Improv class
This weekend was improv class with Andrew Harwood. I was really nervous going in but it ended up being improv, not contact improv. The exercises were user friendly and challenging in their own ways, and got me a lot more comfortable with improv in general. It seems that when I push myself with body work and movement, I end up reaping rich inner rewards. So I need to take a queue from this weekend and keep trusting that being in my body will continue to stabilize me on all levels.
It has been tiring though. Two 6 hour days. There were breaks in between but nonetheless it was constant activity. What I've learned about myself doing improv is similar to what I've learned about myself from life in general: that I do better on the periphery as a soloist, or someone who dips in to provide support but who is not too intimately intertwined. At first is saddened me to learn this about myself because that feeling of being left out was so strong, but eventually I got to explore freedom through knowing that every person contributes something to the greater composition just by being in the room. Just by being alive. Owning my sense of alienation allowed me to push the boundaries of my own creativity and in the end I had rich and intimate interactions with most of the people. It was really touching.
The group has disbanded now but I've met some people who I will surely see again. The beginnings of a new community, perhaps?
I enjoyed the conversation I had with Maggie on lunch break out in the sun. We are both energetically sensitive people who deal with chronic fatigue. She commended me for taking ballet and affirmed that all dance forms lead to greater embodiment and self-knowledge. I'm glad I stuck with ballet class.
What inspired me to write this entry is that I had kundalini a couple of times in the end 1.5 hour open improv. The sun was shining through the large pane windows into the studio, forming all kinds of shapes and shadows. The moments where I was completely still on the dancefloor were contrasted against my movements, and each vantage point made me feel ritualistic; I used the big exercise ball to toss around, I opened and shut the doors. Something to do with everyone in the room moving around me, using my body, coming and going, entering and exiting... I not only felt accepted but I felt part of a much greater orchestration that none of us could have contrived. I felt God. I wanted to cry and smile at the same time. The moments were so fleeting and I knew they had to end, so I tried to drink in every last drop of the sacred energy I felt. I miss the group already but as with all contact, it arises and then dissolves. I just hope that I have the opportunity to experience more in the future.
Things with Adolpho this weekend have been challenging. He dropped in to watch the rest of class on Saturday and then he took me home after. I was pretty wiped out, though fulfilled. He did kitchen chores for me while I took a bath which was really sweet of him. He practically kicked me out of my own kitchen. We went out and had Thai food on Hastings which was rather spicy and heating. We watched a movie (Devil Wear's Prada) and then went to bed. The sleep did not go well. The heat of the food really fucked me up and set my GI ablaze. I found out today it did the same for him. In the middle of the night he got up angry and got ready to leave. He said he felt like I didn't want him there, which wasn't true. It's because I woke him up to roll over due to his snoring. Really what was happening is that we were both on fire and underneath a ton of blankets. Even after he left I slept very poorly into the morning before I left for class. I got maybe 3-4 hours tops. It was also hard to go back to sleep and truly rest knowing that he was riding home in the middle of the night. He told me today that there were creepy people coming out of the shadows everywhere and he felt like he had some bad energy on him. It is challenging to keep this relationship even keel because of the status of our individual inner work. Whether it's him or me or both, there is an unpredictable and emotionally volatile aspect to it. We can be having what, to me, seems like a perfectly good evening, and it can end in utter disharmony. It's stressing me out because there's no real pattern to it, so I can't avoid it or remedy it.
He told me on the phone today that he had just reached the end of his fuse of patience with my special needs, if I recall the conversation correctly. I'm not sure if he was referring to food limitations, the fact that I was tired, or that he feels he has to take care of me. I really don't know. But what it boils down to is that I am feeling pretty crappy about myself now. Somehow I am triggering him into feeling trapped and having to do things on my behalf that he doesn't want to do. At the same time I know it's not my fault or my problem. It was one night of lousy sleep and now it has become an odd relationship drama. The demands on him, he seems to be placing on himself. Sometimes I wonder if he just wants to be around me because it provides temporary relief from the bleakness of his own life, and because I am the one of the only people who believes in him right now. I hate to think in such cynical ways.
