Christmas thoughts
"As long as there's still a thread you can weave a tapestry. It just takes one thread." -Adolpho
Despite some early frictions, I ended up having a really nice Christmas with Adolpho on Marine Dr with Cedar the dog. With Daelich and Glen gone, we stayed at their place for a few nights together. We shared a delicious turkey dinner, deserts, treats, and there was a lot of comfort. We watched lots of Rupaul's Drag Race and shared many laughs. Being in a different location also helped. Their home was neutral... no weird energy. The locale could be called boring but it was also uncomplicated. It felt like there were no worries.
My stools hardened up and the bleeding stopped, which was unexpected considering the recent hospital visit. I attribute this to the dryer, subzero weather around Christmas, and of course the wealth of nutritious food that was laden with warming spices. Warm and dry, just what the spleen ordered. Perhaps this constant soup approach is not the best thing. Perhaps I need to start eating more dry food, or food with a lit more fiber. I certainly wouldn't mind making a turkey dinner all the time!
As I return home, the worries set in. Rather than be swept up by them, I am examining why I am so worried. The fear stems from lack of connection, and the sense of not being connected comes from being alone and having to do everything for myself. Today I have been very pulled off centre by all the driving around, trying to help Adolpho figure out what went wrong with his paypal transfer from his friend Don in the USA. There is something about this day-to-day stuff, the lack of ease back into "normal life" after Christmas, that is shaking me. The vibration goes down. The container is already leaking. It feels like all the pleasantries of the past few days were a taste of a life that I may never have.
I'm just thinking... is this it? Is the goal to find as much money as possible to create comfort that you can bask in indefinitely? Is it to find a partner that you can revel in such a life with? Is it to amass as much security a possible even though security will never be really complete? (I mean, let's be honest, death takes us all eventually so how secure can you really be.) I know that life is what you make of it but it seems like everyone is more or less doing the same thing. And maybe that's because as humans with aging bodies we only have a limited number of options. It just seems like... the journey to go there, wherever "there" is, should have a genuine sense of connection along the way, whether it's through people, daily work, moments of beauty and awe, art and creation. But what I see and what I sense is that I am surrounded by a culture focused more on the destination.
So what it comes down to is this. I really can't handle being alone anymore. I've examined this existentially, spiritually, and philosophically... but I am finding that the need is actually practical. I can't handle the silence. I can't handle the computer being my only source of any kind of human contact. I can't handle an isolated life that is devoid of meaning. Tasha and I were talking on the phone about childhood stuff again and she reminded me of what an extrovert I was in the beginning. Then once adolescence hit and my spirit was crushed by all the bullying, I became an introvert. I think if I were a true introvert, this protracted alone time would not bother me so much. But the truth is that I'm a damaged extrovert that has felt forced into hiding. The damage has been relational.
Living with Adolpho at a third location for a few days has shown me some things. One is that I enjoy teamwork in my living environment. I enjoy splitting the burdens and joys. I don't necessarily always want to be relational in my home but knowing that the option is there helps a lot. When mom was here and I could hear her doing stuff in the kitchen, or just knowing she was out in the living room reading, it made me feel at peace. The same is true of Adolpho. There is something about the cold abandon of knowing that anything and everything I have to do for myself I must do by myself that is getting increasingly painful. It's not about mere adult responsibility. I can do the adult thing. I'm talking about communities of people who help one another... not just when times are tough of when there is an urgent plea, but as a routine matter of course.
I have said for years now that I can't go it alone anymore. I have been sitting looking for my community. But I just don't feel it. Everyone and everything feels disparate here. There is low energy lethargy and there is struggle. There is status and there is cruelty. There is also just a lot of void. If I'm going to go it alone, then I might as well go it alone out there... somewhere else. Maybe I have some degree of security here, but this security is incomplete and it's killing me slowly. My deep fear and distrust of roommates is obscuring the fact that I need to not live by myself anymore. The problem, which I see everywhere, is that people are generally unclean or inconsiderate. There are also conflicting living styles and needs. Looking at my past, I don't really know if any roommate could fulfill my criteria because the mere forced presence of someone I don't know would create tension. So that leaves moving in with someone I do know. Assuming that the Vancouver rental market has one iota of mercy left in it, then perhaps this could be my goal going forward.
For 2018 I would like to create genuine, practical human connections. I don't know how I'll do this... but I am done with being alone. Looking back, every year I write about the same problem: isolation. When I want to be alone I REALLY want to be alone, but when I want human connection it feels hard to find. I am done blaming myself for not being able to handle aloneness as well as I should. I am also done with the spiritual examinations. There are basic facts that can't be ignored, like humans are not meant to be in solitary confinement. This apartment has felt like a prison. I want to feel connection again. I'm tired of being told I'm always connected and to remember the Golden Rule. I am also a human being having a human level experience. This human needs love, affection, human bonds and mutual care. Looking back at the pieces of the puzzle in my past strong relationships (before they became train wrecks), I can mine a lot of guidance from the parts that were good for me and showed me some truths about myself.
It's time I reflect on my Sacred Dream and start putting a plan into action. It's time to look at my real self and craft a life from its essence.
Let's break it down further...
What makes me feel safe and connected?
Spirituality. Knowing that I am watched over, cared for/about, that I am not alone in the other realms either. That the Creator has my back. That there is a plan and I am part of it. That everything will be okay no matter what happens. That there are no accidents. That I exist with purpose and I am never abandoned. That all darkness and light are ultimately intructive. That I have an indestructable soul that is a constant, personable witness to all that I experience. That everything I have been, am and will be is an outpouring of the spirit.
Money. Not just survival money, but "escape" money. You could move anywhere and start over money. You could travel the world for 5 years and detach yourself from material need for a while money. You could hide out and not be responsible money. You don't have to rely on or negotiate with fucked up people anymore money. You can help all your loved ones money. You can create a project or institution to help humanity money. "Fuck you bitches" money. Not answering to know-it-alls, greedy employers and establishment psychos money. Basically... autonomy, safety and security money. Material freedom money.
Food. Food that I can eat without autoimmune or allergic reactions. Food that is tasty, nurturing and warming. Food that I make with others, Food that is "guilt-free" in that sense that I don't have to second guess it in any sense. I don't have to worry about where it comes from, who's paying for it, is it fairly divided, is it toxic, etc. Just good, wholesome, fairly earned food that is prepared and shared between me and my loved ones.
Health. No pain, no bleeding, no crisis. Just stable, quiet health. A body that works and can carry me through what I need to do, within reason.
People. Knowing I can get to people when I need them, on demand, and talk to them in a genuine and a sincere way. Being real with others. Sharing in the joys and miseries. Constant reminders that I'm not in this alone and that everything I experience is also being experienced by someone else. Mutuality.
Laughter and humour. I don't care where it comes from as long as it cracks me up. Intelligent humour. Witty humour. And of course, all shared with loved ones.
Receiving. I am so generous with others, but I secretly want to be given to just as much. I want to receive gifts, care, compassion, material and non-material things. As long as it has meaning or use. I want to bathe in the riches of this world and I want to be a channel of abundance for others in kind.
Inspiration. Experiencing limitlessness, even just conceptually. Having moments where the sky's the limit. Feeling more than I am or could ever be. Knowing, feeling and experiencing that this body, this person, this life, the way things are being done, are not all there is or ever will be.
Comfort. I like feeling warm, well fed, cozy, safe. Cuddling.
Beauty. Natural beauty, amazing artwork, life force energy, creativity, colour.
An escape route. Knowing I can leave this way of life if I need to. Knowing that I could go somewhere. Knowing there's an out if all else fails. Having a backup. Having a way home.