I've come to talk with you again.

[geanius]

Last night, Troy found out one of his best friends shot and killed himself.

I'm thinking of all the people I love that I've not talked to for a long time. Friends I thought I'd be close to forever, friends that don't know how much I love them even if we have nothing to talk about anymore.

I'm thinking about how these things happen in threes, how just last week Jamie's ex and good friend was killed in a car accident. I'm thinking how it seems to be getting closer to me. Nobody in my life is expendable. I called my brother; Vincent was Holly's brother. I don't know Holly well at all, but he was her brother. For years, I was afraid my brother was too lonely and hurt by the people who loved him; I was always afraid he would...
I called my mom; later, my dad. I just want everyone to know I love them.

I'm thinking about how selfish it is of me, taking the death of someone I didn't know and turning it into my burden.

I'm thinking about how fragile I think Troy is, how much comfort he needs, how he's never had someone he loves die. He's trying so hard to remember Vincent, reads old journal entries to get back memories. He's going through old conversations, he's blaming himself for not talking to him in such a long time. I tell Troy there's nothing he could have done, no way to predict the patterns of when to draw him out of his pain; you're a loving man who would have done everything if you had known.

I'm thinking how it wasn't long ago that death didn't affect me; the only reason I cried over my grandfather was because I saw of photo of him and my brother, when my brother was young, innocent, unbroken. The idea of a family member dying didn't have any affect on me. Now even the deaths of people who never existed can make me morose for days.

I'm thinking of you.