He's going to interview this coming week for our apartment cleaning job to resume. It may mean two extra days of work per week for me, which I could use right now. I also rather enjoyed it, oddly enough. He's also hoping that his friend Mark from Lesquite Island invites him to stay at Leviathan this summer. As much as I want that new chapter to open up for him, I can't help but ask, "What about me?" I keep getting the impression that he's going to take any out he can get, and I'll just have to deal with it. He has told me many times that he doesn't want another 10 year scenario like he just got out of. He doesn't want a committed relationship. He wants freedom. Yet he'll say things like... "one day if we live together"... or we'll just be joined at the hip day in and day out. There is a certainly degree of uncertainty level chaos in being with him. Obviously that's true of any relationship, we never know what the future holds. But I mean... we haven't known each other that long in the grand scheme, and there are some foundational things that every relationship needs to feel safe and to feel held. As Pierre-Luc told me this evening in his ESL way, "Don't fight. Life is short. Little fight it's ok. But not big one." It's driving me a bit crazy how consistently misunderstood I am. I mean really, he thought I didn't want him here? That I wanted him to leave? I was asleep! Was I giving off some fuck off energy I wasn't aware of? It just doesn't make sense.
I got into this relationship because it seemed to have mature, adult potential. Now it is starting to feel as potentially ephemeral as any other. My hope is that we can continue being side by side into the future... but like a Contact Improv dance, it lasts as long as it lasts. Sometimes we fling apart only to come back together. Sometimes we dance together for a very long time, sometimes it's brief. Sometimes we explore while connected. Sometimes the dance ends before one or both people is satisfied or resolved. Such is life. It's just a very, very difficult lesson for me to understand. It is part of seeing God in that dance room... being the ever present witness, watching it all fly by and whirl around, pointlessly, beautifully, temporarily. It breaks my heart and cracks it open simultaneously.
But the deep wound it triggers is this. People never stay. They get close and then they're gone. I don't think I can live in a world where nobody stays. I know all relationships are temporary, even if by death... but my longest relationship with a man has been 1 year. It's not right. I want things to stabilize in this department. I want him to stick around.
It has been tiring though. Two 6 hour days. There were breaks in between but nonetheless it was constant activity. What I've learned about myself doing improv is similar to what I've learned about myself from life in general: that I do better on the periphery as a soloist, or someone who dips in to provide support but who is not too intimately intertwined. At first is saddened me to learn this about myself because that feeling of being left out was so strong, but eventually I got to explore freedom through knowing that every person contributes something to the greater composition just by being in the room. Just by being alive. Owning my sense of alienation allowed me to push the boundaries of my own creativity and in the end I had rich and intimate interactions with most of the people. It was really touching.
The group has disbanded now but I've met some people who I will surely see again. The beginnings of a new community, perhaps?
I enjoyed the conversation I had with Maggie on lunch break out in the sun. We are both energetically sensitive people who deal with chronic fatigue. She commended me for taking ballet and affirmed that all dance forms lead to greater embodiment and self-knowledge. I'm glad I stuck with ballet class.
What inspired me to write this entry is that I had kundalini a couple of times in the end 1.5 hour open improv. The sun was shining through the large pane windows into the studio, forming all kinds of shapes and shadows. The moments where I was completely still on the dancefloor were contrasted against my movements, and each vantage point made me feel ritualistic; I used the big exercise ball to toss around, I opened and shut the doors. Something to do with everyone in the room moving around me, using my body, coming and going, entering and exiting... I not only felt accepted but I felt part of a much greater orchestration that none of us could have contrived. I felt God. I wanted to cry and smile at the same time. The moments were so fleeting and I knew they had to end, so I tried to drink in every last drop of the sacred energy I felt. I miss the group already but as with all contact, it arises and then dissolves. I just hope that I have the opportunity to experience more in the future.
