Bad Questions
As you may or may not know, I'm going crazy this week trying to get all my homework done as well as set up everything for Transgender Week here on campus. I've just spent the last 4 hours working on definitions, history and explanations of transgender people. I think this last piece I've put together is both informative and kind of funny. It's also been requested by some of the youth I volunteer with at YFT that I post snappy answers to stupid questions. This should kill two birds with one stone. Enjoy, and let me know what you think.
I know this is a bad question, but…
If you know it’s offensive or inappropriate to ask a certain question, then don’t ask it! Imagine it this way, would you ask the same question of your mother or father? If not, then it’s probably inappropriate.
What made you transgender?
What made you cisgender? No one really knows how gender identity is formed but it’s believed to be a combination of nature and nurture. A person can’t be “tricked” or “confused” into being transgender through therapy, peer pressure, upbringing or anything else. Gender identity is innate and unchangeable.
What is your “real” name?
If a transgender person has changed their name, do not ask about their birth name. This is disrespectful and implies they are being dishonest by presenting their preferred and/or legal name.
Can I see a “before” picture?
Would you want to show someone a picture of you at your fattest, your least attractive, your most depressed? This is how many transgender people feel about older pictures. By asking to see a picture of a transgender person before they came out or transitioned, you’re implying their gender presentation now is less genuine than their gender presentation before.
Have you had “The Surgery”?
Asking anyone about their genitals is completely rude and offensive. While many transgender people do receive sex-reassignment surgery, this is not true for all. A person’s “surgery status” does not validate their gender identity and is nobody’s business.
How do you really know you’re transgender?
How do you really know what your gender is? Is it only because someone told you from birth or is it an innate sense of belonging? If you magically woke up with different genitals would you blindly change gender or try to correct your body? The same is true for transgender people.
How do you have sex?
This is not an appropriate question to ask a cisgender person, so it is not appropriate to ask a transgender person either. Regardless of what you may or may not know about their genital status, unless you’re in a sexual relationship with that person, it’s none of your business.
Aren’t you really just gay?
Sexual orientation and gender expression are not linked together. If a transgender person identifies as a woman and dates men, she dates heterosexual men. If a transgender person identifies as a man and dates men, he dates homosexual men. Ignore the fact that this person is transgender and you can answer your own question.
Are you a man or a woman?
If a transgender person has shared their personal history with you, you should already know how they identify. If you’re still not sure, use their gender expression and other cues. As a last resort, politely ask what gender pronoun they would prefer. Anything else, such as birth sex, is none of your business.
I really do think of you as a man/woman.
Is this something you would say to your cisgender friends? Of course not! While you may think you’re being encouraging, you’re actually “othering” the transgender person and saying their gender expression is less genuine.
You pass so well, you look just like a real man/woman!
Many transgender people consider “passing” to be offensive because it implies their gender expression is somehow deceitful. The reason why they “look like” their gender is because they are that gender. While you may think you’re being supportive you’re actually claiming their gender expression is “almost” as good as a cisgender person’s.
Is (insert secondary-sex characteristic here) real?
Asking a trans woman if her breasts are real is extremely offensive. Asking a trans man if his goatee is real is also extremely offensive. Would you be asking this question if you didn’t know they were transgender? Of course not! So don’t ask.
I should’ve known, I noticed (insert body flaw here)!
Listing off a transgender person’s body characteristics or flaws after they share their history with you is extremely hurtful. Everyone is self-conscious of their body to some degree and everyone has characteristics of both genders they may be uncomfortable about. Be respectful and think before you speak.
I’ve seen (insert movie or TV show here), so I know all about you.
You wouldn’t claim to know all about being a Native American after seeing Pocahontas, so don’t do the same to transgender people. While there are some respectful and informative shows out there, many are offensive and contain stereotypes or myths. Watching TV is no substitute for actual experience.
My (insert acquaintance here) is gay, so I totally understand.
Being gay and being transgender are completely different things. Being gay has to do with a person’s sexual orientation. Being transgender has to do with a person’s gender identity. Transgender people can be any sexual orientation just like cisgender people.
