Insights with Susan
- the cyanide experiment: wanting to have an out so that I feel safe to live (it's actually about life, not suicide)
- what happened during the experiment
- Susan's pluto transit is concluding just how I said it was: partnership, marriage, bought a house, end of 18 month trial regarding home, family, and partnership; gives me hope that I will also get things in the right time
- the core of cores, the seed of all my wounds, is rejection... starts at the onset of adolescence, and hasn't been the same since
- my subconscious death wish and always attracting death, crisis, etc... is a body-based desire to die after experiencing such intense rejection early on
- went from having a relatively happy childhood and feeling connected, to suddenly everyone at school was cruel, the authorities were useless or blamed me, I was drugged, I was mishandled, I was misunderstood; that original wound persists
- I am really just seeking connection because I experienced such a harsh disconnect early on; the disconnect is now slowly killing me
- it's like my body/personality wants to die, but my spirit keeps trying to shine through with its deep wisdom and experience
- feels in the body like a sinking feeling, a disappointment, a self-abandonment... whenever something doesn't go right, whenever I don't feel like I belong, whenever I don't connect -- the disappointment is reinforced
- likewise, I create situations and self-sabotage in order to reinforce the story, because that is the original pattern
- solution: return to the inner child, the one that was happy before all the bad crap happened; talk to him, find out what he wants, what makes him happy, his insights
- also, I am processing generations worth of stuff from my lineages, especially the male sign (dad's side); this work is heavy --> do ancestor work?
Chiron in the first house: essential personality damaged, rejected, wounded. Feel like something is wrong with you intrinsically, and not just something about you. You are wrong. This is the primary wound that makes you feel disconnected from yourself, from life, from everything.
You have sought connection through traveling, through relationships with important men and women, and when they eventually leave you are devastated because the sense of connection "goes with them". Perhaps everyone needs to fall away in order for you to see that the connection needs to be within you.
Once your original connection is realized and restored, everything else in life will align. Being OK with you is important.
Proposed steps:
1) Lots of retreats, camping, alone time for writing and reflection. Identify the issues. (i.e. the secret death wish, feelings of rejection, deep sadnesses, among other things. Talk to your HGA, higher self, and other allies.)
2) A therapist who can provide you with tools to help yourself through this. Re-programming the subconscious.
According to Susan, part of the re-programming is in recognizing that the sabotaging is happening -- that you're choosing people, situations and scenarios that are inherently doomed, so that you can reinforce the need for your own personal doomsday. Once you recognize that you are doing this, you can begin the difficult, necessary and rewarding process of overriding it with each and every choice you make.
- what happened during the experiment
- Susan's pluto transit is concluding just how I said it was: partnership, marriage, bought a house, end of 18 month trial regarding home, family, and partnership; gives me hope that I will also get things in the right time
- the core of cores, the seed of all my wounds, is rejection... starts at the onset of adolescence, and hasn't been the same since
- my subconscious death wish and always attracting death, crisis, etc... is a body-based desire to die after experiencing such intense rejection early on
- went from having a relatively happy childhood and feeling connected, to suddenly everyone at school was cruel, the authorities were useless or blamed me, I was drugged, I was mishandled, I was misunderstood; that original wound persists
- I am really just seeking connection because I experienced such a harsh disconnect early on; the disconnect is now slowly killing me
- it's like my body/personality wants to die, but my spirit keeps trying to shine through with its deep wisdom and experience
- feels in the body like a sinking feeling, a disappointment, a self-abandonment... whenever something doesn't go right, whenever I don't feel like I belong, whenever I don't connect -- the disappointment is reinforced
- likewise, I create situations and self-sabotage in order to reinforce the story, because that is the original pattern
- solution: return to the inner child, the one that was happy before all the bad crap happened; talk to him, find out what he wants, what makes him happy, his insights
- also, I am processing generations worth of stuff from my lineages, especially the male sign (dad's side); this work is heavy --> do ancestor work?
Chiron in the first house: essential personality damaged, rejected, wounded. Feel like something is wrong with you intrinsically, and not just something about you. You are wrong. This is the primary wound that makes you feel disconnected from yourself, from life, from everything.
You have sought connection through traveling, through relationships with important men and women, and when they eventually leave you are devastated because the sense of connection "goes with them". Perhaps everyone needs to fall away in order for you to see that the connection needs to be within you.
Once your original connection is realized and restored, everything else in life will align. Being OK with you is important.
Proposed steps:
1) Lots of retreats, camping, alone time for writing and reflection. Identify the issues. (i.e. the secret death wish, feelings of rejection, deep sadnesses, among other things. Talk to your HGA, higher self, and other allies.)
2) A therapist who can provide you with tools to help yourself through this. Re-programming the subconscious.
According to Susan, part of the re-programming is in recognizing that the sabotaging is happening -- that you're choosing people, situations and scenarios that are inherently doomed, so that you can reinforce the need for your own personal doomsday. Once you recognize that you are doing this, you can begin the difficult, necessary and rewarding process of overriding it with each and every choice you make.