Life isn't glamorous.
Week 2.
No lies here, this isn't what I expected it to be. I love my apartment. I love my bed. I love my shower, my food, my clothes, the windows letting in light. I love my comfy pillow. I love the TV and my computer. Brunswick is a nice town, I'll learn to love it as well. I love my roommate, mostly because I'm in love with him. I love my new kitten, Alice because shes fucking adorable, but for some reason I'm not loving something. I don't get it, I really don't. I want to be happy, I left Auburn because I thought, no... I knew that Aki would make me happy no matter where we were... and I was starting to get there, but going home this weekend to celebrate my birthday really just threw me back to ground zero.
I left it all. I left all my friends. I left my job. I left my comfort zone, my circle of safety, I left my home and my family and my dog and the life I knew for almost nineteen years. It had gotten to the point where I never saw myself leaving home, but I finally did... and you'd think I'd be crying with joy, but instead I'm crying for no apparent reason.
I don't understand me, I should be ecstatic. I know its not Aki or the apartment of my new job. I just really need a strong support system right now... I'm weak and I'm not gonna pretend I'm some tough ass son of a bitch ready to just... take it and move on. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and I feel more alone than I ever have before.
I just want to be told it'll be ok, and then comforted because despite agreeing... I still can't hold back the tears... I can't forget about the recent past... I can't stop but notice I'm alone in almost every sense of the word... and I can't move on.
til next time
G
No lies here, this isn't what I expected it to be. I love my apartment. I love my bed. I love my shower, my food, my clothes, the windows letting in light. I love my comfy pillow. I love the TV and my computer. Brunswick is a nice town, I'll learn to love it as well. I love my roommate, mostly because I'm in love with him. I love my new kitten, Alice because shes fucking adorable, but for some reason I'm not loving something. I don't get it, I really don't. I want to be happy, I left Auburn because I thought, no... I knew that Aki would make me happy no matter where we were... and I was starting to get there, but going home this weekend to celebrate my birthday really just threw me back to ground zero.
I left it all. I left all my friends. I left my job. I left my comfort zone, my circle of safety, I left my home and my family and my dog and the life I knew for almost nineteen years. It had gotten to the point where I never saw myself leaving home, but I finally did... and you'd think I'd be crying with joy, but instead I'm crying for no apparent reason.
I don't understand me, I should be ecstatic. I know its not Aki or the apartment of my new job. I just really need a strong support system right now... I'm weak and I'm not gonna pretend I'm some tough ass son of a bitch ready to just... take it and move on. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and I feel more alone than I ever have before.
I just want to be told it'll be ok, and then comforted because despite agreeing... I still can't hold back the tears... I can't forget about the recent past... I can't stop but notice I'm alone in almost every sense of the word... and I can't move on.
til next time
G