Some final thoughts:
Being friends with a transgender person is no different than being friends with a cisgender person. If you’re curious about a particular aspect of transition or transgender people, try to do some research on your own rather than assuming a transgender person has all the answers. Above all, be respectful, think before you speak and treat them the same way you would want to be treated.
I know this is a bad question, but…
If you know it’s offensive or inappropriate to ask a certain question, then don’t ask it! Imagine it this way, would you ask the same question of your mother or father? If not, then it’s probably inappropriate.
What made you transgender?
What made you cisgender? No one really knows how gender identity is formed but it’s believed to be a combination of nature and nurture. A person can’t be “tricked” or “confused” into being transgender through therapy, peer pressure, upbringing or anything else. Gender identity is innate and unchangeable.
What is your “real” name?
If a transgender person has changed their name, do not ask about their birth name. This is disrespectful and implies they are being dishonest by presenting their preferred and/or legal name.
Can I see a “before” picture?
Would you want to show someone a picture of you at your fattest, your least attractive, your most depressed? This is how many transgender people feel about older pictures. By asking to see a picture of a transgender person before they came out or transitioned, you’re implying their gender presentation now is less genuine than their gender presentation before.
Have you had “The Surgery”?
Asking anyone about their genitals is completely rude and offensive. While many transgender people do receive sex-reassignment surgery, this is not true for all. A person’s “surgery status” does not validate their gender identity and is nobody’s business.
How do you really know you’re transgender?
How do you really know what your gender is? Is it only because someone told you from birth or is it an innate sense of belonging? If you magically woke up with different genitals would you blindly change gender or try to correct your body? The same is true for transgender people.
How do you have sex?
This is not an appropriate question to ask a cisgender person, so it is not appropriate to ask a transgender person either. Regardless of what you may or may not know about their genital status, unless you’re in a sexual relationship with that person, it’s none of your business.
Aren’t you really just gay?
Sexual orientation and gender expression are not linked together. If a transgender person identifies as a woman and dates men, she dates heterosexual men. If a transgender person identifies as a man and dates men, he dates homosexual men. Ignore the fact that this person is transgender and you can answer your own question.
Are you a man or a woman?
If a transgender person has shared their personal history with you, you should already know how they identify. If you’re still not sure, use their gender expression and other cues. As a last resort, politely ask what gender pronoun they would prefer. Anything else, such as birth sex, is none of your business.
I really do think of you as a man/woman.
Is this something you would say to your cisgender friends? Of course not! While you may think you’re being encouraging, you’re actually “othering” the transgender person and saying their gender expression is less genuine.
You pass so well, you look just like a real man/woman!
Many transgender people consider “passing” to be offensive because it implies their gender expression is somehow deceitful. The reason why they “look like” their gender is because they are that gender. While you may think you’re being supportive you’re actually claiming their gender expression is “almost” as good as a cisgender person’s.
Is (insert secondary-sex characteristic here) real?
Asking a trans woman if her breasts are real is extremely offensive. Asking a trans man if his goatee is real is also extremely offensive. Would you be asking this question if you didn’t know they were transgender? Of course not! So don’t ask.
I should’ve known, I noticed (insert body flaw here)!
Listing off a transgender person’s body characteristics or flaws after they share their history with you is extremely hurtful. Everyone is self-conscious of their body to some degree and everyone has characteristics of both genders they may be uncomfortable about. Be respectful and think before you speak.
I’ve seen (insert movie or TV show here), so I know all about you.
You wouldn’t claim to know all about being a Native American after seeing Pocahontas, so don’t do the same to transgender people. While there are some respectful and informative shows out there, many are offensive and contain stereotypes or myths. Watching TV is no substitute for actual experience.
My (insert acquaintance here) is gay, so I totally understand.
Being gay and being transgender are completely different things. Being gay has to do with a person’s sexual orientation. Being transgender has to do with a person’s gender identity. Transgender people can be any sexual orientation just like cisgender people.
Some final thoughts:
Being friends with a transgender person is no different than being friends with a cisgender person. If you’re curious about a particular aspect of transition or transgender people, try to do some research on your own rather than assuming a transgender person has all the answers. Above all, be respectful, think before you speak and treat them the same way you would want to be treated.