Envy
Before I begin, I thought I'd note yet another two for you to ponder, just in case you're around and want to be warned of a second coming after witnessing the first. I already said before that I hate UPS, but now we have this from FedEx. I guess I just hate the weather in the mid-west. Not long ago I ordered a new hard drive. It got delayed because of bad storms. I ordered this past week a part for fixing my garbage TV. It is being delayed by Mr. Ike. A day late once again. And on to my true pondering today.
Love does not envy. You'll find it stated in I Corinthians 12:4. The first meaning of envy is that of covetousness or jealousy--wanting to possess something. I don't know why but it jumped at me during this evening's Bible study.
I think I do envy too much rather than let love go freely where it wills. If your response to that is, "Oh, he finally realized that," then you are quite wrong yet I'm sorry if my ill will may have caused you worry. Tonight I realize that there is yet an echo of it left in me. I've long known that I spewed envy upon those who I took company with, and I've hated my own self just the same and more for coming off as a coward and a creep.
For many years my own social inhibitions had the best of me and I stupidly followed some around assuming they'd take interest in me if I was near them even without carrying on good conversation. My freshman-year roommate had a glaring stare of envy for one old friend, and I accused him of the very thing I've done. I was never as aggressive as he, but it's not so different when you stare passively.
I may say envy in love comes from loneliness. A want for a companion can drive one to envy if they don't see quick success. God envies our love, and I guess he might have been lonely for an eternity before creating all of us. Yet God is pure and He is justified in making us for His own glory. You didn't make your friends or your companions, so what justification do you have until you are bound in marriage? Goes to say you can't pick your friends.
I spent plenty of time trying to shifting my behavior to something I considered socially acceptable. But I still never feel less than awkward in any social situation. Even now, with five years being apart of the same Bible study, I still see myself one who wanders between conversations--never talking and always listening. Some say to me they wish they could listen better, but there is no green grass on either side until you're given Heaven.
Instead of turning talker, I've more or less turned me. I've been more happy with being myself now than ever. I've come over hurdles full stride and ready for the next, and I here testimony from peers struggling through the things I did long ago. That does not in the least make me mightier, just different, just me.
I talk more when I get to know anyone better. That's something my friends say of me, and it is still true. Some people must think my good friends have super-human hearing abilities with the little voice I carry, but they'd be wrong. Yet something is still missing there. Perhaps it is interest as well as comfort that keeps my voice yolked. I still get asked often to speak up in many situations. I can certainly be loud when necessity demands it however I still slink back to a whisper when I have no interest. I've pondered getting it clinically diagnosed as some kind of psychological disorder so I can put the joke on all those job interviewers who discriminated against my soft voice. Enough of that however.
Being asked to repeat myself or speak up has slowly become something of an insult to me. No, it's not crazy. Mental conditioning will make anyone feel insulted by something that others see trivial. These personal insults are what makes it harder for me to believe I am comparable to anyone else. I continue to feel out of the circle at times, and that's where my envy creeps inside.
If I see someone getting on well with someone I'm interested in, jealousy easily bubbles up unless there is good reason to show they're only talking and not bringing out the bait and tackle. I sometimes sit there and stare until things simmer and I leave or I will just leave. I meet someone and they go off into deep conversation with someone else and I turn envious--wanting their attention to reaffirm myself that I'm normal.
It is stupid and childish, but it's rare for me to have any conversation run deep. When I find that in someone or go wandering looking for that someone, envy and jealousy simmer on the surface when I feel that good friend will turn friend in passing. I have a hard time liking the next person who catches their interest.
My mind's been like that for a long time, but I've certainly reduced my envy to a whisper. I thought I'd cleansed the idea entirely, but tonight I realized that it is still driven in deep like a nail in a tree grown old. No one has ever corrected me except once, and I assume the rest just passed me off as an outsider. I guess it has festered so long that my own medicine does little else for the problem. It may creep up here and there in the smallest of ways, yet it won't easily go away. Only after I learn more truly what love is in God's sight can I rid my mind of envy masqueraded.
God loves us like a man loves his collector car. The man knows everything about the car and how to fix it. He keeps it running well and shines it to perfection. The car knows little about itself except what sensors are provided. In a way, God sees his creation as his collector car. He loves and cares for it to keep it in the best condition. We barely understand ourselves let alone the solar system or galaxy. It's impossible to fathom the depths of God's mind if he understands every piece of this universe and our own world. Our bodies have no capacity to understand any of it. In that sense, there is no way we can see love for what love is in these perishable bodies we have.
