(no subject)
Okay, so I'm too upset to sleep now, so I figure LJ is the best place to post my depressed ramblings, because who the fuck reads this anymore? Not that that's anyone's fault but my own.
So basically I'm slowly finding out that I'm a burden to everyone until a) I'm older, b) I'm less socially tragic or c) I can financially stand on my own. None of which are in sight any time soon.
My biggest problem is the money thing. I'm going to college on the 22nd (something I've been putting off for way too long), I have a car that's all insured and has plates, but it ate up all but $200 of my savings to get there, and I have no job and no one that wants me because I have no social skills to be and aggressive job hunter. Actually, I have no real skills at all. Everything I'm good at or passionate about is just that: Only good and never great, only passion and not much knowledge. Good, but not good enough to make anything of it.
I have these mental barriers that stop me from getting better at things. Maybe it's a fear of success, or maybe it's me getting bored and moving to the next. Maybe I just hit the point that I just can't get much better, like a computer that's maxed out its hard drive space. No more room in this subject. This brain cell is full.
I have no money to do the things I want, that I love, and I have no way of getting it besides doing things that I hate. Babysitting? I'm not good with kids. I'm good at letting people run around doing their own thing. I'm not an authoritative figure. Any other job? No one is hiring, and if they are, it's not me they're looking for. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't need money and FAST. I have a car now. Actual expenses. I have to pay for books, gas, insurance, repairs on my crapmobile and no income.
I want to be useful, but what can I do? I can write, but I haven't had decent inspiration for anything other than fic in years. I can do my commentaries on youtube, but that's a dead horse that people are still trying to beat. Either you're established or you're not. Either you know people or you don't. You can't be just good, you have to be great. I've never been great.
I'm terrible at working with my hands. I'm so clumsy and so bumbley that nothing turns out good. I love to game, but I'm not good enough to be in the business. I love writing, but who would I turn to to get started there, and am I even good enough? I love music, but I don't know anything about it. I love history, but where the fuck are the jobs in that? I love storms and earth science, but science always gets to the point where it fries my brain. It's too much at once. What else do I have? I don't cook, I'm so unmotivated. I want to play D&D and go to concerts and meet people and be social, but how the hell am I ever going to do that when I can't even afford to visit my own friends?
I'm so stuck and I don't know where to go. It's like driving toward a wall, knowing there's a wall there and knowing your destination is beyond it, but there's no way to get around it and there's no way in fuck you're getting through it without someone (likely yourself) getting hurt, so you just keep barreling on.
TL;DR version: FML. I need sleep. And money. Mostly money. You can actually survive in the first world without sleep.
So basically I'm slowly finding out that I'm a burden to everyone until a) I'm older, b) I'm less socially tragic or c) I can financially stand on my own. None of which are in sight any time soon.
My biggest problem is the money thing. I'm going to college on the 22nd (something I've been putting off for way too long), I have a car that's all insured and has plates, but it ate up all but $200 of my savings to get there, and I have no job and no one that wants me because I have no social skills to be and aggressive job hunter. Actually, I have no real skills at all. Everything I'm good at or passionate about is just that: Only good and never great, only passion and not much knowledge. Good, but not good enough to make anything of it.
I have these mental barriers that stop me from getting better at things. Maybe it's a fear of success, or maybe it's me getting bored and moving to the next. Maybe I just hit the point that I just can't get much better, like a computer that's maxed out its hard drive space. No more room in this subject. This brain cell is full.
I have no money to do the things I want, that I love, and I have no way of getting it besides doing things that I hate. Babysitting? I'm not good with kids. I'm good at letting people run around doing their own thing. I'm not an authoritative figure. Any other job? No one is hiring, and if they are, it's not me they're looking for. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't need money and FAST. I have a car now. Actual expenses. I have to pay for books, gas, insurance, repairs on my crapmobile and no income.
I want to be useful, but what can I do? I can write, but I haven't had decent inspiration for anything other than fic in years. I can do my commentaries on youtube, but that's a dead horse that people are still trying to beat. Either you're established or you're not. Either you know people or you don't. You can't be just good, you have to be great. I've never been great.
I'm terrible at working with my hands. I'm so clumsy and so bumbley that nothing turns out good. I love to game, but I'm not good enough to be in the business. I love writing, but who would I turn to to get started there, and am I even good enough? I love music, but I don't know anything about it. I love history, but where the fuck are the jobs in that? I love storms and earth science, but science always gets to the point where it fries my brain. It's too much at once. What else do I have? I don't cook, I'm so unmotivated. I want to play D&D and go to concerts and meet people and be social, but how the hell am I ever going to do that when I can't even afford to visit my own friends?
I'm so stuck and I don't know where to go. It's like driving toward a wall, knowing there's a wall there and knowing your destination is beyond it, but there's no way to get around it and there's no way in fuck you're getting through it without someone (likely yourself) getting hurt, so you just keep barreling on.
TL;DR version: FML. I need sleep. And money. Mostly money. You can actually survive in the first world without sleep.