Life always seems to suck when I update this site
Yeah so I am now going to dedicate this site to my inner darkness. The reason for this is because nobody I know ever reads this, so me being the type of person I am feel inclined to share my thoughts with no one and yet confess my self-destructive thoughts, events and desires to someone, be it the electrons of the universe. So here is goes:
Well today I went to work again, I really hate it because I am in a class with a bunch of rejected idiots who are just plain dumb and stupid when it comes to common sense. After this I got off work around 10 o'clock earlier tonight. So I finally called my girlfriend and we talked for a little bit and both decided it would be better in our current situation that we would just be friends and nothing more. As much as I wanted to say, " Screw that" I realize that it is the best thing either of us can do. I really feel like SHIT. Well it seems earlier when I told her that I loved her a couple weeks ago that it kinda bothered her for some reason, I had said it earlier before and she had said and meant it back, but then our "just friends/dating" thing went on hiatus when she left to stay in Ohio for a few months and we both said at that time the relationship should be strictly friends and nothing more. Well when she came back we kinda resumed where we left off and started hanging around each other a lot. Well apparently this time when I said I loved her ,it kinda freaked her out, which is ok with me that she had said something, cause I especially did not want things to be weird between the two of us and I didnt want to rush her into anything that made her uncomfortable. I was just really ticked off cause right before I had said I love you to her she pranked called me. Basically the prank was that her and all her friends were drunk and driving around in the car, well im VERY gullible and so I started freaking out cause that was the most scared I have ever been in my entire life. This prank really showed me how much I do actually love her and care about her. I was scared SHITLESS. Well we talked a little after that but not much. So I finally gathered my nerve to talk to her about this subject of us, the fact that I actually did it and didnt let things just go by itself says a lot people, even though it took nearly a week to get around to doing it. I realized just how much I keep my feelings to myself and how much I block others out. And the thing is, with her I could speak about almost anything I wanted and feel comfortable. So basically my life is on hold right now because she was the one thing worth living for. And now Im left with basically nothing.
She was the reason I was looking to my future, the reason why I planned to graduate Uof I a year early, the reason why I wake up everyday to go to work, to offer her a financially stable future, the reason why I wanted to better myself and stop my own inner pain and self-destructive tendencies. The reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Now that is GONE, all, completely finished. A beautiful symphony crashing from the heavens into a cacophonous abyss. Something pure and all my own
Well now that this is over I will try to work on my own faults and shortcomings. Recently my parents have finally noticed all of the burn marks on my skin. My old ones had always been hidden by my long pairs of jeans that I'd wear all year round. I havent worn shorts in two years. Well any ways I still have no explanation as to why I do it by I am fascinated by fire burns. So when I was at my cousins I took her incense sticks and would sear my skin in dotted lines down my forearm. Well I forgot that I didnt have any long sleeve shirts but I kinda hid them cause they were on the inside of my arm. Well they didnt see them at all so I was good. Well a week later I started burning my skin with a heated fork cause it kinda cuts and sears at the same time. This time my parents found this and so they pulled of an inquisition and my mother threatened to kick me outta the house. Well I basically told her to screw off and just left. Oh and I found out that my parents separation is finally official now to it had taken them long enough.
Well I came home from work one night, of course to my parents fighting with one another. Seems no matter how many times they part ways they always come back together fighting. Well I just walked in and then walked back out. So I drove around for a little while but not very far since I didnt have a lot of gas, so I eventually parked at WalMart and chilled around there. When I left there I had the scariest feeling ever. I wanted to kill myself, I started my car and got it up to 80 aiming it straight into a concrete wall but stopped just shor. I just felt compelled to ram my car into that wall. This really scared me cause I had tried to kill myself a few years ago by taking any pills I could get my hands on. Luckily, I had also drank large amounts of alcohol that nite so I basically threw everything up and was fine for the most part. I know my liver and kidneys are probably really fucked up though. Well so far my parents know nothing about these two events, and Im pretty content about that fact. I have only ever told one person about that night I took all those pills and I am still surprised that I had even said anything about it in the first place. But he is a really good friend who has helped both me and Brit out on a number of occasions and I am glad that he is there.
