"And all my answers were either Kristine, or I don't know" ~hannah
okay so screw the whole friends only thing... i really don't care who reads this ya know? idk so yea haven't updated in the longest time bc idk i didn't feel like it, too busy thinking, and thinking yea prolly not my strong point.. so i was thinking about this year, the past three years, even just the beginning of this year I've changed so much it's insane, like if you went back to my first lj entry it's crazy happy and not that i'm not happy ish now it's just that was like a different energy something i've lost or maybe gained more of? i have no idea.. so i was trying to think of a way to describe this year and in the 2 seconds devon got to start signing my yearbook her first line was "This year has been so.... emotional" and I think this completely describes the year, so here is my entry.. and i will try to be as honest and as personal as i can ya know catch everyone up to date, i'm not a very public person but i'm going to try, it's going to be a really long entry, warning you now.. but if it matters to you read it, if not stop now...
So I came into this year thinking it was going to be the best year, sure i was missing my best friend since hannah was going to EHHS but i'm like okay i can deal, there's still the phone, but i was like okay this year is prom and i'm going to do so much stuff this year, this is my year to make things right, to not f up my grades, and to make something of myself. 1st quarter dragged on forEVER.. by the time that quarter was over i was basically sure the year had to be over soon.. so much stuff happened on and off fights with nici with nicole trying to fix stuff, and even tho she went into them with the best intentions nothing can fix a friendship like the persons who the fight involves that's one thing i've learned, i think even first quarter involved sam's first go away, that was a wicked stressful time, we didn't know what to expect, when she'd be back, everywhere i went i'd be like i have to tell sam this only to realize i couldn't. drama drama drama drama that's all this year spelled out, and i let myself get wrapped in it completely, trying to be a good friend i fell, it's like falling in a mosh pit, you get hit even as you're trying to get up, and sometimes... you fall back down again. so still on and off fighting with me and nici until we stopped talking, and that went on for 5 months.... my grades still sucked, first quarter had always been my time to shine and this year, it wasn't any good news... i got closer to a lot of people this year, devon, sarah, loren, whitney, tracy, jenny, countless others...... then sam left for portland and i was on time for all my classes, weird huh? and now both of my really close friends weren't at GHS, but i talked a lot more to devon, so i mean you lose stuff but you gain stuff to ya know? everyday of the year it was harder to keep my "mask" on, i had a harder time pretending i was happy, i wanted to be like bouncy and what not, but all i could stop myself from was crying at least at school... but i managed to stay stable, until one day my brother said something and i snapped, after months of not using my rubberband i reverted back, i couldn't help it anymore, nothing made sense, and then one day a friday, had been really stressful, but no one found out about me, because as you may remember bigger news struck, so once again i tried to erase my problems because i felt that whole "I've got to be strong" thing coming on and so i went to see her, one of the hardest things i think i've done because it didn't really hit me, like i had those feelings before but i knew i wouldn't go through with them and she got so close, so i came back feeling closer to her since i had gotten to visit her. but like i'm sure she thinks that the reason we're not friends anymore is because of the dating situation but that's stupid, im not like that, it's because when she came back i don't know i seemed distant from her like things were different, she told me i'm okay and i'm not going down again, and that made me really happy because all the stress had been getting to me too. so i must have looked upset all week or something that's what i've been told.. either way, i landed in guidance, and questions were asked i lied to get myself thru them. then i told her (not my conselor) a secret because i still trusted her, and within 10 minutes the trust had been broken, only i didn'tk now that because i was at guidance telling my guidance conselor that i had slightly lied but then she sent me back to class, i went to the caf, and then came back to look for her and my guidance conselor was like did you hear your name? i was really confused, she said i need to talk to you, i'm like okay... and she said its been going around through the grapevine that you've been cutting.. i think i went into shock, but not really because too many emotions where going through my head, all at once.. i have a lot of trust issues and this just made it worse, ppl said she was trying to help but i felt betrayed, like it was okay for her to lie but not for me, i had lost control. this happened the friday before my birthday, then that saturday night, i knew i had to tell my mom but i couldn't and at that moment i was ready to do anything, so i didn't have to tell, i couldnt deal with telling i just wanted to i have no idea, but i credit tracy as being the awesome person who gave me that courage to somehow stay, so i told my mom, and that's worked out things between us slightly, but telling guidance didn't help me, i think it made things worse because now i feel this like overwhelming feeling that i have to get help, and i think i'm doing better, i have my low points, but what teenager doesn't ya know? i stopped being friends with "her" because i felt that we just weren't as close anymore and when i needed her it felt like she didn't want to help, that i was just this person she had to deal with, and so.. i didn't want to deal with it anymore.. this year has been a record year for many things, prom, driving with my friends finally, going to awesome concerts that i'm not embarassed to talk about like my first one, but good does not come without the negative, fights with friends with family, i don't think i've ever fought with my family so much it's just they don't understand anything that's going on with me, and frankly i don't think they could deal with it, my mom could barely and i didn't tell her everything, no one knows everything about me, no journal, not hannah, no one.. this is the closest on lj that you will ever read to how i truly feel... and to the "her" that i felt the need to put in "" not because i don't think she won't know who she is only because idk, its like i don't want to disrespect her.. it's a really confusing thought that i have yet to figure out. so to that person if you thought i was mad at you for a different reasons now you have the truth... to anyone who's ever been there for me i love you all to death, and i don't know what i'm going to do when i leave next year, i will miss you all so much. So I didn't say much, but yet i feel like i've said enough.. there's more and it's the little things that made my year, not all the big things that i've listed, yes those have shaped me, but there are smaller moments that will stay with me for so much longer and are just as important if not more. so if you read that whole entry, congrats, if you didn't, lol i don't blame you i'd have trouble reading it all too.
