Regrets
I started writing this...At about 12:17 am on Monday night. funny story... my dad saw me with my light on, and asked my why the next morning...i lied a bit.
So anywho, I'll likely just edit it as i rewrite it out, I wasn't necessarily going to post it, but i think its relevant and i actually want it read...mind you, it might not connect too well since i was tired and its thoughts...
So yes...Here goes.
My mind has gone pensive and sort of sad tonight as it has for the past while. Yesterday, talking on the phone helped, and forgetting myself for a while while I spoke to Sheldon. He really does make me happy. A genuine nice person to everyone though he can be a bit much some times. I guess tonight it's been provoked by Chuck's diary and finally finding Michelle's. I worry about that girl. I want to, like, be mother-y and make all the bad go away. I want her to be like Lillian- be a safe hug when I'm sad.
Chuck is right. Caring is an odd question. i'm afraid of it becuase I know it will hurt, or it already does. It's tiems like those I deny it. Pretend to be ignorant, blissful with a happy mask for the world. There are very few people who can actually tell when I'm faking. Sometime I don't even want to admit it- and they make me. Mind you, it's a good thing they do. I think that's one thing I hate: running away from the truth. One reason I don't lie very often, and if I do, It's mostly meaningless. Both Lill and Geoff see through. Probably my mom too... Lill and Mom I attribute to just knowing me too well for too long. Geoff-*shrug* Why I always turn to Geoff I think is because he makes me confront myself and see the truth. It's a wonder he can be so blind as to why I always do.
For the first time in a long while, I have regrets. I hve always prided myself on living with no regrets...but I do right now. Highschool itself is resolved...there's no going back there...but...it's the people that aren't resolved. Chandler- who's been ever present for 6 years and who i'll never play my game with again. Robbie- Who know? but I wish i'd known him better. Michelle- seems devastated to lose people and I feel terrible knowing I'm one of them. Rebecca- I always wanted to understand. I always wished she could open up to me. Lesley, Mris, Olena, Gigi, Brett- i'm going to miss their laughter, immaturity and nonsense. And regret seeing them so little. By contrast, Nicole- I will miss her quiet loyalty and her always being there. I hope that you stay in my life, Nicole. Byron- with you maybe I feel no regrets. I'm going to miss you terribly, but our relationship has gone every which way possible, and we're still friends at the end of it. My fair Lillian won't ever leave me...I'll make sure of that, but I regret that this past year wasn't the greatest for us. SHeldon is a large regret because it's only now that i realize his crazy potential to be like Chuck and just blow my mind away. Yep. THat's Chuck for you. Kaboom goes my mind. I wish we hadn't lost touch in the middle, you better not go away. Stu, STeph, Kronick, etc. THere are many people that I wish just knew ME better- just to understand. A little wisdom goes a long way. Jjess, just thanks, you are wonderful. Megan- another Michelle/rebecca kind of regret for not knowing you half as well as I'd like. Same with Kath. Jonny, maybe I have no regrets because what was there just WAS. And I'm terribly grateful to have felt it, though it hurts.
So we come to the end, and of all the people I've known, Geoff has likely caused me the most regrets and a lot of grief. I should just give up. but with him i can't help wondering what if....
So that was my mind. and now i;m done. I'm coming to stalk all of you leaving in the next couple days, Watch out!
And now I'm going for a walk.
So anywho, I'll likely just edit it as i rewrite it out, I wasn't necessarily going to post it, but i think its relevant and i actually want it read...mind you, it might not connect too well since i was tired and its thoughts...
So yes...Here goes.
My mind has gone pensive and sort of sad tonight as it has for the past while. Yesterday, talking on the phone helped, and forgetting myself for a while while I spoke to Sheldon. He really does make me happy. A genuine nice person to everyone though he can be a bit much some times. I guess tonight it's been provoked by Chuck's diary and finally finding Michelle's. I worry about that girl. I want to, like, be mother-y and make all the bad go away. I want her to be like Lillian- be a safe hug when I'm sad.
Chuck is right. Caring is an odd question. i'm afraid of it becuase I know it will hurt, or it already does. It's tiems like those I deny it. Pretend to be ignorant, blissful with a happy mask for the world. There are very few people who can actually tell when I'm faking. Sometime I don't even want to admit it- and they make me. Mind you, it's a good thing they do. I think that's one thing I hate: running away from the truth. One reason I don't lie very often, and if I do, It's mostly meaningless. Both Lill and Geoff see through. Probably my mom too... Lill and Mom I attribute to just knowing me too well for too long. Geoff-*shrug* Why I always turn to Geoff I think is because he makes me confront myself and see the truth. It's a wonder he can be so blind as to why I always do.
For the first time in a long while, I have regrets. I hve always prided myself on living with no regrets...but I do right now. Highschool itself is resolved...there's no going back there...but...it's the people that aren't resolved. Chandler- who's been ever present for 6 years and who i'll never play my game with again. Robbie- Who know? but I wish i'd known him better. Michelle- seems devastated to lose people and I feel terrible knowing I'm one of them. Rebecca- I always wanted to understand. I always wished she could open up to me. Lesley, Mris, Olena, Gigi, Brett- i'm going to miss their laughter, immaturity and nonsense. And regret seeing them so little. By contrast, Nicole- I will miss her quiet loyalty and her always being there. I hope that you stay in my life, Nicole. Byron- with you maybe I feel no regrets. I'm going to miss you terribly, but our relationship has gone every which way possible, and we're still friends at the end of it. My fair Lillian won't ever leave me...I'll make sure of that, but I regret that this past year wasn't the greatest for us. SHeldon is a large regret because it's only now that i realize his crazy potential to be like Chuck and just blow my mind away. Yep. THat's Chuck for you. Kaboom goes my mind. I wish we hadn't lost touch in the middle, you better not go away. Stu, STeph, Kronick, etc. THere are many people that I wish just knew ME better- just to understand. A little wisdom goes a long way. Jjess, just thanks, you are wonderful. Megan- another Michelle/rebecca kind of regret for not knowing you half as well as I'd like. Same with Kath. Jonny, maybe I have no regrets because what was there just WAS. And I'm terribly grateful to have felt it, though it hurts.
So we come to the end, and of all the people I've known, Geoff has likely caused me the most regrets and a lot of grief. I should just give up. but with him i can't help wondering what if....
So that was my mind. and now i;m done. I'm coming to stalk all of you leaving in the next couple days, Watch out!
And now I'm going for a walk.