Slow Burn, Chapter 14
Rating: Overall: R / This chapter: PG (a bit of language, adult themes)
Pairing: GTOP
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em. Keep rubbing my nose in it, why don't ya?
Description: Jiyong has always found Seunghyun attractive. It's never been a problem... until now. A year in the lives of G-Dragon & TOP, beginning in October 2010. In this chapter: Seungri and Jiyong have a chat and half of a sandwich, and somebody(s) get(s) a surprise...
Jiyong ate his sandwich in silence, glancing up from his plate now and again to find the maknae staring at him with a rueful expression on his face. Neither of them had said a word since Seungri had started preparing the leader's lunch, and Jiyong wasn't sure what to say to break the ice that had frozen over the top of the otherwise placid lake of quietude on which they had been floating. It was a step up from hating each other, which they had (well, Jiyong had) done for the last two weeks. 10 minutes was his breaking point, though. It was creepy for Seungri to go 10 minutes without speaking, and it was wearing on the nerves that Jiyong's brief but incredibly stressful encounter with Seunghyun had already frayed.
"Okay, spit it out. I see you looking at me. If you have something to say, then say it," Jiyong stated, trying to keep his voice calm and level. He put the other half of his sandwich down and crossed his arms over his chest, waiting for Seungri to say something. Anything.
"I... don't know what you're talking about."
If he hadn't been upset with him for the last two weeks, Jiyong would have leapt from his chair to tickle, or prod, or generally torment the maknae into spilling his guts. As it was, he just narrowed his eyes at the younger man and pursed his lips. He was in no mood for games; hadn't been in some time. Regardless of how much he wanted to reconcile with him, to get everything back to normal, Jiyong couldn't handle Seungri playing stupid.
"Cut the shit, maknae. You've been hanging all over Seunghyun-hyung, and you've hardly said anything to me since you... since you saw us together. Now you're making me lunch and staring at me like you want to say something, so say it."
"I have not been hanging all over Seunghyun-hyung," he huffed, rolling his eyes.
"That's what you got out of what I just said to you?" Jiyong asked, incredulous.
"Well it's… It's the only part that wasn't true."
"And God knows how much you value truth."
For that, Jiyong received a withering glare.
"You want to know the truth, Jiyong-hyung? The truth is that Seunghyun-hyung was a mess after you broke up with him; he still is, but at least now he doesn't cry or shut down every time your name is mentioned. I know that was… It was kind of my fault. I didn't know how to react to what I saw that day, and I'm sorry for the way I acted, but you're in the wrong here, too. At least I tried to let TOP-hyung know he wasn't alone, but you just - you were cruel to him. You're still being cruel to him, and I kind of don't like you very much right now."
Jiyong gaped. He blinked a few times, trying to gather his thoughts, but they were all swirling about his brain like a flock of frightened birds. The maknae was mad at him? For what? Ensuring the continued existence of Big Bang in the only way he'd known how? For saving him from ever witnessing something like the shower incident ever again? For sparing Seunghyun from worse pain when they inevitably had to break up further down the line, when both of them were so entwined as to not even be separate people anymore?
"I had to do it, Seungri-yah. Like you said, what if Daesung had found us? Or Youngbae-hyung? If I hadn't made a clean break, we'd probably still be sneaking around behind everyone's backs."
"That's what you call a clean break?! Seunghyun is still in love with you, hyung."
"Seunghyun-hyung," Jiyong corrected. Seungri rolled his eyes again.
"Whatever. I talked to Youngbae-hyung about it-"
"-You did what?!"
"- and he said that I should tell you that I'm sorry, and that I support you guys. Being together, I mean. And I’m not stupid, you know. He doesn’t know I was talking about you and TOP-hyung."
Jiyong was silent then. He stared at his hands, unsure where this conversation was going.
"I wanted to talk to both of you about this, but since you can't give hyung the time of day, I'm going to say what I should have said in the first place. Look, I- I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for the way I acted when... well, you know. I just didn't know what to do, and I was shocked, hyung! I'm sorry, but it really freaked me out, walking in on two of my best friends doing... that."
The blond licked his lips and picked at his nails. "You suck at apologizing, maknae." He smiled, just a tight-lipped grin, but it belied the seriousness in his tone. His eyes sought his friend’s, and when they met, Jiyong's crinkled.