~Kristine~
So I came into this year thinking it was going to be the best year, sure i was missing my best friend since hannah was going to EHHS but i'm like okay i can deal, there's still the phone, but i was like okay this year is prom and i'm going to do so much stuff this year, this is my year to make things right, to not f up my grades, and to make something of myself. 1st quarter dragged on forEVER.. by the time that quarter was over i was basically sure the year had to be over soon.. so much stuff happened on and off fights with nici with nicole trying to fix stuff, and even tho she went into them with the best intentions nothing can fix a friendship like the persons who the fight involves that's one thing i've learned, i think even first quarter involved sam's first go away, that was a wicked stressful time, we didn't know what to expect, when she'd be back, everywhere i went i'd be like i have to tell sam this only to realize i couldn't. drama drama drama drama that's all this year spelled out, and i let myself get wrapped in it completely, trying to be a good friend i fell, it's like falling in a mosh pit, you get hit even as you're trying to get up, and sometimes... you fall back down again. so still on and off fighting with me and nici until we stopped talking, and that went on for 5 months.... my grades still sucked, first quarter had always been my time to shine and this year, it wasn't any good news... i got closer to a lot of people this year, devon, sarah, loren, whitney, tracy, jenny, countless others...... then sam left for portland and i was on time for all my classes, weird huh? and now both of my really close friends weren't at GHS, but i talked a lot more to devon, so i mean you lose stuff but you gain stuff to ya know? everyday of the year it was harder to keep my "mask" on, i had a harder time pretending i was happy, i wanted to be like bouncy and what not, but all i could stop myself from was crying at least at school... but i managed to stay stable, until one day my brother said something and i snapped, after months of not using my rubberband i reverted back, i couldn't help it anymore, nothing made sense, and then one day a friday, had been really stressful, but no one found out about me, because as you may remember bigger news struck, so once again i tried to erase my problems because i felt that whole "I've got to be strong" thing coming on and so i went to see her, one of the hardest things i think i've done because it didn't really hit me, like i had those feelings before but i knew i wouldn't go through with them and she got so close, so i came back feeling closer to her since i had gotten to visit her. but like i'm sure she thinks that the reason we're not friends anymore is because of the dating situation but that's stupid, im not like that, it's because when she came back i don't know i seemed distant from her like things were different, she told me i'm okay and i'm not going down again, and that made me really happy because all the stress had been getting to me too. so i must have looked upset all week or something that's what i've been told.. either way, i landed in guidance, and questions were asked i lied to get myself thru them. then i told her (not my conselor) a secret because i still trusted her, and within 10 minutes the trust had been broken, only i didn'tk now that because i was at guidance telling my guidance conselor that i had slightly lied but then she sent me back to class, i went to the caf, and then came back to look for her and my guidance conselor was like did you hear your name? i was really confused, she said i need to talk to you, i'm like okay... and she said its been going around through the grapevine that you've been cutting.. i think i went into shock, but not really because too many emotions where going through my head, all at once.. i have a lot of trust issues and this just made it worse, ppl said she was trying to help but i felt betrayed, like it was okay for her to lie but not for me, i had lost control. this happened the friday before my birthday, then that saturday night, i knew i had to tell my mom but i couldn't and at that moment i was ready to do anything, so i didn't have to tell, i couldnt deal with telling i just wanted to i have no idea, but i credit tracy as being the awesome person who gave me that courage to somehow stay, so i told my mom, and that's worked out things between us slightly, but telling guidance didn't help me, i think it made things worse because now i feel this like overwhelming feeling that i have to get help, and i think i'm doing better, i have my low points, but what teenager doesn't ya know? i stopped being friends with "her" because i felt that we just weren't as close anymore and when i needed her it felt like she didn't want to help, that i was just this person she had to deal with, and so.. i didn't want to deal with it anymore.. this year has been a record year for many things, prom, driving with my friends finally, going to awesome concerts that i'm not embarassed to talk about like my first one, but good does not come without the negative, fights with friends with family, i don't think i've ever fought with my family so much it's just they don't understand anything that's going on with me, and frankly i don't think they could deal with it, my mom could barely and i didn't tell her everything, no one knows everything about me, no journal, not hannah, no one.. this is the closest on lj that you will ever read to how i truly feel... and to the "her" that i felt the need to put in "" not because i don't think she won't know who she is only because idk, its like i don't want to disrespect her.. it's a really confusing thought that i have yet to figure out. so to that person if you thought i was mad at you for a different reasons now you have the truth... to anyone who's ever been there for me i love you all to death, and i don't know what i'm going to do when i leave next year, i will miss you all so much. So I didn't say much, but yet i feel like i've said enough.. there's more and it's the little things that made my year, not all the big things that i've listed, yes those have shaped me, but there are smaller moments that will stay with me for so much longer and are just as important if not more. so if you read that whole entry, congrats, if you didn't, lol i don't blame you i'd have trouble reading it all too.
~Kristine~