Coming down (a reflection)
Inwardly, things have changed a lot, but I still have days where I sink into existentialism. My life has become very busy lately and filled with activity, much of it onerous. I am in love again and have a nice partnership shaping up. I am still very much dissatisfied with my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the things I have, for my life and my health, for intimacy. I would not turn back the clock on that for anything.
I guess what's happening now is... I am becoming more embodied. There is no psychedelic paradise to run away to, no illusion. I am coming to terms with having spent so much of my youth going as far out as possible in order to feel OK being alive. There has been grief over it. I wasted so much time running away from myself. That, or I was seeking an antidote to the meaninglessness of existence. Now I have come full circle. I have never been an addict but I suspect that this is the #1 thing addicts are really dealing with when they try to get sober.
Now that I am having to learn how to practice being OK in any given moment, and not rely on the external world so much to feel stable, I am facing the fact that there is nowhere to go. I could travel, I could go back to school, I could have a fling, I could do anything I put my mind to. And yet it never changes the momentariness or the OKness. So I'm adjusting to living life this way, of not being compulsively driven by trauma psychology or "shoulds" to do stuff. I'm trying to listen quietly to my heart.
Maybe I'm just biding my time for now, I dunno. I was looking at Maslow's Hierarchy the other day (which he actually stole from native people), and I am trying to practice contentment while also feeling a nebulous drive to reach higher and higher. But where do I think I'm supposed to go? I have all the basics taken care of now but that inner dissatisfaction lingers. It's the age old question.
I guess I'm "better" in the sense that there's no more crisis or apocalypse. My old trauma psychology actually wants to create some drama because it almost makes more sense than facing the flatness of existence, but I am not letting it. There is a new side to myself emerging that just wants to be as perennial as a tree... sitting there in one spot and being OK with the seasons changing. I know some people might think that sounds so basic, but when you have spent most of your life feeling uncomfortable in a body, it's kind of profound.
Seems like I'm coming down.
I guess what's happening now is... I am becoming more embodied. There is no psychedelic paradise to run away to, no illusion. I am coming to terms with having spent so much of my youth going as far out as possible in order to feel OK being alive. There has been grief over it. I wasted so much time running away from myself. That, or I was seeking an antidote to the meaninglessness of existence. Now I have come full circle. I have never been an addict but I suspect that this is the #1 thing addicts are really dealing with when they try to get sober.
Now that I am having to learn how to practice being OK in any given moment, and not rely on the external world so much to feel stable, I am facing the fact that there is nowhere to go. I could travel, I could go back to school, I could have a fling, I could do anything I put my mind to. And yet it never changes the momentariness or the OKness. So I'm adjusting to living life this way, of not being compulsively driven by trauma psychology or "shoulds" to do stuff. I'm trying to listen quietly to my heart.
Maybe I'm just biding my time for now, I dunno. I was looking at Maslow's Hierarchy the other day (which he actually stole from native people), and I am trying to practice contentment while also feeling a nebulous drive to reach higher and higher. But where do I think I'm supposed to go? I have all the basics taken care of now but that inner dissatisfaction lingers. It's the age old question.
I guess I'm "better" in the sense that there's no more crisis or apocalypse. My old trauma psychology actually wants to create some drama because it almost makes more sense than facing the flatness of existence, but I am not letting it. There is a new side to myself emerging that just wants to be as perennial as a tree... sitting there in one spot and being OK with the seasons changing. I know some people might think that sounds so basic, but when you have spent most of your life feeling uncomfortable in a body, it's kind of profound.
Seems like I'm coming down.