"Anyway, I'm sorry that I was such a jerk, and I want you to know that I'm okay with it; with you and Seunghyun-hyung. He loves you, you know? Like, really loves you. I know you love him too-”
"Seungri," Jiyong warned.
"Just hear me out, hyung. This talk, saying all of this, it wasn't my idea; it was Youngbae-hyung's. So even if you don't trust me to do the right thing, trust him."
Jiyong frowned at that, abashed. "Of course I trust you, Seungri-yah."
"Good. I'm glad. So trust me when I say that you and hyung being apart isn’t making anything better, it's just making everything worse. You're both miserable, and you're dragging the rest of us down with you. Can’t you stop this, please? Just go make up with him already so you can deal with his freaking icicle toes."
His attempted joke fell flat, and Jiyong shook his head in disagreement.
"That's not how it works. I can't just drive over to his apartment and expect him to take me back-"
"-He would, though."
"-and what about the others? What about Yang? The fans? Maybe you're fine with me and Seunghyun being together, but they won't be."
"How do you know? Have you asked? I mean, you haven't said anything to anyone. No one but me even realizes that you and hyung were together in the first place!"
"And that's how it's going to stay, Seungri!"
"But I support you, hyung! I want you to be happy, both of you, and you haven't been happy since you broke up."
"Enough, maknae," Jiyong sighed, sounding and feeling much older than his 22 years.
He put his hand out in a ‘stop’ motion, and ran the other through his hair. The conversation had devolved into both of them hissing their frustration at each other; pissed off at the other’s lack of understanding, but not enough to scream lest they draw the unwanted attention of Daesung or Youngbae. He realized Seungri was trying to apologize, attempting to rectify the situation he had unwittingly caused, but Jiyong knew things weren’t that simple. He could see Youngbae and Daesung’s disappointed faces in his mind’s eye, the stony countenance Yang affected when he was angry, and the fans… they would burn him and Seunghyun in effigy once they stopped crying, he was sure of it. Nevermind that the ‘GTOP couple’ (or ‘TOPnYong’, or whatever the hell else they called them) was the most popular amongst the fans; if they found out their oppas were an actual couple, Big Bang might as well kiss their careers goodbye.
“There are so many things I have to think about, too many factors at play, and too many people’s well-being I have to consider before I think about my own. TOP-hyung, he’ll… he’ll be alright. It was only a few months-”
“-Hyung, just stop. I don’t know what I can say to make you realize what an idiot you’re being, but you are, and I’m not going to apologize for that. Go talk to Youngbae-hyung. Talk to Daesung-hyung. Get out of your own head, because for once it’s not doing you any favors.”
Seungri stood and walked out of the kitchen, only stopping in the doorway to turn around and look at Jiyong like he was a puppy who’d just piddled on the floor.
“I’m going to hyung’s place, and I’m going to tell him exactly what I told you, so… so don’t be surprised if he tries to win you back, okay?”
With that he was gone, leaving Jiyong staring at his half-eaten sandwich. He tried not to feel the way his heart had leapt and pounded at Seungri’s parting comment, but it was pointless. God, but he was torn. Should he follow his own heart, and do what the maknae had said? Would Seunghyun really take him back? Would it matter if he took him back if Youngbae and Daesung looked at them like Seungri had when he’d walked in on them in the shower? Even if those two gave their blessing, there was no way Yang would approve.
“Fuck my entire life,” he moaned, and put his face into the other half of his sandwich.
In the next room, Youngbae was leaned up against the wall with his head between his knees, desperately trying not to throw up, or cry, or both. It wasn’t so much the fact that two of his bandmates were, or had been, in an intimate relationship that was causing him such distress; what bothered him most about what he’d just overheard (not entirely accidentally -he had to blame himself for eavesdropping) was that Jiyong, one of his best friends, hadn’t trusted him enough to be honest with him. He’d been lying to him, to them all, for months.
This wasn’t like the time Youngbae had found Jiyong’s secret stash of Japanese porn in his closet and he’d sworn he was ‘holding it for a friend’. While it had initially shocked him, Youngbae hadn’t teased his leader about it, because they were 5 guys living alone, and they all jerked off. That had been surprising, yes, but unimportant, and Youngbae hadn’t been upset that Jiyong hadn’t told him about that. This was something huge, and life-changing, and Jiyong had kept him in the dark and played him like a fool.
