May 27, 2004 00:44
what happened? this is not something i asked for. i didn't want it to happen this way. but it did. and i accepted it. even grown to love it so much more than i thought ever possible. yet i continually am reminded of how apparently selfish and demanding i am. i have done nothing but try to make this situation easy; to show that i can be mature about this, that i want to be mature about this, and make things as smooth as possible. still not good enough. one day its this, the next its that. she's still young yet and this is already happening. what about when she's six and wants to sleep over a friends house instead of go to visit. will i be responsible for that; will i be the one who 'convinced' her that she would rather do that instead? will i be resented for her whole lifetime? will she have to be reminded everytime you feel the need to share with her how much you love me and have always wanted to be with me? will she have to listen to you tell her how i did this, how i am the one who made all of this happen, that i'm the one who made this situation the way it is? i just don't know what to think or say anymore. i'm so lost. just when i really begin to become accustomed to motherhood and how wonderful having children really is (even though i'm waiting...i mean really waiting...to have another; not too long hopefully but certainly long enough to get married and have a house), i get made to feel like i'm just a horrible human being and that i'm just not doing enough for him. that this is apparently all about me and money and using him as a babysitter. bullshit. bullshit bullshit bullshit. if i were all those things...then he would never see her. and if he did, it would be whatever the legal system says. not whenever its most convenient for EVERYONE, not just me.
i'm sorry you don't see her everyday
i'm sorry you can't get over it
i'm sorry you resent ... and me
i'm sorry you can't move on
i'm sorry you don't know how to work through things
i'm sorry you have issues
i'm sorry you can't handle this
i'm sorry you get too angry
i'm sorry you can't change
i'm sorry i can't tell you things
i'm sorry i hate certain things
i'm sorry i don't love you
i'm sorry just want you to be her father,
and not my husband
i'm sorry you don't understand
i'm sorry you make more of things than they are,
because i do too
i'm sorry its not fair,
you're not the only one who gets the short end of the stick
i'm sorry this is how it will always be
i'm sorry she'll never understand
i'm sorry you were ready for this in your life,
and i wasn't.
i wish you would try harder...i feel like i try so hard for you to understand and for you to feel comfortable with this situation so it can only get easier from here, and that its just not enough for you. i never got to be 21. i never got to just work until i died. i never got to go out to the bar with my friends after work and have a drink. you'll never realize what i've given up for this. for her. for you. its not all about me. its not just for you to feel punished. i didn't want you in my life remember...this is a formality of sorts. there are so many things i would change about this situation but i can't. i'm doing the best that i think i can and i'm tired of feeling like its worthless because its not good enough for you. its not all about you. its about her. i'm trying to make things easiest for her when she's older and sees what is going on and what the situation is. you don't understand that schedule is key...if she's not on a schedule or if she's just flying by the seat of her pants...this will never work. its just what you have to do. even if the books don't say so, i say so. its what i want to happen for her. its what i think is best for her. not you, not me, her. with that, i also have to try to make things a little lighter for myself. you will never know how hard it is to spend 24 straight hours, almost 7 days a week with a baby. you may say you would...but you never would if you ideal situation were to be in effect. this is what you can't understand. what you won't understand. someday i'll just learn to ignore it or deal with it, or a combination of both. i know there are things i just can't say to you because i would like to keep what peace we have. but don't throw things in my face like money. i am NOT that girl who would chase after you over it unless it went a long time and i was in real need FOR HER. i'm trying to help her...trying to give her a good life, a great life. i know you are too....just please try to get over that it can't be done as together as you wish. some times i just want to throw things back in your face like i've moved on...i'm in love, i'm working on things for myself as well as for her. its not all about you in my life...madison is and will always be my only connection to you.
please please please...
understand that madison will always be my ONLY connection to you...
not money...
and not love.
i know i'm not a horrible person and that i'm not trying to make this any harder than it already is. but enough of the guilt tripping and the negativity. i don't want it nor will i accept it...and i definitely will not allow it around her...throw your tantrums when we're gone.
for now i suppose that i will be standing here, waiting
watching the world spin around me, and her
anticipating her ability to see just what i see
and know all that i know.
that, you'll never take from me.