Things with Adolpho this weekend have been challenging. He dropped in to watch the rest of class on Saturday and then he took me home after. I was pretty wiped out, though fulfilled. He did kitchen chores for me while I took a bath which was really sweet of him. He practically kicked me out of my own kitchen. We went out and had Thai food on Hastings which was rather spicy and heating. We watched a movie (Devil Wear's Prada) and then went to bed. The sleep did not go well. The heat of the food really fucked me up and set my GI ablaze. I found out today it did the same for him. In the middle of the night he got up angry and got ready to leave. He said he felt like I didn't want him there, which wasn't true. It's because I woke him up to roll over due to his snoring. Really what was happening is that we were both on fire and underneath a ton of blankets. Even after he left I slept very poorly into the morning before I left for class. I got maybe 3-4 hours tops. It was also hard to go back to sleep and truly rest knowing that he was riding home in the middle of the night. He told me today that there were creepy people coming out of the shadows everywhere and he felt like he had some bad energy on him. It is challenging to keep this relationship even keel because of the status of our individual inner work. Whether it's him or me or both, there is an unpredictable and emotionally volatile aspect to it. We can be having what, to me, seems like a perfectly good evening, and it can end in utter disharmony. It's stressing me out because there's no real pattern to it, so I can't avoid it or remedy it.
He told me on the phone today that he had just reached the end of his fuse of patience with my special needs, if I recall the conversation correctly. I'm not sure if he was referring to food limitations, the fact that I was tired, or that he feels he has to take care of me. I really don't know. But what it boils down to is that I am feeling pretty crappy about myself now. Somehow I am triggering him into feeling trapped and having to do things on my behalf that he doesn't want to do. At the same time I know it's not my fault or my problem. It was one night of lousy sleep and now it has become an odd relationship drama. The demands on him, he seems to be placing on himself. Sometimes I wonder if he just wants to be around me because it provides temporary relief from the bleakness of his own life, and because I am the one of the only people who believes in him right now. I hate to think in such cynical ways.
He's going to interview this coming week for our apartment cleaning job to resume. It may mean two extra days of work per week for me, which I could use right now. I also rather enjoyed it, oddly enough. He's also hoping that his friend Mark from Lesquite Island invites him to stay at Leviathan this summer. As much as I want that new chapter to open up for him, I can't help but ask, "What about me?" I keep getting the impression that he's going to take any out he can get, and I'll just have to deal with it. He has told me many times that he doesn't want another 10 year scenario like he just got out of. He doesn't want a committed relationship. He wants freedom. Yet he'll say things like... "one day if we live together"... or we'll just be joined at the hip day in and day out. There is a certainly degree of uncertainty level chaos in being with him. Obviously that's true of any relationship, we never know what the future holds. But I mean... we haven't known each other that long in the grand scheme, and there are some foundational things that every relationship needs to feel safe and to feel held. As Pierre-Luc told me this evening in his ESL way, "Don't fight. Life is short. Little fight it's ok. But not big one." It's driving me a bit crazy how consistently misunderstood I am. I mean really, he thought I didn't want him here? That I wanted him to leave? I was asleep! Was I giving off some fuck off energy I wasn't aware of? It just doesn't make sense.
I got into this relationship because it seemed to have mature, adult potential. Now it is starting to feel as potentially ephemeral as any other. My hope is that we can continue being side by side into the future... but like a Contact Improv dance, it lasts as long as it lasts. Sometimes we fling apart only to come back together. Sometimes we dance together for a very long time, sometimes it's brief. Sometimes we explore while connected. Sometimes the dance ends before one or both people is satisfied or resolved. Such is life. It's just a very, very difficult lesson for me to understand. It is part of seeing God in that dance room... being the ever present witness, watching it all fly by and whirl around, pointlessly, beautifully, temporarily. It breaks my heart and cracks it open simultaneously.
But the deep wound it triggers is this. People never stay. They get close and then they're gone. I don't think I can live in a world where nobody stays. I know all relationships are temporary, even if by death... but my longest relationship with a man has been 1 year. It's not right. I want things to stabilize in this department. I want him to stick around.