total darkness now. I have fallen from grace again.
I can't go through this anymore.