“But if I tell her it could mean serious trouble for everyone, Bae. I mean everyone. You have no idea…”
Their first conversation about Jiyong’s ‘mystery woman’ replayed in his head, and this time he replaced each ‘she’ with a ‘he’, and substituted Seunghyun’s face for who he’d imagine had been a cute, sweet girl. And, oh God, he’d given Jiyong advice on how to tell Seunghyun he was in love with him! How that was even possible didn’t really register. This was Jiyong: he’d seen him with enough girls to know (or think he knew) the man was straight as an arrow. He hadn’t seen Seunghyun with many (any?) girls over the years, but if that was the standard by which he was measuring sexuality, then Youngbae himself was the queerest of them all. He shook his head to clear it, but it didn’t do much good.
Jiyong was right, though. Their relationship could cause trouble. He’d obviously tried to nip it in the bud after Seungri had walked in on them… doing what, he couldn’t say, and he didn’t want to know. Although, it seemed like breaking up with their hyung had just caused more problems. He’d noticed that Jiyong and Seunghyun hadn’t spoken to one another in weeks unless they’d basically been forced to interact for the concerts.
Seunghyun had been visibly upset the first few days, unable to smile unless someone told him to, and whenever Youngbae or Daesung had asked him what was wrong, he’d just shrugged his shoulders and said “I’m fine”. Seungri had stepped in somewhere along the line, and after that TOP had begun to perk up a bit. Jiyong, on the other hand, had gotten progressively more pissed-off as the tour had continued. Then he’d disappeared the final night, and had slept on Youngbae’s shoulder the whole flight back to Korea, smelling faintly of aftershave, vomit, and McDonald’s. That’s when the dancer had insisted they talk about what was going on between him and Seunghyun-hyung, but if he’d known…
And now that he thought about it, there had been signs. Like TOP spending the night with Jiyong once a week or more; they’d sleep in late whenever they could, and always emerged from the leader’s bedroom with huge, shit-eating grins on their faces. He’d wondered about that, but not really, because the fact that they might be having sex -or whatever two men did with each other behind closed doors- never crossed Youngbae’s naïve mind.
He hadn’t had but a moment to process these thoughts when Jiyong walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. The younger man stopped dead in his tracks when he saw how close Youngbae was in proximity to the kitchen. The older observed the white-socked feet in his periphery, and when he looked up, he watched all of the color leave Jiyong’s already pale face. The blond’s Adam’s apple bobbed up and down a few times before he successfully found his voice.
“Hyung?”
And Youngbae knew exactly what was going through his mind, because the same disbelief, the same thoughts of please let this be a bad dream were floating through his own. He felt the muscles in his face pull his mouth into a frown, draw his eyebrows together, and he shook his head.
“I shouldn’t have found out this way. You should have told me. I wish you would have told me.”
Jiyong sucked in a breath. His knees wobbled, and the hands that had come to clench at the hem of his t-shirt started to shake.
“How much did you hear?” he asked, but it came out as hardly more than a whisper.
Youngbae looked him in the eye, saw his irises dilate in fear. “Everything.”
The blond’s knees gave out then, and he sank to the floor. In that moment, seeing how terrified his friend was of him, of his reaction, or maybe just the realization that someone else knew, Youngbae made a decision. He pushed himself off the wall and pulled Jiyong to his feet by his arm, though not unkindly.
“You and me, we’re following Seungri to Seunghyun-hyung’s place.”
Jiyong shook his head vehemently, clearly distressed now, agitated. “No, I can’t! We can’t! You weren’t supposed to find out. No one was supposed to find out! Oh Jesus, what have I done?”
Youngbae shook his arm to get him to snap out of the hysterics he was quickly devolving into. This was no time to break down, it was time to get some things cleared up. Time to set some things straight.
“Jiyong, we’re going. You need to talk to hyung. We all need to figure out what the hell is going on here. Look at me,” he coaxed when the younger man continued to shake his head. Jiyong did look at him, though, and Youngbae squeezed his shoulder. “I’m not… I’m not mad, okay? I’m upset you didn’t tell me, but we can’t change the past, right?”
Jiyong looked back down at his feet and shrugged his shoulders.
“Right. So we’re gonna go over to TOP-hyung’s place, and you two are going to sit down and talk. We’re all going to talk. You can’t keep hiding this, not from your friends, Ji.”
The other looked up, red-faced. “I’ve been such a shit friend, hyung. I’m sorry.”
Youngbae squeezed his shoulder again and gave him a small, reassuring smile. “Maybe, but you’re still my friend. Now… are you gonna call Dae, or am I?”