Well here has been my soliloquy about my sucky life so far
I'll sign off with a gamer tag I use semi- frequently, and one that I think is quite befitting this current occasion.
~Noir
Well today I went to work again, I really hate it because I am in a class with a bunch of rejected idiots who are just plain dumb and stupid when it comes to common sense. After this I got off work around 10 o'clock earlier tonight. So I finally called my girlfriend and we talked for a little bit and both decided it would be better in our current situation that we would just be friends and nothing more. As much as I wanted to say, " Screw that" I realize that it is the best thing either of us can do. I really feel like SHIT. Well it seems earlier when I told her that I loved her a couple weeks ago that it kinda bothered her for some reason, I had said it earlier before and she had said and meant it back, but then our "just friends/dating" thing went on hiatus when she left to stay in Ohio for a few months and we both said at that time the relationship should be strictly friends and nothing more. Well when she came back we kinda resumed where we left off and started hanging around each other a lot. Well apparently this time when I said I loved her ,it kinda freaked her out, which is ok with me that she had said something, cause I especially did not want things to be weird between the two of us and I didnt want to rush her into anything that made her uncomfortable. I was just really ticked off cause right before I had said I love you to her she pranked called me. Basically the prank was that her and all her friends were drunk and driving around in the car, well im VERY gullible and so I started freaking out cause that was the most scared I have ever been in my entire life. This prank really showed me how much I do actually love her and care about her. I was scared SHITLESS. Well we talked a little after that but not much. So I finally gathered my nerve to talk to her about this subject of us, the fact that I actually did it and didnt let things just go by itself says a lot people, even though it took nearly a week to get around to doing it. I realized just how much I keep my feelings to myself and how much I block others out. And the thing is, with her I could speak about almost anything I wanted and feel comfortable. So basically my life is on hold right now because she was the one thing worth living for. And now Im left with basically nothing.
She was the reason I was looking to my future, the reason why I planned to graduate Uof I a year early, the reason why I wake up everyday to go to work, to offer her a financially stable future, the reason why I wanted to better myself and stop my own inner pain and self-destructive tendencies. The reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Now that is GONE, all, completely finished. A beautiful symphony crashing from the heavens into a cacophonous abyss. Something pure and all my own
Well now that this is over I will try to work on my own faults and shortcomings. Recently my parents have finally noticed all of the burn marks on my skin. My old ones had always been hidden by my long pairs of jeans that I'd wear all year round. I havent worn shorts in two years. Well any ways I still have no explanation as to why I do it by I am fascinated by fire burns. So when I was at my cousins I took her incense sticks and would sear my skin in dotted lines down my forearm. Well I forgot that I didnt have any long sleeve shirts but I kinda hid them cause they were on the inside of my arm. Well they didnt see them at all so I was good. Well a week later I started burning my skin with a heated fork cause it kinda cuts and sears at the same time. This time my parents found this and so they pulled of an inquisition and my mother threatened to kick me outta the house. Well I basically told her to screw off and just left. Oh and I found out that my parents separation is finally official now to it had taken them long enough.
Well I came home from work one night, of course to my parents fighting with one another. Seems no matter how many times they part ways they always come back together fighting. Well I just walked in and then walked back out. So I drove around for a little while but not very far since I didnt have a lot of gas, so I eventually parked at WalMart and chilled around there. When I left there I had the scariest feeling ever. I wanted to kill myself, I started my car and got it up to 80 aiming it straight into a concrete wall but stopped just shor. I just felt compelled to ram my car into that wall. This really scared me cause I had tried to kill myself a few years ago by taking any pills I could get my hands on. Luckily, I had also drank large amounts of alcohol that nite so I basically threw everything up and was fine for the most part. I know my liver and kidneys are probably really fucked up though. Well so far my parents know nothing about these two events, and Im pretty content about that fact. I have only ever told one person about that night I took all those pills and I am still surprised that I had even said anything about it in the first place. But he is a really good friend who has helped both me and Brit out on a number of occasions and I am glad that he is there.
Well here has been my soliloquy about my sucky life so far
I'll sign off with a gamer tag I use semi- frequently, and one that I think is quite befitting this current occasion.
~Noir