I will strive against envy and towards love, but the depths of love I cannot touch but the surface of a pool to test the waters for its temperature for that is all I'll ever know of love if love must be understood like the grandness of the universe and its creator.
Love does not envy. You'll find it stated in I Corinthians 12:4. The first meaning of envy is that of covetousness or jealousy--wanting to possess something. I don't know why but it jumped at me during this evening's Bible study.
I think I do envy too much rather than let love go freely where it wills. If your response to that is, "Oh, he finally realized that," then you are quite wrong yet I'm sorry if my ill will may have caused you worry. Tonight I realize that there is yet an echo of it left in me. I've long known that I spewed envy upon those who I took company with, and I've hated my own self just the same and more for coming off as a coward and a creep.
For many years my own social inhibitions had the best of me and I stupidly followed some around assuming they'd take interest in me if I was near them even without carrying on good conversation. My freshman-year roommate had a glaring stare of envy for one old friend, and I accused him of the very thing I've done. I was never as aggressive as he, but it's not so different when you stare passively.
I may say envy in love comes from loneliness. A want for a companion can drive one to envy if they don't see quick success. God envies our love, and I guess he might have been lonely for an eternity before creating all of us. Yet God is pure and He is justified in making us for His own glory. You didn't make your friends or your companions, so what justification do you have until you are bound in marriage? Goes to say you can't pick your friends.
I spent plenty of time trying to shifting my behavior to something I considered socially acceptable. But I still never feel less than awkward in any social situation. Even now, with five years being apart of the same Bible study, I still see myself one who wanders between conversations--never talking and always listening. Some say to me they wish they could listen better, but there is no green grass on either side until you're given Heaven.
Instead of turning talker, I've more or less turned me. I've been more happy with being myself now than ever. I've come over hurdles full stride and ready for the next, and I here testimony from peers struggling through the things I did long ago. That does not in the least make me mightier, just different, just me.
I talk more when I get to know anyone better. That's something my friends say of me, and it is still true. Some people must think my good friends have super-human hearing abilities with the little voice I carry, but they'd be wrong. Yet something is still missing there. Perhaps it is interest as well as comfort that keeps my voice yolked. I still get asked often to speak up in many situations. I can certainly be loud when necessity demands it however I still slink back to a whisper when I have no interest. I've pondered getting it clinically diagnosed as some kind of psychological disorder so I can put the joke on all those job interviewers who discriminated against my soft voice. Enough of that however.
Being asked to repeat myself or speak up has slowly become something of an insult to me. No, it's not crazy. Mental conditioning will make anyone feel insulted by something that others see trivial. These personal insults are what makes it harder for me to believe I am comparable to anyone else. I continue to feel out of the circle at times, and that's where my envy creeps inside.
If I see someone getting on well with someone I'm interested in, jealousy easily bubbles up unless there is good reason to show they're only talking and not bringing out the bait and tackle. I sometimes sit there and stare until things simmer and I leave or I will just leave. I meet someone and they go off into deep conversation with someone else and I turn envious--wanting their attention to reaffirm myself that I'm normal.
It is stupid and childish, but it's rare for me to have any conversation run deep. When I find that in someone or go wandering looking for that someone, envy and jealousy simmer on the surface when I feel that good friend will turn friend in passing. I have a hard time liking the next person who catches their interest.
My mind's been like that for a long time, but I've certainly reduced my envy to a whisper. I thought I'd cleansed the idea entirely, but tonight I realized that it is still driven in deep like a nail in a tree grown old. No one has ever corrected me except once, and I assume the rest just passed me off as an outsider. I guess it has festered so long that my own medicine does little else for the problem. It may creep up here and there in the smallest of ways, yet it won't easily go away. Only after I learn more truly what love is in God's sight can I rid my mind of envy masqueraded.
God loves us like a man loves his collector car. The man knows everything about the car and how to fix it. He keeps it running well and shines it to perfection. The car knows little about itself except what sensors are provided. In a way, God sees his creation as his collector car. He loves and cares for it to keep it in the best condition. We barely understand ourselves let alone the solar system or galaxy. It's impossible to fathom the depths of God's mind if he understands every piece of this universe and our own world. Our bodies have no capacity to understand any of it. In that sense, there is no way we can see love for what love is in these perishable bodies we have.
I will strive against envy and towards love, but the depths of love I cannot touch but the surface of a pool to test the waters for its temperature for that is all I'll ever know of love if love must be understood like the grandness of the universe and its creator.